October 4, 2007

Three Conversations

Last night, I had several strange conversations. I thought three of them could stand repeating.

Conversation One: Members Only
At some point yesterday, Beth and Mia had a conversation about the main anatomical difference between boys and girls. She informed me of this, in a way that sounded more warning than conversation, when I walked though the door yesterday evening. It took me a while to process the implications of this statement and I ended up with a few more questions. But instead of tipping off the kid, who was right there in the kitchen unloading and reloading the spice rack, I used code. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how I named a part of my body after a famed African-American comedian with a flair for zany poetry.

Me: To what extent, exactly, did you discuss my, uh, Nipsy Russell?
Her: Your what?
Me: Nipsy Russell. It's code. Come one. You'd never have been able to communicate in the Cold War.
Her: You went with Nipsy Russell?
Me: Yeah. He's really incredibly overlooked.

Conversation Two: Super Bad
Then, later in the evening, when James Brown's Super Bad shuffled its way though my iPod, I noticed that Mia was doing that eyes-closed head-bobbing dancing that I so appreciate.

Me: Are you funky?
Her: Mia dancing!
Me: But is Mia funky?
Her: Yes! Mia is monkey!
Me: You're super bad!
Her: I'm super monkey!

Conversation Three: Christening Gifts
Mere minutes later, the following conversation was had.

Her: What should we get our niece as a christening gift?
Me: I'm thinking dirt bike. But that's just my gut reaction.
Her: That's cool. But what if her parents object?
Me: A kilo of blow is always a good backup gift.

I think you've probably learned something today. For instance, I have a penchant for obscure comedians, I have a varied musical taste that includes the Godfather of Soul, and that you should neer invite us to a christening.

Posted by Chris at October 4, 2007 7:30 AM

Are you kidding me? Dirt bike and blow are pretty much the best presents, ever.

If I ever get married, that's going on my registry.

Posted by: Cassandra at October 4, 2007 7:49 AM

Also, am first. Give prize.
I like ponies.

And blow.

Posted by: Cassandra at October 4, 2007 7:51 AM

if we invited you to our kids' christening and you brought a dirt bike, that would be awesome! it'd save me the money of purchasing one later :-) Really, though, they'd prefer 4-wheelers...

lol @ supermonkey :-)

Posted by: Alissa at October 4, 2007 8:34 AM

I love these conversations. They are what make parenting hysterical.

But... Nipsy Russell?!

"I am super monkey"!!! OMG that is too freakin' cute. Matthew now likes to say "I hit the mother load" because I told him that one day when we found a shit load of diggers/dump trucks at a construction site (as in 'Matthew we hit the mother load!') Hey at least I did not say look it's a shit load of diggers!

Posted by: Christina at October 4, 2007 8:35 AM

Nipsy Russell, huh? I guess it's better than Charles Nelson Reilly.

Posted by: Shelly at October 4, 2007 8:54 AM

Oh, I don't know... I haven't been to many christenings, but I'm thinkin' a dirt bike and some blow would really make the event.

And? We're gonna need some supermonkey video.

Posted by: Pammer at October 4, 2007 9:12 AM

and now I'm thinking about arranging a christening ...

(how does one do that, btw? does one need to be catholic? cuz that's gonna' present a problem ...)

Posted by: s@bd at October 4, 2007 9:13 AM

we are familiar with the eyes-closed head-bobbing aroudn here too...although, if i asked isabella if she was funky, she'd likely say, "no! i not funky! i bella" which is her answer to everything these days.

Posted by: ali at October 4, 2007 9:19 AM

Who hasn't used Nipsy Russel's name in vein?

Posted by: Maribeth at October 4, 2007 9:21 AM

Dude, you guys are invited to EVERY party that requires gifts from now on.

I don't do blow, but, it's the thought that counts. A KILO?? How generous. You shouldn't have.

Posted by: Type (little) a at October 4, 2007 9:21 AM

Nipsy Russell is obscure?! These are just too funny.

Posted by: Maria at October 4, 2007 9:49 AM

Put my vote in for Super Monkey Video Footage. :)

Posted by: amber at October 4, 2007 10:12 AM

Are you saying (or implying) that your Nipsey Russell is overlooked?

