January 29, 2008

No Country For Asshats (Of Any Age)

Dear theater-goer who sat behind us at a Saturday night showing of No Country For Old Men,

I loved No Country For Old Men, didn't you? It was riveting. It was tough to watch - it was violent and the body count was high and there was an extreme bleak creepiness to it that painted an unsettling undertone throughout. But all of those things made it impossible not to watch. Especially helpful, though, was your narration. Your concise summarization of both major and minor plot points was right-on. I'm honestly not sure I would have gotten through the movie without them. Sure, I'd read the book and I pretty much knew what was going to happen but, still, I'd have been lost without you, my oddly talkative friend.

Your sprinkling of witty one-liners was also inspired. Like, when Josh Brolin was done having a relatively frustrating conversation on a pay phone and he began slamming the receiver onto the phone's hook? Your perfectly timed delivery of "that's off the hook, yo" was comedy gold.

I commend you for not letting the fact that you were alone stop you from commenting and cracking wise out loud. To hell with societal mores and respect for others! You had something to say and you said it. Loudly. That's passion. That's bravery. Yet all these things paled in comparison to the ultimate display of movie-going prowess you made about an hour into the film. Yes, in spite of the growing on-screen tension you answered your phone...and had a nice long conversation.

Yeah. Thanks for getting back.
I'm just at a movie. Something about old men.
Buncha dudes getting fucked up.
By myself, yeah.
Wanted to know if I was going to see you tonight.
Oh, shit, man, dude just got whacked. Got his shit all fucked up.
Yeah, later babe.

There should really be an Oscar for Best Watching of A Movie. Or something. You'd win. There should also be a Most Self-Absorbed Fucker category. For you would take that category hands down. No one likes an asshat, mister. And you are an asshat.

Yours in Christ,
Chris Cactus

Posted by Chris at January 29, 2008 7:14 AM

And he probably wondered why he was ALONE at the movie.

Posted by: ocdcontrolfreak at January 29, 2008 7:47 AM

He could probably win Worst Narration of a Movie too.

Admit it! You're jealous that he was going to see the babe later. :-)

Posted by: Maria at January 29, 2008 7:55 AM

I just don't tolerate this any more - I think it's a side effect of getting old. It used to be I'd turn around and give dirty looks, no I STAND up and give a tongue lashing. It works surprisingly well.

Posted by: Dana at January 29, 2008 8:02 AM

So what do you think the odds are that he scored with the Phone Babe?

Posted by: Shelly at January 29, 2008 8:07 AM

Gee, I don't know if I could have let that go. Sometimes it's helpful being married to a policeman :-)

Posted by: Alissa at January 29, 2008 8:13 AM

Cool. Now I don't have to go see it.

Posted by: william at January 29, 2008 8:24 AM

I wonder if this is a British thing but this sort of thing has NEVER happened to me. The worst you tend to get here is the people who seem to need to eat a three course meal during a film. The British are, after all, very good at "shooshing".

Posted by: Loth at January 29, 2008 8:35 AM

aww....why is it that there is always at least one bad apple... ruining it for everyone???? (and when i say bad apple i mean asshat...)

Posted by: suicide_blond at January 29, 2008 8:38 AM

Best open letter movie review. You are totally winning a Poppy award for this.

Posted by: Poppy at January 29, 2008 9:02 AM

Oh, he's at a theater near YOU, now? Yeah, I've been to movies with that asshat before. He's never made comments while he was BY HIS DAMN SELF, though. Loser.

Posted by: Fraulein N at January 29, 2008 9:04 AM

I'm lucky lately because I haven't had that happen around here. But then you live near Washington, DC and all those politicians. Wonder if it was Teddy Kennedy getting a call from his lady! LOL
Seriously, I would have gone and told the theater management. Had the bum thrown out!
Last movie we saw, "Atonement" the theater was silent except for a few sniffles from all the crying.

