March 5, 2008

File This!

It's been a busy work week already and I haven't ingested nearly as much coffee as I need. This explains the lousy attitude I've got. But, in exploring that lousy attitude, I have decided that I know exactly what I want to become when I grow up - a Corporate Asshole. I know what you're thinking - what the hell's a Corporate Asshole? Well, let me tell ya.

Even if you work for a small company, chances are you've had to put up with some self-centered asses. They're universal. They're everywhere. You've probably had to hold your tongue, bite back words and hold back your true feelings about these people. Enter the Corporate Asshole (er, wait, that didn't sound quite right).

The Corporate Asshole is just like any other employee of the company. He or she has a job with responsibilities and a skill-set just like everyone else. But - and this is key - unknown to everyone else in the company is his or her responsibility as the Corporate Asshole. It's a secret. The responsibility is simple - he or she gets paid a little extra to call people out on their crap and voice the frustrations of everyone else in the company. Here are some examples. I think you'll see where I'm coming from.

First, you see this email go out.


Then, inevitably, this.
You're shifting uncomfortably in your seat because you've seen this happen before and it drives you up the wall, right? This is where it would end in most companies. But here is where the Corporate Asshole makes his money. It would go a little something like this.
Smackdown accomplished. Even if you can't be that guy - the Corporate Asshole handing down the whoop-ass - doesn't it feel good to watch? And now everyone's happy except the self-important asshat who, let's face it, brought this on himself. You can, I'm sure, see the brilliance in this plan as well as a host of other applications. It is your responsibility - nay, your duty - to bust the guy who finishes the last of the coffee but doesn't start another pot brewing. If you find someone copying their ass on the Xerox machine, you make a few hundred copies and wallpaper their office door with them. And instead of someone inevitably getting fired after having sexual harassment charges levied against them following a drunken night at the annual holiday party, you get toasty and grab a handful of ass. You can't be fired. It's your job. You are the enforcer and due to the many sacrifices such as this, the office savior. You're like Jesus. But with paper clips and a righteous stapler.

Who wants to back my bid to be the first Corporate Asshole? What job responsibilities have I missed?

Posted by Chris at March 5, 2008 6:33 AM

I would love that job but since you beat me to it do you wanna come work at my office, i can make you a list to start with....
GP x

Posted by: Grilled Pizza at March 5, 2008 7:17 AM

Okay it's yours! But I also wish you could do the writing for the cartoon Dilbert! Your talent at getting right to the point of the offense is so much better than the guy who does that 'toon".

Posted by: Maribeth at March 5, 2008 7:33 AM

lol, I am that guy!!! And those people that respond to all are really dumbasses!!!

Posted by: harrylips at March 5, 2008 7:40 AM

Ugh, I HATE people like that!! Then you get all the people who say "Please take me off this mailing list", then the "STOP REPLYING TO ALL YOU IDIOTS!" Then the "Stop replying to all to tell the to stop replying to all". It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

Apparently there was someone at one of those companies whose initials are N.G. and rhymes with Gunman that sent out an email he meant to send to a friend... and accidently sent it to the ENTIRE company. World Wide. All of the email servers were hung up for at least 20 minutes. (I almost typed 5 days because I was reading your disclaimer at the bottom. -.- Pass the coffee?) Then he tried to recall it.

Needless to say, he got his ass fired.

Posted by: secha at March 5, 2008 7:46 AM

Man, what a great gig. They should spend their time in the HR department reminding HR people that they're really not as impressive as the power they think they wield.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at March 5, 2008 7:54 AM

Don't forget Unreasonable Expectations. All of the Corp. Assholes I have had dealings with are great at having Unreasonable Expectations from way too early live dates for software projects to, supporting a corp IT environment with 2 IT people. Great fun!!

Posted by: Josh at March 5, 2008 8:15 AM

In my world, they are called Legal Assholes. :-)

You hit on one of my biggest pet peeves. "Reply to All" Did you know that "reply to all" will also send replies to the original sender's BCs in Outlook?

Posted by: Maria at March 5, 2008 8:19 AM

okay, I got confused over this post. Maybe I do not have enough work experience or I am too far down the corporate ladder to be a target for this "corporate asshole" but I do think a good job would be the office gossip starter, they rarely work, so obviously no responsibilities, and they get to talk all day. I assume they get a paycheck so, thats what I am applying for!

Posted by: linda at March 5, 2008 8:20 AM

Where do I apply?

Posted by: Shannon at March 5, 2008 8:47 AM

It's been 8 mos since I sat in my humble cubicle so I can't think of any other job duties of the Corp. Asshat. However, I'm with Linda - I'd love to ne the Office Gossip Starter (actually in my last job the Corp. Asshat was also the Office Gossip Starter - I wonder if she got paid double time for that?).

