June 20, 2007

If Reality Was Like Deadwood

Two notable things happened yesterday morning - I got stuck in an elevator and I met a kindly old dude who turned out to be old yet not all that kindly. Here's how the two stories came together.

I had to head to D.C. yesterday. You know the drill by now - I was stuck in client meetings all day. Although, I honestly didn't have that many meetings. It was all about the face-time (and other consultant-speak - value-add, robust delivery, synchronicity...shit like that). So, I parked in my usual space in the usual garage and got into the usual elevator to whisk me from the underground parking spaces to actual daylight where humans roam the earth. It was just before stepping into the elevator that my path crossed that of an older gentleman. He was dressed like your favorite old English professor, as long as your favorite old English professor wore a tweed jacket with the leather elbow patches, had little glasses and looked as if he was someone's favorite grandfather. Seeing this guy, you just knew a group of toddlers ran to him yelling Gramps! on a fairly regular basis.

Gramps got into the elevator. We settled into our two-floor ride. Then the elevator stopped.

Gramps: Oh Jesus H. Fucking Christ! Don't tell me I'm going to get goddamn stuck in this motherfucking elevator.
Me: *speechless*
Gramps: I can't fucking believe this shit!
Me: Uh, I can't believe it either?
Gramps: Fucking elevator! FUCKING ELEVATOR! What the fuck did I ever do to piss you off, you goddamn elevator?
Me: *speechless...again*
Gramps: Wouldn't you fucking know it. Trapped in a goddamn, fucking hot elevator in the middle of the summer!
Me: Um, yeah, this sure sucks...
Gramps: Fucking right it fucking sucks. Someone better come fucking right here right fucking now and fix this motherfucker before I start getting fucking pissed off.
Me: Yeah, we'll want to head that off. I wouldn't want you to get angry or anything.
Gramps: Damn straight, whitey.
Me: Just for the record - and not to piss you off - but you're white too.
Gramps: Don't fuck with me boy.
Me: Really not my intent. Just trying to be clear on--
Gramps: Oh. Fucking doors are open! A-fucking-men. Have a nice day!
Me: Uh, sure. You too (you fucking freak).

I'm almost afraid to see what I'm in store for today.

Posted by Chris at June 20, 2007 6:30 AM

"Have a nice day" was the crowning touch.

Posted by: ann adams at June 20, 2007 6:47 AM

That was better then a cup of coffee to get you going in the morning!

Posted by: Debbie at June 20, 2007 7:21 AM

That's a hoot.

Posted by: William at June 20, 2007 7:54 AM

Perhaps he was just giving you something to blog about?

Posted by: Alissa at June 20, 2007 7:55 AM

Uhhh whitey? I would have kept to my corner of the elevator ready to do a Bruce Willis does Diehard move. =)

Posted by: Lauren at June 20, 2007 8:09 AM


Posted by: Steff at June 20, 2007 8:22 AM

I think he might have had the fucking Tourette's with maybe a smidge of the fucking Alzheimer's.

Or maybe he was just fucking crazy.

Posted by: Contrary at June 20, 2007 9:10 AM

Normally, he's probably the ideal version of the grandfather you imagined. However, even grandfathers need to blow off steam, so when the doors close, the internal monologue converts to speaker phone.

I'll bet even Captain Kangaroo used to take that Moose puppet and the puppeteer into a broom closet after the show and beat them like red-headed step-children.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at June 20, 2007 9:15 AM

Did he really call you whitey? That's too funny.
Grandpa with Tourette's!

Posted by: Traci at June 20, 2007 9:20 AM

It's almost 6:30 a.m. my time. And that right there wakes me the fuck up. LOL. ;-D

And you, speechless? That's REALLY scary.

Posted by: oakley at June 20, 2007 9:29 AM

Maybe he's been watching a lot of Samuel L. Jackson movies. I haven't seen "Snakes on a Plane" yet, but from the snippets I've seen, that's what this entry reminded me of. Were you asking yourself after: "What's with all the motherfucking grandpa's on the motherfucking elevator?"

Posted by: Jenn at June 20, 2007 9:43 AM

That is hilarious...

Hopefully, if he is a gramps, he's a little more reserved around the kiddos..

Maybe he recently overcame a fear of elevators??

and have a nice day.

Posted by: Molly at June 20, 2007 9:47 AM

Never underestimate the elderly...that's what I've learned. I once had my car keyed by a mall going elderly woman.

Posted by: Kim at June 20, 2007 10:02 AM

I hope when I am old and grandmotherly that I am frequently shocking young whippersnappers with my use of the term motherfucker. Although, I don't really use it now...

Posted by: bad penguin at June 20, 2007 10:03 AM

Hee! Have a nice day, whitey!

Posted by: Fraulein N at June 20, 2007 10:16 AM

haha! classic! thats great!! i know a woman who attends church regularly, has the priests and stuff over for dinner, is super active in the church....a real God fearing woman. i saw her get into a heated argument with someone a while back. She has the FOULEST mouth I have ever heard! It was so funny to hear her drop the *F* bomb like 10 times in a sentence. I couldnt help but laugh out loud cause I never would have expected it. i love shit like that!

