October 24, 2007

Liberation and Humiliation

Yesterday afternoon, I found a break in my busy meeting schedule to jump in my car and head to a different building for, yes, more meetings. This is how I wound up inside a parking garage buried deep in the heart of the District at 2:00 in the afternoon. I learned that parking garages are dead at 2:00. People have either come or gone but they're rarely in between. The fans that suck the exhaust out into the skies were off. Cars were silent. It was absolutely and astoundingly quiet except for the sounds my shoes made on the pavement. They echoed, bouncing off the concrete walls and pillars, striking the cars and heading back at me. I was inspired, compelled, to break the silence and claim the moment as my own.

I looked around and, seeing nothing, yelled at the top of my lungs. "FUCK!" It was liberating as hell. "FUCK!" I screamed with my suit jacket slung over one arm, laptop over the other. "FUCK!" I felt free as my voice filled the silence around me.

That changed when a little old man got out of a car about 20 feet from where I was standing. "You okay?" he asked.

When I began shouting, I could have sworn I was alone. But I wasn't. I turned to reply, my face red, and did the only think any self-respecting person could possibly do in a situation such as this.

"Sorry. FUCK! Tourettes. FUCK! Chicken. Penis! EGGROLL!" I replied.

Posted by Chris at October 24, 2007 7:16 AM

Pretty quick thinking, really ;) Good job.

Posted by: Heather at October 24, 2007 7:43 AM

what a way to start my morning! with a belly laugh!
when i first moved into my house, i awoke one morning to loud swearing....only to find my next door neighbor "washing" his driveway, swearing at the hose... yes, he has tourettes... no one else around ...nicest guy you would ever wanna know... i swear....oops...no...HE does

Posted by: the unicorn at October 24, 2007 7:47 AM

You did NOT!!


Oh god. hahaa ..
I REALLY needed a laugh this morning. Really. Thank you.

Posted by: Jen at October 24, 2007 8:02 AM

Are you telling the truth?! Either way, though, it's hilarious.

And now, a stupid statement, but one I feel compelled to make:

I was not aware parking garages have big fans to suck out exhaust fumes. Really? I've never been in one that wasn't open to the air (heck, I've never been in one more than 3 levels high). Hmm, you learn something new every day, I guess.

Posted by: Alissa at October 24, 2007 8:09 AM

OMG! I think I wet my pants laughing at this one.

Posted by: Maria at October 24, 2007 8:11 AM

Yeah, I would have knocked him down and ran away.
So your way is waaay better.

Posted by: Cassandra at October 24, 2007 8:15 AM

Oh, this made my morning. I'm totally feeling for you, but that was funny. And so completely something that would happen to you. At least it wasn't in a bathroom.

Posted by: Dawn at October 24, 2007 8:20 AM

That's awesome!Thanks for the laugh on this dreary rainy day!

Posted by: Lisa at October 24, 2007 8:26 AM

We really need to hang out.

Posted by: statia at October 24, 2007 8:28 AM

No way you could've played that off that you were looking for your friend "CHUCK" huh?

Posted by: Stephanie at October 24, 2007 8:32 AM

HA ha ha ha ha!

Quick thinking!

Posted by: Leah at October 24, 2007 8:43 AM

And you think YOU run into the weirdos in parking garages, elevators, and bathrooms? Hmmmmmm....

Posted by: Tera at October 24, 2007 8:44 AM

that was excellent.

Posted by: madmom at October 24, 2007 8:54 AM

Chicken penis eggroll??? OK, I've just lost my craving for Chinese food.

Fast thinking! I would probably just have blushed, muttered and then ran away.Yeah, and what Tera said. Maybe that guy has a blog and meets a lot of weirdos in parking garages. Maybe you are his big cross-dressing bathroom denizen. You could be starring in his blog today. You never know.

Posted by: alison at October 24, 2007 8:57 AM

NO YOU DIDN'T!!! I dont believe you...and if you did, gosh, the expression on that guy's face must've been priceless...LOL!!!

Posted by: Dee at October 24, 2007 9:03 AM

Ooooh, nice save. Eggroll?

Posted by: You c an call me, 'Sir' at October 24, 2007 9:06 AM

I do not find it funny at all. Perhaps beacuse my very best friend has it.

Posted by: Katherine at October 24, 2007 9:20 AM

I do not find it funny at all. Perhaps beacuse my very best friend has it.

Posted by: Katherine at October 24, 2007 9:21 AM

Reminds me of all the times in college we'd play the Penis game (you know, where you see who has the balls to say it the loudest). I'd always go last, and my friends hated playing the game with me, as I'd freely shout out PENIS!!! really loud.

Yours sounds way more liberating though, and I'm quite jealous!

Posted by: Corinne at October 24, 2007 9:22 AM

Dude, you constantly crack me up. I would have yelled too, but probably not FUCK!

