August 22, 2007

Why I Might Be A Terrible Person (Reason #461)

The Reason: I'm twelve. Specifically, my mind continually gets dragged straight into the gutter by...children's books. Really. You're running away now, aren't you?

As my wife admitted not long ago, I really can't get past the part in one of the Amelia Bedelia books in which the author wrote, "before she could get the words out, Mr. Rogers put something in her mouth. It was so good, Mrs. Rogers forgot about being angry." And sure, she was talking about pie but, uh, pie! And there was this other time, when Amelia Bedelia helped out a baseball team - the Grizzlies - well, she played with lots of balls. And Biscuit? Biscuit always wants to play with his balls...or his bone.

And as I've written in the past (and Statia discussed recently, there's no way I can make it through the otherwise touching Guess How Much I Love You without cracking up. See, mentally I change the name Big Nutbrown Hare to Big Brown Nut Hair. Then I giggle. It tends to derail the story.

Then there's Pooh. I mean, right there you've got a million jokes. Add the neighborhood Pooh hangs in and you've got some great material. 100 Acre Wood? That's one well-endowed bear. A.A. Milne, you slay me!

I'm expecting a cease and desist order from those Disney people any minute now.

Posted by Chris at August 22, 2007 7:14 AM

Now that was truly worth getting up early for! I'll have something to think about all day now!

Posted by: BID at August 22, 2007 7:41 AM

My daughter calls Pooh "Poop". Nothing we say can convince her otherwise.

Dee: Do you want your pooh bear?
Violet: Yeah mama, I want poop!
Dee: His name is "Pooh".
Violet: No mama, it Poop! Poop bear!

I can't wait to see what hilarity ensues when we start potty training...

Posted by: Ross at August 22, 2007 7:58 AM

I'm sure quite a few of us (myself included) are right there with you on the whole "being 12" thing. You should have seen me when I was watching the cooking channel and Emeril kept talking about how much he likes his nuts to be spicy. I lost it!

Posted by: Jessie at August 22, 2007 8:00 AM

It's not just you. We all do it. Just not everyone admits it :-)

Posted by: Alissa at August 22, 2007 8:01 AM

HAAAAAAAAA you're totally representing the company I work for in a whole new way their... hint: its not Winnie

Posted by: Stephanie at August 22, 2007 8:51 AM

You are actually very brave. How many of us would admit to seeing and thinking such evil things when we are reading a children's book? Not many, although we all know there have been times when we have had the thought!

Posted by: Maribeth at August 22, 2007 8:53 AM

You just wait and see how difficult it is to try not to laugh when your kid starts to read.....and the book she loves to read the most is "Dick and Jane."

Posted by: Jen at August 22, 2007 8:56 AM

You are so not alone on this one! Most of us just would never admit it.

Posted by: Jenn at August 22, 2007 9:21 AM

Why wouldn't Kanga let Roo play with Tigger?

Because he plays with Pooh!

So yeah, twelve.

Posted by: Amy at August 22, 2007 9:37 AM

There is this book...called How The Grinch Meets His Max, that was once a favourite of Noah's
But my sister Feffie and I dragged it through the gutter so much that neither of us could read it anymore, without being reduced to silent tear spilling laughter.
I have since "lost" that particular book, otherwise I would scan it and send it to you. Because it is the FUNNIEST book filled with doggy-grinch-erotic innuendo.

Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at August 22, 2007 9:48 AM

Next stop. Hell. We'll save you a seat.

I find some sort of issue (or dirty insinuation) in every children's book.

Posted by: statia at August 22, 2007 9:56 AM

Excellent! So, so funny. And brave. I love your blog.

Posted by: Wack-a-do at August 22, 2007 9:58 AM

For me, it's The Runaway Bunny. Love the book but then the little bunny tells his mother “If you become the wind and blow me, I will join a circus and fly away on a flying trapeze.” Kills me every time.

Posted by: Laura GF at August 22, 2007 10:07 AM

I could never bring myself to read this Nursery Rhyme out loud. It made me blush just reading it to myself!

Little Pussy
I like little Pussy,
Her coat is so warm,

And if I don't hurt her
She'll do me no harm;

So I'll not pull her tail,
Nor drive her away,

But Pussy and I
Very gently will play.

