February 27, 2007

Bird...Plane...Crazy Slingshot Guy

I had a shitty day yesterday. It started off fine but quickly degenerated into a fine, steaming pile of crap. It's not that anything bad happened. It was just painful, the way work days sometimes are. And I was inarticulate as fuck. This would have been fine had I not had to spend the afternoon in client meetings. Three things altered my outlook yesterday evening, repaired some of the damage:

  1. I ate half a box of Girl Scout cookies.
  2. On my way home, I temporarily ditched the traffic, pulled over, got out of my car and looked at the Potomac River in front of me. I looked to the right, and there, rising above the trees, was the tip of the Washington Monument in the distance. To my left, across the river, was the castle-like structure of Georgetown University looming over the snowy river below. For just a second, the traffic disappeared as did the work day I'd just put behind me. Of course, then my cell phone rang and I was ushered into an unplanned conference call.
  3. As we were putting Mia to bed, she did what she often does when bed is involved - shun my kisses. Instead, I taught her about eskimo kisses, rubbing noses together. She loved it, turning her head - and, of course, her nose - back and forth as I left the room. Kids can be draining but they can also magically replace all the spirit you've lost during the day.

I'd be shocked if I found out that any of society's great spree killers had kids. From my own experience thus far, staying centered is unavoidable. A child can so easily and quickly replace all the sarcasm and dread picked up during the average day and turn it into something good again.

Of course, there's a statute of limitations on that. I mean, I'm probably not going to be saying the same thing when Mia's 15 and some zit-faced asshat with a pierced head (or whatever the thing will be then) comes knocking on my door in a meager attempt to take my daughter out on a date. No, then, I'm going to be reaching for the shotgun. Or I would if Beth let me own one. I bet I can get away with a slingshot though. I'll be Crazy Slingshot Guy. Mr. Cactus, The Crazy Slingshot Guy. It will be my Deranged Parent Superhero Alter-Ego. Legends will be told about me.

Hypothetical Suitor One: Hey, have you heard about Mia's dad?
Hypothetical Suitor Two: No, I haven't.
Hypothetical Suitor One: He's got this slingshot that he uses on guys Mia's interested in. Dude's lethal up to 200 feet.
Hypothetical Suitor Two: You've gotta be shitting me.
Hypothetical Suitor One: No! And? This one guy I know? Had a friend who tried to take Mia out. Crazy Slingshot Guy took aim and leveled his ass before he'd even made it off the yard. And he was never heard from again. Although I've heard that, if you stand on the sidewalk around midnight you can still hear his tortured moans.
Hypothetical Suitor Two: Dude.
Hypothetical Suitor One: Dude.

Those of you who are parents - even those who will one day become parents - I encourage you to start thinking about your Deranged Parent Superhero Alter-Ego quickly. For those of you who were gunning for Crazy Slingshot Guy, I'm sorry. That one's taken.

Posted by Chris at February 27, 2007 7:40 AM
Comments

For some reason I picture Crazy slingshot guy wearing a Bathrobe and mismatched slippers.

Posted by: William at February 27, 2007 7:56 AM

That is hilarious! I'll be sure and warn my boys of craazy slingshot bearing dad's!

Posted by: Steff at February 27, 2007 8:06 AM

Whatabout a paintball gun? At least you'd be able to leave a nice mark on your victim. Or? Become really proficient at golf...like John Candy in "Uncle Buck". Keep your driver handy, say, next to the front door...along with a decorative bowl of golf balls. And after you tell the kid to scram, emphasize your intent by sending a clean shot right between his shoulder blades. That'll teach 'em.

Posted by: wordgirl at February 27, 2007 8:13 AM

I will be sure to keep my boys away from Mia!

Posted by: Alissa at February 27, 2007 8:14 AM

I heard a comic once who said, when the boys came to his house, he pulled them aside and looked them straight in the eye and said this:"You are taking out my baby, my little girl. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. So if you are thinking of hugging or kissing or doing anything else with my baby, you remember this, 'I don't mind going back to prison'"!

Posted by: Maribeth at February 27, 2007 8:29 AM

Inquiring minds want to know: what kind of girl scout cookies??? I am so jonesing for a box of thin mints or samoas.

Posted by: Nicole at February 27, 2007 8:31 AM

I want to get a shotgun... to keep the girls off my boy... Chris won't let me though. He thinks I'm crazy.

