March 12, 2008

Search String Madness: The Four Days in February Edition

Friends, I'm dismayed. My hosting provider managed to crap out on me when it comes to the search logs that I love so bad. My plan was to review them and post the hilarious and vaguely scary results here. But they've somehow managed to delete everything except a few days in February. But I'm not letting that stop me. So here they are - bizarre search strings from approximately four days in February.

  • Free peekshows. Sorry. None of that here. And the term is peepshows. That is, unless you're looking for a hot girl showing off her tips and slaved pushy. Dumbass.
  • Banana bible. "And he said unto the people, gathereth thine banabas and I shall turneth them into daiquiris. And the people rejoiced and had cocktails with those tiny little colorful umbrellas in them. And it was good."
  • Kinetic energy kids. I don't know what the hell it means but it's a great band name.
  • Pooping on someone. You fuckers are sick.
  • Stevie Nicks tattoo. Much clarification is needed. Is this a search for a tattoo Stevie Nicks has? Or is someone actually trying to find a tattoo of Stevie Nicks? Neither is right but that second option is just all kinds of wrong. Rhiannon!
  • Cicadas in Canada. Another great band name.
  • Golfing innuendos. Surely you mean "euphemisms". Like, "hey baby, want to play a round with my wood" or "let me stroke my balls into that hole."
  • Hot ass mess. Interpretation of this is almost entirely hinged upon punctuation. Hot-ass mess is one thing. Hot ass-mess is another, very different, incredibly disgusting one.
  • Thomas Kincaid scandal. Isn't the fact that people shell out thousands of dollars for his paintings scandal enough?
  • Supple ass. Hey, stop groping my ass over the internet. But, uh, thanks.
  • Ron Jeremy McDonalds commercial. Super-size me, indeed.
  • Cactus vibrator. Look, I know it takes all kinds but surely you're kidding. Please. Tell me your kidding.
  • Is Estelle Getty still alive. She sure is. And hott as ever.
  • Do cats burp? No. That's why on very rare occasions, you'll be walking outside watching a cat play and he'll just spontaneously explode.
  • Meaning of tranny. A hot, hot totally heterosexual girl who wants to fuck you. Go for it dude.
  • Search string madness site rudecactus.com. If I both post this and write a marginally witty comment about this particular search string, I'm pretty sure the universe will explode. It's kinda like that Escher drawing of the hand drawing the hand. Okay, I'm going to post. Is the universe still there? Ya'll still out there? Seriously, this is kinda freaking me out. Please...for the love of god, Suzanne Somers and all that is holy, answer me internet?
Posted by Chris at March 12, 2008 7:13 AM
Comments

There are some very sick people in this world.

Posted by: Maria at March 12, 2008 7:58 AM

I need to start keeping a log of the search string to my blog; Wordpress only lets me see two days worth. But someone seriously searched for "funny pictures of Dora getting hurt" and came to my site. heh

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at March 12, 2008 8:03 AM

Lol - thanks for the morning laugh!

Posted by: Mom On The Run at March 12, 2008 8:21 AM

I'm surprised I still have a job. Took a break this morning to read your blog and had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from laughing out loud. I love your blog and this pose was particularly funny. Especially the part about burping cats. And the banana Bible is right up my street.

Posted by: picturefool at March 12, 2008 8:31 AM

Not that I would ever admit to having one (ROTFL) but there IS a cactus vibrator...it is sold through a home sex show...still laughing...It is by Fantasia Party...just so you know...=)

Posted by: Amber at March 12, 2008 8:32 AM

Hahaha, search strings are the best. I like your answer to the searcher for "tranny"! LOL! It reminds me of my brother in law who kissed a tranny on a (drunk) night out, without knowing (while all his friends saw he was kissing a guy, but like good friends, they didn't tell him :)

Posted by: Nadine at March 12, 2008 8:33 AM

argh... ron jeremy again...
and cactus vibrator- another idea stolen from us. am going to go hide now :)

Posted by: stinkerbell at March 12, 2008 8:42 AM

Oh man, now THAT was a good read!
My searches aren't nearly as exciting... well there was the psyllium gagging thing.

Posted by: Holly at March 12, 2008 8:44 AM

I can't track search terms with by Blogger blog, but I can with wordpress. Sometimes the search terms are funny ("I can see down your shirt" was one, and another common one is "Having boobs"n - both terms that make perfect sense to me given some things I've blogged about). Once, though, the search term "My husband hits me" was one - and for all the things I may bitch about my husband for, that has NEVER been the case. I felt so sad for that person! I have no idea how she landed at my blog (I'm sure you wonder that about some of those weird search terms, too!).

