August 27, 2007

Graceful I Am Not

Unsurprisingly, I spent 95% of the weekend engaged in some sort of home-related activity. In order to keep it interesting, to move away from the mundane, I inadvertently played a little game I'm calling Jackass: The Home-Owning Dad Edition.

It started when Mia requested that, like her, I try a forward roll off of her training potty. (Just typing that out now, I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking. I don't care how athletic or kinky you happen to be - nothing that involves gymnastics and a toilet can work out well. At that point, however, I had the benefit of neither hindsight nor common sense.) I did a forward roll off the toilet. The result was loud and ugly. And painful.

Later in the day, my father-in-law brought over a lawnmower for me to check out. This is the same saint who came over and actually mowed for us the weekend we moved in. So, I tried the lawnmower. And, uh, I promise I'm not gloating or anything but our yard is fucking huge, and it was hot and our grass was thick. It wasn't an easy job. Luckily, I had something to keep my mind off the actual mowing pretty early into the process. Whilst mowing, I realized that the mower was riding too close to the ground (the stalling was the big clue for me, Captain Obvious). Adjusting the height of a lawnmower isn't rocket science. First and foremost, you keep your appendages way the hell away from the hot-ass engine. Again with that hindsight thing. I have a three or four inch burn running length-wise down my forearm. Um, I got a little too close.

Then I dropped a toilet seat on my toe. I don't even want to talk about that.

Other than that, the weekend was great. We got a lot of stuff done and I am sufficiently exhausted. But I've learned that I either need to hire someone to do some work around the house or find myself a stunt double. Or maybe both.

And you guys? Highlights? Lowlights? Just plan meh-lights?

Posted by Chris at August 27, 2007 6:15 AM

"Then I dropped a toilet seat on my toe. I don't even want to talk about that." AHAHAHAA You don't have to talk about it, you have already said enough. =)

I got to work the overnight shift at work on Saturday night, come home sleep for four hours and then go back again at one to work a nine hour shift. Weekend? What weekend? Feh. =)

Posted by: Lauren at August 27, 2007 7:09 AM

Fortunately no DIY whatsoever for me. Or indeed, cleaning. I went out for a run with my 7 year old son instead which culminated in him shouting at me as we ran up the hill at the end of our route "Come on Mummy! ATTACK that hill!" I have given birth to my own personal drill sergeant. It won't be long I suspect before he is shouting "Come on Mummy! Get up! Why are you lying in that gutter Mummy?!"

Posted by: LyndaL at August 27, 2007 7:47 AM

Heh. I realized my first mower was set too low when I ran it over a patch of grass and left a trail of chopped up dirt behind it. Needless to say, the wife was not impressed with my mad mowing skillz that day.

Home improvement activities are always fun. I have plans to install a ceiling fan in the kitchen on a sloped ceiling where there is currently no fan box. I expect hilarity (for someone else) to ensue when I commence on this project this upcoming weekend.

Posted by: Ross at August 27, 2007 8:13 AM

I have been sick since Thursday. I actually feel worse today than I did last week. Highlights: My husband surprised me on Friday with a Canon 5D.

Posted by: Maria at August 27, 2007 8:13 AM

I burned my arm like that once, doing the exact same thing. Sorry to tell you, but I still have a scar and it's been years! I feel your pain--that HURTS.

I got birthday presents this weekend. I also did 7 loads of laundry and cleaned the bathroom. And I suspect I still had a better time than you :-)

Posted by: Alissa at August 27, 2007 8:15 AM

Holy crap dude, you might want to consider full on body armor for the long weekend coming up!

Posted by: Jeff A at August 27, 2007 8:17 AM

Our dishwasher decided it was time to go to dishwasher heaven so we had to buy another one and install it. An easy job...until my husband decided (without trying it because really you can just "eyeball" these things) and cut something off the end of the drain hose. Then the drain hose wouldn't fit.

He wasn't happy about the trip back to the store, but we do at least have a working dishwasher again.

