April 17, 2007

Six Strange Things

The past 24 or so hours have been a little strange. I have, with my own two eyes, seen some weird shit.

One. It appears as if a family of ducks has decided to call one of our local community pools home. They can frequently be seen taking a little swim or just resting beside the pool. They were all out for a morning swim this morning. This, of course, begs for some Soprano's metaphor (you remember all the way back to the first season, right?) but I can't for the life of me think of one.

Two. I met a pirate yesterday. Seriously. I don't know how else to describe him. I walked into a meeting and there, dressed in a suit, was a pirate. A relatively nice looking man, around fifty and slightly balding with a long gray beard. Each of his ears was pierced twice, each adorned with an insanely large diamond stud and a gold hoop the size of a quarter. His fingers were ornamented with large gold rings and around each of his wrists fell, literally, piles of gold bracelets. His gold cuff links were equally ornate. Granted, he didn't say arghh or make me walk the plank but he sure shivered me timbers.

Three. Mia, still under the weather, sneezed and let loose a snot-rocket of epic proportions. Its range was quite remarkable as were the multidirectional impacts. It hit her, various pieces of her clothing and mine, and claimed a throw pillow and couch cushion among its inanimate victims. My favorite part? She laughed hysterically. Of course, so did I.

Four. I waked into the restroom at my client's place of business yesterday, a large building with thousands of inhabitants, and discovered an individual who was, apparently, sincerely bored or easily amused, or both. See, he was peeing at a urinal in the men's room which in an of itself isn't exactly big news. But he was standing about six feet away from it (see diagram below). Seems he likes to start the day with a little target practice.Busted, he zipped up and left without explanation. Or flushing.

Five. 4:37 AM. No sleep was had last night due to a sick toddler who wanted Cheerios in the middle of the night. Am tired.

Six. Sixty people at Virginia Tech killed or injured in what is now the worst shooting massacre in the nation's history. In some bizarre coincidence, I was surrounded by people who graduated from the school while we watched all of this unfold. Tragic, and deserving of more finely wrought sentences than I'm capable of crafting this instant.

Posted by Chris at April 17, 2007 8:00 AM

I don't think he's really a pirate unless he had an eye patch. Or a peg leg. Did he have either of those things?

Nice bathroom diagram :-)

Posted by: Alissa at April 17, 2007 8:09 AM

I'm not criticizing or anything, but I need to make the observation that you're so "busy" at work, yet you have time to intimately draw to scale layouts of bathrooms. Do you actually have a job, or is that all an elaborate ruse to con Beth into child care duties?

(And I'm not trying to downplay what happened at VT; I've written about it, and thought about it enough, and if I don't stop now I'll end up moving my family to some remote northern town where we will live in a bunker.)

Posted by: SciFi Dad at April 17, 2007 8:30 AM

Did the pirate have a parrot? What was his name? Would it have worked as a pirate name?

Posted by: William at April 17, 2007 8:33 AM

I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering if you had any personal connection to that tragedy.

I have no words either.

Posted by: ann adams at April 17, 2007 8:42 AM

i am so troubled over #6. mostly, i'm troubled about how to explain this to my 6-year-old. i was glued to my tv yesterday...trying to soak it all in, and she was asking me what happened.

i didn't even know what to say....so i told her that she's not allowed to ever leave home. he.

Posted by: ali at April 17, 2007 8:55 AM

Having a son in college myself, the VT thing was quite unnerving. He called me after class yesterday, but mostly to let me know he'd had a near death experience of his own. Seems he was driving back to his apartment when a large tree fell across the road right in front of him. Pretty sure he needed to change his underwear at that point. I can't even imagine how the parents of the students at VT must feel though.

Pirate, eh? What the hell? You sure it wasn't Mr. T's understudy? No parrot & eyepatch? No ship? He didn't say "arrrr matey!"? Yep, probably Mr. T's man.

Maybe the guy was peeing from that range so that whoever opened the restroom door would get a look at his rig. Note the position of the X versus the door -- straight line. He might just be a perv. Or maybe a bored perv.

Posted by: coolchick at April 17, 2007 9:04 AM

Target Piss Man shouldn't have moved when you came in; that way he could've tried to play it off like he didn't know he was doing something weird.

Posted by: Fraulein N at April 17, 2007 9:06 AM

We just drove through that part of Virginia last Thursday on our way home from vacation. It's such a sad story.
I think I agree with the Mr. T understudy theory. Can't be a pirate without a parrot.

Posted by: Traci at April 17, 2007 9:18 AM

I am stunned at the sheer number of men who feel the need to kill others in a grand and very public manner before killing themselves to escape the consequences meted out by others. Why not just kill yourself first?

Posted by: wordgirl at April 17, 2007 9:32 AM

When we were in Paris in January, we were waiting in line to walk up the stairs to the Eiffel Tower when I noticed a very posh looking family in front of us. The father had the youngest daughter sitting on his shoulders and he had an enormous bald head. All of a sudden, she sneezed the most violent sneeze that I have ever seen in my entire life. All over his head. It was a goopy one.

There were a lot of people in that line attempting to avoid eye contact and hold in their laughter.

Posted by: Hope at April 17, 2007 9:33 AM

1) Freaky, yet naturelicious!

2) Just plain awesome. I bet he was dead sexy.

