June 12, 2007

Tuesday Morning Hypothetical

Here's a Tuesday Morning Hypothetical because it's early and I sat in a pretty decent amount of traffic this morning and, frankly, this is all I could come up with.

Let's say you're single with an insanely irrational fear of Stevie Nicks. Yes, you're afraid of the former Fleetwood Mac frontwoman because, honestly, who isn't? One day you meet someone absolutely perfect. They're nice, kind and hot. But, following a few dates, you get them home and, after a bit of Journey-like lovin' touchin' and squeezin', you realize they've got a giant tattoo of Stevie Nicks on their chest. What do you do? What do you do if the one you love reminds you of the thing that scares you the most?

(The reason I ask, is because I saw a decidedly unattractive woman sporting a tattoo of a tarantula on her elbow. I hate spiders. I hoped her soul-mate didn't share my fear.)

Posted by Chris at June 12, 2007 7:44 AM

I would have to lick Stevie Nicks

Posted by: William at June 12, 2007 7:57 AM

Cover it with duct tape.

Posted by: Maria at June 12, 2007 8:00 AM

Run, Forrest, run!

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 12, 2007 9:03 AM

I'd run away really fast. What kind of person would tattoo Stevie Nicks on their chest? A serial killer. That is who.

Now if it were a tarantula you could just talk her into laser surgery to have it removed. If she did that for you it means it is forever.

Wait - Beth doesn't have a Stevie Nicks tattoo, does she?

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at June 12, 2007 9:04 AM

I'd say to her, very calmly, "You're dead to me", then walk out of her life forever.

I can deal with just about any tattoo(s), excepting the full-body reenactment of The Lord of the Rings trilogy that some intellectual dynamos think is a good idea. But I draw the line at likenesses of rock stars and/or our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, on the cross or otherwise.

Now, if it was a tattoo of Stevie Nicks getting banged by a unicorn (http://www.utterwonder.com/archives/2007/04/happy_59th_birt.php), I'd marry her on the spot.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at June 12, 2007 9:15 AM

It's Stevie Nicks' hair, isn't it? Her very "bouffy" hair frightens you, given that she's about five foot nothing unless she's wearing her Herman Munster platform boots and her hair is like a haystack on crack? I understand.

Posted by: wordgirl at June 12, 2007 9:16 AM

Stand back! stand back! Here you go again, you say you want your freedom, but maybe you're just thinking that the rooms are all on fire? Sometimes it's a bitch, but if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills, know you're the poet in my heart... never change, never stop. If not for me then, do it for the world...

Posted by: martin at June 12, 2007 9:21 AM

I'm thinking the tarantula on the elbow was to distract you from the 'unattractive' part.

Posted by: angela marie at June 12, 2007 9:26 AM

not that this has anything to do with that... but i really don't like ladybugs, yet have one tattoo'd on my wrist. i'm getting better with them (still have an irrational fear of butterflies though).

re: your situation - if you squint real hard Stevie Nicks sort of takes on a 80's David Lee Roth look - then again, that's not much better.

Posted by: monique at June 12, 2007 9:46 AM

Well, I'd have to say Good Day, Sir! because the only other option would be having sex every time with his shirt on and that's just no fun.

Posted by: donna at June 12, 2007 9:48 AM

oh WOW! what a topic! let's just say... my ex said he would never date a woman with tattoo's (I have 5 - hence the ex part)... and when I greeted him at the door wearing slacks and a conservative shirt... i said you could meet anyone dressed like this... and do you see any tattoos? and when asked basically the same question.. "the relationship is getting hot, you start undressing her slowly...only to find... a big spider tattooed to her butt...what do you do?" missionary! (forever? yuck!)i'm thinkin the fear of Ms. Nicks is the fact that she is indeed a witch and there has to have been some kind of curse spoken to encourage someone to tattoo a likeness of her on their chest...

Posted by: the unicorn at June 12, 2007 10:03 AM

OK first, Martin seems to have his Stevie lyrics down perfectly. I commend you. There was a time in my life when I could perfectly dance the Stand Back video dance. Then I had children.

That said, my husband is a die-hard Stevie fan, going so far as to blow out his ACL in a brawl at the last concert at the then Continental Arena in Secaucus, NJ. Though we did not start the fight, we were escorted from our seats to the security department, where our pictures were taken and we were told we were never to return to the stadium.