Posted by: Angie at August 22, 2007 10:38 AM

We read that book about a week ago.

Gabe and I couldn't stop laughing.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at August 22, 2007 11:08 AM

I am SO guilty of this... and I don't even HAVE children...

Posted by: martin at August 22, 2007 11:19 AM

Heh. Big Brown Nut Hair. I'm sitting here giggling.

Posted by: Alison at August 22, 2007 11:25 AM

I agree with the commenter who said we all think it, you are just brave enough to say it.

Posted by: sue at August 22, 2007 11:49 AM

I could barely get through the latest Harry Potter movie because I couldn't stop thinking about how Hagrid came to be... Hagrid was the son of a giantess mother and a normal-sized man. And that? I couldn't figure out the logistics of how that would work. I mean... the size differential. Why didn't J.K. Rowling explain that better? Seriously.

Posted by: GreenCanary at August 22, 2007 12:04 PM

I have problems with Pooh to begin with. Man even that statement sounds bad! See Pooh is, well, pooh. I can't see the name and not think of pooh. I saw someone with a Winnie the Pooh shirt on the other day and told them they had pooh on their shirt!

By the way, Eeyore is the one who needs drugs, man what a depressing character.

Posted by: Jeff A at August 22, 2007 12:31 PM

LOVE the graphic! ;-) And has anyone mentioned that the other problem is Pooh (hehe) is that he doesn't wear any pants??? I've got "classic Pooh" who is naked and you've got "red half shirt Pooh"...think of all the implications there..LOL

Posted by: Michelle at August 22, 2007 1:10 PM

It's posts like these that really remind me why I love your site! :)

Yeah, what's up with Pooh not wearing any pants?!

Posted by: sunchaser at August 22, 2007 1:58 PM

I cannot count how many times I have made a dirty joke about the Brown Nut Hair book... one of my friends in HS gave it to his girlfriend as an anniversary gift; and I nearly wet my pants I laughed so hard. -- You are not alone.

Posted by: smoness at August 22, 2007 2:02 PM

and his favorite game is Pooh Sticks, naturally

Posted by: whit at August 22, 2007 2:31 PM

LOL! We had our son Forrest read his Dick & Jane book to us one night. It was hilarious! We tried not to laugh but it was impossible. He was mad because he thought we were laughing at his reading skills.

Posted by: Mary at August 22, 2007 4:09 PM

This puts a whole new spin on the fact that my mom and dad's wireless network is named 100 Acre Wood...


Posted by: Sparkle Pants at August 22, 2007 4:16 PM

Jesus, if Fussy got in hot water over Miffy drawings, you are going to JAIL, dude.

Posted by: aimee/greeblemonkey at August 22, 2007 4:54 PM

I thought I was the only one with a messed up mind like this. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Posted by: Darren at August 22, 2007 5:54 PM

I thought my husband was the only one who had a problem with Big Nutbrown Hare!

Posted by: Harmony at August 22, 2007 6:51 PM

As you well know, those books can get really BORING, so it's nice to have a creative outlet.

Posted by: angela at August 22, 2007 8:31 PM

Heee!!! Too hilarious! I bet Mia LOVES Amelia Bedilia -- ALMOST as much as you do.... ;)

Posted by: Haley-O at August 22, 2007 9:52 PM

I'm sure you aren't the only one who's gotten those ideas, but thanks for being brave and sharing. :)

Posted by: Zandria at August 22, 2007 10:18 PM

Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

I kill in the under 5 set.

Posted by: That Girl at August 23, 2007 12:38 AM

Ha! I have been the same way my entire life. (I might have the bite marks on the inside of my cheeks to prove it--you know, to stifle the laugh) The worst time for me was discussing shaft torque in college. Good times. :D

Posted by: Nanette at August 23, 2007 4:03 AM

I can never look at Pooh the same again!

Posted by: Nadine at August 24, 2007 6:01 AM

My son has this horrible book about his "pretty kitty" and how she likes to lick her silky fur all day. There is no denying the author meant it to be taken wrong.

And I love it.

Posted by: Isabel at August 24, 2007 6:22 PM