June 27, 2007

Reminders of Scarsdale

Sweet buttery Jesus, it's happened again. I'm nothing if not a freak magnet. And apparently, I've developed a specialty, a niche market if you will - elevator freaks. Last week it was Crazy Deadwood Elevator Freak. This week? Deathly Afraid of Elevators Rainman-like Freak.

So, I'm at my client's site, right? And I decide to head out for a little walk and lunch. Because it was nice, or at least I thought it was but it turned out to be about 900 degrees with 184% humidity. Slight misjudgment. That's not the point though. Anyway, one floor down and this kinda freaky looking dude gets on the elevator. He's the type of guy who owns, like, 300 pocket protectors and very well might have pocket protectors for his pocket protectors. Like, the kind of guy who, despite being 42, still lives in his parents' basement and holds Dungeons & Dragons tournaments on weekends. That's really not the point either but I'm painting a picture here people.

Dude gets in the elevator and, as soon as it starts moving, grabs the bars - waist-high, lining the walls - and holds on for dear life. And then he starts talking. In a voice you'd expect coming from a 42 year old pocket protector-wearing D&D-playing oddball who still lives in his parents' basement.

Him: We don't like elevators.
Me: You don't say. I hadn't noticed.
Him: They remind us of Scarsdale. They remind all of us of Scarsdale.
Me: Scarsdale? As in Scarsdale, New York?
Him: Yes. We don't talk about Scarsdale.
Me: Kinda like The Fight Club?

With a blank stare, the doors parted and he was gone. And it was then that I noticed, all the time he'd been clutching the railing, wary of whatever had happened one fateful day in Scarsdale and referring to himself in the first person plural, he was carrying a clear plastic bag containing a sausage. One lone sausage.

Some days, the mysteries of the universe deepen and the blog posts write themselves.

Posted by Chris at June 27, 2007 7:36 AM

*blinks* Ya know, these people seem to gravitate towards you. What does that say about you? =)~ And damnit, now I want to know about Scarsdale!

Posted by: Lauren at June 27, 2007 7:59 AM

"We"? Did he have a mouse in his pocket? Maybe that's who the sausage was for.

You are a freak magnet - I am a magnet for people who cannot stop talking and tell you their life story - unedited.

Posted by: Debbie at June 27, 2007 8:00 AM

Awww. It's kind of like Gollum meets Rainman. I am curious about Scarsdale, though.

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 27, 2007 8:39 AM

Wow. I wonder what happened in Scarsdale?

I seem to attract the little old ladies in restaurant bathrooms who corner you and want to chat about that thing they saw on Dr. Phil the other day. Twice this has happened recently. I don't understand....

Posted by: suze at June 27, 2007 8:44 AM

You have my sympathies. I seem to attract the crazies on the subway. You problem is much worse since I can move to another car.

Posted by: Maria at June 27, 2007 8:53 AM

Hmm. Kinda makes me miss spending 6 hours a day at the EPA...

...Oh, wait, no it doesn't.

Posted by: Leah at June 27, 2007 9:04 AM

[blank stare]

Only you Chris, only you. You've got this special quality about you that just screams 'come be a freak near me'.
Can't wait for the next dude to turn to you and say: "Hold Me." and, because you're definitely a little concerned that you're stuck in a steel box with no escape; You hold him.

You should create a new blog "Rude's Elevator Adventures." I'd read that for sure!

Posted by: sam at June 27, 2007 9:11 AM

The first rule of Scarsdale is, you do not talk about Scarsdale. The second rule of Scarsdale is, you DO NOT talk about Scarsdale!

Just sayin', 's all.

Posted by: buzz at June 27, 2007 9:15 AM

You ride with some of the silliest people in elevators...

Posted by: Emily at June 27, 2007 9:15 AM

That is just awesome. Don't you love finding people who are so weird that it's shocking? I seem to attract them as well.

Posted by: Jessie at June 27, 2007 9:33 AM

"it puts the sausage in the baggie"

Posted by: SciFi Dad at June 27, 2007 9:41 AM

"it puts the sausage in the baggie"

Posted by: SciFi Dad at June 27, 2007 9:41 AM

Very weird, but then, my day has been pretty strange too. And it is like 900 degrees here already and we have probably 200% humidity! Got ya beat! LOL

Posted by: Maribeth at June 27, 2007 10:16 AM

i love it! haha!! oh and when i was in college, my first semester I got a roommate so weird it would give sausage boy a run for his money. she seemed ok at first ,a little weird but ok..... and then one day i was coming back to the dorm, i opened the door and there she was with her boyfriend and some other people all dressed in dungeons & dragons costumes with the board game out and they were acting it all out. i moved out that week. there were other weird things but the D&D thing was the deal-breaker. BTW, i moved my blog....its www.madmomny.wordpress.com :)

Posted by: madmom at June 27, 2007 10:24 AM

I so desperately want to believe that he was just putting on an act to freak you out. Because that. Would've been awesome. The sausage as a prop. The 'Scarsdale' reference. Maybe freaking out elevator patrons is his way of breaking the day's tedium. He probably goes back to work refreshed.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at June 27, 2007 10:41 AM

Maybe the sausage was the second party in his "we" reference. Like "Tony the little boy who lives in my mouth", only this is "Joe, the little sausage that lives in my baggie." I don't know. I got nothin'.