Posted by: Mom On The Run at March 5, 2008 8:49 AM

what about the assholes that eat others peoples lunches people brought from home?!?!? UGH! that happened to me and i was so pissed! the asshole even took the tupperware i brought the lunch in. there must be a way to catch these ball lickers in the act and exploit them. Set up a hidden camera in the pantry areas?? would be a great way to catch people doing lots of nasty shit. ugh, i can only imagine what people might be doing....

Posted by: madmom at March 5, 2008 8:53 AM

See, the Corporate Asshole is also the first to get shot if it ever comes to that. Too dangerous.

Posted by: Fraulein N at March 5, 2008 9:12 AM

"You're like Jesus. But with paper clips and a righteous stapler." <-- This is my new favorite quote.

Posted by: GreenCanary at March 5, 2008 9:50 AM

Oh hell yeah. Sign me up.

How about sending home people who think they are "rugged" and so they believe business casual is a wal-mart sweatshirt, black denim jeans, and black tennis shoes? I don't love dressing up, but if I have to, everyone does.

How about affixing a semi-permanent sign on someone's cube who you have seen repeatedly walk out of the bathroom without washing his hands? "I TOUCH MY PENIS AND THEN MAKE YOUR COFFEE"

Posted by: Brad at March 5, 2008 9:53 AM

we recently moved into a new office space with a tiny little kitchen. No dishwasher and the sink is the size of a camper sink. Tiny. So yesterday I sent out this email to the staff:

"Since we have such a tiny sink in the kitchen, I would like to request that people not set their coffee cups or other dishes and leave them in the sink. Even if you come back later to wash it, it makes it very difficult for the rest of us to wash our dishes. If we had a larger sink it wouldn’t be a problem. But since it’s so small, let’s try not to leave dishes in there and make it easier for everyone to use the sink.

Now, we only have 5 people in my office - me, the president (who, let's face it, can leave dishes in the sink if she wants to.) and 3 others. Needless to say, everyone knows who it is that's leaving their dishes in the sink. Does that make me the Asshole? Gosh, I hope so.

Posted by: kalisa at March 5, 2008 9:57 AM

I started rolling when I got to the "I touch my penis and then make your coffee." And that started a whole deluge of laughter from my co-worker who reminded me that the surgeon we work for never washes his hands and rarely flushes the toilet. When the blue toilet water turns green - yeah. You peed.

Posted by: kate at March 5, 2008 10:10 AM

I will support your bid for Corporate Asshole. I'm trying to think of other duties but you're off to a good start!

Posted by: Sue R at March 5, 2008 10:29 AM

Chris, I hate to be the one to tell you this...and I haven't looked to see if someone else did....but you are way, I mean WAY to nice to be the corporate Asshat.

Posted by: Phoenix at March 5, 2008 10:46 AM

Did I send you this already? I cant remember.

Pure Justification for the Corporate Asshole...but you can *extend the assaholic behaviour to CLIENTS!!!*

Posted by: jessica at March 5, 2008 11:03 AM

I heart your vindictive spirit. :D

I nominate, second the nomination, and push through the vote. You're now That Guy.

Posted by: Poppy at March 5, 2008 12:04 PM

Have you ever seen the "Terry Tate, Office Linebacker" skits that Reebok did? A more physical version of the the Corporate Asshole, he just flattens offenders. They're all on YouTube.

Posted by: Lauren at March 5, 2008 1:07 PM

This entry is awesome:)

Posted by: Cattula at March 5, 2008 2:37 PM

if you can call out and stop whoever keeps drinking my milk from the office fridge, you get the title... and a CAPE!

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at March 5, 2008 4:50 PM

Sounds like an excellent job - and I think I'd be good at it to. If you come across any job listings, feel free to forward them on!

Posted by: Mandy Lou at March 5, 2008 4:59 PM

Sounds like a great job!

Posted by: Dawn at March 5, 2008 6:19 PM

Totally made me think of the Terry Tate skits. They are so awesome.

Posted by: Amy at March 5, 2008 10:30 PM

The CEO of my last co was a real ass. I gave a 5 month notice that I was leaving to be a SAHM for a year or so and even warned him that the Dr. said I would deliver early. I delivered on a Friday and he called me on Monday (actually he had his assistant call) to ask if I could come in that week. He said I had put them in a really bad position by leaving (aka: delivering) 2 weeks before my due date! Ass factor 10! Needless to say, no amount of money that he offered me to come back ever began to touch enough!

Posted by: Mymilabean at March 6, 2008 7:44 PM

you *seriously* make me laugh.

sorry I have been MIA, hope all goes well with you guys.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at March 10, 2008 12:49 AM

I delivered on a Friday and he called me on Monday (actually he had his assistant call) to ask if I could come in that week.

Posted by: Club Penguin at July 24, 2010 7:57 PM