May 8, 2007

A Six-Pack of Weird

It's only 7:00 and already I've seen some strange shit. I'm in for a long day...

One. I walked out of the parking garage into my building this morning behind a statuesque African-American woman. I came to the conclusion, after observing for a bit, that there was something terribly wrong with what I was seeing. She was over six feet tall and the way she carried herself was all wrong. Her calves were massive and she had trouble negotiating the sidewalk and building entrances in her heels; at one point, she even lost a shoe. When she turned around to glance behind her, it was clear. She wasn't an ugly woman but she was, or had been, at some point, a man. I don't have any issues with people being who they want to be. But you've gotta at least try to walk the walk...

Two. I drank some coffee. I had to pee. Such is life. As I peed, I noticed some pretty hardcore moaning and grunting coming from a nearby stall. Now, when I hear that kind of noise, I typically expect to hear a nice pop followed by the cries of a newborn taking their first breath. Not someone dropping his kids off at the pool. If the dude had tried any harder, he would have sprained his ass. Let this be a lesson to you all - people listen.

Three. A homeless dude standing on a street corner with a sign that read "Does a bear shit in the woods? Please help the homeless." It's quite possible that this individual doesn't quite understand the nuances of the bear-shitting idiom. Either that or I don't have a good grasp on it myself.

Four. Some crazy bastard apparently took the stairs too quickly. When I happened upon him, he'd subverted the laws of physics and had managed to get a shirt cuff inexplicably wrapped around the banister of the stairway. And he couldn't figure out how to get it unwrapped. Oh, wait. That crazy bastard was me.

Five. A freak in an elevator singing the wrong words to Faith No More's Epic. Something like, You took a fall cos you're a rabbit. He looked totally shocked when walked in upon, as if he was the only person expected to travel in elevators on Tuesdays. Shit. Me again.

Six. Everyone has to swipe their badges to get into the office. So it was odd when some dude had his ass planted against the badge reader. It was even stranger when he was granted access. Turns out, the badge-reader doesn't accept asses. His badge was in his back pocket and his hands were full. And yeah, if you're guessing that was me again, you're correct.

Posted by Chris at May 8, 2007 7:04 AM

Sounds like you can still see the fun in the small things. :-)

And hey, ain't it normal to fall on the stairs cause your sleeve or someting gets caught? It is for me at least.

And to maybe teach some male restroom etiquette to all your colleagues, have a look at

Have a nice day!

Posted by: mikkie at May 8, 2007 7:32 AM

In Australia we say we're going to "drop the Cosby kids off at the pool." Um, yeah...

Posted by: E :) at May 8, 2007 7:57 AM

"dropping his kids off at the pool"????

lol. Thanks for the early morning laugh. I've never heard that term before...

Posted by: Alissa at May 8, 2007 8:04 AM

I wish I had mornings like you. :D Seriously, if I had laughed any louder, I'd have woken Sully up. The stair thing is hilarious--I have a lot of trouble with stairs. Apparently I never learned how to work them. If they are carpeted, I -will- fall every time I'm on them. I don't fall on mine anymore. I just walk very slowly.

Yay for singing in elevators. And ass swiping! (Which is totally not the same as ass wiping!)

Posted by: Phoenix at May 8, 2007 8:05 AM

Well at least it wasn't you making the birthing noises in the bathroom. Or being the 6 ft tall transsexual!

Posted by: Lisa at May 8, 2007 8:06 AM

Wow Chris, is it a full moon? Yikes, what a morning!

Posted by: coolchick at May 8, 2007 8:17 AM

Is it safe to assume you aren't the statuesque woman/man?

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at May 8, 2007 8:21 AM

I must admit to doing the ass-badge swipe.

Yesterday on my way in to work I saw a guy doing some sort of nasal irrigation procedure in the parking lot of a gas station.

Posted by: Nicole at May 8, 2007 8:27 AM

Hey Chris,

That was hilarious. I read your blog during my Tuesday morning business class, and I have to repress my laughter in the middle of the world's most boring lecture on Medicare. Anyway, thanks for cheering me up this morning. By the way, check out my new blog (hyperlink attached to my name above).


Posted by: Dolly at May 8, 2007 8:30 AM

You had me there till you told me you used your ass to get in the office. Something about that just isn't right at all! I mean considering what most work places do to our asses is it really wise to be inviting it?

Posted by: Jeff A at May 8, 2007 8:33 AM

What a morning. It could be worse though. It could be Monday. I've done the ass swipe thing. It didn't work for me either. Have a fun, funky day.

Posted by: nila at May 8, 2007 8:35 AM

LOL. now all you need is someone wearing a fanny pack and your day is complete. ;)

Posted by: Manda at May 8, 2007 8:40 AM

I do the purse swipe all the time.

You reminded me of this -

Posted by: ktjrdn at May 8, 2007 8:45 AM

The mister does the hip swipe at his job, which I find very cool for some reason. It seems very James Bond, I suppose.

Posted by: Fraulein N at May 8, 2007 9:09 AM

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds her garments inexplicably attached to strange objects, like cupboard handles and handrails...

Hope the day improves!

Posted by: suze at May 8, 2007 9:13 AM

The homeless man's sign is pure genius. People will give him money because they don't want to look stupid - as if they don't understand his message.

"Hmm...does a bear shit in the woods?...the answer is 'Yes'....Help the homeless...ummmm....ok, I guess...."

