March 25, 2008

To Whom It May Concern


Dear Nice Elevator Guy,

I hold elevators for everyone. Usually people are nice. They say 'thanks' or something. That's cool. But today, when you got in the elevator in the parking garage, you set the bar a little higher.

You: Thank you! That was really nice of you.
Me: My pleasure. What floor?
You: Oh, you're on the floor under me but I won't hit the button so you can get down first.
Me: Come on - you don't have to do that.
You: No, this time of day, everyone wants to get home to their families. I'm sure you're no exception.
Me: I'm not in that much of a hurry, but thanks.
You: It was nice of you to hold the elevator. So, thank you.

I'd had a hard Monday, been thinking that the world was kind of sucky. But you, single-handedly, turned my attitude around. So, thanks.


Dear Flickr Asshat Commenter,

I'm so glad you checked out my photos. And so glad you left a comment on one of my self-portraits. There were a couple of issues I had with the comment though.


First, I'm not Asian. I once convinced a coworker that I was born on mainland China simply because he was being a xenophobic asshat (sound familiar?) and even regaled him with fake Chinese until he believed me. But I'm not Asian. And contrary to what you may think, I'm proud to be an American ('cos at least I know I'm free). I don't happen to agree with our current management, so I often wear a t-shirt expressing that sentiment. That's my right. So I respectfully disagree with your entire argument and overall sentiment in general. And I respectfully inform you that your grammar and spelling fucking suck.

The Dirty Asian*

Dear Harley-Riding Dad With A Ten Year Old Kid Riding Bitch Strapped On To You With A Bungee Cord,

What the fuck were you thinking?

Yours in Christ,

* P.S. Thank you Krystyn for the head's up and watching my ass. Figuratively, of course.

Posted by Chris at March 25, 2008 6:19 AM

Ahhh, blog letter writing. One of my favorite activities....or as I like to call it....Blogtivities.

Glad to hear your Monday got a little lift. It's refreshing to be reminded to have faith in humanity again -- especially on a Monday.

I'm sure it got even better when you got home to your lovely little family!

Posted by: Caitlin at March 25, 2008 7:38 AM

Is it wrong that I got enjoyment from the irony of you wrote "contrary to what you may thing" in a paragraph where you hack on someone else's spelling sucks?

He was an asshat; that's for sure.

Posted by: SciFi Dad at March 25, 2008 7:53 AM

And in true karmic justice, my comment above has poor grammar.

Sometimes it feels like the universe it out to get me.

Posted by: SciFi Dad at March 25, 2008 7:54 AM

It's a scary thing, but I have started using the word asshat in conversation. My sister asked me where I'd heard this strange contraction? I told her some Asian guy uses it all the time! (bubbling with laughter!!!)

Posted by: Maribeth at March 25, 2008 8:00 AM

What a nice elevator guy! That would have TOTALLY made my day!

I hope you didn't let the Flickr commenter ruin your day. Some people are just stupid. Like the guy on the Harley, apparently...

Posted by: Alissa at March 25, 2008 8:07 AM

Yesterday morning, one of our grad students came in and gave me a hug, just because. It made my day awesome.

Also, I had no idea you lived in Brownsville, TX! Or Vancouver, WA. Or any number of border towns around this fine country. WTF? I hate people sometimes.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at March 25, 2008 8:51 AM

oh my good heavens! thank goodness for elevator guy... the other 2 can go fly a very high kite (sorry, that's about as witty as I could get today).

Posted by: Holly at March 25, 2008 8:58 AM

I know I probably shouldn't laugh at ignorant asshats but I can't help it. Glad elevator guy was there to balance the universe out.

Posted by: Fraulein N at March 25, 2008 9:11 AM

I laughed til my throught hurt.

Posted by: william at March 25, 2008 9:13 AM

I laughed til my throught hurt.

Posted by: william at March 25, 2008 9:13 AM

The first letter made me teary eyed. I've had that kind of month, so thank you for sharing.

I nearly peed my pants laughing at the second. The comment was funny, but your response was hysterical.

The last one would have raised my blood pressure.

Posted by: Maria at March 25, 2008 9:26 AM

Duckie, yes. Asian, No.

Posted by: linda at March 25, 2008 9:27 AM

First and Foremost, every Asian I have ever met is impeccably clean and well groomed.

Secondly, people who try to berate others for having an opinion that differs from their own make me want to stick my finger down my "throught".

Posted by: Mymilabean at March 25, 2008 9:30 AM

"yours in Christ"


Posted by: moo at March 25, 2008 9:35 AM

I live in South Dakota, so the Harley Riders are prolific. I've seen so many horrific combinations of riders that I try to not look anymore, but seriously, this one takes the cake.

Posted by: k8 at March 25, 2008 9:45 AM

Yes, sure. I can totally see the Asian in you. My only question was whether you were Chinese or Vietnamese. Or perhaps that rare breed of caucasian. Hard to say, really.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at March 25, 2008 9:51 AM

Wait just a minute. You're not Asian?


Posted by: alfredsmom at March 25, 2008 10:00 AM

What's wrong with me that the Nice Elevator Guy pissed me off with his niceness?

