March 10, 2008

Missing: One Hour, Last Seen Saturday Night

The weekend was too short. I realize that's pretty much the most obvious statement ever made particularly since the majority of you out there are thinking the exact same thing. But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my disillusionment with the world stemming from the fact that it is, indeed, early on a Monday morning. I'm further disillusioned by the fact that one hour was hijacked from us like an airliner in the Middle East in the 70s. I want that hour back. Now.

Over this 47-hour weekend, there were a few developments in kidland (which should be an amusement park however how many of you would pay $50 to ride the Incredible Sleep Deprivation Coaster or take a spirited plunge down the Spit Up Rapids?).

First, Owen. He spent the weekend growing out of all the newborn stuff we have for him. I have this strange feeling that when I arrive home this afternoon, he'll say "hi dad!", slap me on the back and bench-press my Volkswagen. Along with the increase in size is his increased awareness. His favorite new trick is finding me in a room, holding eye contact and breaking into a great big smile. Okay, I know what you're saying - he probably caught sight of my cool blue Nationals hat, thought it was cool and simultaneously ripped a great big fart. But still, it's pretty cool and I choose to believe he's just happy to see his dad.

Second, Mia. I know things have been moving in this direction for a very long time but on Friday night, Mia and I were hiding under the blanket on my bed and we ended up having a really nice, long conversation. It was the first of many this weekend. I joked around with her, she laughed, she talked about her little brother, I responded. It was like having a conversation with this mature, independent person. Which - holy shit - is exactly what she is. To further confirm this, she was accepted into the preschool we wanted her to attend. Chris, she's old enough for preschool. How in the hell did that happen? (See, this is why I want that fucking hour back.)

One of the many conversations we had took place while I was in the shower on Saturday morning. She likes to come and check on me when I'm showering. Sometimes she'll bring me a towel or pick out my clothes (handy!). Other times, she just sits on the toilet and talks to me. Often, she wants to discuss anatomy. Specifically, my anatomy. "Daddy," she said on Saturday, "you have a really, really big penis!" What, precisely, do you say to that? "Thanks" doesn't seem appropriate.

Finally - in a sign of just how ridiculous this world can be - I sold my mullet. No, I don't currently have a mullet but I sold the one I had in high school. Or, more correctly, I licensed my mullet. Seriously, someone wanted to pay me to use my mullet. More power to them, I say. My Kentucky waterfall is your Kentucky waterfall. Check it out over here (click the why buy now link at the bottom for my now-famous mullet in all its glory. And before you ask, no, I don't sign autographs.

Posted by Chris at March 10, 2008 6:32 AM

I want that hour back too. My weekend was really good, but too busy and way too short. The use of the mullet is quite funny. It sounds like you had a great weekend.

Have a good week!

Posted by: goodsnake at March 10, 2008 7:15 AM

AAAhhhhh!!!!! That picture is a riot! Not only a mullet but did I see highlights too?? Where can I sign up? I have some amazing mall hair photos from the '80's - who wants 'em?

Posted by: DebbieDoesLife at March 10, 2008 7:47 AM

Why don't my bad fashion and hair choices ever make *me* money?

Guess I should have gotten that mullet when I had the chance. :)

Posted by: caleal at March 10, 2008 7:53 AM

I don't know if I would have admitted that to everyone (re: the mullet) but maybe that's just me.

Posted by: SciFi Dad at March 10, 2008 7:58 AM

The other night at the supper table one of my boys asked me "Mom? Why are some penises bigger than other penises?"

Perhaps I should direct them to you for that answer :-)

Posted by: Alissa at March 10, 2008 8:12 AM

My daughter Emily was little, 17 she towers over me, but...when she was 3 my ex came home to find Emily standing on the coffee table naked with a tissue stuck in her butt. She turned around, bent over and said, very proudly:

"Daddy, wanna pick my flower?"

I still laugh at this to this day.

I think he turned three shades of red and told her that it was something she had to do for herself, but what a pretty flower.

Made you laugh, didn't I?