Posted by: donna at June 27, 2007 10:46 AM

My theory? What's left of the other Scarsdale Club members ended up inside some sausage casing.

Posted by: chepooka at June 27, 2007 10:47 AM

Oooh, it's like the crazy street people that always talk to me. I'm really working on my unapproachable-don't-talk-to-me face. You should try it. ;)

Posted by: Traci at June 27, 2007 10:48 AM


Posted by: Sue R at June 27, 2007 10:50 AM

I love how he is third person plural.

I have got to remember to start talking like that.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at June 27, 2007 11:04 AM

From one Freak Magnet to another, I hear ya! It is endlessly entertaining and at the same time, endlessly frightening! Our elevator at work got stuck the other day with someone in it, and all I can say is that I know the person who was trapped and I am thanking the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I wasn't in there with him. 0_0

Posted by: Trix at June 27, 2007 12:22 PM

"freaking out elevator patrons is his way of breaking the day's tedium" haha!

Or maybe your client's building also has a few psychiatrist offices?

And maybe people who "appear" friendly tend to draw out the crazies. Which may make you wonder about some of your regular readers :)

Posted by: sunchaser at June 27, 2007 12:22 PM

I love sausage!

Posted by: Jeff A at June 27, 2007 1:03 PM

The doors had a blank stare, you say? Well that ought to butter your jeezus.

Posted by: bhd at June 27, 2007 1:30 PM

Hahaha! You are a freak magnet!! And what's with the "we"?

Again you remind me to post our elevator story.

Posted by: Nadine at June 27, 2007 2:08 PM

Pretty soon, you might just decide to need to take the stairs.

Also, and I have no idea why, but I am very curious -- was the sausage cooked? Like, he was about to eat it on his lunch break? Or was he just carrying around an uncooked sausage?

Posted by: Stephanie at June 27, 2007 2:28 PM

You do have a way with people, doncha?

Posted by: sue at June 27, 2007 2:38 PM

that's awesome. and i appreciate how you seem to handle it all nonchalantly. i would have probably have been rude and ignored them.

also, for the record it's 900 degrees and 184% humidity here too.

Posted by: hannita at June 27, 2007 2:45 PM

I was going to go with the Gollum comparisons myself, but the more I think about it, the more I like your response.

Rule #1 about Scarsdale is "don't talk about Scarsdale".

I think it's their town motto.

Posted by: Phil at June 27, 2007 2:51 PM

First person plural. Doesn't Gollum do that?

Maybe the sausage was his Precious.

Posted by: Librarian Girl at June 27, 2007 3:18 PM

I'm not sure I want to know what tragedies befell that poor bastard.

Posted by: Holmes at June 27, 2007 3:23 PM

Now, when you say he was carrying a sausage, are we talking about a breakfast link or a like a full sized hunk of kielbasa? Cuz that makes all the difference. You can never talk about Scarsdale during breakfast. It just isn't done.

Posted by: J at June 27, 2007 4:38 PM

... weird.

i wonder if he reads your site, recognized you, and was just trying to freak you out so you would write about him on your blog.

Posted by: Denise at June 27, 2007 5:24 PM

The one lone sausage was an interesting lunch choice.

Posted by: angela at June 27, 2007 8:11 PM

What happens in Scarsdale...I guess.

Some people might think you make this stuff up, but I believe every word of it because I've been around some of the same freaks. I was once on a bus to Manhattan sitting next to a guy holding a shoe box in his lap. Every once in a while, he'd open the box and peek inside. Near the end of the ride, he asked if I wanted to know what was in the box and I said I did. Inside was one single pickle. He asked if I wanted to hold it and I said no thanks.

Posted by: Darren at June 27, 2007 8:12 PM

I feel a book coming on, don't you? You could title it simply "Freak Magnet", and relate all the weird elevator encounters. It could pay your new mortgage AND Mia's college education!

Posted by: coolchick at June 27, 2007 9:17 PM

Dude, you've got to start taking the stairs.

Posted by: hazelhazel at June 27, 2007 11:20 PM

Seriously, this is insane. Your life is a piece of fiction that people wouldn't read, because they think it unbelievable.

Nothing weird happened to me yesterday, or this week, or last. You must have some crazy magnetism.

Posted by: Brad at June 28, 2007 9:35 AM

A friend used to have a coworker who was *exactly* like that. He also had a stapler remover for a pet. My friend had to ask the stapler remover for the keys to the cabinet. NO LIE.

I wonder if he moved to the East Coast.

Posted by: aimee/greeblemonkey at June 28, 2007 10:09 PM

My coworkers and I have come to a decision ~ You, my friend, need to take the stairs.

Posted by: Secha at June 29, 2007 9:53 AM

If this really happened...then dude, this world is a scary, scary place.

(But not as scary as Scarsdale, apparently.)

Posted by: Isabel at June 29, 2007 5:24 PM

I burst out laughing. Thanks for that! And you're right. Shit like that writes itself, doesn't it? All you have to do is take the credit.


Posted by: samantha Jo Campen at June 29, 2007 11:52 PM

You sure that wasn't Gollum?

Posted by: Dee at July 1, 2007 10:20 AM