February 6, 2008

Brought To You By The Letter P

Primping and pimping. Do you remember my infamous mullet post? It's hard to forget, I'll admit. I don't have full details on this yet but some marketing company wants to use it in the design of a new site. A site for an apartment builder. Now, I don't know how my terrible high school hair style can motivate people to buy apartments or build apartments or whatever is they intend on doing to apartments but I'm tempted. What do you think?

Product placement. Like everyone, I get tons of spam. They're usually about my penis. Sometimes just regular old porn. But I read the subject lines because they're hilarious. It's like they recruit some mentally deranged sex fiends who have a very limited understanding of the English language to write these things. Your love has opened - seriously? Increase your stamins - what does a flower have to do with this? But I'll admit I was pretty intrigued by the subject line that stated, simply Des Moines. So of course I opened it. And it was about hardcore lesbian sex.

Phantom poop. It's all about poop around here. Or not pooping. Or mythical poops. Mia continues to have pooping issues, in that she doesn't want to. She turned that on its ear on Monday by repeatedly claiming she had pooped when, indeed, she had not. When she was so informed, she lost her shit, figuratively, not literally. It is a bizarre time in your life when you find yourself having the following discussion:

Mia: I pooped.
Me: You did not.
Mia: Yes I did.
Me: Here is your diaper. There's nothing in it.
Mia: Yes there is. Poop!
Me: What, is it invisible or something?
Mia: Yes, my poop is invisible.

Maybe that's been the issue. Maybe she's been pooping all along. Maybe it's just been, well, stealthy.

Pregnancy. Beth? Very pregnant and kinda miserable. Send labor vibes her way, okay?

Penis. My penis really is the subject of a great deal of conversation in my house. Most of it initiated by Mia. On Sunday, I had to explain how the touching of a penis should really be by invitation only and, at her age, she should flee screaming from any such invitation. Then she tried to convince me that we needed to give her big stuffed duck a penis. Apparently they're detachable. Who knew? Last night we were treated to another page from Mia's Anatomy after which we found a dead ladybug. I didn't want to explain the whole dead part so I just told her we'd carry it downstairs and set it free outside. We did. I threw it up in the air and pretended to watch the dead ladybug take flight. With neighbors returning home from work, it was then that she shouted, "Ladybugs have big penises!"

Posted by Chris at February 6, 2008 6:20 AM

I am SOOOO fed up with those dirty spam e-mails. IF you think they're hilarious now, you'll change your mind when your kid can read and is standing at your shoulder -remember my oldest is 12.

What is it w/ 2 1/2 year olds and anatomy. I've a problem with little bear constantly and publicly grabbing my bust. It's embarassing and no amount of scolding seems to discourage it.

Posted by: ocdcontrolfreak at February 6, 2008 6:59 AM

And do those ladybugs with big penises have invisible poop, too? That, my friend, is what inquiring minds want to know!

Posted by: ironic1 at February 6, 2008 7:02 AM

Ladybugs have big penises? They must be invisible too! I've never seen one.

Poor kid for not pooping! You know, you got to put food in there for it to turn into poo, right?

Posted by: Nadine at February 6, 2008 7:37 AM

P is for Pookies - that's good enough for me.

1. Do the ad - milk it for all it's worth - ask for payment upfront and a limited exclusive so the picture doesn't have an indefinite shelf life.

2. Phantom Poop (and pink cowboy boots) are a symptom of being 2.5 yrs old. We have very similar discussion and wardrobe choices.

3. Get ready because "Ladybugs have big penis" will be one of many "kids say the darndest things" momements yet to come. Sometime I'll have to recount the story when my oldest was relieved to find out that history didn't have a Mr. Testicles - the way it had a Mr. Sandwich and General Sideburn

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at February 6, 2008 7:59 AM

Had not seen the mullet pic until just now.

Kajagoogoo wants their hair back!

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at February 6, 2008 8:05 AM

re: poop motivation. Left a comment on Beth's blog, as well. We had poop withholding issues with our son years ago. We gave him a star on the Poopie Star Chart when he pooped and of course loads of praise. Wasn't a cure-all, but it helped somewhat. Trust me, it eventually works itself out (so to speak). He's 17 now and quite the successful pooper. Anyway, good luck on the poop and I'm sending labor vibes to you both!

