December 18, 2007

The (clap clap) Monologues

One of Mia's recent favorite games is playing DJ. She gets her little pink CD player and a pile of CDs and plays a whopping 15 seconds of each. And while she has raided my own CD collection - her half-hour mix of Van Halen songs was particularly inspired - she tends to focus on her own collection of songs and music for kids. While doing so, she exposed Beth and I to something particularly horrifying.

The Battle Hymn Of The Republic (stay with me - I'm going somewhere with this) was written between 1855 and 1862 (the music and lyrics were written separately over a somewhat broad period of time) and intended to inspire the Union soldiers in the raging Civil War. So imagine our surprise when we heard a kid-focused variation on the song that seemed to be primarily focused on vaginas.

Here are the song lyrics along with our comments transcribed as they went down.

She waded in the water
And she got her feet all wet
She waded in the water
And she got her feet all wet
She waded in the water
And she got her feet all wet
But she didn't get her (clap, clap) wet yet

Glory Glory Hallelujah!
Glory Glory Hallelujah!
Glory Glory Hallelujah!
But she didn't get her (clap, clap) wet yet

[Me: This isn't some sort of weird Jesus song, is it?
Beth: There are weird Jesus songs all over this CD.
Me: Actually, if you listen, I definitely don't think this is about Jesus.]

She waded in the water
And she got her ankles wet
She waded in the water
And she got her ankles wet
She waded in the water
And she got her ankles wet
But she didn't get her (clap, clap) wet yet

Glory Glory Hallelujah!
Glory Glory Hallelujah!
Glory Glory Hallelujah!
But she didn't get her (clap, clap) wet yet

She waded in the water
And she got her knees all wet
She waded in the water
And she got her knees all wet
She waded in the water
And she got her knees all wet
But she didn't get her (clap, clap) wet yet

Glory Glory Hallelujah!
Glory Glory Hallelujah!
Glory Glory Hallelujah!
But she didn't get her (clap, clap) wet yet

[Me: They're totally talking about some chick's hoo-haa.
Beth: They can't be. But they so are!
Me: What kind of sick bastard wrote a hoo-haa song for kids?
Mia: Hoo-haa! Hoo-haa!!]

She waded in the water
And she got her thighs all wet
She waded in the water
And she got her thighs all wet
She waded in the water
And she got her thighs all wet
But she didn't get her (clap, clap) wet yet

[Me and Beth: Hysterical, uncomfortable laughter.]

Glory Glory Hallelujah!
Glory Glory Hallelujah!
Glory Glory Hallelujah!
But she didn't get her (clap, clap) wet yet

She waded in the water
And she finally got it wet
She waded in the water
And she finally got it wet
She waded in the water
And she finally got it wet

[Beth: I hope it was as good for her as it was for us.
Me: Must have been if it was, you know, wet. Oh, and dibs, by the way!]

Now I know - since I looked at the song's title - that it's theoretically about some chick and her bathing suit but I don't buy it. Not for a minute. All that cleverly-placed clapping is clearly code. There's a whole subtext of things going on here that I'm not buying but I'm much to innocent to comment on. But - bottom line - I suspect that this woman got some and is now singing to my kid about it. And that ain't right.

Posted by Chris at December 18, 2007 7:17 AM
Comments

Chris, we sang that when I was a kid and laughed hysterically. We though we were being so bad.

I sure didn't know they'd recorded it though.

Posted by: ann adams at December 18, 2007 7:48 AM

Seems like when I was a kid I had the same song on some tape... and I probably thought nothing of it. As a mom, I hear that kind of stuff, though, and despite the likely intended innocence of it, I tend to giggle like a 12-year-old boy about it.

Posted by: sarah at December 18, 2007 7:50 AM

It's just a anatomy lesson. It's like head, shoulders, knees and toes but reverse.

Posted by: Arwen at December 18, 2007 8:01 AM

yowza! just from the lyrics I'd think the same. But then, I thought 'the missing piece meets the big o' was about orgasms.

Posted by: betty at December 18, 2007 8:29 AM

Between the hoo-haa and the clap, I thought it was an STD primer for young children...

Posted by: blair at December 18, 2007 8:45 AM

Yep, we sang that song as kids too, but we sang the last line as "Yes, she finally got her BATHING SUIT WET!" yet.

Posted by: Lisa at December 18, 2007 9:10 AM

If anyone buys my future kiddo (due in July :))any religious type CD's I think I might have to convienently lose them... is that a horrible thing to say???

Posted by: Stephanie at December 18, 2007 9:13 AM

That was (clap clap) awesome.

From now on, I will replace any inappropriate content with "(clap clap)".

But yeah, a song about a girl's (clap clap) just ain't right... if for no other reason than replacing that word with (clap clap) makes you think she may actually have the clap, and well... OK, maybe that's just me.

Posted by: SciFi Dad at December 18, 2007 9:54 AM

It's not right, but it sure is funny!

Posted by: Dawn at December 18, 2007 10:05 AM

My officemates think I'm insane with the giggling and the chortling over here. That was (clap clap) fabulous.