Posted by: Sarah at March 12, 2008 8:51 AM

"Hot ass-mess" - I may never be able to scrub that mental picture from my brain.
You have much cooler searches than I do. I did have someone come to my blog having Googled "sad person". That's cool, right?

Posted by: Loth at March 12, 2008 8:51 AM

Your Thigh Master is on the way, all is well.

Posted by: Shelly at March 12, 2008 9:06 AM

Actually, I think "Cicadas in Canada" is a better album name. Sounds like some of the Kinetic Energy Kids' early stuff.

Posted by: Fraulein N at March 12, 2008 9:25 AM

Im sorry, i almost pee'd my pant when i read about the cats exploding....

Posted by: shannon at March 12, 2008 9:40 AM

LOL - the phrases that bring people to your site are always so hilarious. And freaky. I mean, who the hell is searching for "baby tiny penises" and furthermore, how dismayed are they when they reach my site? Ha ha ha, fooled you.

Posted by: claire at March 12, 2008 9:43 AM

OMG Chris Cactus, you made me laugh really hard. Needed that today, thank you.

And, the comment I was trying to make yesterday: The mullet photo make me giggle in embarrassment. :D

Posted by: Poppy at March 12, 2008 9:47 AM

*cricket*

*cricket*

Posted by: Brad at March 12, 2008 9:56 AM

Laughing outloud in the office! And actually having lingering giggles now and then. Thank you! I'm thinking that with a newborn, you're having your fair share of hot ass-messes. That is, if you get to the diaper right away!

Posted by: k8 at March 12, 2008 10:06 AM

Hot Ass Mess - Something our Drill Sergeants said on a regular basis. "You're a hot ass mess, private!!!"

It also seems there is a google video of someone saying they are going to write the "banana bible".

I am amused.

As for some of the others...The world is a scary, scary place!

Posted by: Holly Selden at March 12, 2008 10:46 AM

Okay, good to know that my keyword hits are not the only ones that are weird. Do you suppose our servers are sitting there making this crap up?

Posted by: Maribeth at March 12, 2008 10:55 AM

You have no idea how much I needed this post after the beginning of the week I've had.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Still giggling.

I've looked at my searches and I'm pretty disturbed and disgusted by a few of them, but I have had a lot of fun ones, too.

Posted by: RC at March 12, 2008 11:10 AM

This is hilarious. Cactus vibrator is my fav.

Posted by: jessica at March 12, 2008 11:17 AM

HEY! The Internet Demon ate my comment! Crapola.

Anyhoo, I commented on how "Banana bible" is awesome. And also? Since Jesus turned water into wine, I'm pretty sure he'd get on board with the banana-to-daiquiri thing.

Posted by: GreenCanary at March 12, 2008 12:17 PM

I had to cover my eyes at the gold one. Oddly enough, the hot ass mess one didn't phase me at all. I have issues, want a subscription?

I have to tell you (because I am SO proud) that I never ever get traffic from google, but yesterday if you went into Google Blog Search and typed Boobs into the search box, guess who was the #1 hit? Just guess? That's right, me and my awesome funbags.

Posted by: Mr Lady at March 12, 2008 12:29 PM

Let it be known that I was planning on posting search results tomorrow on my own blog and that I am in no way a copycat of the illustrious Mr. Cactus (not that that would be a bad thing).

That's all for now.

Posted by: Arwen at March 12, 2008 4:54 PM

lol that's quite the four days of searches dude.

Posted by: Teenuh at March 12, 2008 7:54 PM

Man, I LOVE your Search String Madness! I seriously needed the laughs... and laugh I did, out loud. Slaved pushy. And a Stevie Nicks tattoo -- in any shape or form -- is just wrong.

Oh, and your golfing euphemisms were hil-fucking-larious! The icing on the virtual Search String Madness cake!

Posted by: ironic1 at March 12, 2008 8:11 PM

I love when you do this :-D Mine are never as fun!

Posted by: Heather at March 12, 2008 8:39 PM

That cat one made me laugh out loud. Does that make me sick? At the very least, it makes me have a 12-year-old boy sense of humor...

Posted by: Paige at March 14, 2008 9:06 AM


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