Posted by: mooalex at February 6, 2008 8:09 AM

Drew was 2 when DH became a policeman. At the time, he (Drew, not DH) would call the lightbars on a cruiser or a fire truck "woo-woo's". It was very cute. Then a friend of mine purchased a big pickup truck--4WD, diesel engine, and the little running lights on the roof of the cab. He pulled into the driveway to show it off, and as he and his wife were walking up the sidewalk my 2 year old son opened up the front door and yelled "Wow! Mark has big woo-woo's! Look! Look at Mark's woo-woo's!"

It was awesome. And embarrassing.

Posted by: Alissa at February 6, 2008 8:12 AM

Too funny!
I've been sending contractions to Beth. Sorry they haven't gotten there yet. Must be all this bad weather!

Posted by: Maribeth at February 6, 2008 8:32 AM

Awwwwww, invisible poop!

Beth, have that baby!

Detachable Penis is a great song.

Posted by: Poppy at February 6, 2008 8:39 AM

I just rotflmao.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at February 6, 2008 8:43 AM

If you really like spam subject lines check out the song Dream Girls by The Floating Men. Most of the lyrics are spam inspired. You like I turning on?

Posted by: Jason at February 6, 2008 8:55 AM

I'm beginning to think Mia is screwing with you on purpose.

Posted by: Fraulein N at February 6, 2008 9:18 AM

I agree, I think Mia has you "all figured out"!

Posted by: Steff at February 6, 2008 9:30 AM

She's just anticipating the arrival of a baby brother. Don't be surprised by her constant hovering when his diapers are changed. The penis, you know.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at February 6, 2008 9:59 AM

Wait, isn't there a song about a detachable penis? And no, that's not a search I'm going to do at work...

Good luck with all of those "p's".

Posted by: bad penguin at February 6, 2008 10:03 AM

Ladybugs with big penises! Nice. Maybe she won't have an imaginary friend, only imaginary poop...

Posted by: crookedeyebrow at February 6, 2008 10:13 AM

your child is a walking Sigmund Freud case study.

Posted by: kalisa at February 6, 2008 10:14 AM

isabella is obsessed with boobs. mostly MY boobs. she and mia would make a great team!

Posted by: ali at February 6, 2008 10:27 AM

King Missle knew they were detachable...

Posted by: Darren at February 6, 2008 10:34 AM

I love Mia. I want a clone of her to keep around for comic relief and general cuteness.

About the pooping... It's one of Freud's weird stages. I won't go into the details because, well... it's Freud. And thus totally odd. But just know that it's not uncommon. The best way to deal with the Invisible Poop is to feed that kid lots of prunes. No lie. My nephew went through the same thing so his doctor suggested daily dosages of castor oil and lots o' prunes. Field of Dreams, my friend. Promote movement, and the poop will come.

Posted by: GreenCanary at February 6, 2008 10:41 AM

Invisible poop, huh? Maybe that is Claudia's preoblem too.

Posted by: Sarah. Goon Squad Sarah at February 6, 2008 11:03 AM

Soo.....I was just over at your wife's page....lol...dang....I can't believe how many mistakes you've made (everything is your fault). So, what is the deal with the avocado pit? Why is it so large? I assume that was your blunder, too.....right?


I feel for you, I really do.

Posted by: David at February 6, 2008 12:18 PM

You realize that, essentially, the apartment builder people are asking you to be their model? You can add that to your eclectice resume over there on the right!

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at February 6, 2008 12:39 PM

Omg I laughed so hard at this post. :)

We decided to name Jake's hamster Kokopelli, because as far as we knew, it was the God of Mischief and Fun.

Unfortunately there's tales that he's also the God of Fertility who would stalk young maidens that bathed in the river, and had a detachable penis.

I haven't shared that info with the 12 year old.

