April 25, 2007

A Requiem For Ed

Dear Ed,

We've known each other for, what, twenty years now? With that number of years between us, that kind of history, I feel like I owe you the truth, the courtesy of laying it all out on the table. Like I should level with you. So here it is - you're disgusting. I love you, but you're disgusting.

You and me have been through a lot. The nature of our relationship has always been on-again-off-again but, through thick and thin, we've always managed to remain tight. Like I said, we've got history. You were there when I bought my first guitar - a shitty, beat-up, used black piece of crap that, for some reason, sounded like heaven when I plugged it into the equally shitty amp I'd bought the same day. You accompanied me on dates. Some were great, like all those dates with my wife in college. Some were tragically bad, like that one with that high school friend when she got plowed on vodka beforehand and we saw that uber-shitty Roseanne Barr/Meryl Streep movie which she (the date) couldn't stop laughing like a maniac through. You were even there when things clicked between me and Beth. You saw dozens of movies; I apologize for the poor judgment leading us to terrible ones like the aforementioned She Devil and the whole Eyes Wide Shut debacle . You stuck with me on drunken binges; thank you for holding my hair. Speaking of hair, you've really seen a lot of action up close on that front too.

It saddens me that you're in such terrible shape now, after so many good years. But I'm afraid there's little that can be done. The years are showing and you haven't aged well. You've got spots - mostly from the times we painted houses in high school and college - all over you. The sweat and blood we lost together through the years have left your pale surface scarred, stained, battered. You are, quite honestly, falling apart at the seams.

After 20 years, Ed, I think this is where we part ways. Goodbye my friend. Thank you for so many good years. So long, little buddy.


Now, Ed aside, I have two things to address. First, yesterday's post? In real life, the person took the cash. As for me? I wouldn't have taken it. Second, head over to Beth's Playgroup Dropout site today for some video goodness.

Posted by Chris at April 25, 2007 7:26 AM

Are you throwing Ed away? Or just putting him on a high shelf? I have a sweatshirt in similar condition--stained, torn, nearly unwearable. But it's been a part of me for so long that I couldn't bear to toss it. It just sits, neatly folded, on the top shelf of my closet, doing nothing but being familiar.

Posted by: Alissa at April 25, 2007 7:59 AM

farewell ed.

Posted by: suze at April 25, 2007 8:26 AM

Seeya Ed.

Posted by: William at April 25, 2007 8:37 AM

Sadly, my "Ed" lost his place in our home before I moved out of my apartment into our shared one.

And, for the record, did the guy get the $5k cash on the spot, or did he have to wait for it? Because if the envelope is right there waiting, well, that changes the situation completely.

Posted by: SciFi Dad at April 25, 2007 9:15 AM

My son seems to have claimed my "Ed" as of late, which is kind of gross considering how much sweat it's taken. Did you go to UT? Longhorn over here.

Posted by: Holmes at April 25, 2007 9:20 AM

I'm sorry for your loss ;-P

Oh, and you are a bigger person than I (than me?). You wouldn't take it huh? Well would you offer to help them (lie) and just not take the cash or would you not take it and tell the truth. At first read I said I'd take it right away. But then I thought about it (damn brain) like what if he went on later to kill someone with his drunken driving....that would not be worth 5 grand. And then the paranoid girl came out and was like, what if this was a trap or like an episode of Punk'd????? Either way, my once speedy response changed. Damn you Chris, making me think this early. Eh, my fault I didn't read it yesterday. ahahahhaha

I'm gonna go have a drink for me, and one for your homey, Ed. AHAHAHAHAHA!

Posted by: Kate at April 25, 2007 9:22 AM

A Longhorn hat? Definitely time to retire it. I need to send you a Sooner's hat. Boomer Sooner!

Posted by: daisy at April 25, 2007 9:34 AM

Farewell, old friend.

