March 14, 2007

Me Dress Pretty One Day

OR, DRESS YOUR CONSULTANT IN BROOKS BROTHERS AND SHARPIE

I had several important client meetings yesterday. As befitted the meetings, I outfitted myself in a nice, black suit, a blue shirt, burgundy tie and square-toed black shoes. Dress to impress. That's how I roll.

Everything was going fine, not a style violation in sight, until, before leaving for the first of my many meetings, I pulled a self-checkout in the bathroom mirror. As I was turning to leave, something caught my eye. A spot of white on black. A threadbare belt loop. It wasn't huge but it was noticeable...not because my ass is so great but because of the whole contrast thing. I noodled the problem through on my way back to my office. Once there, my gaze fell upon my suit jacket hung over the back of my chair...and the small hole on the right shoulder. A question came into my mind, and that question was threefold:

  1. Did I pull my outfit from my own closet or did I steal it from a homeless dude?
  2. How did I get mauled by a bear on the way to work without knowing it?
  3. What the fuck do I do now?

The answer came swiftly, as if borne on the backs of little couture angels cast in the images of Stacy and Clinton - a Sharpie! Oh yes. I immediately shut my office door and set about turning white holes to black. The suit jacket was flawless (if you, you know, looked past the hole which was much easier now that it was somewhat less noticeable). The belt loop was trickier, being located on the least accessible part of my body. I found the most reflective surface readily available to me - my office window, coated with some reflective shit - and went to work. Contorted and in full view of anyone in the building next to mine - a thought that only occurred to me after I'd finished - I fixed my emergency fashion faux pas. No one would know, unless they'd developed a strange obsession with my ass. But, no worry, I'd be sitting upon it most of the day.

I sat down, smug with satisfaction at the disaster I had, McGuyver-like, avoided. And that's when the collar button on my shirt popped off and, rather poetically, landed in my coffee.

Posted by Chris at March 14, 2007 8:07 PM
Comments

Quick thinking. I onced used a stapler to close a tear in the crotch area of my suit pants. I walked funny trying to avoid needing a tetanus shot in the groin are but it worked.

Posted by: William at March 14, 2007 7:52 AM

I know it's a typo, but you were so dressed up that even your shit had collars?!?

Dude, now that's impressive. (However, one must wonder, if you were dressing up your shit, did you expect someone to see it? And if so, why?)

Posted by: SciFi Dad at March 14, 2007 7:58 AM

If it were me I wouldn't have even noticed that I had clothing issues. I certainly wouldn't have noticed that YOU did. I am oblivious, and I bet you were the only one that noticed your faux pas.

But that was an ingenious way to correct the situation! I am impressed.

Posted by: Alissa at March 14, 2007 8:02 AM

i've sharpie'd so many pieces of clothing it's actually kind of disgusting. and i've also duct-taped dresses, pants, and shoes rather than fixing them properly, in my own MacGyver-like ingenuity.

imagine if stacy, clinton, and mac teamed up to build a wardrobe?

Posted by: meg at March 14, 2007 8:45 AM

My week has been going downhill fast.

I always keep a sharpie, post-it glue, and mini safety pins in my desk for such emergencies. Hope you found a sewing kit.

Posted by: Maria at March 14, 2007 9:06 AM

Clever you. From the comments, it sounds like you're not alone. I've certainly stapled hems back in the days when I wore dresses.

Great typo.

Posted by: ann adams at March 14, 2007 9:11 AM

And that's why I have one of the multi-color multi-packs of sharpies.


Now if I could only get Elizabeth to stop ripping out the knees in all of her pants, since sharpies don't cover that up.

Posted by: amber at March 14, 2007 9:14 AM

This is why emergency pants are so useful. ;)

I guess that your post makes me glad that I'm so unimportant at work that nobody would notice if I had a wardrobe malfunction that didn't result in any nip slips. But, you know, there's that whole being utterly unimportant at work thing...

Posted by: Hope at March 14, 2007 9:19 AM

Ingenious! Now time for a trip to the mall to get a new suit. I know, I know, you hate to spend the money, but it's time.

Posted by: Maribeth at March 14, 2007 9:22 AM

I can just see your button making a graceful arc into your coffee. Yikes, how fun is that.