Highlight of his evening? Getting taken close enough to touch a zamboni while being wheeled to the medical office to attend to his knee.

Posted by: Candy at June 12, 2007 10:12 AM

wouldn't happen. it's not a realistic hypothetical. i wouldn't have been attracted to anyone who loved stevie nicks that much in the first place. not because he/she loved stevie nicks, per se, but because anyone who could love stevie nicks would be so fundamentally different from me that there's no way we'd be "perfect" for each other.

Posted by: jen at June 12, 2007 10:29 AM

By the time you've gotten their shirt off, you're likely in quite a lather, so I'd commence doggie-style, then after having fun pronounce, "I'm just not ready for a relationship of this emotional magnitude" then throw on clothes & run. However, I'm shallwo that way ;)

Posted by: Hellga at June 12, 2007 11:53 AM

Yikes. The things you think of...

Posted by: sue at June 12, 2007 12:14 PM

Do her from behind.

Posted by: Brad at June 12, 2007 1:30 PM

I'm not a tatoo expert, but wouldn't getting a tattoo on your elbow be extremely painful? (not enough soft tissue between needle and bone?)

I think I'd have to learn to live with it if the person was fantastic in every other way.. or somehow convince them to have it removed if it was really offensive/frightening.

Posted by: sunchaser at June 12, 2007 1:46 PM

a person boasting a stevie nicks tat across her tats should be put down.

Posted by: ali at June 12, 2007 1:49 PM

Definitely random.

I like how your brain works....

Posted by: carrster at June 12, 2007 2:18 PM

Back away very slowly and run like hell?

I've never met anyone with a Stevie Nicks tat though. Maybe in reality, I'd take a picture and show the internet. And then run like hell.

Now a tarantula tatoo would scare me more than Stevie Nicks. A tatoo on the elbow sounds extremly painful. Not that their not painful anywhere, but ouch.

Posted by: Phoenix at June 12, 2007 2:56 PM

I also hate Stevie Nicks. I'm not exactly sure why but she makes me uncomfortable in a bad way.
I'm of the mindset that there isn't 'one perfect person' for each of us, so I would move on to the next. Why start a relationship off on such a bad foot, or chest in this case.

Posted by: Amaya at June 12, 2007 3:44 PM

On a completely unrelated subject: How is George doing?

Posted by: Amaya at June 12, 2007 3:54 PM

I'm getting too old for compromise; it would have to be over.

Posted by: chantel at June 12, 2007 4:26 PM

I so hate Stevie Nicks it would be grounds to end, forfeit and run from this relationship. She is a freaky witch in black lace.

Posted by: Debbie at June 12, 2007 4:49 PM

ok, so i have to ask: is it really stevie nicks or an old tattoo of one of Nelson? (I vote Gunnar.)

Posted by: alektra at June 12, 2007 6:05 PM

tarantula/ stevie nicks... i see the connection.

Posted by: jacquie at June 12, 2007 6:43 PM

Maybe the tarantula IS her soulmate. Or it is an exact likeness of her soulmate's pet tarantula. You must be open to this possibility-- perhaps she did it for love. Fugly, fugly, love.

TMI--Stevie Nicks and I have the same birthday.

Posted by: Sphincter at June 12, 2007 9:10 PM

That's a clear sign the relationship isn't going to work. Case closed. Move on. Think of all the time it saves you.

Posted by: HollowSquirrel at June 12, 2007 9:52 PM

What if I had an irrational fear of Journey? There goes my lovin' touchin' and squeezin'.

I'm not a fan of people tattoos. Though I'm fine with Stevie Nicks on the stereo, staring at Stevie staring at me might just be a deal breaker.

Posted by: Melissa at June 12, 2007 10:48 PM

HATE Stevie Nicks!

LOVE Chris (not in a way that Beth will hurt me - love her too)

This random stuff is what keeps me coming back.

Make her cover it with Dermablend? Yeah, that takes all the spontiniety right out of sex. I agree with those that said doggie. Of course, I always vote doggie.

The tat on the elbow? YEOW! The tarantula isn't the scary part of that. Tat. On. The. Elbow. THAT would make me run and hide. Damn.

Posted by: Anna at June 12, 2007 11:26 PM

I would give Tim some stay-on-forever-paint and let him paint over the tattoo.

But seriously, if it's really something you hate (or fear), I think it would be pretty hard to ignore.

Posted by: Nadine at June 14, 2007 2:15 AM