February 29, 2008

The Weeklies #25

The Weekly Worst Moment. Returning to work after two weeks off. It had to be done but it wasn't any fun. The drive to work sucked.

The Weekly Most Inappropriate Thing I Heard Someone Say On A Cellphone In Public. "Yeah, I love how it gets you hot when I spank that big ass of yours...I know that's what you want to do to me...yeah...I'll pick up the kids and see you then."

The Weekly Kid Logic.
Me: We've got a whole lot of ground to cover.
Mia: Let's cover the ground!
Me: No, that's an expression.
Mia: What?
Me: An expression. When I say "we've got ground to cover" I mean that we have a long way we still have to walk.
Mia: But what are we going to cover the ground with?
Me: Uh, our feet!
Mia: No. I don't want to cover the ground with our feet. I want to cover the ground with something real.
Me: Our feet aren't real?
Mia: No. We need something real.

The Weekly Reads. I managed one cheesy, pulp noir novel - Wade Miller'sBranded Woman. I know. Isn't that an awesome title? Not shocking that it was written in 1952. It's fantastic, typical pulp like the kind that start out something like, "I was knocking back a couple of Beams, Jim Beams, and a ham on rye in my office reflecting on the case of the missing runaway-turned-madame I'd just solved when a classy dame with legs that could have stretched from here to Cleveland walked in. Those legs were long, especially since we were in Sacramento and Cleveland wasn't exactly within walking distance."

The Weekly Music. Have you heard of Maritime? They're a damn fine indie band. Check them out. You might like 'em. You should also check out City and Colour's Bring Me Your Love, one of the most beautiful, mellow albums of the year so far. Marah's Angels of Destruction! is also mighty fine. Think of the music Bruce Springsteen would create if he found himself twenty years younger playing in a garage band. You have Marah.

The Weekly Four-Letter Word. Fuck. I have used it mightily this week and it has served me well.

The Weekly Schadenfreude. Prince Harry is fighting in the front lines of Afghanistan. One minute you've got the power and influence to, like, roll around naked in the Crown Jewels and snort cocaine off the midriffs of wannabe princesses and the next you're stuck in a desert. That must suck. Royally. And speaking of wars and deserts, Jessica Simpson is headed to Kuwait to entertain the troops. Haven't they gone through enough?

The Weekly Hypothetical Question. One of your all-time favorite bloggers who generally poses insightful, thought-provoking hypothetical questions has come up dry one Friday. Hypothetically. What hypothetical question would his readers pose in the absence of one of these gloriously brilliant hypothetical questions? If one were - hypothetically, of course - to ask that blogger in his comments, he may actually answer too.

Posted by Chris at February 29, 2008 6:49 AM

Ha! First one under the line this morning. I am so fucking proud! Years, I say, YEARS it has taken me.
Hot Damn! It's gonna be a good day.


If you could capture one moment in time, one experience, and keep it in a closet to revisit any time you wanted, what would it be?

(I'm guessing the bathroom hookup, but, duh, that is soooooooo obvious. Gimmie sumpin I don't esspekt.)

Posted by: Julia at February 29, 2008 7:06 AM

Why haven't you found a way to make a living through your blog/writing? You are massively talented, popular, and a marketing guru. Hypothetically, of course.

Posted by: DebbieDoesLife at February 29, 2008 7:24 AM

The Cellphone thing should give you hope for your future, that even with 2 kids, sex can still be hot! LOL

Mia's musings, perfect. She makes total sense to me!

Hypothetically speaking, I'd ask, "If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?"

I, of course would have the ability to eat anything I want and maintain a killer, drop dead gorgeous figure. (Like I have! LOL, NOT!)

Posted by: Maribeth at February 29, 2008 7:55 AM

Hypothetically, I want to hear what this imaginary future life for you as a famous rock star would be like (wife and kids in tow, of course). What's the perfect genre? Tour? How do you spend your days when the paparazzi won't leave you alone?

Posted by: Bridget at February 29, 2008 8:40 AM

Hulk Hogan just got caught cheating on his wife with a friend of his daughter (30 yrs old). Given these two deplorable options, which would you prefer?

1) Having your wife find out that you cheated on her.
2) Finding out that your wife cheated on you.

Posted by: Brad at February 29, 2008 8:42 AM

The Weekly Four-Letter Word: Fuck was my favorite word this week.

Hypothetically, if you could have a "do/say over" for a past action or utterance, what would you do/say over and why?

Posted by: Maria at February 29, 2008 8:45 AM

They pulled Harry from the front lines after the story went international. Isn't that sweet?

Mia is the most adorable and influential speaker of the 21st century.

I like Brad's question, but I pick 3: have a rock solid enough marriage that neither of you feels any need to cheat, ever. :D

Posted by: Poppy at February 29, 2008 9:03 AM

your actual birth-day is on Feb 29...which day do you put on the legal stuff...do you get to pick, do you always pick the 28th over the 1st? As we all know, a day can change a lot, what if you pick the wrong one

Posted by: shannon at February 29, 2008 9:06 AM

hypthotical question - Do you think it's going to snow tonight?

Posted by: cassie-b at February 29, 2008 9:08 AM

I am fresh out of hypothetical questions this morning. I just wanted to say that (part of) what kills me about your conversations with Mia is how two-sided they are, if that makes any sense. I guess she's gotten to the point where she has a strong point of view and definite opinions, and she isn't afraid to express them. It almost makes me think I'm reading a conversation between a parent and a much older child. Heh. And then she gets to the point about how feet aren't real. The scary part is, I can almost see what she means.

