June 5, 2007

ElmoWood: The Red Menace And The American West

Over the weekend, amidst all the home repair, we thought we made Mia an offer she couldn't and wouldn't refuse - the opportunity to watch a little Elmo. Turns out she's a little more resourceful than we suspected. She not only found an Elmo DVD but turned on the DVD player, ejected the tray, loaded the disk and turned the television on. This from a kid who never watches television. Unfortunately, she didn't actually load an Elmo DVD. She chose Deadwood instead.

For those of you uninitiated in the wonder that is Deadwood, it's a fantastic show that takes place in, duh, Deadwood during the rush for gold before the Dakotas were states. The show is fantastic. The language, on the other hand, is foul. Which makes the show perfect in my mind, although not ideal kid viewing. Yet, I could see a hybrid of the two working...

The scene: Elmo's crayon-drawn saloon. Elmo, with his sidekick, Dorothy, are knocking back a few whiskeys smoking hand-rolled cigarettes while Big Bird and Cookie Monster beat the crap out of a local cattle-rustler.

Elmo: Oh hello there, cocksuckers! Today Dorothy and Elmo want to learn about the heathen dirt-worshiping mother-fuckers called Indians*. Let's see if old Doc Noodle can show us how to blow those cocksuckers back to Montana Territory. Oh no! Doc Noodle isn't around. He must be with a whore down at Hooper's Saloon. So let's count hookers with The Count instead.

The Count: Ah ah ah. Thank you Elmo. One...two...three...three filthy prostitutes. And look! One...two...three...three dirty drunk gold prospectors paying them each a dollar!

Elmo: Thank you, you cocksucker! And look! Cookie Monster is just back from tar-and-feathering a Chinese railroad worker who stole one of his cookies!

Cookie Monster: Hello Elmo. C is for cookie. And cocksuckers who steal cookies!

Elmo: Thanks for stopping by ElmoWood. Remember, Elmo loves you cocksuckers.

I'll admit, I don't have it totally worked out. And this might not be the correct medium to fully appreciate the genius that is this idea. I'll keep working on it. And my other idea - a group of mobbed-up Teletubbies taking over The Sopranos' time slot after Tony and company leave the airwaves this weekend.

* I seem to have triggered my own internal Political Correctness Alarm. I hope it goes without saying that I have immense respect for the Native Americans who were so wrongly treated by the early settlers of this country and referred to as "dirt worshipers" and "heathens". Elmo is clearly unsympathetic to the plight of the American Indian. You'd think being a minority himself, he'd be slightly more tolerant of other minorities. Furry cocksucker.

Posted by Chris at June 5, 2007 6:55 AM

Yes, you would think Elmo would be more sympathetic.

The child in me loves that he said cocksuckers :-)

Posted by: Maria at June 5, 2007 7:27 AM

Firstly, I do not approve of this horrible characterization of a beloved friend and puppet.

Secondly, hee. Funny. :D

Now I can't get Elmo's voice out of my head as he's saying cocksucker. So wrong!

Posted by: patricia at June 5, 2007 8:36 AM

I'm sorry but imagining Elmo and Cookie Monster saying "cocksuckers" will never get old.

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 5, 2007 8:42 AM

Interesting how often the word "heathen" was thrown around by people who regularly shot people and got their groove on with the nastiest whores west 'o the Mississippi.

I'd pay good money to see a movie involving Elmo using the word 'cocksucker' over and over. And over. I think you're onto something, Johnny Entrepreneur.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at June 5, 2007 8:52 AM

Heeheehee. I'm with Patricia. I'll be hearing Elmo saying cocksuckers all morning long...

Posted by: suze at June 5, 2007 9:17 AM

Elmowood? What will you think of next?

Posted by: Zandria at June 5, 2007 9:22 AM

Okay, stop now. Whatever drugs you're on, I want some. :)

Posted by: sue at June 5, 2007 9:42 AM

I believe they alreay used "c is for cocksucker" on Sesame Street. It's part of their effort to put more "street" in the Sesame.

Posted by: whit at June 5, 2007 10:09 AM

Such a great way to start the morning. If Elmowood were a series... I'm sure we'd buy it on dvd. haha

Posted by: Colleen at June 5, 2007 10:10 AM

I'll never feel the same way about Elmo again.

Be proud of Mia. Our gang learned to put cookies in the recorder long before they learned how to operate it.

Those weren't too bad but the peanut butter sandwiches were murder.