3) Well, ew.

4) Just glad I know it wasn't Pookie as he saves all his target practice for the backyard.

5) No sleep = bad. Cheerios = good.

6) Horrific. Tragic. Awful. Except even those words don't do it justice.

Posted by: Contrary at April 17, 2007 9:33 AM

If I recall season 1 correctly, as long as you don't get overly attached to the ducks, you're all good.

Posted by: Holmes at April 17, 2007 9:45 AM

gah . . . #6 . . . makes me go numb with a side order of anger, sorrow, and even guilt. The college town I live in has never had to endure such a tragic event.

*thank you* for including snot rocket news, updates are very very welcome! Inquiring minds want to know what Mia giggles at. :)

Posted by: Betti at April 17, 2007 9:59 AM

I'm choosing to focus on Pee Guy, here.

Was his aim and stream good? Or did he create a splattery mess and bail?

Posted by: Sphincter at April 17, 2007 10:55 AM

#2 If he had a parrot, he is a pirate. No parrot means he is a gypsy ;-)

#4 Did you start laughing when you walked in and saw him?

#5 I guess I should count myself lucky that I managed 30 minutes yesterday. I hope Mia is better soon.

#6 Tragic!

Posted by: Maria at April 17, 2007 11:45 AM

For the awfulness of Six... the giggles of Three is what we focus on when we're parents. Otherwise, we'd wrap them in bubblewrap, stuff them in packing peanuts and lock them in a safe. My heart goes out to the families of those poor people.

Oh...and the pirate? I'm wondering about the eyepatch, too. Otherwise, I'm thinking drug dealer.

Posted by: sue at April 17, 2007 12:03 PM

#6. is just horrific. Being a parent, I can't imagine getting that phone call. sigh

#1. we have a Canadian Goose that has decided to nest in the courtyard of of our office building in downtown Calgary. It nests there every year. The goslings are adorable.

#2. I would have thought hitman more than pirate from your description. But I am from Calgary (I don't think we even have any hitmen here. Well other than the hockey team).

#3. Gross, but really funny.

#4. I have nothing to say about that. Well maybe one thing. Nice diagram.

#5. it gets better... really .

Posted by: Kari at April 17, 2007 12:12 PM

why is the coverage on cnn so irritating, though? the girl who laughs in the middle of relaying how many people are dead because the wind is blowing her hair...the anchors who continue to ask, "what is the mood like on campus?" what do you think the mood is like, dip shit? here are some appropriate questions: who was this fuck, who knew him, why did he do this, where is his family, could this have been prevented? etc etc.

Posted by: you da mom! at April 17, 2007 12:15 PM

No parrot - no pirate (although a monkey would be suffice)

#4 that's funny! My friends and I would do that in Jr. High. And I use to do that while camping. And skiing, and fishing.

Posted by: creative-type dad at April 17, 2007 3:16 PM

Five or six feet? Man, that's nothing to be embarrassed about. I would've been nodding my head and yelling, "Yeah, that's right!"

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at April 17, 2007 3:22 PM

I'm really sorry about the shooting. It's been over the news here too. Of course, not without firing up the whole -everybody has a gun in the US- discussion.

Tim has been having a cold for two weeks now too! How do I teach him to blow his nose? :)

The toilet dude? Too funny! LOL :)

Posted by: Nadine at April 17, 2007 5:13 PM

Why has no one drawn a parallel between numbers 1 & 2? Did this "pirate" have a few too many buttons undone on his shirt?

Posted by: hannita at April 17, 2007 5:33 PM

modern day pirates are cool! wonder how many people he killed to get all that gold and jewelry. but the real test of a true pirate is the teeth, and seeing as he NEVER said ARG... well, you are going to have to go back and test the bloke.

snot rocket... heh heh... my son laughs at farts.

you got to love a sports fan in the latrine.

this killer was not an american. no telling what was going on in his mind. tragedy. there is no one to blame for this incident besides the man that shot people. the poor families. i really feel sorry for them.

done. end scene.

Posted by: melanie at April 17, 2007 6:50 PM

Great diagram.....I love the detail of the yellow line.

Posted by: Dennis at April 17, 2007 8:00 PM

Poor Mia. I know how she feels.
What happened at Virginia Tech, is no less than terrorism, it's horrific, I knew a kid who took a hit list to school, he couldn't go through with it, and ended up killing himself and making the class watch. To inflict this sort of thing upon the world, that affects not just those injured, but the parents, relatives, friends, people all across the world, that relate in some way, or can see their children at university and worry. It's terrorism.

Posted by: Toni-Marie at April 17, 2007 9:23 PM

hee...snot :)

Thanks for the smiles today!

Posted by: Sue at April 17, 2007 9:30 PM

pirate? no.... pimp...quite a possibility... but hey... i grew up in Detroit

Posted by: the unicorn at April 18, 2007 7:19 AM

Weird. Very weird. All of it.

Posted by: Janet at April 18, 2007 2:37 PM

very funny post - and indeed weird to laugh and then get snapped back to reality with no.6. watching nbc video now, and am more freaked out than ever.

Posted by: mox at April 18, 2007 10:05 PM

Did he say he saw Pirates of the Caribbean? Is he still pirating. Did he have a hook as a hand? Soooo cool....

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