Glad the end of your day picked up, even if the rest of it sucked. Sully has only recently started giving kisses (and he's going to be 2 next month), so each time he offers one up, it's like the best thing in the whole universe.

Posted by: Phoenix at February 27, 2007 8:34 AM

I swear to God, reading you in the morning is better than coffee and donuts. (And I love donuts like a fat kid loves... well... donuts.)

Yeah, my dad had a beebee gun sitting by the back door. Very convenient that when my dates came in from the front it was the first thing they could see walking into the living room. ;)

Posted by: Sassy at February 27, 2007 8:43 AM

My Dad was Quiet Scary Guy.

I would tell him I had a date, and he, of course, would insist on meeting them when they arrived. They would come into the living room or kitchen, etc. where he was sitting and say "hi."

He would just stare at them.

Then they would nervously try to make conversation, and...he would just stare at them.

Then they would be frozen in fear until I said something in a typical teen-age sarcastic tone like, "Bye DA-aDDD," and escort them out of the room.

I asked him later why he wouldn't talk to them. He always said, "I know what they want. I was one of them."

I say, buy the sling shot now. You know what they will want. You were one of them.

Posted by: Kelly at February 27, 2007 8:44 AM

My husband purchased a hatchet at a yard sale one time with his 15 yo daughter along. He told her that she was to tell any boy that wanted to take her on a date that he keeps a hatchet in the trunk, so he should keep that in mind before trying any funny business. It's still good for some laughs, almost 3 years later.

Posted by: kmum at February 27, 2007 8:49 AM

Eyelash kisses are also great (put an eye close to a cheek and blink like crazy).

I don't even want to think about my daughters and boys. We have a slingshot, bats, and golf clubs. Maybe I will just have them hanging on the entry walls. You know, for decoration.

Posted by: anna at February 27, 2007 9:11 AM

yes...but what kind of girl scout cookies??!!

Posted by: ali at February 27, 2007 9:12 AM

I was going to tell you about butterfly kisses but Anna beat me to it.

Boys. We're almost at the beating them off with a stick stage around here.

Posted by: ann adams at February 27, 2007 9:19 AM

Crazy Grilling Possible Suitors (Both Male and Female) for Traces of Republicanism...Lady.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at February 27, 2007 9:19 AM

According to a friend of mine (who is married to my best friend from university), I don't have to create an alter-ego. He said if he ever came to the door to pick up a date and I answered, he'd pretend that he was looking for someone else and that he had the wrong address, rather than (in his words) "risk" dating my daughter.

When pressed for more details, all he would say is that, even knowing me as well as he does, he still wouldn't "risk" it.

Posted by: SciFi Dad at February 27, 2007 9:43 AM

We do the Eskimo kisses (would that no longer be a politically correct term?)
Then there are Butterfly Kisses (with eyelashes).

Fish Kisses (You each make fish lips and open and close the ends of your lips that are sticking out, and then one of you has to turn sideways while you give the kiss.)

The we also made up cheek kisses (rubbing cheeks together, ear kisses (rubbing ears together) and throwing kisses where they throw kisses at me and I have to jump high or dive low (or act crazy in some way) to catch them. Sometimes I act like they have knocked me over. They love that one.

If we get started on any of these kisses then we have to go through the whole set of them. Good times, Goooood times.

Posted by: Leilani at February 27, 2007 9:43 AM

Crazy slingshot guy! I guess you'd better start perfecting your aim right now. You want to be ready. :)

Posted by: Zandria at February 27, 2007 9:47 AM

I did what my parents did. I raised my son to have good, common sense about everything. Including possible suitors. I threw in tattoos while we were at it. I still recall my father's calm demeanor when some moron would come to take me out. The next day, I might hear a gentle "ummm.... he sure was a redneck" or something else completely minimal. But the message was always conveyed. They trusted me to make level decisions, and I didn't disappoint them. So far, my son has done as well. He's 21, and while he had the same girlfriend from the time he was a junior in high school until his 2nd semester of sophomore year in college, he was a good and loyal boyfriend. As a potential suitor, he wows the girl's parents with his charm, good looks, manners and personality. So look at it this way.... you and Beth will raise Mia up right, and to make good decisions, and you'll rarely have to even refer to the slingshot. Much less parade around in the outfit. Might not hurt to have a framed photograph of yourself in full regalia hanging in the foyer or hallway though. Just in case a pierced asshat slips through the filter.