Posted by: ann adams at June 5, 2007 10:26 AM

Oh good. Apologize to the Native Americans and left us Asians out of your apology list. Tarred and feathered the Chinese guy who stole the cookie. Uh-huh. You're so PC.



Posted by: oakley at June 5, 2007 10:45 AM

Yes, there is something sick and delightedly twisted at reading that in the proper voice for each character.

And as a newbie to this site, may I say that my own daughter has been called Brennabean since birth. Good choice.

Posted by: Candy at June 5, 2007 11:05 AM

I don't know if I have an internal political correctness alarm. Where can I get one installed?

Posted by: sandra at June 5, 2007 11:13 AM

I always thought the Count was the cocksucker... or maybe that was the bloodsucker. Very confusing.

Posted by: Johnny Gun Smoke at June 5, 2007 11:18 AM

This is fantastic. I don't know where I am going to get my fill of swearing on TV with both of my favorite HBO shows gone.

Posted by: anna at June 5, 2007 11:19 AM




Do I miss you!

Posted by: Kate at June 5, 2007 11:45 AM

Elmo with boobs...

Now I've seen it all.

Posted by: Tink at June 5, 2007 11:47 AM

lol, I like your version. Anyway, it makes SO much more sense than any episode of "Little Freaking Einsteins" ever did! I've about had it with those little twerps.

Posted by: Amy at June 5, 2007 11:49 AM

"Furry Cocksucker" OMG. Thanks for the laugh!

Posted by: Darcy at June 5, 2007 11:52 AM

"Furry Cocksucker" OMG. Thanks for the laugh!

Posted by: Darcy at June 5, 2007 11:52 AM

hehe you crazy.

Posted by: chepooka at June 5, 2007 12:12 PM

Your ideas couldn't have come at a better time. My husband and I were just asking ourselves what would fill The Sopranos void. Everyone needs profanity ridden drama in there lives....

Posted by: Kim at June 5, 2007 12:13 PM

Best post ever!

I now need to get Elmo out of my head!!!

Thanks for the laugh.

Posted by: Kali at June 5, 2007 12:35 PM

I'm going to have a "furry cocksucker" t-shirt made for the g-dforsaken tickle me elmo at our house.

Posted by: pammer at June 5, 2007 1:23 PM

I think it's time to up the flow on your coffee drip again...

Posted by: smoness at June 5, 2007 1:49 PM

Spectacular use of photoshop, my friend...

Posted by: Leah at June 5, 2007 7:28 PM

I love this, although I am scared a bit. Just a small bit though.

Love the picture too. Oh and my niece could operate the DVD player at 2 also. Asked to watch Nemo one second and then it was playing another. We were all just wondering who taught her to do that. Dude, they pick so much up just by watching us, it's scary.

Posted by: Phoenix at June 5, 2007 8:32 PM

Elmowood -- sounds like a pornstar name or something! hee! :) LOVE the dialogue you came up with. And, I'm SHOCKED that Mia is already so technically savvy!!! :)

Posted by: Haley-O at June 5, 2007 8:45 PM

That made me laugh so loud I SNORTED.

And after reading the comment above mine, I vote for a post with your version of an Elmo porno.

Posted by: krystyn at June 5, 2007 9:30 PM

Sooooo... how many bad words has Mia said since being traumatized by the Deadwood DVD?

The Sesame Street/Deadwood parody is genius! Surely there's a Southpark/Deadwood episode in our future?

Posted by: coolchick at June 5, 2007 10:05 PM

I'm not sure if words can express how much I enjoyed this episode of "Elmowood". Counting hookers with the Count! Cookie Monster beating the crap out of someone! Is Oscar the Grouch the head of the rival saloon?

Posted by: bad penguin at June 6, 2007 9:59 AM

OK. I tried not to comment on this (I started getting Deadwood via Netflix b/c of Beth's post on it a while ago - thanks Beth!) but I just have to say it. There is not one use of the word pu**y in this entire scene! And so it seems as if something is off in Elmowood.

Posted by: hannita at June 6, 2007 11:59 AM

I think it goes without saying that you are a god. Pure genius.

Now I just hope I don't accidentally call my wife a cocksucker.

Posted by: lefty at June 6, 2007 10:52 PM

Dude, it's in their genes. Don't get between a girl and her Elmo.

Posted by: aimee/greeblemonkey at June 8, 2007 3:58 PM