Posted by: Fraulein N at February 29, 2008 9:47 AM

You know, seems to be a lot of hypothetical question asking in your family lately. ;)

Posted by: claire at February 29, 2008 9:49 AM

Given that the only thing we have in life that can't be taken from us is our integrity, that we have to give it away freely and once forfeited, can't be regained....

You have to choose between salvaging your integrity or your reputation. Choosing 'integrity' is going to make your life very difficult and will draw a dark picture of you in the eyes of everyone not familiar with the circumstances, but you'll still be able to respect the person in the mirror. Choosing the other route will enable you to continue on your merry way of success in the eyes of the world. Assume that Beth and Mia and Owen aren't in the picture, so that the decision isn't influenced by having to support them.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at February 29, 2008 9:52 AM

My cell phone conversations are so boring. Thus leading to my question:

If you were bored and wanted to amuse yourself by shocking passersby, what pretend (or real) conversation would you have on your cell phone in public?

Posted by: Alias Mother at February 29, 2008 10:17 AM

Hypothetical question: If you could do anything you wanted to do in life and still be able to support your lovely family, what would you choose? (Remembering the health and welfare of all those concerned.)

Posted by: Krush at February 29, 2008 10:27 AM

What a wonderful daughter you have! And what a great way to introduce her to curiosity and inquisitiveness by allowing these kinds of conversations. You are a great dad!

Posted by: Kate at February 29, 2008 10:43 AM

Oh the word fuck. How I adore it.
I like Alias Mother's hypothetical... but that's only because I do that all the time just to see peoples' reactions.
Hypothetical: You can kill someone and completely get away with it. 100% scott free. No one will no. The person you're killing is someone bad (child molester, mass murderer... someone like that). Do you kill them or does your morality and sense of right/wrong win out?

Posted by: Kate at February 29, 2008 10:45 AM

Seriously, I meant to write "No one will know." Wow. It's a Friday.

Posted by: Kate at February 29, 2008 10:46 AM

My question: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Posted by: GreenCanary at February 29, 2008 11:19 AM

One of these days I'm going to be first. Then I'm going to mark your blog...

...with a little flag or something. Definitely NOT what you were thinking. Ew, Chris. Ew. I don't DO that.

So anyway... What are you wearing on your fake feet today? I'm wearing Jebus sandals.

Posted by: Tink at February 29, 2008 3:00 PM

Chris can you fix Beth's blog so it remembers personal info?? Doesnt work in IE or Firefox.

Oh, that q wasn't hypothetical, I suppose I'd better give one.

If you had the option to live in another time and place for a week, what time would you choose and where?

Posted by: jessica at February 29, 2008 3:01 PM

Here's what my readers have been pondering since last night:

Posted by: Karen at February 29, 2008 3:49 PM

Well. F-bombs were the theme this week at my place too.
So here is the question. My seven year old wants to know what a Rude cactus is?

Posted by: Nat at February 29, 2008 7:19 PM

I can't believe you overheard me on the cellphone.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at February 29, 2008 11:41 PM

What's the appropriate thing to say when one's computer has totally crashed for the second time in three weeks? Everything fried - even the mouse.

I have one other question. Was that a male or female talking on that phone? Who was spanking whom?

Enjoy the rest of your weekend and give my best to Beth please. I don't know when I'll catch up on my reading but assume all is well with the four of you.

Posted by: ann adams at March 1, 2008 4:57 PM

Ahh..the f-bomb. One of my personal favorites. I sometimes add mother to the front and er to the end for particular impact. That's just on the really special days though.

Posted by: Jules at March 1, 2008 7:44 PM

What's with all the jellyfish? Do YOU have a theory?

Posted by: Sphincter at March 1, 2008 7:51 PM

Hypothetical - If you found out you had 2 weeks to live, would you have the time of your life, doing all those things you have always wanted to....or would you spend those 2 weeks putting your affairs in order and quietly slip away?

Posted by: Jen at March 1, 2008 10:52 PM

That phone thing is a little creepy. And why does it remind me of the weirdo in the bulk food store here that masturbates his bare stomach/chest while he waits for customers?

(Only been witness to that horror once, and have never gone back)


Posted by: scatteredmom at March 2, 2008 2:10 PM

About that cellphone conversation? Yes, it's quite inappropriate for public consumption -- but I couldn't help thinking, "Good for them!" (You know, because they have kids but still enjoy talking about what they like and want to do with each other.)

Posted by: Zandria at March 2, 2008 6:09 PM

Just wanted to write a comment about your new arrival, since I so rudely missed that. (But I can't write a comment on the appropriate entry since the comments were closed already). So here is the comment -

What a beautiful story - congratulations to you and Beth, and to Mia, too! You definitely explain well that feeling one has when they meet a new baby, and don't know HOW they are going to love someone as much as their first child. Somehow, you just do! It is like, your heart grows by double, and all that love you had for the first one remains and somehow doubles for that second child. The mothers and fathers who have a dozen kids must have GINORMOUS hearts! :-)

Congratulations again, and I am so happy for you both. You make a GORGEOUS family!

Posted by: Katie at March 3, 2008 3:01 AM

Selfishly, I would ask... Do you ever come by and give me a read? ;)

Posted by: sue at March 3, 2008 6:09 PM

Selfishly, I would ask... Do you ever come by and give me a read? ;)

Posted by: sue at March 3, 2008 6:11 PM

Sorry, didn't mean to get ya twice.

Posted by: sue at March 3, 2008 6:14 PM