Posted by: coolchick at February 27, 2007 9:50 AM

Crazy slingshot guy - can you please impart your wisdom?

I have a 3 month old that I want to protect from potentially icky boys.

Posted by: Jen, South Florida at February 27, 2007 10:00 AM

Chris,

Always funny and refreshing. Slingshot dad, love it.

Posted by: Diane at February 27, 2007 10:20 AM

I'm glad you didn't jump in the river. I did my first pull-over and admire the scenery because you need it this year. It felt good.

Also, another fun kiss is the butterfly kiss. Batting eyelashes so they touch.

I will be knows-too-much-about-you guy, with the powers to freak you suitors out about how I know where you live, what your parents do, who your friends are, and what you love most in this world. "So fragile is life, and your dog, 'Maxy', right?"

Posted by: Brad at February 27, 2007 10:44 AM

Is it compulsory for the fathers of daughters to own shotguns? We're only discussing hypothetical children at this point, and Mike brought up the need for a shotgun if we have a girl. He told me I'd have to rethink my 'no guns' policy if we have a daughter. He says I'd understand if ever I'd been a teenaged boy...

Posted by: suze at February 27, 2007 10:47 AM

But, what KIND of Girl Scout Cookies? Thin Mints or those coconut honkers, we're talking SWEET day. Not that shortbread garbage, though, right? I mean, let's be SERIOUS PEOPLE!

Posted by: andy at February 27, 2007 11:05 AM

I can be pretty lethal with those free AOL CDs. My bro and I used to hoard them and then have battles in the back yard. Those fuckers will leave a scar for weeks! It was like a modern spin on playing paint ball. Now that I think back on it, it's amazing we didn't end up with CD shrapnel in our eyes. -- Kids.

Posted by: smoness at February 27, 2007 11:08 AM

Well, Husband has the shotgun already, so that totally steals my thunder.

But, I'm either gonna be "Did-an-Internet-search-on-ya-Mom" or "Be-good-or-she'll-lift-your-nuts-over-your-head-lady".

Yeah. That'll work.

Posted by: Pammer at February 27, 2007 11:57 AM

My husband? Crazy camo-wearing-deer-rifle-toting-Rambo-in-winter guy. Me? I'm just bring-my-daughter-back-in-the-EXACT-SAME-condition-you-found-her or you better hope her dad (see above with the camo wearing stuff) finds you first.

Posted by: northern girl at February 27, 2007 12:03 PM

Bwahahahaha!

Before we found out the sex of our baby, Mike was already shopping for baseball bats. "Just in case". Luckily (for me and future suitors) we had a boy. Now his concern is that Carter will knock up some girl and we can't get rid of either of them.

Posted by: at February 27, 2007 12:31 PM

the thin mints...frozen. um, what?!?!? proof there is a god.

Posted by: youdamom! at February 27, 2007 12:32 PM

Well, I suppose I got "lucky" this year. The girl scouts in the neighborhood must have moved because no one came knocking on my door to sell me cookies.

Posted by: alfredsmom at February 27, 2007 12:45 PM

Maybe Beth could give you your balls back.....
"she won't let me have a gun".......Maybe if a burglar or rapist breaks in your house....you could use a spatula or maybe a fork...good luck, fruitty.

Posted by: JoJo at February 27, 2007 1:09 PM

Wow, Sounds like "JoJo" is a card carrying member of the NRA?

Maddie just learned Eskimo Kisses too...talk about melty hearts.

Posted by: jujubee at February 27, 2007 1:27 PM

Eating girl scout cookies can make almost any day better.

Good luck driving off the suitors, Crazy Slingshot Guy!

Posted by: bad penguin at February 27, 2007 1:33 PM

Promise you won't stand on the front porch in your p.j's with your hands crossed glaring at your daughter as she walks to the house. "As long as you are living under my roof, you will be in by midnight...no exceptions. We'll talk about this in the morning!" Hey, I didn't want my parents to build a house on property near my college and then insist I move back home to save money.

Here is where I tell you that my friend took me out for my first alcoholic drink on my 21st birthday. My Dad was county sheriff. In my day, we called that sheltered. Thank God I married a psychology major, eh?