Here's to today not needing any McGuyverisms. :)

Posted by: Teenuh at March 14, 2007 9:32 AM

I think MacGuyver would be very proud of you. I once stapled a boot together. It was really great, until the staples started working their way into my foot. That part was not so fun.

Posted by: Fraulein N at March 14, 2007 9:32 AM

Hahaha! great post! Well played with the Sharpie. I wonder if anyone saw you thru the window! too funny!! Once I wore a shirt to work that the buttons kept coming undone. It was a bit annoying, but I dealt. Anyway, after work I was running to catch my bus home and when I got on the bus I realized that almost all the buttons had come undone. So there I was flashing a crowded bus. I never wore that shirt again.

Posted by: MadMom at March 14, 2007 9:39 AM

Impressive emergency clothes-altering skills! I like it. Guess there wasn't too much you could do about the button, though (Krazy-Glue?). :)

Posted by: Zandria at March 14, 2007 9:55 AM

Sharpie's rock! Remember Liquid Paper? I dropped a bottle of that on my black slacks at work years ago (back when people actually used Liquid Paper) and ended up having to Sharpie that stain even after washing the slacks a couple of times. The Sharpie did the trick though.

I read an article a couple of years ago about emergency after workday makeup that included Sharpies and highlighters. Evidently you can use pink highlighters for lip stain and blush. No way I'd ever try that (nor do I think you will Chris!), but the Sharpie eyeliner -- maybe. If I'm in a bind and need emergency makeup. (Like that'll ever happen)

Posted by: coolchick at March 14, 2007 9:55 AM

I'm sure stacy and clinton would be SOOO very proud!

Posted by: Beth at March 14, 2007 10:08 AM

I've done the Sharpie trick on button threads that looked black in the dull light of my apartment, but were really blue for some strange reason. And now I know why I always drink my coffee with the sippy-cup lid on - protection from projectiles. Who knew?

Posted by: SpaceCase at March 14, 2007 10:22 AM

tell beth to change this month's small world project-- instead of eating cereal one night a week and donating the money to a charity, we'll all donate it to the "get cactus some new threads" charity... because spending money on suits SUCKS

Posted by: b. at March 14, 2007 10:25 AM

tell beth to change this month's small world project-- instead of eating cereal one night a week and donating the money to a charity, we'll all donate it to the "get cactus some new threads" charity... because spending money on suits SUCKS

Posted by: b. at March 14, 2007 10:25 AM

Dude! Get thee to a men's store...and pronto!

Posted by: wordgirl at March 14, 2007 10:31 AM

Too funny. Sharpie the new duct tape. I've used the Sharpie trick on white thread when I could find the black. oh yeah.

Posted by: Samantha at March 14, 2007 10:48 AM

never underestimate the power of a Sharpie (or duct tape for that matter) - not that I've coloured in scuff marks on my shoes or taped a falling hem or anything, ever

well played

Posted by: Kathryn at March 14, 2007 11:11 AM

Best
Story
Ever

Posted by: Elaine at March 14, 2007 11:29 AM

Now THAT is a doozy. Thanks for the laugh. Your misery (told well) is my fortune. I think that's the premise of good blogging anyway.

My question to the ChrisBeth family is this:

Do giant moths come out at night and eat your clothes? Mothera, perhaps?

Posted by: Brad at March 14, 2007 11:37 AM

Dude - my husband had a suit he'd worn like 3 times - pulled it out for a wedding - and there were tiny holes in both knees. He hadn't fallen down - so we were at a loss on how it happened. Gotta love mystery wardrobe malfunctions!

I've done the Sharpie thing as well - good call!

Posted by: sue at March 14, 2007 11:39 AM

Just for future reference, black coffee also works to cover imperfection on black clothing. I worked at a catering hall where we wore black bants and vests. Coffee hides a multitude of sins. You may want to consider a small sewing kit for your drawer as well.

But I bet everyone noticed your belt loop. People are ALWAYS checking otu your ass.

Posted by: Annie at March 14, 2007 11:46 AM

wow. i'm impressed!