Posted by: SpaceCase at December 18, 2007 10:07 AM

You had me at "little pink CD player". ZOMG!!!

Chris, you have to stop telling us how cute your daughter is, we might all BURST.

Posted by: Poppy at December 18, 2007 10:13 AM

Oh, SO wrong!

Posted by: OddMix at December 18, 2007 10:17 AM

I NEED a copy of that song. I laughed so hard OJ (and umm, maybe some boogers too, cuz I'm sick) shot out my nose. (Overshare, I know, but at least I'm not talking about my hoohaa with your toddler.)

Posted by: Sassypants at December 18, 2007 10:27 AM

That is the (clap, clap) weirdest thing I have heard. I've heard a million "Jesus" CD's and have NEVER heard this one. But people change the words to popular tunes all the time to get kids to remember stuff. We were listening to a CD today about site words ( the, he, and, she, is, etc ) and it was riddled with familiar melodies.

But that (clap, clap ) thing is just ODD!!!


~Jef

Posted by: Edge at December 18, 2007 10:34 AM

Oh. My. God.

First, I'd like to say that I'm glad I'm not the only one who read it a couple of times and kept seeing "hoo ha" and "clap" in close proximity and started thinking about giving the poor girl some antibiotics...

I didn't catch until the second reading where Mia repeated "hoo ha". I think that might have been the funniest part of the post.

I love that you called "dibs" on this one - I've been reading both yours and Beth's blog for a bit now, and I had a funny feeling that sometimes happened at your house!!! Do you guys call "shotgun" too??? *grin*

Posted by: Latte Mommy at December 18, 2007 10:52 AM

Perhaps the song title should be changed to The Battle Hymn of the Pubic?

Posted by: GreenCanary at December 18, 2007 11:29 AM

Somebody got their groove back and wanted to share their glee with unsuspecting children by hijacking a 19th century tune about God stomping the grapes of wrath. Is that really so wrong?

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at December 18, 2007 11:37 AM

I just snorted aloud at work.

Posted by: Pocklock at December 18, 2007 11:38 AM

I don't know whether to be insanely amused or insanely horrified. I never sang about (clap, clap)s when I was younger...

Posted by: Cassandra at December 18, 2007 12:41 PM

Oh my - I've heard that version before, but never thought it out -

Posted by: cassie-b at December 18, 2007 2:01 PM

Dude, that is all kinds of messed up. And hilarious. And therefore messed up some more and ... you get the idea. Hee.

Posted by: Fraulein N at December 18, 2007 2:15 PM

I have no idea if that's what the song is really about, but your revelation ties in perfectly to my new Christmas game: pick a Christmas carol and replace one key word with Hoohah! Example: "Have a holly, jolly hoohah!" Not exactly kid friendly but guarantee to crack adults big kids up. Happy holidays!

Posted by: Laura at December 18, 2007 2:29 PM

Hil.freakin'.larious.

Posted by: Sarah R at December 18, 2007 2:47 PM

Bwhahahahaha! And great post title.

Posted by: Allison at December 18, 2007 3:18 PM

Wow, that is hilarious! And I am with you, there is some hidden message in that.

Posted by: Slinger at December 18, 2007 4:47 PM

You really are going to kill me and my (clap, clap) at work one of these days. Really.

Mia going hoo-hah! hoo-hah! is too hilarious. Gotta love how the kiddos pick up on the worst possible words to repeat that you're talking about.

Posted by: Teenuh at December 18, 2007 4:48 PM

What CD is that song on?

No reason...

Posted by: Tink at December 18, 2007 5:17 PM

That's very funny!

Posted by: Dawn at December 18, 2007 7:33 PM

I will never think of The Battle Hymn of the Republic the same ever again.

Ever.

Posted by: Emily at December 18, 2007 8:36 PM

Whaaaaaat? That's insane! What a crazy song. I must admit it's pretty funny, though. :)

Posted by: Zandria at December 18, 2007 9:25 PM

Thank you for a much-needed laugh!!! I also went down the STD road... so sick and wrong, but I think that's where the songwriter(s) wanted us to go. Too funny!

Posted by: ironic1 at December 18, 2007 10:50 PM

i'm mostly impressed that you called dibs before beth! is this a first? because it seems like she almost ALWAYS gets the goods. i still send people to the archives for the Gatorade controversy. funniest. shit. ever.

Posted by: jessica at December 19, 2007 11:12 AM

WTH??? I've never heard that song, and I hope I never do, especially on a children's CD. There is no way that could be interpreted innocently - bathing suit or not.

Posted by: Amy at December 19, 2007 7:09 PM

Oh my, and I thought Dutch children's songs were bad ;)

Posted by: Nadine at December 20, 2007 6:09 AM

Are you guys crazy or just overstimulated? This is just a mildly naughty kids song from a simpler and more innocent time. It is as least 100 years old. Google "she waded in the water" and see how often it turns up in children's song collections. I love your STD suspicions.

Lighten up and enjoy a little kid's song.

Posted by: Dixie Lily at January 4, 2008 10:54 AM


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