Posted by: Maribeth at January 29, 2008 9:04 AM

"yours in Christ"--now that's a nice touch.lol

My experience in that movie? Silent. But when we left I had a woman stop me and say in her best super country voice,"Now wuz tha-at just me, or was tha-at da stupidest movie you'd ever done seen?" Sometimes I just LOVE Okieland.

Your's in Christ,
Kelly Ology

Posted by: Kellyology at January 29, 2008 9:04 AM

I have run into a surprising number of unaccompanied minors at the movies. The first time we saw Juno, there were these four annoying kids in the very front row who spent the entire time giggling and talking and hitting one another. You know, make sure your kids can handle their shit in public before you leave them alone for two hours. Don't just drop them off so they'll shut up and don't just drop them off because you're sick of them. I did NOT pay all of this money to listen to them play around.

I'm noticing that as I get older, I have less and less patience for stupidity. heh

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at January 29, 2008 9:32 AM

I JUST posted about this, my husband and I went to see Atonement and There Will Be Blood (I recommend both) and there were people talking through both and they were OLD! like 65-70 should know better old.

Posted by: Krista at January 29, 2008 9:33 AM

See, this is exactly why I carry a cattle prod.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at January 29, 2008 9:34 AM

I thought cell phones in a movie were a oustable offense. I like to be just as annoying back or get a manager. Or just explode in anger.

Either way ...


Posted by: Edge at January 29, 2008 9:35 AM

He was probably one of them damn striking Hollywood writers. Makes you wish you had one of them compressed air cattle guns.

Posted by: Marshall at January 29, 2008 9:52 AM

"yours in Christ"

thanks for the morning laugh!


Posted by: varinia at January 29, 2008 10:04 AM

"Yours in Christ." Oh... I'm now signing all of my mail like that. (P.S. My mom teaches at a Christian school and her email gets screened for obscenity and such. Guess who likes to send her mail with words like "whore" and "ass" and "shitbucket"? ME. That's who. It's nice getting her responses, "I got a notification that you sent me obscene email... STOP DOING THAT." Bwahahahaha!! *evil villain laugh*)

Posted by: GreenCanary at January 29, 2008 10:20 AM

I despise when people do that. There should be some sort of special asshole award for them. Or a swift kick in the ass.

Yours in Christ...snicker. :)

Posted by: Phoenix at January 29, 2008 10:51 AM

[Don't know what happened to the last comment - I'm trying again!]

Pretty sure there should be a Bud Light ad about this.

Here's to you, Mr. Goes to the Movies Alone Guy!
Congratulations, you ventured out alone
(nobody'd go with ya!)
You spent all day perfecting your one liners, but you still can't get a date
(Sorry, gotta wash my hair tonight!)
But there goes your cell phone in the theater. Go on, answer it. Because everything you do right now says, 'I'm cool'
(You probably paid her to call you)
So crack open an ice cold bud light, Mr. goes to the moves alone guy!
And engage in some witty dialogue.
....with yourself.

Posted by: Caitlin at January 29, 2008 11:03 AM

The "yours in christ" really got the belly laugh out of me. :)

Posted by: Brad at January 29, 2008 11:31 AM

Better watch your back..don't want you to get your shit all fucked up.

Posted by: Darren at January 29, 2008 11:51 AM

i cannot handle when people use their phones inside movie theaters. boo.

Posted by: ali at January 29, 2008 11:54 AM

oh, Chris, you are way too nice! I have punched people at Disneyland for offenses more minor than that!

LOL@ Commenter Caitlin - you got that spot on!

Posted by: Trixie at January 29, 2008 12:13 PM

I feel I should be allowed to bring a stun gun in and direct it at the following:

1)People who talk to each other during the movie about non-movie topics.
2)People who narrate what's going on for their friends
3)People who talk on the phone during the moviel
4)People who talk aloud to the screen in any way shape or form. Even if it is only a "Oh no he DIDN'T!!" over something a character has done.

And there wouldn't be a court in the world that would convict me.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at January 29, 2008 12:30 PM

This makes me grate me teeth.
It's almost as bad as when children run wild in a R rated movie, that they shouldn't even BE in, while their parents don't care.