And Maribeth's "...Nipsy Russel's name in vein?" made me giggle like a 12-year-old. Heh, heh, she said vein.

Posted by: mr. big dubya at October 4, 2007 10:17 AM

Wow, I never thought I would see a post that included Nipsy Russell and Dirt Bikes. Awesome.

Posted by: Slinger at October 4, 2007 10:24 AM

Love love love the "Super Monkey".

Posted by: Red at October 4, 2007 10:25 AM

Love your blog. You always make me smile and make my co-workers wonder just what exactly I am up to. Thanks for the laughs.

Posted by: Elizabeth at October 4, 2007 10:32 AM

Are you kidding? I'm going to go ahead and get my kids christened, invite you folks and just wait for the kick ass presents to roll in.

Posted by: Elaine at October 4, 2007 10:49 AM

I would think that calling your 'Hammer of Love' Nipsy Russell would induce immediate flaccidity, but maybe I'm selling Nipsy short. Perhaps he was an erotic dynamo was John Holmes-like characteristics.

The problem with gifting cocaine at a baptism ('christening' made it sound like they were going to whack the baby with a bottle of champagne) is that the parents toss the baggy over their shoulder onto the rest of baggies while saying, "Great. More cocaine. Real original."

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at October 4, 2007 11:25 AM

Never a dull moment at your house! Love it.

Posted by: sue at October 4, 2007 12:05 PM

Wow, your member has a first AND last name? Impressive!

Posted by: Sphincter at October 4, 2007 12:59 PM

Whoa. Doesn't matter that I'm a smidge into my 50th year, or that I've been fixed. hobbitt and I are now trying desperately to have the kid you'll buy the latter christening gift for. Street value up here? New car, baby!

Posted by: bhd at October 4, 2007 1:13 PM

I see nothing amiss with a dirt bike covered with big frilly white ribbons and bows.

Posted by: BID at October 4, 2007 5:02 PM

Dude, my daughter, at age 2, refers to herself as "Coco Chimp".

Posted by: Mr Lady at October 4, 2007 5:03 PM

As a kid I dreamed of getting a kilo of blow for my birthday. But sadly, it was never to be...

Posted by: Tink at October 4, 2007 5:21 PM

oh... I want to see that Mia discussion in VIDEO!

and you know I will always invite you two to my christenings just for the blow baby... just for the blow :)

Posted by: stinkerbell at October 4, 2007 5:49 PM

Oh, how I'd love to have an in-person conversation with you and Beth. Actually, I'd probably end up observing, as I'd most likely end up on the floor in fits of laughter.

But still... you crack my shit up!

Posted by: ironic1 at October 4, 2007 8:39 PM

Your conversation with Mia made me miss teaching kindergarten. They weren't as cute, but it's the closest I got.

Also, I agree. That conversation needs to be videoed.

Posted by: Lisa at October 5, 2007 3:07 AM

Dude, your conversations are soooo much better than mine at home.


Posted by: Edge at October 5, 2007 11:22 AM

conversation #3 sounds a lot like a conversation I had with Mike today - only we were discussing a christmas gift for my cousin - a baptist minister. Mike suggested we get him some hard-core gay midget porn. I suggested that, perhaps it wasn't the most appropriate gift. And then I offered up crack as an alternative.

I'm glad to know we're not the only ones who do this ;)

Posted by: suze at October 6, 2007 12:56 AM

Super monkey - she's too cute :)

Posted by: Jules at October 7, 2007 6:00 PM

And Dude.

For some twisted reason, that Nipsy Russell comment popped into my head while I was brushing my teeth this morning.

And that, my friend, is unacceptable Cactus exposure.

Posted by: Paige at October 8, 2007 9:12 PM

Bryan once told a friend's 11 year old son to ask for a crack pipe for Christmas, because he thought it would be "funny."

I know all about you and your kind.

Posted by: aimee/greeblemonkey at October 9, 2007 12:10 AM

Are you kidding? I'm going to have MORE KIDS just so I can invite you to the christening.

Posted by: Swistle at October 9, 2007 3:23 PM