September 19, 2007

Dude Pees Like a Lady

I have, as you clearly understand by now, a sort of strange bathroom magnetism which attracts freaks and terrible bathroom behavior. Lest anyone be mystified by that sentence, I'll clarify now - this is not the type of encounter made popular of late by pervy senators or former lead singers of the popular 80's band Wham. Instead of being the freak, I'm the freakee. As such, I've developed a few rules, the Rude Cactus Rules of Bathroom Etiquette, if you will.

Rule #1 - No talking. Honestly, no one wants to exchange pleasantries when they're draining the lizard or dropping the kids off at the pool. No good can come of that.
Rule #2 - No eating and drinking. Seriously, I can't fathom why someone would want to bring foodstuffs into the bathroom. That ain't right.
Rule #3 - Pants on hips. Dropping trou is an expression, not something that should be taken literally. Think of what's been on that floor.
Rule #4 - Brushing of teeth and other primping activities should be done independent of the normal processes associated with the restroom (i.e., numbers one and two). Multitasking is admirable in the real world. The bathroom is not the real world.
Rule #5 - Receptacles have been designated for each major bathroom function. These are not interchangeable nor should they be completely ignored. Use your imaginations elsewhere. The bathroom is not the place for creativity.

Yesterday, I was, I promise, following each of the aforementioned rules whilst using the restroom (number one, in case you really need me to paint the complete picture). I was finished, zipping up and heading to the restroom, when the stall next to the urinal at which I'd been taking care of business opened up. I collided with its former occupant. I was shocked when I managed to process that said occupant was indeed a six foot tall gentleman wearing a wig and a powder-blue dress.

My reaction? I exclaimed, "of course!"

While I'm sure he/she of the powder blue dress was puzzled by this reaction, really, if you think about it, this was the logical course for my strange bathroom encounters to take. I should have seen it coming, been boy-scout like, prepared. The scary thing? What could possibly be next? Stick around - I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.

Rule #6 - Beware crossdressers wearing powder blue outfits.

Posted by Chris at September 19, 2007 6:45 AM

I have a rule that you may want to add. I have to carry a cell phone for work and someone always calls in the midst of #2 action. I DO NOT answer the phone in the restroom, anymore.

Posted by: Josh at September 19, 2007 7:17 AM

At least if he's wearing a dress you won't confront the "dropping trou" problem...

Posted by: E :) at September 19, 2007 7:20 AM

What on earth IS it about you and weirdos in the bathroom? I think we need to study this phenomenon.

Posted by: donna at September 19, 2007 7:44 AM

You've had one too many freaky bathroom experiences. I'd say the powder blue dress tops them all.

Posted by: Nila at September 19, 2007 8:08 AM

Toe tapping and cops staking out the bathroom...
Next on Rude Cactus. :)

Posted by: Nat at September 19, 2007 8:16 AM

I demand pictures! How can you post about such a thing without pictures?! =]

Posted by: Suzy at September 19, 2007 8:20 AM

OK where exactly is this bathroom you use?? Seriously its like a Twilight Zone episode... are you SURE you're not on Candid Camera or some ridiculous show like that???

Posted by: Stephanie at September 19, 2007 8:26 AM

These rules highlight why I think that the person who designed/created multi-stalled bathrooms is a sick f*ck.

Rule #7: If it is off-hours, please continue to use the restroom designated for your gender.

Posted by: Maria at September 19, 2007 8:28 AM

Ok that tops it. One word: BOOK!

Posted by: Michelle at September 19, 2007 8:51 AM

I love your silly bathroom stories. They're the best!

Posted by: Emily at September 19, 2007 9:28 AM

Of course! Sounds like something I'd say... and would get puzzled looks from everyone who isn't thinking two sentences ahead like I do, when I start talking.

Posted by: Brad at September 19, 2007 9:29 AM

the women's restroom where I work has the each stall completely isolated with a full length door and walls between each stall. There's a woman who sings while in there. I am not sure if singing is the same as talking but I think no singing should be on the list too.

