May 11, 2007

Schadenfreude Friday: So Many Stupid People, So Little Time

In my flurry of schadenfreude-related activity last week, I managed to miss a few very schadenworthy stories. Clearly, the freaks get all riled up in the summer.

I missed the fantastic story about The Hoff. The Hoffster - a man who actually refers to himself as The Hoff as evidenced by the title of his forthcoming autobiography, Don't Hassle The Hoff (I honestly wish I was making this up but I'm not) - was videotaped by his 16 year old daughter fairly recently. Dead drunk and shirtless. Remember the scene in OId School in which Will Ferrell gets hit with a tranquilizer dart? The Hoffarino sounded just like that. Worse, he was chowing down on a big, juicy hamburger whilst splayed on the floor. The video is an instant classic and a fantastic addition to the Vault Of Schadenfreude. If this ain't schadenfreude, I'm not sure what is. Bet The Hoff wishes KITT was here. KITT could have gotten him out of this jam.

I was also blind to the latest Paris Hilton debacle. See, Paris is headed to jail for 45 days and she's freaking the fuck out. It's awesome. She's started a petition to keep her out of jail (as if a pesky thing like the law doesn't exist and frequently overlooks public opinion) and quite a few "Save Paris" campaigns have been launched. I hereby start the Give Paris Hilton An Extra 45 Days for Being A Stupid Useless Ho-Bag campaign. I'll be asking for volunteers soon. We can take the country by storm. Why so bitter, you ask? I don't do a good job tolerating stupidity. And Paris is stupid. A couple of days ago - after being sentenced by a judge to jail time for driving on a suspended license - the paparazzi caught up with Paris doing something extraordinary. Driving.

If I'm talking about Paris, I might as well mention Britney Spears. Last week she kicked off a quick round of "comeback" shows. What she failed to mention was that each "concert" was scheduled to last a mere 15 minutes. What she also failed to do was sing. She lip-synced each show, often visibly chewing gum while she was supposed to be belting out her "hits." I know, I shouldn't waste the "ink" on a "talent" like Britney. But it lets me use a lot of "quotes".

The gap-toothed and strangely spelled Jorja Fox, star of CSI: Ridiculous (which I still, for some reason, love and watch) wants off the show. Of course she's been fired and re-hired before so anything could happen. Rumor is, she's walked leading to her character's death on the show. Funny thing? She refuses to shoot the death scenes. Jorja? You're a really sucky actress. You think you've got a career after this?

Finally, it's surfaced that Katie "Hard News" Couric is on her way out at CBS despite the fact that they paid, like, a bazillion dollars to lure her away from the Today Show. The ratings for the completely irrelevant CBS Evening News have sunk to their lowest numbers since 1986. I think it's time for another sensationalistic colonoscopy.

That's all I've got. It's hard to move on after you've broken out a colonoscopy.

Posted by Chris at May 11, 2007 7:13 AM

Ms. Hilton has actually requested pardons from both Schwarzenegger and the President. The very idea that any single person would have such an overblown level of self-importance is so ass-rapingly awful that it makes me weep openly. I don't normally wish ill on anyone, but, God, I hope she goes to jail.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at May 11, 2007 7:49 AM

I will join your Paris Hilton campaign. Do we get t-shirts?

Posted by: Alissa at May 11, 2007 8:07 AM

While I don't tolerate Paris either, I think I read that her license was given back to her recently, so her driving incident was not illegal. That being said, I want to campaign for her to do a year of hard time in a real prison, not some pansy city jail. That would knock her down a peg or two.

Don't Hassle the Hoff???? Oh my....

Posted by: donna at May 11, 2007 9:24 AM

Acting skills aside, Jorja is a FOX!

Posted by: Adam at May 11, 2007 9:24 AM

I just sent a "Give Paris Hilton An Extra 45 Days for Being A Stupid Useless Ho-Bag campaign" letter to to Governator. Waiting to hear back.

And, duuuuuuude, Britney Spears? I cannot believe the paparazzi even waste gas on her. She's a train wreck but she ceased to be fun to watch a while ago - now she's just irrelevant and I'm starting to feel embarrassed for her. Her House of Blues stunts should have told her remaining "fans" all they needed to know. Girl is whack. And probably on crack! HA!

Posted by: trix at May 11, 2007 9:40 AM

First off, this Hoff thing. While I am sure it is a complete and total fabrication (and will, in fact, refuse to view the video so as not to play into the fiction of it all), this was totally something you should have e-mailed me about! You know how I feel about the Hoff! Sheesh.

Also, I hate Jorja Fox. The whole Grissom/Sara story line was alternately creepy and gross. I'm perfectly fine with her not showing up for her death scenes because that spares me having to spackle the whole TV screen in an attempt to fix her teeth, which, Jorja? Sometimes a gap is cute, but sometimes it's a problem and you should get it fixed before old people start getting their canes stuck in it. Guess which you are?

Posted by: Contrary at May 11, 2007 9:44 AM

I can't watch the Hoff video here at work, but I'm checking it out when I get home, first thing. I have a feeling it's going to be mind-blowingly awesome.