Posted by: ali at March 14, 2007 12:04 PM

Now, see, I think people are missing the biggest point. You. Are. A. MAN.... and you notice these flaws. I mean, REALLY. :)

Posted by: sue at March 14, 2007 12:52 PM

Nice work! Sounds like a funny scene in a movie, though what music to accompany it? Perhaps "Sharp Dressed Man?" Maybe too obvious.

Posted by: Holmes at March 14, 2007 1:05 PM

Great headline. I'm going to see David Sedaris next week. (Or hear him. Or see and hear him? Whatever. I'll be in the same location with him and I suppose he'll be reading or speaking or something. Perhaps I should have checked before I purchased the ticket.)

Oh and this entry cracked me up and I needed it today (I work with a bunch of asshats), so thanks!

Posted by: erin at March 14, 2007 1:57 PM

I always count myself as lucky as long as the zipper on my pants holds out!

Posted by: Jeff A at March 14, 2007 2:03 PM

wow. Am I the only one here who hasn't duck taped, stapled, or sharpied my clothes. I feel like I'm missing out.
The closest I've come is safety pins.

Posted by: Toni-Marie at March 14, 2007 2:38 PM

I totally noticed the beltloop thing when I was checking out your ass, but I didn't know how to mention it.

Oh, and I've Sharpied the stretched white seams of my stretch black jeans. Totally did the trick, but I never realized other people did that.

Posted by: shelley at March 14, 2007 2:57 PM

Ah yes, the Sharpie fix! Used that a few times on shoes. But I notice that if you use it to much, the odor from the marker will follow you.

Posted by: Dave Evanns at March 14, 2007 3:24 PM

My wardrobe consists partially of Sharpied, stapled clothes and shoes. It looks like I am not alone.

And nice shout out to Clinton and Stacy!! I heart them and our Friday nights together!!

BTW, is Clinton straight or gay? I've never been able to decide? Does anyone know? I love me some Clinton!

Posted by: trix at March 14, 2007 3:56 PM

Now all you need is a straw, a rubber band, and gum, and you are all set! haha I can relate though. I safety pinned the heck out of a broken zipper once, but then found it hard to use the bathroom the rest of the day!

Posted by: Felicia at March 14, 2007 3:57 PM

In our house we are no strangers to the Sharpie quick fix. Shoes, belts and pants have had the treatment. Actually, our new microwave had a spot where the finish had been damaged in delivery. A silver sharpy fixed it right up.

Posted by: Melissa at March 14, 2007 4:00 PM

Sounds like question two is the most accurate. :P

Posted by: tesco at March 14, 2007 4:38 PM

I once ripped the ass of my jeans at a club. Apparently they were too tight, I was too sweaty, and the music was calling for too much booty work. So there I was, ass hanging out for all to see. It was only 11pm and my ride hadn't planned on leaving for another 2 hours. Do you know what I did? Nothing.

I tied a sweater around my waist for distraction(because it sure as heck didn't cover my tush) and kept on dancing. That's life. You either roll with it or get out of the game.

Posted by: Tink at March 14, 2007 4:56 PM

Sort of sounds like karma was trying to tell you to go home. And instead of listening, you just Sharpie'd the crap out of it.

Posted by: angela at March 14, 2007 8:05 PM

Oh, Chris, so rarely do I actually get to LOL, but today, I did! And how! (<--prettymuch always wanted to say that.) Thanks! And I love the button irony :-D

Posted by: Heather at March 14, 2007 8:28 PM

Are you The Hulk?

Posted by: Chag at March 14, 2007 10:19 PM

Thanks for the snort. Finished up a long, depressing evening and smiles of you in a suit (I never imagine you as a suit guy) doing sharpie repair were great. And I love Stacy and Clinton anyways.

Posted by: Heather at March 14, 2007 11:31 PM

I have nothing to say to this but HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! I can't believe you felt all good about yourself in your businessy attire and, meanwhile, had all those things wrong it. Friggin HI-larious!!!

Posted by: Haley-O at March 15, 2007 12:32 AM

Thank you for the laugh today, I really needed it!

Posted by: Heather at March 15, 2007 12:38 AM

stacey and clinton ROCK. i pray to god that no one in my family ever nominates me tho. i dress for comfort. that's how i roll.

Posted by: jodi at March 15, 2007 10:12 PM


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