April 15, 2008

Hookers, Crack, Midgets and The Baby Jesus: The Perfect Storm

A couple of weeks back, I got an interesting question from a long-time reader. I'm not trying to out her. As a matter of fact, I wrote her back and asked if I could talk about this on my site. And I know that she asked the question out of curiosity, not to give me a hard time. Anyway, here's what she asked.

I've gathered that your religious preference is to not have one and I've kinda gathered that you do not believe in God and Jesus being the son of God etc etc etc (correct me if I'm wrong). I also remember you posting on how you hated going to a Baptist bible school growing up. So, here's the question. If you don't believe in the power of God or things happening in Jesus name (which I don't agree with, but totally respect your right to believe so), why would you "mock" (for lack of a better word) his name and use it in so much in your writings?
Good question, huh? Let me answer.

My sense of humor is based, in part, on being vaguely inappropriate. I'm a big fan of fart jokes too. There's an off-chance I stuck my tongue out at Beth during our wedding ceremony. When one of the Harry Potter books came out, Beth and I went to a bookstore at midnight and waited in line for its release. We spoke very loudly about how sorry we were that our nephew Timmy couldn't join us but that we hoped he recovered quickly from the savage lobster attack he'd been the victim of at a local seafood restaurant. In elevators I'll strike up conversations with willing participants about a made-up relatives' sex change or raging case of genital herpes all for the benefit of my fellow passengers. My days aren't complete unless I've made mention of crack in at least one meeting. And my blog fodder frequently involves midgets, hookers and the baby Jesus at odd moments.

My religious beliefs really have nothing to do with my sense of inappropriateness. I'm likely to offend each of you at some point. It's only a matter of time. Sure, I had a pretty crappy time as a kid in a religious school, but that doesn't compel me to blog about the baby Jesus any more than my childhood experience with crack-smoking midget hookers caused me to target other members of a diverse social strata. I say these things because they are - in my mind - funny. Funny because they are untrue, inaccurate or are just plain irrelevant to the discussion at hand. Funny because they have no place coming out of my mouth (or, in this case, fingers).

I'm a very open-minded guy. I appreciate people from all walks of life and faiths. People who have faith are people for whom I have a great amount of respect. People who face adversity - whether they're spiritually challenged, undersized in an oversized world or turn tricks for cash to pay the rent - every day deserve respect, more than I can give or take away with a simple, half-assed post written at 6:00 in the morning without the benefit of a cup, or pot, of coffee. More basic, it takes all kinds to make the world spin. How boring would the world be if everyone was the same? Me? I have faith in the enduring comedy of midgets, hookers and the baby Jesus.

So, you can see that I take reader mail seriously. Do you have something you're dying to know? Something you've always wondered? Well, just ask. Seriously. Now. You know you wanna.

Posted by Chris at April 15, 2008 6:34 AM

Ay, bloody good answer. :))

Posted by: Alex at April 15, 2008 6:55 AM

Okay, do all of these truly strange bathroom scenarios really happen, or are you just an story telling genius?

Posted by: Maribeth at April 15, 2008 6:57 AM

The inappropriate comments compel me to return frequently because I find it funny too.

What is the funniest/most absurd thing that ever happened to you?

Posted by: Maria at April 15, 2008 7:01 AM

I personally love the way you write and your wacky sense of humor. We need more inappropriate people out there. I'm fortunate enough to have found enough of my people (others who engage in apparent inappropriate behavior) at work and in life to know it’s perfectly fine to be this way. And what day would be complete without talk of midgets, sex toys and the baby Jesus?

Posted by: Greta at April 15, 2008 7:02 AM

Great post today, Chris. Thanks for sharing! Obviously, it's so hard to write about this kind of stuff on a public blog because you sometimes feel so attacked with the responses you get. But seeing a question and answer/post so respectful of others' views (like this one) makes it such a nice place to visit.

Posted by: Courtney at April 15, 2008 7:09 AM

Ahh, yes, the inappropriate sense of humor. My dear husband is blessed with the same. After many, many years of listening to him, I totally get your sense of humor and can appreciate your jokes. I think you and Andy would get along quite well :-)

I'm not asking anything. You seem to be a pretty open book. I figure if I keep reading that eventually I'll learn anything that I want to know!

Posted by: Alissa at April 15, 2008 7:16 AM

You write inappropriate blog material??? Wow, hadn't noticed! ;) I guess my humor tends toward yours as well. I mean I say or think similar things that you write quite often so I guess I am on the same level? Perhaps that is why I am compelled to read your blog!

Posted by: Christina at April 15, 2008 7:27 AM

I enjoy your twisted sense of humor. It reminds me of my husbands- no topic is sacred to him. He says he is an equal opportunity insulter......