Posted by: Brad at October 24, 2007 9:35 AM

Ha! One is never truly alone!!!

Posted by: Maribeth at October 24, 2007 9:37 AM

you are an extremely strange human being sometimes...

Posted by: linda at October 24, 2007 9:46 AM

Funny, but did you happen to catch the HBO doc about kids with Tourette's a couple of months ago? The stuff some of the people with this condition go through is pretty rough - apparently it's not just spontaneous cursing, there are often physical "tics" that draw unwanted attention to them. Prior to seeing it, my knowledge of Tourette’s basically came from the movie "What About Bob?"

Anyway, not trying to be a downer (even if I succeeded!) - after reading your blog for a couple of years it's clear that you're not at all mean-spirited, I just felt like I had to say something.

At any rate, quick thinking on your part. Did the little old man have any response?

Posted by: erin at October 24, 2007 10:24 AM

Eggroll? Clean out your mouth...

You crack me up.

Posted by: sue at October 24, 2007 10:26 AM

I read this post earlier and couldn't reply because i was laughing too hard.

Posted by: Sarah at October 24, 2007 10:51 AM


Posted by: betty at October 24, 2007 11:12 AM

You could always follow my example in situations like these... Take a bow and exit stage left. Works every time :)

Posted by: GreenCanary at October 24, 2007 11:15 AM


Posted by: Sue at October 24, 2007 11:23 AM

So, do you think he went back and blogged about the strange character he met in the Parking lot? ;)

Posted by: molly at October 24, 2007 11:35 AM

That's FUCKing awesome.

Posted by: kim at October 24, 2007 11:36 AM

Now you live up to your name. RUDE Cactus. LOL.

I always have this desire to just go out to the middle of busy noon time Downtown foot traffic and yell, "ARUGULA!". I don't know if it's the same thing...

Posted by: oakley at October 24, 2007 12:13 PM

ouch. even i feel embarrassed. but you recovered nicely, if not quite creatively. ;)

Posted by: Sarcomical at October 24, 2007 12:13 PM

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That is too, too much! I am getting looks from the cube farm because I can't stop laughing!


Posted by: zanie at October 24, 2007 12:41 PM

you did not! i'm so sorry to laugh at your expense, but i'm going to anyway. that story made my day.

Posted by: Noelle at October 24, 2007 1:01 PM

You crack me up!!!

Posted by: been there, done that at October 24, 2007 1:31 PM

Oh man, you crack me up. Penis Eggroll is priceless.

Posted by: Shelly at October 24, 2007 1:44 PM

South Park had an episode on tourettes a few weeks ago and now when we're driving to/from work/home and traffic is bad and the first F bomb drops, my husband goes into tourettes driving mode!

Posted by: Michelle at October 24, 2007 2:42 PM

Okay. So that was just so awesome.

Posted by: samantha jo campen at October 24, 2007 3:03 PM

nice :)

Posted by: Regina at October 24, 2007 3:22 PM

oh. my. goodness. That is awesome. I have tears streaming down my face and people are looking at me funny for laughing out loud!!! That's awesome!!!

Posted by: Li'l Foot's Mommy at October 24, 2007 4:10 PM

Eggroll? Great choice! It's so random that the guy probably believed you :)

Posted by: Katie at October 24, 2007 4:13 PM

You're so funny. I bet no one has ever told you that before, huh?

Penis eggroll sounds kind of redundant to me. But I'm sick like that.

Posted by: Tink at October 24, 2007 4:54 PM

That is hysterical. You are truly impressive and clearly quick witted!

Posted by: bad penguin at October 24, 2007 7:01 PM

You ALMOST made me spit out my Blizzard. Thank God, my save-the-chocolate instinct kicked in just in time. That's some funny stuff!

Posted by: Julie at October 24, 2007 8:47 PM

Extremely quick thinking! I'm impressed :)

Posted by: suze at October 24, 2007 8:48 PM

Chicken penis?

I'm still laughin'. I wonder if that was all caught on the video surveillance camera? HA. Nice.

Posted by: kimmyk at October 24, 2007 9:49 PM


Thanks for the laugh. :)

Posted by: Allison at October 24, 2007 11:42 PM

I wish the man had a blog I knew about, it would be interesting to read his blog about "weirdos in parking lots". Just like the ones you end up with in elevators.

Posted by: NM at October 25, 2007 1:05 AM

Nice save. You crack me up.

Posted by: Nila at October 25, 2007 8:52 AM

"Eggroll" is really pushing it ...

Posted by: Melissa at October 25, 2007 7:53 PM

Noooooo way! Hahahahaha!

I do wonder how your mind hops from chicken to penis to eggroll. :)

Posted by: Nadine at October 26, 2007 6:35 AM