May 17, 2007

I'm A Mess

Beth's smokin' hot ass. It's hot. And smokin'. Smokin' hot some would say. Me, for instance. I'd say that. I'd even add an extra t onto hot. That's how hott it is.

Why am I talking about Beth's smokin' hott ass? Besides the fact that it is ever so glorious? Because when I somewhat rhetorically asked Beth for a post idea, she suggested her smokin' hott ass. I'm sure she meant this just as rhetorically as I'd intended the original question but the old idea-well is pretty much sucked dry this week. Like a washed up hooker marooned in the desert. Or something.

Then I took a shower. All my best ideas come to me in the shower. Topless Tuesdays? Hit me like a revelation from god while lathering up. That whole Monday haiku thing? Yep, the fruit of a nice steamy shower. Post-It Notes? Not my idea but I thought about them in the shower once. But this time around, the shower let me down.

The truth is, frankly, I'm a mess this week. Little things are backfiring everywhere. In a bizarre move, I managed to shift everything on my calendar back by an hour yesterday. I've tried to replicate this since but so far, no luck. I'm like a twisted Outlook calendar savant or something. Either that or I actually changed time. Yesterday, I walked out of the house missing a belt and wearing two odd socks (as in, they didn't match, not that they walked funny and talked with a lisp). I believe I momentarily lost the ability to speak English yesterday afternoon while on a conference call; thank the baby jesus for the mute button, a concept that was invented, I'm sure, in the shower. I was humming a heavy metal version of the theme from the Andy Griffith Show in the bathroom a few minutes ago, only to discover I wasn't alone. I followed this by letting forth a burp of epic proportions once I'd returned to my desk, forgetting, apparently, that I was in the office; thanks to the baby jesus once again, since it was early and there was no one around to appreciate it.

Like I said, I'm a mess. I'm just going to cover myself in bubble-wrap and strap on a helmet. The rest of the weekend isn't going to be any less bumpy. Now, excuse me. I think I'm probably an hour late for something.

Posted by Chris at May 17, 2007 7:20 AM
Comments

Maybe you should just sit quietly and contemplate the smokin' nature of Beth's ass-hottness and then let the vibes wash over you until everything seems A-OK. Let her ass be your 'happy place'.

However, if someone asks you why you're smiling and staring at the wall, you probably shouldn't reply "I'm in Beth's ass because it's my happy place." That would be awkward, I bet.

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychologist.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at May 17, 2007 7:42 AM

so...I'm hearing that you're having a rough week and you like to think about your wife's smokin' hott ass while you're in the shower...

nothing wrong with that...

Posted by: jason at May 17, 2007 7:59 AM

I hope you are still wearing the bubble wrap and the helmet when we get there.

I'll bring my camera.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at May 17, 2007 8:31 AM

Oh, outlook-what did we do before it? That happened to me when daylight savings time happened and it took forever to clear up. Then my palm was stolen and I switched to a smart phone and all the times that got screwed up again.
Remember when we used to just remember where we were supposed to be? Those were the days.

Posted by: jodi at May 17, 2007 8:42 AM

did you sinc your outlook calendar to a PDA? it'd be kind of weird for it to happen so long after daylight savings time, but when i sinc'd my calendar up to my PDA a few weeks ago, everything went off by an hour.

when i worked at the daycare, we had a kid who was so accident prone that the parents actually made him wear a football helmet for a while. we had to talked hard and fast to get them to stop that.

Posted by: patricia at May 17, 2007 9:07 AM

You can never have too much bubble wrap.

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 17, 2007 9:11 AM

Thank you, 8-pound 4 oz. baby jesus in your manger.

Posted by: Brad at May 17, 2007 9:38 AM

Careful in the shower with the bubble wrap, that stuff's slippery when it gets wet.

Don't ask me how I know this.

Posted by: alison at May 17, 2007 9:41 AM

Though it feels odd to be making reference to the ass of your wife (smoking though it may be, it could be that the fact of it has rendered you somewhat giddy and unable to focus. Either that, or it's CRAZY TIME. I'm going with the ass.

Posted by: wordgirl at May 17, 2007 9:44 AM

if you take pictures in the bubble wrap and helmet...you've got an instant post for tomorrow!

Posted by: ali at May 17, 2007 10:25 AM

Smokin hot ass + bubble wrap + shower + a haiku = wildly entertaining post... run with it. ;)

Posted by: smoness at May 17, 2007 10:33 AM

Dude, I am feeling your pain. Is it naptime yet?

Posted by: Dawn at May 17, 2007 10:53 AM

ugh, I hate those kind of days. Where you feel all out of whack and you dont trust anything you say or do. Once in a chinese restaurant, I dont knw what came over me, but I picked up some lo mein noodles with my hand and titled my head back and proceeded to put the noodles in my mouth. My friend was looking at me horrified.....it was like for a minute I completely forgot where I was. thankfully not too many people saw me do it. ugh, im such an ass! hope you come back together real soon!