I, of course, was very helpful during this time as I'm sure you can imagine.

Posted by: daisy at August 27, 2007 8:55 AM

Let's see, Friday night I packed and moved boyfriend's junk - I mean stuff - to my house. Saturday I packed and moved boyfriend's junk - I mean stuff - to my house. Then we said screw it and took the boat out for the afternoon. Sunday I packed and moved boyfriend's junk - I mean stuff - to my house. Also went grocery shopping. Then said screw it and went to the state fair. Today? I am exhausted.

Posted by: Traci at August 27, 2007 9:02 AM

lets see... I got thrown a b'day party-SURPRIsE- even though it was a month ago... (and I am not found of b'day suprises) So I spent Saturday feeling totally awkward about receiving gifts a MONTH after my b'day (which I was happy had passed with no fan fare)....
OH and I picked about 80 crabs leftover from the party... so typing is painful today.

Posted by: Stephanie at August 27, 2007 9:18 AM

So... did you forward roll off the training potty or the adult potty? Just trying to make sure I have a clear picture.

And here's the excitement that was our weekend...

Posted by: Colleen at August 27, 2007 9:27 AM

Dog walks in the park, swimming dogs and our first ever home grown corn on the cob. Wish I could say it was fab but I thought it was tough! Although Hubby swears it wasn't.
Also found out that little puppy girl Anneliese needs dental work. And yes, they do indeed have Canine Dentists! Who'd a thought?

Posted by: Maribeth at August 27, 2007 9:34 AM

As long as you do the lawnmowing whilst wearing shoes and not flip-flops (like some geniuses I've seen lately), you'll be fine. I don't understand why someone would put their nearly bare feet near a fast, sharp, rotating blade.

This weekend I was sick, but I still went to three parties and worked most of the day yesterday. To say I'm exhausted would be a bit of an understatement. Sounds like your weekend was just as relaxing.

Posted by: Jessie at August 27, 2007 9:49 AM

I spent the weekend school shopping with my girls. Now that's torture, especially since everybody else had the same idea. And Sunday I actually took them to the mall. And, in case you haven't noticed or haven't been in a mall lately, the mall is for teenagers, not adults. But I still have to provide oversight (and money) for my 15 year old's wardrobe choices, and she's still willing to have me go along (see previous mention of money). Lucikly, she makes good choices and she makes them fairly quickly so we were in and out of the mall in an hour (still too long for an adult).

Posted by: Carolyn at August 27, 2007 9:59 AM

Not to brad, but my weekend was awesome. Mostly I hung out with John and Seamus and cooked stuff.

We are talking about moving to a single family house, probably next summer, and the one thing John keeps saying as we scope out neighborhoods is "remember, I have to cut all that grass."

I hope your toe is ok. Were you giving the toilet gymnastics a second try? Perhaps going for the triple twisting dismount?

Posted by: bad penguin at August 27, 2007 10:11 AM

Ooh - sorry about your painful homeowners experiences this weekend. Doh. Toilet on the toe, eh? Ouch!

Me? Birthday weekend! Whohoo! I celebrated by relaxing, canoeing, eating good Asian food and opening presents & eating cake.

Sunday my husband & I decided we had enough of the crap in our neighbors lawn (seriously - who leaves a rotting mattress in their yard for....ANY length of time? BLECH) and we bought fence panels and put up a fence. Our backyard ROCKS now. We should've done that years ago. My hands are very sore from that & canoeing. But other than that it was a good weekend!

Posted by: carrster at August 27, 2007 10:14 AM

My weekend was so eventful that I can't rememeber what I did - or is that old age setting in?

Posted by: Just Janice at August 27, 2007 10:14 AM

"Then I dropped a toilet seat on my toe. I don't even want to talk about that."

After the first paragraph about the forward roll off the potty, I immediately envisioned you standing on the edge of the toilet bowl (seat up) getting ready to try a back flip, using the toilet bowl rim as a springboard. Then, right as you are about to go, the seat drops on your toes. That's what happened, right? Why stop with the forward roll when you could do a back tuck too?

