January 31, 2007

You Know You're Stressed When...

There are numerous signs that you're reaching your breaking point. Due to a workload of ridiculous and overwhelming proportions, I'm exhibiting several of them. Take it from me - you should be scared if...

...you're on day three of an obscene tension headache (this big!) that just won't seem to die.

...you've recently had a dream in which you play a previously undiscovered role in the short-lived predominately African-American 70's situation comedy, What's Happening's infamous two-part Doobie Brothers episode (titled - really - Doobie or Not Doobie). Somehow, however, you managed to get tangled up in a successful plot to steal a submarine. It was kinda like 24 only, well, not.

...you hear about the Stonehenge discovery and automatically play the corresponding scene from This Is Spinal Tap over and over again in your head with the volume cranked to 11.

...you realize that the amount of messages in your inbox flagged for follow-up is roughly double your age.

...you find yourself thinking you know, Paris Hilton actually is kinda hot.

...you're watching TV and an Army recruitment ad comes on, one in which a kid is trying to explain why going into the Army is a hot-shit idea and you notice that you're yelling at the TV, something about the U.S.' joke of a foreign policy and the mounting body count of soldiers and civilians in ludicrous oversees conflicts...

...you sit, head in hands, pondering the next witty line for your blog but you just can't manage to get it from your head to your hands through your fingers and onto the screen and, instead, you just keep typing in the hope that something brilliant will find it's way onto the page.

And there you have it. If you exhibit any of these signs, you may be in trouble. I know I am. But before I return to the shark-pit that is work, I owe you guys a verdict on the third most popular search term to bring folks to my site. I'm sad to report that no one picked picked it. There were many possibilities - Beth, sothefishsaid, Mia, Miabean, asshat, schadenfreude, haiku, midgets, fucktard, asschancelor (I just made that one up), fucktrukin' (that one too), and cactusfish, to name a few - but no one came up with The Da Vinci Code. Seriously. I shit you not. The Da Vinci Code is the third most popular search string bringing people by my humble online abode. Behold the power of Dan Brown.

Posted by Chris at January 31, 2007 7:14 AM

Oh dear. Paris Hilton? You need a vacation. And medication. And possibly and eye exam.

Hope you get through this quick and are feeling less stressed soon!

Posted by: Lisa at January 31, 2007 7:50 AM

Holy crap, you dreamed about What's Happening too???? Too weird. I just posted about that.

Posted by: Nicole at January 31, 2007 7:53 AM

Oh dear... you need a day of nothing but silliness and fun... candy for breakfast, a trip to a children's museam and pizza for dinner.

Posted by: Stephanie at January 31, 2007 7:54 AM

Thinking that Paris Hilton is hot is definitley a problem. I hope your week gets better!

Posted by: Alissa at January 31, 2007 7:55 AM

One should check into Bellvue for the Hilton one. (Bellvue is a mental hospital in NYC.)

Posted by: Maria at January 31, 2007 8:00 AM

paris hilton?!!!!
my brother in law thinks she's hot too. meh. she's totally doesn't do it for me..

da vinci code? that's hilarious!

Posted by: ali at January 31, 2007 8:21 AM

But this one goes to eleven...

Posted by: E :) at January 31, 2007 8:25 AM

So in your dream, when rerun drops the tape recorder becasue he trying to pirate the Dobbies music do you go all Jack Bauer on his ass?

Posted by: William at January 31, 2007 8:36 AM

nuprin. little. yellow. different.

Posted by: Adam at January 31, 2007 8:48 AM

nuprin. little. yellow. different.

Posted by: Adam at January 31, 2007 8:49 AM

Oh, dude. For that headache? Advil Liqui-gels work like nobody's business.

I don't know how to help you with the Paris Hilton thing, though. I think that requires professional help.

Posted by: Fraulein N at January 31, 2007 8:56 AM

"...you find yourself thinking you know, Paris Hilton actually is kinda hot."
I think I may have just lost some respect for you. And vomited in my mouth a little.

Posted by: Traci at January 31, 2007 9:01 AM

It all sounds perfectly normal to me. Sorry about the headache though. This is humpday. Try to make it through to the weekend.

Posted by: ann adams at January 31, 2007 9:10 AM

Whoa - DaVinci Code.

