November 29, 2007

Random Postlets About My Silly Life

I'm feeling random, out of sorts this week. I've been full of ideas for little tiny bite-sized posts and have been collecting these ideas all week. So here they are...collected, seemingly random posts that, taken together, shed a little bit of light on the silliness that I call life.

Reason 3,502 Why I'm Going To Hell
Last Tuesday, I led a training class for some clients. It was an all-day thing so we took a break for lunch in the middle. We went to a hole-in-the-wall place and sat around taking. We landed on the topic of cell-phones and what had finally prompted a few of the people to get one. One guy told a harrowing tale of blowing a tire and being unable to change it. "Eh, you know, generally tires aren't too hard to change if you give it a shot." What I neglected to tell you is that two of the three people in this training class were in wheelchairs. And no, I'm just not lucky enough to have made this comment to someone more, uh, able-bodied.

Lactose Is Intolerant
I was browsing Amazon for gifts. And yes, I'll admit it, stuff for myself. I stumbled on critics review of the latest Dean Koontz book. Take a look. A close look.

Huh. "Darkest Ice Cream of the Year"? The master of horror returns with a chilling tale of dairy gone bad.

Penile Logic
As I might have mentioned, my penis is a pretty hot topic of conversation here in the Cactus-Fish household. Witness the following conversation I had with my daughter.

Mia: Daddy has a penis today.
Me: Yes, as opposed to the other days when I forget and leave it at home.
Mia: It's on the other side of your bottom.
Me: Can't really argue with that logic.
Mia: Play trains! Play trains!

I Have Been Warned
Beth is having a little bit harder time with this pregnancy than she did with Mia. Don't get me wrong - she's thrilled what with the long-term bonus of having a kid at the end of nine hard months. But I think the daily rigor of pregnancy is getting to her. Why? The other day, apropos of absolutely nothing, she said, and I quite, "If you ever get me pregnant again, I'm going to beat the shit out of you." Duly noted. Feel the love.

Posted by Chris at November 29, 2007 7:03 AM

I felt that way towards my husband the second time around, too :-)

lol@ "the other side of your bottom"

Posted by: Alissa at November 29, 2007 7:59 AM

Darkest Ice Cream. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at November 29, 2007 8:37 AM

It was apropos of trying to bend over the sink to wash my face and finding that doing so caused my belly to cut off circulation to my brain. Which makes it a totally reasonable statement.

Posted by: Mrs. Cactus at November 29, 2007 9:08 AM

Darkest Ice Cream...
Darkest evening...

I definitely can see how someone would have mistyped that... Try it you will see - it is NEAR impossible!

You go Beth! LOL!

Posted by: Christina at November 29, 2007 9:19 AM

Beth is being completely reasonable, Mia is adorable and hilarious (as usual), and the darkest ice cream of the year (or ever) is chocolate, right?

Posted by: Fraulein N at November 29, 2007 9:22 AM

Soooooo, vasectomy it is! :D

Posted by: Poppy at November 29, 2007 9:43 AM

I could go for some darkest ice cream of the year. Unless it was licorice. I hate licorice.

I remember really vividly feeling like Beth while in labour with my youngest. I didn't say anything, but the look on my face must have been enough, cause my then-husband kept apologising for getting me pregnant. (And this was a planned pregnancy.)

Posted by: alison at November 29, 2007 10:01 AM

Hahahaha @ Beth. That's how I've been feeling lately too...
Though...I wouldn't beat you up because well, my pregnancy isn't your fault.

Posted by: sam at November 29, 2007 10:53 AM

Being pregnant while raising a toddler will quite literally beat you to a bloody pulp. She has my sympathies.

Posted by: Candy at November 29, 2007 11:12 AM

I'm totally in suspense! What IS the darkest ice cream of the year?

My guess would be Chunky Monkey.

Posted by: Librarian Girl at November 29, 2007 11:42 AM

Two of our (soon to be) three kids were conceived on our Anniversary. Rex will never again get laid on our Anniversary, regardless of what birth control method is employed.


Posted by: Becky at November 29, 2007 12:04 PM

As for the Penile Logic, that's pretty much how sex education classes work in public schools. Almost verbatim.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at November 29, 2007 12:47 PM

Okay, you got me... I'm laughing at each and every one of these!

Posted by: sue at November 29, 2007 1:46 PM

My nephew once yelled - loudly - in a grocery store that sex was when "mama and daddy rub bellies together." How he put the belly-rubbin' with the sexin' is all anyone can figure, but boy... he sure turned a few heads with the announcement.

Posted by: GreenCanary at November 29, 2007 3:17 PM

My nephew once said - loudly - to a stranger in the grocery store that sex was when "mommy and daddy rubbed bellies together." How he put the belly-rubbin' with the sexin' is beyond me, but he sure turned a few heads with the announcement.

Point being: kids say the darnedest things. And they're usually spot on.

Posted by: GreenCanary at November 29, 2007 3:19 PM

It's on the other side of your bottom...

Man, that kid is WISE.

Did Beth mean "shit" literally? Because, EW.

Posted by: Tink at November 29, 2007 3:57 PM

Y'know, my youngest is a few days younger than Mia, and I canNOT even imagine how much harder my life would be if I were pregnant now. OY! Guess you better call and schedule that appointment, huh?

And Darkest Ice Cream? WTF? I haven't read Dean Koontz's stuff in awhile - either his style changed or my taste changed (or both), so I don't really get into it much - but... ice cream? Huh.

Posted by: Sarah at November 29, 2007 9:37 PM

Like that song "Detachable Penis" from the 90's, you may have just left it someplace. It never hurts to be current with the info.

Posted by: Sphincter at November 29, 2007 9:48 PM

Saw this tonight. Thought of you...totally.

Posted by: Kristy at November 30, 2007 3:23 AM

Yeah, the second pregnancy was harder for me as well. And I made an MD take a scalpel to my husband's junk afterwards just to ensure there'd be no more babies in my bidness. And then you'll have the joy of explaining to Mia why she can't kiss Daddy's boo boo. Good times.

pssst: "quote" it, don't "quite" it.

Posted by: Elaine at November 30, 2007 10:01 PM

Darkest Ice Cream of the Year, huh? I don't think I could handle reading that book, what with the nightmares and stuff that I'd suffer from.

Posted by: angela at December 1, 2007 10:28 AM

The quotes you include from Beth are the best on the Internet. She sounds just hilarious.

Posted by: She Likes Purple at December 5, 2007 12:27 AM