February 8, 2007

The Score, According to The Universe

Some days, I feel as though the Universe is conspiring against me. And these perils are presented in the guise of fatherly challenges. Take yesterday, as an example.

The Bed: The past couple of nights have been rough. Mia's canine teeth are coming in and we're all paying for it. She's pretty uncomfortable so she's been ending up in bed with us most evenings. And for such a little person, she's got a bizarre ability to take up the bed.

Universe 1, Dad 0.

The Toilet: I nearly lost a finger and felt pretty stupid to boot. See, I had to go to the bathroom and I found a strange contraption keeping me from opening the toilet. Five minutes later (I shit you not, neither figuratively nor literally) I noodled it through not after obtaining a slight flesh wound in the process. Childproof. Cactusproof. Universe 2, Dad 0.

The QTip: We had some fun with QTips last night. Mia cleaned her ears, shoved one up her nose then came after me. My left ear, as a matter of fact. She was very enthusiastic. So enthusiastic that I ended up with one inserted several inches into my head. Now, I'm having trouble with words that begin with A I can't remember 1983. Universe 3, Dad 0.

(By the way, if you participated in the Stick Stuff on Your Head Day 2007, make sure you send me your pictures!)

Posted by Chris at February 8, 2007 7:35 AM

1983 wasn't all that great anyway. No big deal.

Posted by: ktjrdn at February 8, 2007 8:24 AM

Awwww. You poor thing. I'm thinking that the things you have related makes me think that the "Universe" is female.

Posted by: Maribeth at February 8, 2007 8:48 AM

Silly Cactus! Don't you know childproof usually = adultproof?

Posted by: Fraulein N at February 8, 2007 9:04 AM

Yep. If you ever have trouble opening a childproof bottle, just give it to a kid.

Posted by: ann adams at February 8, 2007 9:19 AM

Eh, the universe can't win them all. Hang in there!

Posted by: Traci at February 8, 2007 9:20 AM

I know. I really know.
*shakes fist at universe*

Posted by: trix at February 8, 2007 10:17 AM

Yep... the universe sucks. I think it cheats so that it can win.

nice drawing of the sleeping arrangements. And don't worry, I don't remember much of 1983 either... but not because I had a Qtip shoved into my ear...

Posted by: Karen at February 8, 2007 10:51 AM

Well, they say things come in threes, so maybe it's your turn to one-up the universe for a little while.

As for the stuff on the head picture, well, I was gross and sweaty last night after a rather grueling aerobics class, so I decided to wait for today. Hope you don't mind. I'll try to think of something truly funny to make up for the delay.

Posted by: Jessie at February 8, 2007 10:57 AM

And people used to make fun of me at work when I would use Visio to plot out re-arranging my office. And I didn't even give me printer a funky title!

Posted by: airwick at February 8, 2007 11:08 AM

I like your lamps.

Posted by: Adam at February 8, 2007 11:12 AM

Oh, my God! You crack me up. "The Cactus sphere of sleep deprivation"? "Son of totally worthless pillow"? Hilarious. :)

But the Q-tip thing? Ow!

Posted by: Zandria at February 8, 2007 11:16 AM

I love it! (The drawing, not your sleep deprivation and Q-Tip induced brain damage. Those suck.)

Posted by: Kate the Shrew at February 8, 2007 11:21 AM

love the drawing!!

bringing our children in to bed with us is the kiss of death. none of them get cuddly and sleep. they either are UP, crying "i wah dora!" or they are constantly kicking and taking up the entire bed, ala mayor mia bean.

Posted by: ali at February 8, 2007 11:23 AM

1983...here's what you're missing:


The highlights:
Leg warmers
Apatosaurus named official dinosaur of Guam
Return of the Jedi
George Brett--pine tar
Metallica debut album released
The Who breaks up
First Hooters opens
MS Word is first released
The McNugget is unleashed on the world

Nothing much really. She picked a good year to erase!

Posted by: MammaLoves at February 8, 2007 11:26 AM

That diagram rocks. I've lived it, but not with such wonderful descriptions.