And I agree totally about those Army ads - come on! Who's stupid enough to believe those, well, half the nation who voted for Bush, maybe.

Posted by: Heather at January 31, 2007 9:19 AM

I hear Paris Hilton actually looks quite gorgeous in person (but then Tina Fey kinda shot that one down...)

WEIRD that The Da Vinci code is your most popular.... not "cheaty"? ;)

Posted by: Haley-O at January 31, 2007 9:25 AM

Last night I had a dream I was on the show I Love New York and my fiance joined the military. And we had to use a port-a-potty the whole time he was in training.

I don't know what this means.

Posted by: kara marie at January 31, 2007 9:25 AM

have you tried the advil liquid gels? they are manna from the gods. Only thing that will stop my migraines in their tracks.

hope it all gets better. That paris hilton thing worries me...

Posted by: suze at January 31, 2007 9:36 AM

Sounds like you need some ice cream. And a hug. :p

Posted by: Hope at January 31, 2007 10:03 AM

Dude. Lay off the crack pipe.


Posted by: fw sunshine at January 31, 2007 10:34 AM

No no no....you need a break right now. Paris Hilton is NOT hot.

Oh, and you know I was totally gonna say, The Da Vinci Code. Darn it. Oh wait. No I wasn't.

Posted by: Kate at January 31, 2007 10:38 AM

I just leave all "action required" emails open. It forces me to get to them. If I flagged them, they'd never see the light of day again.

I hate stress.

Posted by: statia at January 31, 2007 10:41 AM

Dude, I disagree. Paris Hilton IS hot and don't let anyone change your mind! Now that skank Lindsay Lohan has got another thing coming...

Posted by: andy at January 31, 2007 10:53 AM

Uh-oh. I got the headache.
Thank God, I do not have he Paris Hilton thing.

Posted by: Maribeth at January 31, 2007 11:00 AM

I will have a headache as soon as I'm done being drunk from last night. Probably around lunch time I'll have the hangover.

(BTW - My RSS is one day behind. I don't know why. So please pardon my answer to yesterday's quiz I posted a few minutes ago. Duh!)

Posted by: oakley at January 31, 2007 11:33 AM

Darn, that was my gut instinct.. but yet, I went with asshat..

Posted by: Molly at January 31, 2007 11:58 AM

Paris Hilton? I think we need to have an intervention. However, as someone who recently had conversations about the mini-Stonehenge and "but this one goes to 11" with various people, I find nothing unusual about your third item. Also, I always insult the recruiting ads. It's not that I don't respect people in the military, it's that I feel like they are trying to sucker people in to a bad situation right now.

I hope your headache goes away and the level of work goes down.

Posted by: bad penguin at January 31, 2007 12:02 PM

You are very disturbed if you think Paris Hilton is hot.

Oh so disappointed...


Posted by: Jen, South Florida at January 31, 2007 12:32 PM

Sex (often) works for that.
Hey, I had that dream! Wait, that wasn't me.
11! That's ONE more!
So you have about 40? HA HA HA! See how I tried to make you feel better by making like you were 20? See how that's actually insulting, because it implies you're an old fart if you're over 20? DAMN, I'm not helpful.
No. She's not.
Been there, totally done that.
Example: the days of nothing you often find at my site.

Hang in there, fella. Hookers and booze are just right around the corner.

Posted by: Elaine at January 31, 2007 12:48 PM

Paris Hilton is not Hot. Get thee some relaxation stat!

Posted by: Amy at January 31, 2007 1:36 PM

lol The Da Vinci Code. I think you're just making that up because you're too embarrassed to admit that you're really not a computer programmer, you're running a midget brothel in your down time. ;)

Posted by: Teenuh at January 31, 2007 1:38 PM

When I'm off, I'm apparently Waaayyy off! Oh, well. And hey, Excedrin Migraine does wonders for Rhonda when she has tension headaches (it actually works better for her than the Excedrin Tension Headache - go figure).

Posted by: smoness at January 31, 2007 2:13 PM

Paris Hilton?? Hot?? Dude, you need a week off immediately. you're beginning to scare me.

Posted by: mad mom at January 31, 2007 2:17 PM

You're starting to think Paris Hilton is HOT?