Posted by: Kay at February 27, 2007 1:39 PM

Hi, Chris. I just wanted to let you know that you've been nominated for my funniest blog contest. More info can be found here:

http://welcometotheconfessional.blogspot.com/2007/02/funniest-blog-contest.html

Posted by: Stacy Brazalovich at February 27, 2007 2:11 PM

Awesome post. Tortured, bittersweet and funny.

I love that you're being heckled for leaving out the most curcial piece of info: the kind of girls scout cookies you devoured.

Posted by: Michael at February 27, 2007 2:44 PM

Get this: I didn't even have to do anything, and apparently, I'm "the second scariest person" D's girlfriend knows! I have been nothing but sweet and friendly and charming! I don't get it.

...But plan on perfecting it before Mac turns 16.

Posted by: Cartwheels At Midnight at February 27, 2007 3:13 PM

Well, we've got a boy, but my husband does have a Samurai Sword at the ready. Crazy Samurai Man.

Posted by: Annie at February 27, 2007 4:51 PM

That's easy...I'm Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith. It doesn't get any better than that unless you are maybe Dirty Harry or Tony freekin' Soprano.

cheers,
JJ

Posted by: JJ at February 27, 2007 5:11 PM

I've already grounded my son until he's 35. I think Mia's safe from him, at least.

Of course, if he came to your door looking like that, I wouldn't blame you for taking him out...

Posted by: Queen of Ass at February 27, 2007 5:30 PM

How odd, this was a discussion at work today.. maybe someone else in the office reads your blog too.. hmmmm..

With three girls, this is just one more thing i need to worry about when they become teenagers.

Posted by: molly at February 27, 2007 10:02 PM

Just remember you can hire my alter-ego of Throckmorton Jones, Private Investigator if you need help checking any of those boys out in a few years.

Posted by: Debra at February 27, 2007 10:16 PM

Back up the boat. The Girl Scout Cookies are in? Because I know I ordered a few boxes and I have yet to see them.

Posted by: Janet at February 27, 2007 11:01 PM

christian's 6'1 and weighs 280lbs (although that's getting lower every day). also? he works for the police.

'nuff said.

Posted by: s@bd at February 27, 2007 11:42 PM

I plan to channel Al Bundy and just slam potential suitors into the wall or door! My girls have already been warned that dating before I pass away will probably be a very painful event for all involved!

Posted by: Jeff A at February 28, 2007 12:50 AM

Being that I have boys, I don't think I'll have to be too crazed, but I'll definetly warn them about dads like you.

Posted by: nila at February 28, 2007 7:38 AM

My dad used to sharpen butcher knives around my guy friends. It's no wonder I'm slightly askew.

As for me, I just plan to channel Parker Posey in psycho mode. "If you cross me I will go circus freak crazy on your ass. I'm serious, I WILL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT!" You gotta love that woman.

Posted by: the weirdgirl at February 28, 2007 5:44 PM

Hmmm, I'm suddenly hoping for boy(s) now...

Posted by: Colleen at February 28, 2007 8:44 PM

OMG! I laughed so hard at this I nearly snorted coffee (yes I say NEARLY... that's my story...)

I actually have an antique scythe hung on my wall... My daughter says I use it to scare boys... she actually brings the boys into the living room to show it to them and explains what it's for...

Our boys tell their friends I am the 'spector of death' and they all try to talk me into letting them try it out... course I always tell them they have to EARN that level of cool ;D

Posted by: KT at March 1, 2007 8:29 AM

I can see the headlines now.
Crazy Cactus Dad Blinds Teen Boy With Slingshot!

Posted by: Toni-Marie at March 1, 2007 6:36 PM

What about Wacko Cult Leader Dad? Potential suitor shows up and Wacko Cult Leader Dad welcomes him in and says something to the effect of "once you and my daughter are joined in earthly matrimony, you'll join us at the compound where we shall await passage to our home planet." Or something like that. It could backfire I guess, some potential suitors might be up for it.

Posted by: Holmes at March 2, 2007 12:47 AM

I propose not to wait until you earn enough amount of cash to order goods! You can take the mortgage loans or credit loan and feel fine

Posted by: WORKMANEBONY21 at August 8, 2010 4:01 PM


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