Posted by: Brad at February 8, 2007 11:33 AM

Chris, this could not be less related, but last nite on Deal or No Deal, yes, shut up, the people said "It Is What It Is" like, 48 ba-jillion times. It was awful and I could not wait to tell you about it. I was crying of both anguish AND hysterical laughter at the same time.

Posted by: andy at February 8, 2007 11:40 AM

Duran Duran began 1983 by playing the MTV New Year's Eve Rock'n'Roll Ball and John Taylor winked at me* through the entire performance. What more is there to remember?

*To all girls reading this comment, yes, I know, in all those Duran Duran videos you watched back in the day, you thought he was winking at you, but it was me. ME. Go ahead, google up a Duran Duran picture and see for yourself. In every one, John Taylor has an arched eyebrow under those bleached bangs, and a grin that says "Yeah baby, if I was 13, I would SO be the first guy to french kiss Krystyn."

Posted by: krystyn at February 8, 2007 12:04 PM

I ended up having a bad yesterday, which has turned into a worse day today. The only thing I've wanted to stick on my head is spite.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at February 8, 2007 12:08 PM

I understand the universe conspiring against you feeling. After being in a car wreck last week Tuesday, my car not starting Monday, having a flat that evening on my roommates car. Then this morning? This very morning? Another fender bender. She backed into me. And jokes about my bad car-ma abound - salt in the wound people, salt in the wound.

Posted by: Hannah at February 8, 2007 12:14 PM

The good news is you don't have three under four. The bad news is that it gets worse. Good luck with it! I have five and still don't know how to breeze through the teeth epidemic.

Posted by: BID at February 8, 2007 12:53 PM

I adore your schematics. They are like little visual stories.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at February 8, 2007 1:24 PM

1983... The year I was born.

I'm glad I'm not a figment of your imagination.

Posted by: Tink at February 8, 2007 2:05 PM

Man...to lose Asshat. That's just wrong.

Love the diagram.

Posted by: Kelly at February 8, 2007 2:18 PM

Love the diagram. That Beth is one Brilliant Smokin' Ass.

Posted by: Cartwheels At Midnight at February 8, 2007 2:43 PM

Do you hate me for laughing at this?

Posted by: Isabel at February 8, 2007 3:03 PM

Ana nicole Smith is dead and I am sad about it. People get kicked the worst when they are already down. I cannot even imagine all the pain who was going through.

Posted by: Katherine at February 8, 2007 4:08 PM

Looks like the universe is kicking your ass!!! Just thought I'd pop over and see what youve been up to. Ain't it a bitch what those babies have to go through to get their teeth? My younges, 8 months just got his 2 bottom teeth THIS weekend, after chemo last monday, I've been having a good ole time! Bring on the big guns! lol

Posted by: CJ at February 8, 2007 4:33 PM

yeah, but what about anna!?!?

Posted by: youdamom! at February 8, 2007 4:45 PM

You know I guy at my work just recently went to the doctor because he couldnt hear out of his left ear. The doctor pulled out the tip of a QTip and he actaully said "Huh? How did that get in there?"

Posted by: Dennis at February 8, 2007 8:05 PM

My favorite is "The Alarm That Went Off WAY Too F****ing Early."
I have one of those too.

Posted by: Janna at February 8, 2007 9:07 PM

Wow, that kid is just plain dangerous. I suggest you get a restraining order against her.

Posted by: Karla at February 8, 2007 9:41 PM

I've had those weeks. You'll gain some ground this weekend.

I've totally been sticking things on my head, but my almost two year old isn't really good with my camera yet. Maybe I could drawn a picture?

Posted by: Annie at February 9, 2007 1:21 AM

Hahaha! Hilarious. I love the drawing.

I'm sorry to hear she's teething. I hope the teeth come soon.

Also, I love the new picture on the top right of your page. Too funny!

Posted by: Nadine at February 9, 2007 10:14 AM

I received 1 st loan when I was 20 and it supported me very much. However, I require the collateral loan once more time.

Posted by: FLOYDLeona at March 22, 2010 5:44 AM