Posted by: Arwen at September 19, 2007 9:31 AM

Where on earth are you using the restroom!?

Yeah, I've never understood why someone would eat or drink, or brush teeth in a public bathroom, much less vioate the other rules here. Gross.

Possible exception to rule number one, is if you actually know the person you are talking to and you were carrying on a specific conversation before you entered, you can finish your point if you both are using the urinal. No talking between stalls unless it's an emergency (like in the first Austin Powers movie.)

You need to do a post on gym locker room etiquette too.

Posted by: Drew at September 19, 2007 9:35 AM

you have the best bathroom encounters of anyone ive known. my best story is when i walked into the ladies room at work a while ago and saw some woman laying completely flat on her back in the floor zipping up her pants. other than rule the bathroom freakness.

Posted by: madmom at September 19, 2007 9:40 AM

you have the best bathroom encounters of anyone ive known. my best story is when i walked into the ladies room at work a while ago and saw some woman laying completely flat on her back on the floor zipping up her pants. other than rule the bathroom freakness.

Posted by: madmom at September 19, 2007 9:40 AM

you have the best bathroom encounters of anyone ive known. my best story is when i walked into the ladies room at work a while ago and saw some woman laying completely flat on her back on the floor zipping up her pants. other than rule the bathroom freakness.

Posted by: madmom at September 19, 2007 9:40 AM

uhhh...not sure why my comment posted a bunch of times. things that make you go hmmm

Posted by: madmom at September 19, 2007 9:44 AM


Posted by: bhd at September 19, 2007 9:47 AM

So that was your boss?

Posted by: shelley at September 19, 2007 9:56 AM

I have to know where this occured.

And powder blue after Labor Day?! Really.

Posted by: MammaLoves at September 19, 2007 10:13 AM

Wow. What else can you say?

#3 is funny. Just one of those things that never even comes to mind for us gals.

#4: Does checking email count as one of those multitasking things that shouldn't be done?

Whitney Blake, The Examiner 2007-07-27

Washington wins the award for "most e-mail addicted" city in the country, according to a new study released Thursday by Dulles-based AOL. Atlanta, New York, San Francisco and Houston rounded out the top five. Of Washingtonians who have a portable e-mail device, 29 percent say they can't live without it.

The study showed that 58 percent check it in the bathroom.

Other locations include church (18 percent), in the car while driving (45 percent) and at the dinner table (47 percent).

Why does this remind me of the Police song "Message in a bottle"?

Posted by: sunchaser at September 19, 2007 10:28 AM

OMG! yes, of course! why WOULDN'T there be a crossdresser in powder blue in your facilities?!

also, a PSA - Mt Dew snarfed through the nose does not feel so good....just thought I'd share, in case anyone was wondering or perhaps thinking of trying this.

Posted by: Kris at September 19, 2007 11:03 AM

As a dad of a small girl and soon to be dad of a smaller boy, you might want to expand your list of bathroom rules to include Bathroom Rule number 1 for our family: Go While You're There.

My girls have a love affair with public bathrooms. No trip to the grocery store is complete without a trip to the Ladies'. Often they used to say just that they needed to wash their hands, and, while such hygiene is admirable, it becomes annoying when at the next stop on the errands list, they announce that they have to pee. So, we follow rule number 1: go while you're there. If we go into a bathroom, someone has to try to pee. End of story. It has cut down somewhat on spurious bathroom visits.

Of course our Bathroom Rule number 2 would be largely moot for you: if there are urinals, you're in the wrong one.

Posted by: alison at September 19, 2007 11:16 AM

Rule #7 - do not address people by name. OK to say "Hi" and make pleasantries at the sink or on the way in or out, but perhaps I do not want the person inside the stall to KNOW who was sitting next to her stinking the place up. Right?

Posted by: kalisah at September 19, 2007 11:26 AM

I think aliens implanted a weirdo magnet into your brain. You seem to suck them to you like a high-priced vacuum. wow.

I second the book idea. It would be a best-seller!