Or worse yet, think it's cute when their four year old boy PULLS ON YOUR HAIR because Awww, that means he LIKES you, so of COURSE he's not going to be told to stop, until YOU have to move ALL THE WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE THEATRE, because that's where the only free seats are, and THEY STILL let the kind wander far enough to FIND YOU AND PULL YOUR HAIR AGAIN.


Sorry the movie going experience was sub par.

Posted by: Cassandra at January 29, 2008 1:09 PM

And that's why we don't go to the movies. I'd be arrested for making a ruckus over an asshat.

Posted by: Amy at January 29, 2008 1:25 PM

precisely why I hate going to the theater.

Posted by: kalisa at January 29, 2008 1:27 PM

THIS is why I don't like the theatre... The burping contests in the back are always lovely too....

Posted by: Kelly at January 29, 2008 2:10 PM

did you tell him to shut up?

Posted by: Pinky at January 29, 2008 3:22 PM

...which is EXACTLY why I never go to the movies!! But then, I'm "RUDE", I'll tell the asshat to shut the fuck up!! or move...

Posted by: been there, done that at January 29, 2008 3:35 PM

Doesn't sound like the type to be at a movie alone. Let alone that movie. But lest I judge others, at least he was trying. But then again, I probably would have Shushed him.

Posted by: claire at January 29, 2008 3:42 PM

I gie movie talkers a couple of chances then I get loud and embarass them to either move or shut up. You'd be amazed how fast people get away when you start acting crazy.

Posted by: ed bacchus at January 29, 2008 4:43 PM

I think it's the "yours in Christ" that really made me snorf my drink.

Posted by: moo at January 29, 2008 4:44 PM

That is why I don't go to the movies anymore. Grrr.

btw...was he wearing clown shoes?

Posted by: ie at January 29, 2008 6:40 PM

for whatever reason every time i go to the movies i manage to get a seat in front of the nerdiest(not in the endearing way), most talkative people in the theater. the kind people that take Final Fantasy way too seriously. i think it's just the movies i see but man, the last five times i've managed to find these people.
i think i'd rather have some random jerk behind me because i wouldn't feel like a bully telling them to STFU.

Posted by: Jared at January 29, 2008 7:08 PM

Did the fucker have popcorn? If he was chompin' popcorn and runnin' his piehole like that, dude that's ground for cuttin' him right there in the aisle.
For reals, yo.

Posted by: kimmyk at January 29, 2008 8:31 PM

No, that POST was comedy gold.

Posted by: samantha jo campen at January 29, 2008 8:46 PM

I had one of those recently but he sat right beside me and I was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of his lonely conversation...it takes two you know and there I was!!
After hearing all about HIS Bucket List (the trailer) and what he'd done, listening to him laugh during Michael Clayton when really nothing to laugh at, and having his phone beep a couple times...he was kind enough to leave...and not come back!!

Posted by: Judy at January 29, 2008 10:29 PM

That may be the ass-hattiest asshat I've heard of in a long time.

Posted by: Sphincter at January 29, 2008 10:57 PM

those kind of people annoy the $hit out of me. I'm a good shosher though. I ask people to leave too - I had practice though - used to work at a movie theater.

Posted by: Sue R at January 30, 2008 11:31 AM

That's the reason I don't go to the movies anymore.

Posted by: Candy at January 30, 2008 12:04 PM

that pretty much sums it up! let's hope the asshats stay away from my theatre this weekend

Posted by: Holly at January 30, 2008 9:25 PM

Sounds like the ultimate jerk. Truth is, my hubby told me about this movie and sadly I probably would have needed his little one-liners to keep me awake.

Posted by: Melinda at January 31, 2008 11:08 PM

If you are in not good state and have no cash to move out from that point, you will need to take the mortgage loans. Because that would aid you emphatically. I take small business loan every time I need and feel myself good just because of this.

Posted by: GuzmanAngelita18 at June 9, 2011 2:34 AM