Posted by: MadMom at May 17, 2007 11:20 AM

I think we are connected by some weird intrinsic cyber thing as your week and mine have certain parallels.
I'm just holding my breath with hopes I make it through until the weekend.
Good luck!

Posted by: Maribeth at May 17, 2007 12:04 PM

I don't have a HAWT ass to distract me. I'm jealous. ;-)

I've been a day off. My assistant continually reminded me that it was NOT Thursday yesterday.

Don't forget the duct tape. It can fix anything.

Posted by: Maria at May 17, 2007 12:11 PM

OMG... It is spreading! (No, silly, not Beth's ass.)

Posted by: sue at May 17, 2007 12:24 PM

What? No ass post?

Damn.

Posted by: Pammer at May 17, 2007 12:45 PM

what?
no pictures?

Posted by: s@bd at May 17, 2007 1:09 PM

Sorry you're having an off week, but this post made me laugh out loud. So maybe I'm not that sorry.... (I'm selfish that way)

Posted by: Kris at May 17, 2007 1:41 PM

Wow, this week has been a wacky one for a lot of people I know. I woke up this morning certain that it was Friday and am now very disappointed.

Posted by: Melissa at May 17, 2007 1:48 PM

Bubble wrap might be the answer. The helmet just seems a bit much though. Maybe you need a "sick day", because it's never a good sign when someone calls Thursday the weekend.

I tried to say something yesterday, but I couldn't get it too post, but I'm extremly sorry about your grandfather and I hope he'll be all right. To give you a hopeful outlook, my neighbor had a stroke about six weeks ago, she was in her house for five days until she managed to open a window and call for help. She was in the hospital for a month and it now in a nursing care situation, but she's doing a lot better and may get to come home soon. Hopefully your grandfather will improve over time.

Posted by: Phoenix at May 17, 2007 2:09 PM

It is very good that you like Beth's ass. I'm pretty sure that's one of the ingredients to a happy marriage ;-)
I really hope your week improves, or at least just hurries up and ends.

Posted by: Heather at May 17, 2007 2:27 PM

"The rest of the weekend isn't going to be any less bumpy." You do realize that it's only Thursday and you still have a day left before the weekend. Hopefully, you can make it that long.

Posted by: Krush at May 17, 2007 2:41 PM

Bubble wrap is the best.

Posted by: :: jozjozjoz :: at May 17, 2007 2:43 PM

You probably bend time and have the same power as Hiro! Yatta! (if you're not into Heroes this doesn't make sense at all)

"that they walked funny and talked with a lisp" LOL!

Posted by: Nadine at May 17, 2007 2:56 PM

Well, at least you're a mess who is married to somebody with a smokin' ass. There are lots of people out there who are a mess, and their spouses do not have smokin' asses.

Posted by: Sphincter at May 17, 2007 3:26 PM

I'm a mess too after 2 full weeks of non-stop action at the office. Hence, I took a mental day today. :)

Hope things get better for you soon! Oh, and the burping thing? Don't be embarrassed, brother. Be proud!

Posted by: oakley at May 17, 2007 6:02 PM

its been a while since i've read your blog on reg. basis (about... well, how old is your child?), but i totally forgot what i've been missing out on! this was great... oh, and i'm sure your wife does have a smokin' hott ass! ;) enjoy it!

Posted by: laurad at May 17, 2007 8:01 PM

Naps usually help.

Posted by: Jenn at May 17, 2007 10:11 PM

We messed up our entire Saturday last weekend because we thought we had a sporting event at 7 pm. Wrong weekend, luckily we realized this before we left the house.

Sometimes, our brains just don't work very well. We all have days and weeks like this.

Loved the hot ass stuff. You made me laugh and smile as usual.

Posted by: Diane at May 19, 2007 5:54 PM

We messed up our entire Saturday last weekend because we thought we had a sporting event at 7 pm. Wrong weekend, luckily we realized this before we left the house.

Sometimes, our brains just don't work very well. We all have days and weeks like this.

Loved the hot ass stuff. You made me laugh and smile as usual.

Posted by: Diane at May 19, 2007 5:55 PM

We messed up our entire Saturday last weekend because we thought we had a sporting event at 7 pm. Wrong weekend, luckily we realized this before we left the house.

Sometimes, our brains just don't work very well. We all have days and weeks like this.

Loved the hot ass stuff. You made me laugh and smile as usual.

Posted by: Diane at May 19, 2007 5:55 PM

Oooohhhh, I had no idea you were so religious ;)

Posted by: Dee at May 21, 2007 10:49 PM

It's a good thing the baby jesus is so in tune with you!

Too bad about the burp, though.

Posted by: Beth at May 22, 2007 10:58 PM


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