Posted by: Arwen at August 27, 2007 10:19 AM

You win. All I did was get a new wireless router for my home network and get it working. Finally. No people or animals were harmed in the process. Probably a first for me. (Can you say, klutz?... oh, sorry, look who I'm asking...*snicker*)

Posted by: sue at August 27, 2007 11:17 AM

Chris got his jeep stuck in the deep and horrid mud, which resulted in a one hour hike home out of the bush. With Chris, covered in mud.
The next day we hiked back in, shovel in hand. Still stuck.
Someone with some sort of 4 wheel drive vehicle is going back there to pull him out tonight.
Assuming of course the sun hasn't baked the mud/clay into a nice a YJ shaped urn by then.

PLEASE tell me Beth took pictures of your sommersault. For the love of all that is plumbed, I need some photo evidence of that shit (ha! a pun!)

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at August 27, 2007 11:55 AM

I suscribe to the philosophy of never doing anything for myself that I can pay someone else to do. This includes house cleaning, yard work and home repairs & improvements.

(Pick them wisely, tho. We hired some painters to paint our outside trim work, and they re-installed our house numbers IN THE WRONG ORDER. Now when I order a pizza, I have to give the guy the street name and tell him that I'll send my kid out to wave him down b/c I don't know my own house number. Of course, I know my CORRECT number. I just don't know the number that's on my house.)

Posted by: kalisah at August 27, 2007 12:33 PM

Well, I saw Wicked Saturday night, which was 1,345 kinds of awesome and definitely a highlight. No dropped toilet seats to report, alas.

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 27, 2007 1:11 PM

WOW. I'm about to send icepacks and Tylenol your way.

The only thing I'm disappointed about is that you posted too early to report on the biggest piece of news today - Alberto Gonzales. I want to hear/see you desecrate him. Maybe tomorrow? :)

Posted by: Laura at August 27, 2007 2:52 PM

You are describing exactly the reasons it's taken us so long to start looking for house. Good luck, my friend.

Posted by: Jonathon Morgan at August 27, 2007 3:01 PM

I'm not sure I'm correctly envisioning the forward roll off of the potty. Please elaborate so that I may avoid such maneuvers in the future.

Posted by: GreenCanary at August 27, 2007 3:02 PM

Positive: my 9yr old and 7 yr old started school today.
Negative: I was called for jury duty. Since I dind't get chosen I get to call after 5:00 for the rest of the week to see if they need me. Joy!

I understand about all the stuff to do around the house.....and it never ends. Sorry!

Please elaborate about the toilet just can't leave it at that!

Posted by: kali at August 27, 2007 3:35 PM


I met CC DeVille this weekend. :)

Posted by: laura at August 27, 2007 5:08 PM

Just tried to find the perfect balance between eating and not throwing up.

A hell of a time was had by all!

Posted by: samantha jo campen at August 27, 2007 6:27 PM

I have the stomach flu, so my weekend was spent in the bathroom, bonding with my toilet. I stayed home from work today to rest because between trips to the toilet and a raging fever, I just can't deal but instead, I spent 80 hours running errands. Am exhausted. Need 'nuther weekend.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at August 27, 2007 7:13 PM

I wish I had read this earlier today. It'd have made up for the crappy stuff that was happening. :P

I bought a chest of drawers at IKEA? That's as good as it got!

Posted by: Emily at August 27, 2007 10:13 PM

Good times! I left the lawnmower out for a week right in front of a sprinkler. It wouldn't start, sigh.

Posted by: Nanette at August 28, 2007 3:43 AM

"Nothing that involves gymnastics and a toilet can work out well."

I am going to put this on my tombstone.

Posted by: aimee/greeblemonkey at August 29, 2007 6:31 PM

Oh! And P.S. For our weekend fun, we had Naked Wrestlers on our street and then our kid wiped the floor with us bowling. But other than that... nothing much.

Posted by: aimee/greeblemonkey at August 29, 2007 6:34 PM