Posted by: Julia at March 10, 2008 8:20 AM

Yeah, I looked all over for that hour yesterday and damned if I didn't find it. However, it did choose to mock me this morning on both my alarm clock and car radio, neither of which I changed yesterday. Thank god for my self-changing phone, which I use as a back-up alarm.

When it comes to kids, I'm afraid to admit I'm a lot like Adam Sandler's character in "Big Daddy". I mean, I know enough not to ask a six year old if he/she needs a bottle but I would seriously be all, WHY ARE YOU WALKING UPRIGHT? YOU ARE THREE SECONDS OLD! I have limited knowledge of children and am always amazed when they can hold such lengthy and coherent conversations at such young ages. I mean, I'm 30 and I can't do that. heh

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at March 10, 2008 8:24 AM

Awe shucks and I was going to ask for your autograph!

I'm with you on that lost hour thing. I am just not right. I want that extra hour for sleep!

Happy Monday!

Posted by: Maribeth at March 10, 2008 8:27 AM

big people chats with the kids are great!!!
um, need to look into that mullet post - very curious!

Posted by: Holly at March 10, 2008 8:34 AM

oh there are no words.....the mullet? the penis? where does one begin?

But if it makes ya feel better, I got asked the following yesterday: "mommy how does the baby get OUT of your belly? There is no hole in your belly!" YIKES!

Posted by: Kris at March 10, 2008 8:34 AM

Hopefully they are paying you well.

Posted by: william at March 10, 2008 8:39 AM

Haha your mullet pic fits in very well on the site, there :-) And I'm glad they didn't steal from you, like so many sites seem to do to bloggers!
And as to Mia's observation - don't get too excited - I'm guessing she's comparing you to Owen ;-)

Posted by: Heather at March 10, 2008 8:46 AM

I want the hour two. Heck, give me 10! Thanks for the a.m. laugh (Big Penis) and the tears - kids DO grow too fast.

Posted by: Amber at March 10, 2008 8:46 AM

Cringeworthy. Pre-coffee, too. You're killing me. The declaration of your well-hungitude was a bonus, though.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at March 10, 2008 8:50 AM

You're famous!

Posted by: Fraulein N at March 10, 2008 8:58 AM

I love that photo. More power to you, Chris.

Losing that hour is throwing me off. I did not consent to it.

Posted by: Maria at March 10, 2008 9:21 AM

The mullet thing... that is hysterical. I mean for real???

Love the conversations as well... it is just fun and truly a sign of change but cool at the same time. Also, I avoid Matthew like the plague when showering because of his questions... well like you, I mean what do you say to some of them???!!! It is funny yet disturbing all once. Although those questions are something I will file away to embarrass him if need be when he is 16! I kid! I kid!

Posted by: Christina at March 10, 2008 9:21 AM

That pic is hilarious. And hey, I wore legwarmers over my jeans.

The penis comment will be even funnier when she announces it to her preschool class and teachers. Will make for interesting parent/teacher conferences. ;)

Posted by: Greta at March 10, 2008 9:30 AM

Oh. The mullet photo. PRICELESS *laughing*

Posted by: GreenCanary at March 10, 2008 10:36 AM

Wow, you're the poster boy for "regret". The pride must be overwhelming.

Oh, and nice penis. Your meat stick is gargantuan to a 3 year old. All I got was "I see your penis!", which, I guess I should be glad she could see it?

Posted by: Brad at March 10, 2008 10:44 AM

But think of it this way, this year you've GAINED one whole day! ;-)

Just like I knew Christian was going to win Project Runway, I knew your mullet is going to be super famous one day. I mean, outside the Rude Cactus universe, that is.

Posted by: oakley at March 10, 2008 11:24 AM

Oh. My. God.

That's radical. To the max.

Posted by: Mr Lady at March 10, 2008 12:41 PM

Well, I'm not sure if it was sleep deprivation, stupidity, or just plain DST rebellion but my weekend was lengthened, not shortened.

Because I turned all the clocks the wrong way. So I was 2 hours late to work. Luckily, it didn't matter even one bit.