Posted by: Lisa at April 15, 2008 7:27 AM

You have to follow the comedy trail. Sometimes it takes you strange places, Like hookers and Midgets, but you have to follow it.

Posted by: william at April 15, 2008 7:30 AM

I truly think it is a sense of humor thing. There are a lot of people who can't joke about the things that they love. I'm the opposite. I think Dooce is funny because she talks about irreverent behavior with her child of the same age as mine. She is most often exaggerating or just making it up for humor's sake. I have kids the same age and find it hilarious. Why can't people find humor in their religion? It's truly funny. And so are you.

The one thing I want to know. Hm. Do you ever regret yours and Beth's decision for her to stay at home? There are people out there who have always had daycare, and their kids don't even remember it when they grow up. However, they had the benefit of an extra $XX,XXX a year to pay down the debt and save for college and retirement. (I'm slanting this a bit for effect)

Posted by: Brad at April 15, 2008 8:19 AM

I find a great deal of humor in my religion. I think some things are so serious that they can't help but be laughed at, because we'd all go crazy if we didn't. And irreverent humor? That's a specialty in our house. :D

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at April 15, 2008 8:34 AM

I dunno if your sense of the absurd comes from the same place, but for me, anything anyone takes too seriously seems to be game for me. When anything, be it religion, politics, celebrity, midgets or whatever gets to be a burning hot issue, that's when it's most ripe for mockery. At least in my little world. It's a wonder my ass hasn't been kicked from one end of the country to the other. But I think Canadians in general have a less agressive nature. Just my take... feel free to mock. ;)

Posted by: martin at April 15, 2008 9:00 AM

Long time Christian, frequent user of 'Sweet baby Jesus' exclamations. Christians who believe that our Lord and Savior and His Father have nothing better to do than *gasp* at such things need get a bit of a grip.

What is the hardest thing that you've ever had to deal with and have you ever been brought close to the edge of doing something permanently disabling like, let's say, suicide? People who have come through stuff like this tend to be significantly higher levels of impressive for their ability to grasp what is and isn't important in life. You strike me as that guy, so I'm wondering.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at April 15, 2008 9:03 AM

As a long time church worker (thank God I work there no more), I had to laugh at the question and then laugh even more at the response.

One of the ways I became effective at being a youth director was by being irreverent. Kids don't ask questions until you make it okay for them to do so. And if you can't joke about the serious stuff (or what is purported to be serious), you're screwed. And it's probably one of the reasons the kids respected me and the pastors disliked me.

Your sense of humor is refreshing and I look forward to it. I'll just keep reading.

Posted by: k8 at April 15, 2008 9:19 AM

You're going to hell boy!

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at April 15, 2008 9:19 AM

Good news: I'm just like you!
Bad News: I'm also a high school teacher and my audience are 14 and 15 year olds.

Yes, I am familiar with the interior of the Vice Principal's Office, why do you ask?

Posted by: Jacqueline at April 15, 2008 9:29 AM

I've definitely noticed that bloggers who claim to not believe in Jesus/God are the ones that mention him the most. Never thought too much about the why and what for of it. Like your answer though.

And "W" is still HOTT! MMM mmmmm.

Posted by: Leilani at April 15, 2008 10:05 AM

Perhaps this will disappoint you, but I don't think you've actually offended me once. But please- keep trying!

(I was told last weekend at a wedding that I made god cry. I considered my work there finished.)

Posted by: heels at April 15, 2008 10:54 AM

Jesus, Joseph, and Vishnu! Well, kid, if someone thinks you may be going to hell for this, I'll just see you there. I'm Buddhist, so I'll be going to hell first anyway. Although I wonder if my hell and your hell would be in walking distance.

That's what I love about you, an equal opportunity offender with knack for irrelevancy! :)

My question to you: What is your fascination with putting things on your head?

Posted by: oakley at April 15, 2008 10:56 AM

Ok, what's your address so I can stalk you? Kidding!

On a serious note, I do really love baby Jesus references. I watched Talladega Nights just this weekend. When they get to the part where he is praying to 8 lb 6 oz tiny baby Jesus, well, I laughed so hard that Natural Ice came out my nose! Also, I like that his buddy says he likes to picture Jesus is a tuxedo t-shirt b/c it says "I wanna be formal, but I'm here to party". Classic!

Posted by: Mymilabean at April 15, 2008 10:59 AM

While I hate fart jokes, I do giggle every time someone mentions the baby Jesus. And dude, nobody loves Jesus more then I do.

I'm super religious. I think I'm mildly cool. I also appreciate funny things.

And Cactus, midgets are funny.

Bring it.

Posted by: Isabel at April 15, 2008 11:07 AM

Both of you have a wacky sense of humor and it's right up my alley. I'm not sure it's possible to offend me.