Posted by: Scattered Mom at February 6, 2008 1:32 PM

We are having the same trouble with poop here in our household with Izzy (2yrs old). She holds it so long, she actually hurts herself when she finally goes. We took her to the pediatrician, which responded with....."Ah, yes, she is a holder."

The dumbfounded looks on our face must have explained that we didn't have a clue what she was talking about. She went on to explain that Izzy is a "classic holder" and we have to control her diet with raisins, prune juice, and the removal of dairy in order to soften her poop. When she holds for more than a few days and the prunes and raisin refuse to push things through, we have to give her a stool softener. With explosive results. Explosive.

Posted by: jen at February 6, 2008 2:21 PM

This is why we don't use anatomical terms. They end up screaming them in public.


Posted by: Edge at February 6, 2008 4:49 PM

File the "ladybugs have big penises" story away to be told again when Mia is a teen and you have the burning desire to embarrass the bejeezus out of her, preferably in front of her friends. :)

Posted by: Librarian Girl at February 6, 2008 5:32 PM

As a parent in teh same poop (or non-poop) boat, I'm finding great success with prune juice. But, lord, did you ever think you'd spend so much time thinking about poop? Seriously.

Posted by: Annie, The Evil Queen at February 6, 2008 5:53 PM

I never knew so many young children were anti-poop and pro-penis.

Posted by: Caleal at February 6, 2008 8:40 PM

"Ladybugs have big penises?" That is SO CLASSIC! :)

Posted by: Zandria at February 6, 2008 11:46 PM

Ok, I forgot about the mullet hair photo. Thanks for the reminder. It almost makes me forgive you for getting the "Detachable Penis" song in my head. Almost.

Posted by: Teenuh at February 7, 2008 3:08 AM

I love Mia stories. Her logic is brilliant. We're the dumb ones.

Posted by: Kristy at February 7, 2008 1:00 PM

Man, this post cracked me up. Maybe I'm not so sad that my kid isn't talking yet.

You have one, sassy firecracker there. Hope #2 appears soon!

Posted by: moo at February 7, 2008 3:34 PM

That's OK, Declan says he has x-ray vision. So he's be able to see *through* her poop.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at February 7, 2008 4:23 PM

Oh the implications of invisible poop...

Posted by: Tink at February 7, 2008 4:42 PM

A little tip. The "poop" may not be poop to you but it is to her. My last kid said he poopied when he stinkered. Maybe she is confused? She may think that everything that comes out is poop. The same child of mine also thought he needed to wipe the penis everytime he peed. Thank god he got over that. Maybe your kids are smarter than mine? Who knows?

Posted by: BID at February 7, 2008 6:34 PM


It's a well known fact that 2 out of 3 children have "poop issues" during the toddler years. Well, that is to say 2 out of *my* 3 did.

I understand the "P" thing. My current P's are

"P" for promotion (which I'm furiously working toward preparing for the board and making "P"oints)

"P" for packing. I'm moving back to my previous Forward Operating Base in a few days and have I ever mentioned how much I hate packing? So much so that it's one thing I seriously "P"rocrastinate on.

"P" for pimples. I believe the stress of my impending move has brought the zit-fairy my way. I'm almost 33...when will I outgrow this???

"P" for the plane I'll be getting on in 2 weeks to go on R&R Leave.

And the last, but not nearly the least of the "P"s is POSTAL. They have not been here in 2 months and I seriously need to mail some stuff. Which in this case is making POSTAL a double meaning. As in...will soon go!!

Have a great weekend and I'll be sending Beth mucho "labor" vibes.


Posted by: Holly Selden at February 8, 2008 11:12 AM

Sending lot of labor vibes her way !

Posted by: Jenn at February 8, 2008 1:50 PM

Awww, who would ever think that saying a ladybug had a penis could be so darn cute?

Posted by: angela at February 10, 2008 2:30 PM

This is great that we are able to get the loans and it opens up completely new possibilities.

Posted by: FarleyShana at March 26, 2011 7:18 AM

Quelqu'un peut-il me dire comment obtenir les avatars peu à montrer dans ma section des commentaires? merci!

Posted by: Lancel at November 18, 2011 4:36 AM