Posted by: jessica at March 10, 2008 1:25 PM

Awesome choice for licensing your mullety likeness! Also, nice job on the big, uh, equipment. I just wonder whether you're setting Mia up for disappointment or awe when she (someday, 80 or 90 years from now) views the penis(es) of (an)other adult male(s). Right now, she just has Owen for comparison!

Oh, and also also? Mondays f-ing suck and weekends are never even vaguely long enough. Bleh.

Posted by: shelley at March 10, 2008 1:56 PM

OMG!! I SWEAR to you, THAT picture (along with other mullet pics) came to me in an email some time back!! It was titled 'bad hair' or 'bad mullets' or something like that, but I remember your picture being in it.

LOL @ Mia and her obsession with your penis!!! Do you think you should worry about that?

Posted by: been there, done that at March 10, 2008 2:10 PM

Ask if they want mall hair!!!! I had great mall hair - huge 80s mall hair! **jumping up and down that my mall hair could be worth something, even though my mom always said I would regret it**

As for Mia's comment, you realize you just set yourself up for some interesting google searches, right? ;-)

Posted by: RC at March 10, 2008 2:41 PM

since i was in st. lucia for the big time switch...i feel like it really doesn't owe me anything. haha.

Posted by: ali at March 10, 2008 3:06 PM

hahaha. oh man thanks for the life. That mullet is so freakin awesome!

Posted by: punk rock mom at March 10, 2008 3:16 PM

Your mullet being in that ad brought tears to my eyes. Literally. From stifling a gigantic laugh while I took a mental health break at work reading your blog. Dude, you're going to kill me if you keep bringing your mullet up!! ;)

Posted by: Teenuh at March 10, 2008 5:11 PM

My husband says that is there has to be daylight savings time, we should have to change the time on a Wednesday instead of during the weekend. I totally agree, but if I had my way, they would do away with changing the time at all.

Posted by: Carrie Jo at March 10, 2008 6:33 PM

One Word.


Whoo that totally sums up that hair-do!I love that someone bought your mullett.

Posted by: SleepyNita at March 10, 2008 6:42 PM

It actually looks like you used a curling iron to make that mullet really sparkle. ;-) Sweet...

Posted by: Amy at March 10, 2008 7:14 PM

Dude, I sure hope it was a nice little sum of money you received for the use of that mullet, er, picture... Man, the things we did/wore and look back on now. I have plenty of that in MY virtual closet.

You've got some rockin' kids doing some pretty rockin' stuff! That is way cool. 'Cept for the one-sided penis conversation stuff...

I, too, would like my much-deserved, much-needed hour back. Where can I sign a petition?!?? However, it was REALLY nice to leave my Jazzercise class this evening at 6:45 and still have it be daylight! It's a trade-off, I guess.

Posted by: ironic1 at March 10, 2008 9:07 PM

That is more than just a mullet, my friend. The perfectly brushed bangs? The highlights? It almost looks like you used a curling iron on the back. That is just...perfection. Props to you for rocking the mullet and rocking it HARD!

Posted by: Meegan at March 10, 2008 9:30 PM

You mullet prostitute!!! I do hope you were paid handsomely for the use of your image!

Posted by: coolchick at March 10, 2008 9:43 PM

Oh, by the way.... does your mullet have an agent?? *snicker*

Posted by: coolchick at March 10, 2008 9:44 PM

dude, they named your picture "Regret." I hope they paid you a pretty penny for that.

Posted by: kalisa at March 10, 2008 10:24 PM

C'mon, you've got to stop it with that mullet're killing me...I can't. stop. laughing! Who am I to talk, I married a guy that still had one far too long into the 90's!

And congratulations on the..ahem..endowment...but then you do realize that's coming from a little person that probably plays with Little People on a regular basis. :-)

Posted by: Judy at March 11, 2008 12:51 AM

The mullet is famous! That's way awesome.

Posted by: Dawn at March 11, 2008 6:16 PM

I can't get over that you "sold" your mullet! How funny is it that they contacted you and wanted the photo? Crazy!

Posted by: Zandria at March 11, 2008 10:44 PM