Also, let me know when the Paris shirts are ready. I definitely want one.

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 11, 2007 9:44 AM

"Give Paris Hilton An Extra 45 Days for Being A Stupid Useless Ho-Bag campaign"

hah....that's awesome. :) i'm all about that.

Posted by: reb at May 11, 2007 10:14 AM

I'm in for the Paris Hilton campaign. Although, even 90 days in jail isn't long enough...I think we should be petitioning for life...

Posted by: suze at May 11, 2007 10:18 AM

I'd love to be involved with the Paris campaign. She ticks me off. Her very existence is insulting.

Posted by: Beth at May 11, 2007 10:24 AM

45 days is NOT enough...

Posted by: ali at May 11, 2007 10:49 AM

I volunteer to work day and night on this Paris campaign! Between her and her mother I'm not sure which one is worse. She definitely needs to serve more than 45 days just for sheer stupidity. "I didn't know" and "I don't read my mail" would not fly for the rest of us in a court of law so it shouldn't for her either!!
She is a disgrace.

Speaking of a disgrace, Britney is supposed to be making a comeback by getting on stage and doing the same old tired stuff as before? I agree with whoever said why does the paparazzi waste their gas. She is a waste of gas and a waste of film. I guess they just want to be there for the next meltdown. And it's coming!!

Posted by: snakeepoo at May 11, 2007 11:42 AM

I have a friend who calls Jorja Fox "Forensic Gum" due to the way she talks. Makes me crazy and I grew up in California with a wide range of speech freaks (Like, OMG, you did NOT just say that!).

But yes, I am still sucked in by that show. It's the good kind of creepy.

Posted by: Elaine at May 11, 2007 12:04 PM

"Ms. Hilton has actually requested pardons from both Schwarzenegger and the President."

Is that really true?!

Posted by: sunchaser at May 11, 2007 12:11 PM

I was hoping you'd sound off on the Paris Hilton issue today. The petition to the Governator to encourage him NOT to grant clemency has almost 20k signatures. I heard on CNN's Nancy Grace last night that the "rally" to support Paris Hilton generated 3 people, and one of them worked for Nancy Grace! Now THAT is hilarious!

Posted by: coolchick at May 11, 2007 12:43 PM

where do I sign?

Posted by: s@bd at May 11, 2007 1:04 PM

Oh, my... I don't even know where to start.

Posted by: sue at May 11, 2007 1:06 PM

I am completely on board with your Paris Hilton campaign. Where do I join?

Posted by: bad penguin at May 11, 2007 1:58 PM

I'm just waiting to see what happens when Paris ends up in the slammer. Dude, that's going to be crazy.

Posted by: Isabel at May 11, 2007 4:19 PM

Hasselhoff is actually worth over $100,000,000. Where's the Justice in that? They should make Paris and the Hoff be connected at the waist for a month and film it for a fabulous new VH1 show! I know I'd watch.

Posted by: Sonic Reducer at May 11, 2007 4:46 PM

I saw the movie of "The Hoff". I don't think I've ever seen anything more sad. That guy should sober up.

I'm all for 45 days extra for Paris! That, or 45 daily specials of the (very) Simple Life.

Posted by: Nadine at May 11, 2007 7:09 PM

The Hoff video was disturbing, but I could not stop watching. And it's cracking me up how all these kids of famous people are getting their idiotic parents back by placing their foibles on the web.

And Paris? My throat starts to constrict when I think about her, so I won't.

Posted by: aimee/greeblemonkey at May 11, 2007 10:45 PM

Paris's dad has more money than God. Why doesn't she just hire a DRIVER??

Posted by: kalisah at May 12, 2007 1:03 AM

I think Paris, Britney and The Hoff should go on tour. They could call it Schadenfreudepalooza. I'll make tee shirts.

Posted by: krystyn at May 12, 2007 9:39 AM

This week I actually wrote a letter to Ms. Hilton on my know...just to clear the air regarding my feelings about her upcoming "unfortunate incarceration". And I also saw the Hoff video. Sweet Lord! You've gotta feel for the teenage daughter who filmed that mess, yet I guess it took guts, too. You've got to really want Dad to get his shit together badly, if you're willing to do something like this. Great post.

Posted by: wordgirl at May 12, 2007 10:34 AM

Okay, I'm laughing so hard at Contrary's comment that I forgot what I was going to say.

Posted by: Alison at May 12, 2007 12:03 PM

I'd like to be the China correspondent for the Paris campaign please.

Posted by: Jenn at May 13, 2007 4:04 AM

You might hate me for knowing this, but the fact is I recently heard, she might not end up spending the whole sentence(ignore the whole money and connections part of the deal) in the jail, because they have a space issue in the jails.

Posted by: Dee at May 14, 2007 11:07 PM

"Schadenworthy." This is my new favorite word. I'm going to use it at every oppertunity.

Posted by: Cartwheels At Midnight at May 16, 2007 7:42 PM

"Schadenworthy." This is my new favorite word. I'm going to use it at every opportunity.

Posted by: Cartwheels At Midnight at May 16, 2007 7:43 PM