Posted by: GreenCanary at March 25, 2008 10:17 AM

Come on, now. At least the Harley Dad was trying. Yeah, it was dumb. But he was taking his kid out for a nice motorcycle ride...spending time with the kid. That's more than can be said for a lot of parents. And the bungee cord? Again, dumb, but he THOUGHT he was doing something good.

And really, isn't this just Natural Selection at work? :)

Posted by: Leilani at March 25, 2008 10:41 AM

I love how all of the ra ra ra get out of america you damn communist people all forget that our country was founded on the concept of free speech. :\

Posted by: Hope at March 25, 2008 10:46 AM

In Thailand, you can find the entire family of 5 on one moped; usually dad, and occasionally mom too, was the only one with the helmet. The Harley thing? Not that surprising to me.

The elevator guy? Very nice. I found chivalry alive and well in my building with guys waiting for the ladies to get on/off the elevator first, holding the door open or opening it for you, even. Doesn't seem to see much of that down in my suburban hell. LOL.

And as a Dirty Asian, I am offended. We're not dirty. We probably shower more than you do a day (it's so damn hot)! In all seriousness, dude's an asshat, I must agree.

Posted by: oakley at March 25, 2008 10:48 AM

at least he didn't call you a dirty sanchez.

Posted by: ali at March 25, 2008 11:29 AM

Love the nice elevator guy, and am happy to say I get to see some of this in action about twice a month. I work around some pretty nice people.

The flickr account guy - WTF? Good grief. I'm wondering if he is married to the "nice woman" who took the time to leave comments on my blog about how I'm an evil woman for working outside the home when I have kids. I'm kind-of disappointed I deleted that comment now. I thought about quoting the bible back at her, but decided I wasn't going to get into it with her. She pretty much informed me that I had "no right to have a child," and was a bad example to the "good Christian mothers."

Harley guy with son? Don't get me started. I'm the firefighter that will be cleaning that up and trying not to envision my son in a similar situation as I do it. Right up there with letting your young child bounce around in the open tailgate of a truck.

Posted by: RC at March 25, 2008 11:57 AM

#1: I thought you were going to say something bad. I'm glad that stayed a positive situation for you. :)

#2: My mouth gaped open and I gasped out loud. Who calls people "dirty Asian"?!?!?? What a fuckhead.

#3: Wow. Just... um, child protective services?

PS - "Yours in christ" always makes me giggle.

Posted by: Poppy at March 25, 2008 12:15 PM

I just laughed so hard I startled the baby. Thanks.

Posted by: samantha jo campen at March 25, 2008 1:02 PM

Thanks for the chuckle.
Sometimes, I think I enjoy talking to strangers more than some of the people I know. It's so string-free.

Posted by: christina at March 25, 2008 3:15 PM

I was so happy after the first letter - I should have stopped there. It made me believe in humanity again, well, till I got to the second one oh and the third one.

Posted by: Mandy Lou at March 25, 2008 3:15 PM

What a madman! That rude dude on Flickr!

And that guy in the elevator is so cool!! what luck!

Posted by: Jenty at March 25, 2008 4:52 PM

It cracks me up how comments like those always have the worst grammar and spelling. Like they are just getting their hands out of the primordial goo long enough to type a few letters filled with stupidity and hate.

I am also sad to see that Asians have been relegated to the border towns. That must be really hard for you, Chris.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at March 25, 2008 5:06 PM

Dear AmericanPride2,

Speaking of acceptance, pride, and the proper treatment of others, didn't your mother ever teach you that it's not polite to, um, glought?

P.S. Yes we can.

Posted by: jessica at March 25, 2008 5:40 PM

I love your pictures. Très cool.

Posted by: Mike at March 25, 2008 10:04 PM

Is it wrong that I am still laughing that someone thinks an entire continent is dirty?

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at March 25, 2008 11:06 PM

I think my favorite part is how AmericanPride2 spelled "throught"

Posted by: kimblahg at March 26, 2008 2:34 AM

I think my favorite part is how AmericanPride2 spelled "throught"

Posted by: kimblahg at March 26, 2008 2:35 AM

I really like the elevator story. The other jagoff will never experience stuff like that because he's always going to be looking for things to go wrong and creating self-fulfilling prophecies. Maybe one of them will come true, and someone will shove a yellow cowboy hat up his ass! Glad I found your blog on Alltop. -Jeremy @ Discovering Dad

Posted by: Jeremy Neal at March 26, 2008 4:21 AM

Whoa. That dude has some SERIOUS issues.

P.S. You don't even look remotely Asian, let alone "dirty" Asian.

Posted by: Tink at March 26, 2008 4:04 PM

The nice elevator guy seems amazing. He seems to be on the same level with the guy in my office who brought in cinnamon bun things and Starbucks coffee today. I think I thanked him no less than 12 times.

Posted by: Emily at March 26, 2008 9:33 PM

Quelqu'un peut-il me dire comment obtenir les avatars peu à montrer dans ma section des commentaires? merci!

Posted by: Lancel at November 18, 2011 4:39 AM