I'll be in Austin for Memorial Day. Let me know if you need a new one..... We can't replace Ed but you could make room on your head for a new friend, right?

Posted by: donna at April 25, 2007 9:38 AM

Awww - I'll offer a Jayhawk one up for a replacement.

Posted by: Heather at April 25, 2007 9:58 AM

Wait, did you just slam She Devil? That movie is a classic! I'm sure your perception was just tainted by the bad date atmosphere, otherwise you'd surely recognize its fabulousness.

Posted by: Laura GF at April 25, 2007 10:27 AM

I guess we all have an "Ed". Mine was an Emory University jersey I got in my sophomore year of high school. I still have it, but it's threadbare and in a drawer for safekeeping.

Heading over to see the video goodness of which you speak!

Posted by: coolchick at April 25, 2007 10:44 AM

I have two Eds of my own. I don't wear them anymore because they cause children and dogs to run away crying into the night, but they'll have a place at my house forever.

You shouldn't throw Ed away. There's too much history there. Also, he might go to the media and spill the beans, then your life will be hell.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at April 25, 2007 11:05 AM

I, too, hope Ed is only being retired, not sent out to pasture (aka the trash heap).

Posted by: sue at April 25, 2007 11:29 AM

Hey Chris,
I have two Eds in my car right now. Bought them as just-in-case Christmas presents before I went to Louisiana at Christmas and they're still in the car. E-mail me your snail mail address and I'll send you a Longhorn Championship hat.

Cindy in Austin

Posted by: Cindy at April 25, 2007 12:16 PM

Sounds like Ed needs to retire and occupy a spot of honor in your house. Or...just be brought out for special occasions.

Posted by: wordgirl at April 25, 2007 12:31 PM


With regards to yesterday's post, I wouldn't take the cash either.

Posted by: Maria at April 25, 2007 12:52 PM

ed's lookin' awful..erm...crusty. ;)

Posted by: ali at April 25, 2007 1:05 PM

Hook 'em Horns baby! RIP Ed. (I so totally love you even more for having worn a Texas Longhorns hat for 20 years!)

Posted by: Teenuh at April 25, 2007 1:12 PM

This reminded me of when Tom Hanks screamed "Wilson!" in Castaway.


Posted by: Edge at April 25, 2007 1:21 PM

Hot Damn! Hook 'em!

Feel free to replace Ed.

Posted by: Pammer at April 25, 2007 2:48 PM

You do know of the "rack" thing you can put hats in, and wash them in the dishwasher, right? I'm just sayin'... I hate to see you part with an old friend like this. Tears me up.

Posted by: Brad at April 25, 2007 3:14 PM

Adieu, Ed. Adieu.

Posted by: Sphincter at April 25, 2007 6:51 PM

Taking the cash is not nearly as bad as forsaking "Ed". How can you?

Posted by: Kristy at April 25, 2007 9:30 PM

Man I was thinking "what a dick" until I saw the pics. LOL Maybe you should put it in a shadowbox or something. Some kind of box anyway.

Posted by: Laurie at April 25, 2007 10:24 PM

And so Ed goes the way of Golden Boy. It's so hard to give up those treasured items. Especially when they aren't something you can grow out of. I love that you can remember specific instances when you were together. The mark of a meaningful relationship.

Posted by: Annie at April 26, 2007 12:23 AM

Ed should go in a nice box or something. Friends like that can't and shouldn't be thrown away.

Posted by: nila at April 26, 2007 5:45 AM

Ah Ed. You were a good friend, loyal and true. You will be missed.

Although not by me.

Posted by: Elaine at April 26, 2007 12:44 PM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OMG I have an STP and a Notre Dame hat just like that one! but they will live FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! or not...so sad

Posted by: 2faced at April 28, 2007 5:37 PM

An Ode for an Ed...heheh...I know I'm a dork!

Posted by: Dee at April 30, 2007 4:58 PM

Hook 'Em! Didn't know you're a longhorn!

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