Posted by: madmom at June 20, 2007 10:23 AM

I guess I grew up around my grandparents' friends as a small child. This meant sneaking out of bed when they had parties, and some of my favorite old people would be singing dirty songs.

Ben Franklin smoked weed, guys. The elderly aren't shocked by our actions, they're just trying to make sure we don't out-do them. ;)

Posted by: alektra at June 20, 2007 10:26 AM

Eye-opening, that's for fucking sure. ;)

Posted by: sue at June 20, 2007 10:52 AM

*seriously rolling* I imagine it takes alot to leave the cactus speechless but boy howdy, that did it huh? And I would totally love it if he really were an english professor could you just see it? "Ok Fuckers, fucking today we're going to fucking learn about fucking shakespeare" *loses mind*

Posted by: Kris at June 20, 2007 11:24 AM

Hilarious. How long was the elevator stopped for anyway? Sounds like it was just a mere moment?

He does sound like he had Tourette's. Or maybe he's just one of those older folks who figures that they've lived through so much, that they should be able to do/say whatever they want?

Posted by: sunchaser at June 20, 2007 11:26 AM

oh my goodness. that's fabulous!

Posted by: hannita at June 20, 2007 12:22 PM

LOL! Don't fuck with gramps!! I bet he drives a Cadillac with a bumper sticker that says Bad Motherfucker. That is fucking hilarious!

Posted by: Trix at June 20, 2007 12:31 PM

I think there is a distinct possibility that you were trapped in the elevator with Samuel Jackson- disguised as an old white man. Nothing else makes sense.

Posted by: alfredsmom at June 20, 2007 12:39 PM

That's where Gramps went!

We call him that because it rhymes with "cramps".

Posted by: Elaine at June 20, 2007 1:25 PM

You should have asked him if turrets ran in his family or he was just a fucking lucky bastige.

hope things look up!

Posted by: melanie at June 20, 2007 1:50 PM

So probably not actually funny if he had Tourette's and/or Alzheimer's, but WOW. That is a very angry man, with a very limited vocabulary :P

Posted by: Heather at June 20, 2007 2:13 PM

That cracked me. Laughing out loud is the fastest way to expose your blog reading habit in the workplace. FUCK.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at June 20, 2007 2:39 PM

Damn straight, whitey.

WTF??!?? That? Had my stitched-up abdomen hurting profusely. How does one not laugh at that shit? And you, speechless TWICE?!? That's effin' classic.

Did he really call you "whitey"??? ROTFLMAO

Posted by: ironic1 at June 20, 2007 2:44 PM

Too f'ing funny.

Getting stuck in an elevator is my worst fear. I ride them all day up to my floor which is way to high to mention, but it still scares me.

Posted by: Phoenix at June 20, 2007 3:14 PM

OMG! I would have been so scared! But your story reminds me, I have to share our D.C. elevator experience too.

Posted by: Nadine at June 20, 2007 3:16 PM

Yesterday was less than stellar for me, and I was afraid today wouldn't be much better (though over coffee, Beth pretty much made my day, so I figured I was safe). But now, we're at the mid-afternoon lull, and having read your post, I am trying to stifle my (somewhat uproarious) laughter so my co-workers won't think I'm insane.


Posted by: Emily at June 20, 2007 3:41 PM

What the fuck, whitey??? :)

Posted by: Sue R at June 20, 2007 4:07 PM

Yea and Dick Cheney is a grandpa too! Don't be fooled by those genteel facades.

My docile little grandmother once used the P word when describing what the bull in the barn lot was looking for when my grandfather had just unloaded a trailer full of heffers. I never heard her say it again, but I knew she was certainly capable!

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at June 20, 2007 4:23 PM

Sounds more like Grumpy Old Men! ;) I LOVE HIM!

Posted by: Haley-O at June 20, 2007 6:09 PM

Holy crap!!!

Posted by: coolchick at June 20, 2007 7:34 PM

Holy crap.

Posted by: hazelhazel at June 20, 2007 8:19 PM

Holy fucking crap.

Posted by: Janet at June 20, 2007 8:57 PM

Ohhhh my! That sounds...err...umm...interesting, lol. And scary, LOL!

Posted by: Tammy at June 20, 2007 9:28 PM

good fucking thing he doesn't fucking fart or piss himself when he gets fucking angry.

Posted by: krystyn at June 20, 2007 10:14 PM

Hahaha. Your story just reminded me of a similar encounter I had a few years back: http://tinyurl.com/25vaj7

Posted by: Pocklock at June 20, 2007 11:30 PM

Wait a minute, did you happen to step into this commercial this morning?


Posted by: angela at June 21, 2007 12:22 AM

Wait a minute, did you happen to step into this commercial this morning?


Posted by: angela at June 21, 2007 12:22 AM

Damn, why didn't you record it for us all to see, Whitey?!? ;P

Posted by: Nanette at June 21, 2007 3:11 AM

That was the funniest damn thing I ever read. Tears of laughter are flowing down my face.

How you didn't bust out laughing beyond me - although the state of shock of his behavior may have had something to do with it.


Posted by: Darla at June 21, 2007 11:53 AM

Holy crap! You got stuck in the elevator with Al Swearengen? How awesome is that shit?!

Posted by: Holmes at June 21, 2007 1:44 PM