Having my integrity questioned does...but that is about it.


Posted by: Holly Selden at April 15, 2008 11:07 AM

I am not sure I don't take this a bit personally. :)

Posted by: Mr Lady at April 15, 2008 11:41 AM

Goes along with the off-colored statement "My body is not a temple, it's an amusement park". Keep doing your humor thing cuz you're full of chewy, nutty goodness.

Posted by: Lisa at April 15, 2008 12:24 PM

Inappropriate topics and questions always make people feel they can be more open, and I do appreciate that humor for that reason.

I respect just about everyone, and always want to know more about the beliefs of others. At the same time, I can find humor in my own beliefs, and hope that others are okay if I find the humor in their beliefs. It is never said with intentional disrespect or to poke fun.

Our world is too offended by EVERYTHING, so I appreciate when I'm around people who aren't just looking to be offended. Thank you for being that way, yet having some underlying respect for various beliefs.

(And there was lots of laughter and jokes at our wedding - held in a Lutheran church. Many people enjoyed it, yet others thought we were disrespectful and took offense, even though we didn't do anything directed at the beliefs of our church. Imagine that... Happily, I have a pastor with a pretty good sense of humor that realizes humor is a good thing. Glad you had humor in your marriage ceremony, too.)

Posted by: RC at April 15, 2008 1:41 PM

Everyone should be able to laugh at themselves from time to time, and that includes their chosen religion. That's how I see it anyway.

And I'm waiting for you to offend me, but you're going to have to work a lot harder!

Posted by: Mandy Lou at April 15, 2008 3:41 PM

Everyone should be able to laugh at themselves from time to time, and that includes their chosen religion. That's how I see it anyway.

And I'm waiting for you to offend me, but you're going to have to work a lot harder!

Posted by: Mandy Lou at April 15, 2008 3:41 PM

You know, I think it's really hard to offend me - but keep trying. I don't take offense at much and find it's because I have a choice in how I react to things - and when it comes to reading your posts, I see the humor there. And not being a religious person, those kinds of things aren't going to trip my trigger anyway.

Posted by: Sarah at April 15, 2008 4:24 PM

You just defended yourself like you're some kind of guilt-ridden Christian! gasp!

(Not that there's anything wrong with them.)

Posted by: Poppy at April 15, 2008 5:39 PM

Speaking of crack, I think I have told you this before but, Bryan once told a coworker's 12 year old son to ask for crack for Christmas. Really, it was funny in context. Kinda. Point being, I know your types.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at April 15, 2008 6:15 PM

great answer!

Posted by: Dawn at April 15, 2008 6:35 PM

Strength lies in differences NOT similarities!

Very god question and answer!

I do not shock easily...been there, done that, smoked the crack pipe =) just kidding...

Posted by: Amber at April 15, 2008 7:43 PM

Opps...must have been a Freudian slip...God vs good...

Posted by: Amber at April 15, 2008 7:45 PM

Please keep up the good work.
Everyone needs a little Jesus mocking in their lives.
And crack smoking.
And baby seal clubbing.

Posted by: Caitlin at April 15, 2008 7:53 PM

I find it liberating to know that other people say the things that I think. I'll be sure to mention herpes or hookers the next time I strike up a conversation in an elevator. Don't change!

Posted by: Jeremy Neal at April 15, 2008 8:22 PM

I really want to hear more about your vegetarianism (since I'm into that right now). Why? For how long? Is Mia vegetarian?? Do you eat a lot of soy...??

Posted by: Haley-O at April 15, 2008 8:42 PM

I don't find you offensive in the slightest. I know it's all in good fun. :)

Posted by: Zandria at April 15, 2008 9:45 PM

My question is this: If two trains are traveling in opposite directions at 55 and 78 mph respectively, at what point will the Baby Jesus meet the crack-smoking midget hooker and lay hands on her/him to heal her/him of her/his genital herpes/sex change operation?

I'll take my answer off the air.

Posted by: Elaine at April 15, 2008 10:10 PM

Sweet baby jesus and crack whores are right up there with me. Love it. Totally get it and you (actually I probably don't but really enjoy your insights and whitney humour) and that's why I read. BTW love the personal replies to all comments. That's why I keep coming back.

My question to you is this. If you were in a sinking boat with sweet baby jesus, a midget and crack whore who would you sacrifice for your own life? And why?

Posted by: Beth at April 16, 2008 5:55 AM

Do you think your bathroom encounter is a direct result of this post ("I'm a big fan of fart jokes too.")?


Posted by: laura at April 17, 2008 10:46 AM

If you want to buy a house, you will have to get the loans. Furthermore, my sister always uses a collateral loan, which seems to be the most firm.

Posted by: JUSTINE20Stuart at June 27, 2011 11:58 PM