I hope tomorrow this guy has a sign that reads "Does the Pope wear a funny hat? God bless you for your generosity"

Posted by: Phil at May 8, 2007 9:22 AM

First off, even I cannot negotiate heels - and I am totally female.

the rest? well... let's just leave it that I'm sitting at my desk giggling and getting weird looks from my co-workers. :)

Posted by: sue at May 8, 2007 9:42 AM

Now you're going to tell me that, despite the pics we've been seeing, you're really a statuesque African-American woman...or a homeless guy asking questions regarding the bathroom habits of bears. The mind reels.

Posted by: wordgirl at May 8, 2007 9:45 AM


the first time i ever heard the phrase "drop the kids off at the pool" was when my cousin said it. i didn't get it at all. I was like, "um.. why? it's november!"

Posted by: Denise at May 8, 2007 10:08 AM

delurking to comment...I just found your site a few weeks ago through amalah, and man I gotta say you crack my butt up!!! I seriously almost snarfed my ensure reading today's post!!! I got the best mental pic of your rubbing your butt on the badge swipey thing!! *rolling*

Posted by: Kris at May 8, 2007 10:26 AM

There is a reason I will only drop kids off at my own pool. People listen. Urgh.

It's so cute that you're as big a ditz as I am, maybe even bigger.

Posted by: Contrary at May 8, 2007 10:27 AM

LOL! I always swipe my purse. It's too messy in there to find my office badge :)

Posted by: Nadine at May 8, 2007 10:44 AM

I laughed through this whole post, but the badge-ass-swipe made me snort loudly.

I wear a badge on a holder around my neck. Thankfully, I don't have to swipe to enter the building, or I'd be doing a boob swipe and that would just be too weird. I get to lift my badge up and have a guard touch it, which is kinda weird in its own way.

Posted by: KathyK at May 8, 2007 11:30 AM

For the people who never heard dropping the kids off at the pool, here's another one for you.

Taking the browns to the superbowl.

There is a chance that I listen to far too much Larry the Cable Guy!!

Have a good day, Chris! Try to make it home without injuring yourself!!

Posted by: snakeepoo at May 8, 2007 11:34 AM

i swear on my life that i saw someone get into our building like that last week. just put her ass up against the badge reader. i was all confused until i realized it was in her back pocket...

Posted by: ali at May 8, 2007 11:54 AM

If #4, #5, and #6 were actually you, then....hmmmmmm.....are you absolutely certain that you're not a large black man dressed like a woman? Seriously. You're sure?

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at May 8, 2007 12:17 PM

admit it, you enjoyed being a 6ft tall african american transvestite. even if it were just for one day.

Posted by: jodi at May 8, 2007 2:20 PM

hahaha. thanks for the giggle. 2 days into bathroom construction and I coule use all the humor I can get!

Posted by: Colleen at May 8, 2007 2:24 PM

Seriously, my husband still dies laughing anytime he gets to use the "I just dropped the kids off at the pool" line. I don't think he will ever outgrow it.

I have rubbed my ass against the badge reader more than once on Fridays, when I used to get to wear jeans. It always seemed that I had a handful of something that would require me to rump-rub the reader. It always got interesting looks.

Maybe the "Does a bear shit in the woods" refers to what 99% of people think that the homeless are going to spend that money on when you give them any (beer, cigarrettes, drugs) and what most likely 99% of the homeless do spend the money on. Apparently, this guy is telling you that he is as likely to take that $.58 you hand him from your coin cup and walk across the street to buy beer, as a bear is as likely to shit in the woods.

Posted by: Jen at May 8, 2007 5:22 PM

ass badges....good one

Posted by: Kristy at May 8, 2007 5:24 PM

All I can say (as far as Four, Five, and Six go) is that you are one talented guy! Opening doors via a card reader via your ass? Pure talent, baby!

Posted by: ironic1 at May 8, 2007 6:23 PM

Those are some interesting visuals you left us with. Thanks for that!

Posted by: angela at May 8, 2007 6:44 PM

That has to be the funniest post I have read in ages. You made me cry in a good way!

Posted by: Sleepynita at May 8, 2007 11:23 PM

Admit it - you were the person referenced in number 1 too right. ;)

Posted by: Jacqueline at May 9, 2007 12:41 AM

You had a busy day!

Posted by: Dianna at May 9, 2007 2:04 AM

You had a busy day!

Posted by: Dianna at May 9, 2007 2:05 AM

Item #6, I do that every morning but I put my entire back into it. My access card is in the front pocket of my backpack, so I just turn my back to the reader, hike up the pack to the right level and do that bear-rubbing-her-back-on-a-tree move.

Much entertainment for the security guys when after the motion and there was no beep, then I remembered that the card was in the purse inside the backpack. Whoops.

Posted by: oakley at May 9, 2007 11:03 AM

Gotta love the ass swipe at the building ID security turnstiles and double doors!!! I do it all the time!!! Only I have to do it in the lobby and on my floor!!! It's become a trend lately in my building. See you're trendy!!!!

Posted by: Li'l Foot's mommy at May 9, 2007 4:54 PM

Two separate coworkers just came in and checked on me because I was trying to smother my laughing but also sounded like I was crying, with intermittent bursts of giggles (i.e. l-o-o-n-e-y).

Posted by: aimee/greeblemonkey at May 9, 2007 4:57 PM

"You want it all, but you can't have it..."

Posted by: Stacy at May 9, 2007 6:32 PM

Aren't you resourceful? You evidently got your cuff un-stuck. And have pity on the transexual. Those heels take time to get used to.

Posted by: Annie, The Evil Queen at May 9, 2007 10:50 PM

Hehehe, that's pretty crazy dude! :D

Posted by: Dee at May 9, 2007 11:18 PM