Oy. You need help... In the form of a vacation or a lobotomy.

Posted by: Tink at January 31, 2007 2:26 PM

The only thing that dents my tension headaches are the homeopathic headache pills. Which I totally don't believe in, but work anyway. Advil for everything else, though.

I'm not sure what dreaming about What's Happening says, but being so stressed that you start to think Paris is kind of hot? Nott hott.

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at January 31, 2007 2:49 PM

I have a headache knowing that someone out there thinks Paris Hilton is hot. *sigh*

Hands down, my #1 search term for JN is "cameltoe." Did you know there are fetish groups out there dedicated to this subject? Sadly, I was completely unprepared for that horrifying reality.

Posted by: Jurgen Nation at January 31, 2007 4:11 PM

It would seem that you really need a day off. I'm in the same kind of boat at work too (too many emails/other issues to address), and am so out of touch I hadn't heard about the Stonehenge thing, even though I usually keep my eye out for things like that.

Posted by: Jessie at January 31, 2007 5:09 PM

Three day headache? My friend, go pronto to get Excedrin Migraine. It will also give you enough caffeine to last the rest of the week.

Feel better!

Posted by: Sphincter at January 31, 2007 5:49 PM

Hmm, Da Vinci Code? That's freaking hilarious. I thought I was doing so good to be the first post yesterday, but dammit, I'm never going to win a CD!

Posted by: Beth in StL at January 31, 2007 9:01 PM

I wrote a long and powerful comment just a short while ago. It was moving and funny and I really dug it. The internet just chewed it up and spat it out.

Lesson learned - copy before submit.

AND IT WORKED - IT WAS YOUR EVIL SPAMBOT FILTER - see, if you preview and make all those little changes of grammatical purity you no longer have this box available - and even if you have put in the password on the page before for some reason you enter the dark side if you edit from preview... Just so you know...

Anyhow, as I was saying, I came this close to putting the phrase "The Da Vinci Code" into my blog yesterday - but was held back by the fear that many TDVC groupies would google me and I would be discovered.

Yes, it worked for you - but at what level?

And what is it that Paris has got that has got all your commenters so bothered?

And do headache companies give commenters endorsement fees? The only solution I can offer is a glass of water, a darkened room and a good lie down but there is no corporate arm...

Right - copy THEN post.

(It wasn't what I said before but I have learned ctrl-c does not work in real life)

Posted by: jeanie at January 31, 2007 9:29 PM

hope you get some relief soon. I'm feeling the same way, but after Sunday (after our commercial airs at the game) it will all be over.

And then we'll be off to the next firedrill.

Posted by: catraggedy at January 31, 2007 9:40 PM

The Paris thing worries me.

Posted by: Stephanie at January 31, 2007 10:27 PM

Sounds like someone needs to cash in his free vacation.

Posted by: angela at January 31, 2007 10:28 PM

Sounds like you need more Spinal Tap in your life.

Posted by: Annie at January 31, 2007 11:08 PM

I had a dream last night that me and my husband went to score some weed (we don't partake)at a place that disguised itself as a dry cleaners. Just as the police came in we went out the back door and then I found myself in my dorm room.

Dr. Freud....what does it all mean?

Posted by: wordgirl at February 1, 2007 12:57 AM

I heard the dude from Girls Gone Wild, cant think of his name, but he said that Paris was a good lay (I'm paraphrasing here, I heard it on Howard Stern). So, you might be on to something. If you can get past the herpes that is.

Actually, this comment is an indication that perhaps I'm a little stressed. Hey, atleast I don't talk to my TV.

Posted by: nila at February 1, 2007 4:08 AM

Asschancellor?--you kill me!

Right now I have an incredible hang over, but I can honestly say that while my dreams were odd last night, I NEVER thought of the tv show "What's Happening"!

Posted by: kristen at February 1, 2007 7:15 AM

Sounds like there's some craziness and stress going on in your life right now. Sorry to hear that! All of this love and attention and glory at work must be making you more in-demand than ever. :)

Posted by: Zandria at February 1, 2007 11:21 AM

Can relate, sad to say...my friends did an intervention and forced me into a weeks vacation last summer when they heard me spotting off about the hotness that is Bam Margera...

Posted by: fauve at February 1, 2007 9:03 PM