(I, too, say things that no one understands because it is coming from the conversation I am carrying on in my brain. You may make a tad bit more sense than I do.)

Posted by: sue at September 19, 2007 12:09 PM

Good Lord, man. That's just wrong.

Posted by: Sassy at September 19, 2007 12:15 PM

I'm with ya on this one. I, too, am a bathroom freak. no chit chatting, talking on the cell phone, eating, the purse on the floor thing kind of grosses me out too... and that's just some of my issues along with most of what you described and a few others that would drag into several comment boxes...
Honestly, if I could somehow get home when in need, I prefer just using mine. Too bad we, as humans, are unable to hold it that long. Damn it!

Posted by: Denise at September 19, 2007 1:02 PM

Sorry, but I had to change somewhere!

Posted by: Jeff A at September 19, 2007 2:35 PM

Can you please add another rule? It's the WASH YOUR HANDS rule. Please tell me you washed your hands.

Random fact: every day, you touch an average of 15 penises due to unwashed hands.


Posted by: Sparkle Pants at September 19, 2007 2:38 PM

A couple of months ago at my place of employment I was checking an outgoing semi-trucks' load for it's seal before I let it leave. When the truck rolled up and I went out, lo and behold the driver that I thought was a woman was a man. He had pink ribbons pinned in his hair, obvious stubble on his face, and was wearing very stylish hot pink dress ensemble with large pink sequins decorating the sleaves, looking at me with one of those "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" looks. I was so floored I was speechless. Needless to say, I checked his truck out as quickly as possibly because my resolve to keep a straight face was quickly dissolving. As soon as he left I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes. Thankfully, I've never seen that driver return *knocks on wood*

Posted by: Lisa at September 19, 2007 3:04 PM

I'm also a fan of the "no phones" rules. It's all well and good that some folks place no value on their privacy, but I damn sure value mine. No one wants to hear me sing anyway :)

Posted by: Sue at September 19, 2007 4:05 PM

Maybe he was dressed up for a formal in Monkeytown!

Posted by: kali at September 19, 2007 4:18 PM

Maybe he/she was trying to be courteous by not pulling up alongside you at the urinal. Maybe he/she was aware that for as weird a scenario as you encountered, having a dude in a dress taking care of business in close proximity would be even weirder. I'm just trying to give him/her the benefit of the effed up doubt.

Posted by: Sphincter at September 19, 2007 5:51 PM

I think you attract more ...unusual... people in any given week than I have in my entire lifetime. Regardless, it always makes for a good read :)

Posted by: Amy at September 19, 2007 9:49 PM

You're like the "Bermuda Triangle" in the arena of bathroom freakdom.

Posted by: wordgirl at September 19, 2007 10:26 PM

You're like the "Bermuda Triangle" in the arena of bathroom freakdom.

Posted by: wordgirl at September 19, 2007 10:27 PM

Rule #2 is why I always refused to nurse my girls in the loo. Seriously, if I won't eat in there with the stink and the overloud WHOOOOSH! why would I expect the baby to do so? And WHY can't people SEE that it's WRONG to ask a mom to nurse in there! Ick!

Sorry. Kinda a personal peeve of mine.

Posted by: Elaine at September 20, 2007 1:23 AM

Nice to know somethings never change!! :-)

Posted by: Pixie at September 20, 2007 4:24 PM

This is what I think about all those rules. 1. In order to make the rules, you had to have witnessed each of these behaviors. For that, I am truly sorry. 2. If people are doing this kind of stuff in public bathrooms, what are they doing in the privacy of their own home? I shudder to think.

Posted by: Librarian Girl at September 20, 2007 7:57 PM

I love your bathroom stories!

Have I ever told you about the famous guy from our old building? All the men who work for me would tell me about this guy from a company that shared our floor who would take long strips of toilet paper and drape them over the *slits* between the doors. I assume as to create a completely private pooping place?

Either way. WEIRD.

Posted by: aimee/greeblemonkey at September 23, 2007 1:52 AM