April 1, 2008

I Think I'll Move To Australia*

Yesterday sucked. I felt like Alexander, he of the terrible horrible no good very bad day fame.

I woke up late because who the hell wants to get out of bed at 5:30 on a cold rainy Monday morning anyway? Then I got dressed, headed to work and had, well, an incident getting there. If you've ever driven in DC, you know that the majority of the city's curbs are up to a foot high in spots, made of granite or marble or something else really hard (what do I look like, a freaking geologist?) and, unlike most curbs, completely square. I was swerving to get out of someone's way when I clipped a curb with my two right tires. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I wasn't swerving. There was no other car close to me. I was tired and was paying no attention to where I was going. I threw one hubcap between two pedestrians walking side-by-side (score!), cracked another and severely dented a rim. I made to the parking garage, left my wounded car to sulk, my tires to surely deflate, while I went on my somewhat less than merry way to work.

And then there was the work day itself. Which sucked. I got stuck in an elevator, assaulted by two ruffians on the way to grab some lunch, was told I was being transferred to Tibet, broke three copiers and - inexplicably - 27 pencils, got my butt stuck in a toilet seat in the men's room and had to yell for help, got a speeding ticket on the way home and found out that my house was built on the site of both an indian burial ground and an underground cement vault once used to store nuclear waste. Okay, none of that actually happened but writing out all the stuff that didn't happen sure made me feel better about the damn car thing.

I'm working from home today due to the fact that I don't have a car. I'm waiting for the VW dealership to call and tell me how much I'll have to fork over for my little navigational error. I'm guessing it will cost me the monetary equivalent of my left nut. Do you think they'll let me sell a testicle on EBay?

* April fools...but really, I considered it.

Posted by Chris at April 1, 2008 7:23 AM

Dude, come to Australia! Australia is awesome!

Sorry about the day. You can buy pretty much anything on ebay, I'm sure you'll be right.

Fingers crossed tomorrow will be better.

Posted by: Missy at April 1, 2008 7:51 AM

I am ready to move ANYWHERE to get away from all this rain and grayness!!

You almost had me feeling badly for you until someone else came in and reminded me what day it was...

Posted by: Stephanie at April 1, 2008 8:02 AM

Sorry about the car.

Dude! You can sell anything on ebay. Go for it. :-)

"got my butt stuck in a toilet seat in the men's room"

This one is totally true, right? ;-)

Posted by: Maria at April 1, 2008 8:06 AM

Today will be better, right? Here's hoping, anyway. At least you're at home!

Posted by: Alissa at April 1, 2008 8:12 AM

I considered writing an April Fool's post myself but then I thought, "Not enough people read my blog to care." Why is that? But good story; I was buying it for a bit.

Posted by: claire at April 1, 2008 8:26 AM

This post is screaming "mental health day off"...seriously!

Posted by: Michelle at April 1, 2008 8:36 AM

I'll venture to say that there are surely WORSE things being sold on Ebay besides someone's hoo-hahs (toast in the shape of Mary, or Justin Timberlake's snotty hanky, for instance?). However, hopefully VW will be merciful and let you pay for it in solid sarcasm. After a day like that, I know I would have that in spades.

Hope today is going better!

Posted by: C-Rah at April 1, 2008 9:08 AM

I have had many car accidents...in fact, I've had so many I no longer refer to them as accidents, but instead "customizations". Hopefully your car will be back in action soon:)

And, Owen - wow! That is amazing!

Posted by: Amy at April 1, 2008 9:32 AM

Sweetie you just brighten my day, every day! LOL! Left nut on Ebay? Well, I've seen stranger things!

Posted by: Maribeth at April 1, 2008 9:39 AM

Man, sucks about your day alright...
BUT I am THRILLED to see rain - it's gonna vamoose all the dang snow!!!!

Posted by: Holly at April 1, 2008 9:44 AM

Well, some days are like that...even in Australia ;)

(Side note: I freakin' hate April Fools Day - probably because I'm sort of gullible. You didn't get me, but guaranteed before day end, someone will).

Posted by: Sarah at April 1, 2008 10:07 AM

Well I'm just impressed that your left nut has monetary value!! Now I feel gyp'ed! And before you ask, no, I would not like to buy any. I'm just sayin'... gyp'ed!!

Posted by: Suzy at April 1, 2008 10:10 AM

I did that once on my beetle before I traded it in. I got lucky, I killed the running board (that piece underneath the door) and I never fixed it. But I thought I killed the car when I hit the curb due to the really loud bang. I am much more careful now...

Posted by: goodsnake at April 1, 2008 10:10 AM

Maybe you need a date with Beth. Not sure how that works with Owens feeding schedule or anything - but it seems it could certainly help!!

Posted by: Steff at April 1, 2008 10:47 AM

I once smacked a curb on an on-ramp to 270. I was eating an Egg McMuffin and the sun got in my eyes so I, well... I closed them. And that's when I hit the curb. Hard. Blew out my tire and had to park on the side of the highway, where I proceeded to stare at the flat, dented, mangled mess of a tire/hubcap until some nice person stopped to help me. The good news? I didn't drop the Egg McMuffin when I crashed into the curb. Now THAT would have been tragic.

Posted by: GreenCanary at April 1, 2008 11:08 AM

With your luck in work restrooms, I would have believed the butt stuck in toilet seat thing had you not said otherwise.

Posted by: Stephanie at April 1, 2008 11:42 AM

I got interrupted while reading this post, and then when I came back to the page I read the last line.

I was totally feeling sorry for you!

I love that book. :)

Posted by: Poppy at April 1, 2008 12:18 PM

not sure what this says about me, but i think it would've been the coolest thing ever if you'd gotten your butt stuck in a toilet seat and had to call for help.

sorry about the car, hope today is a better day than yesterday.

Posted by: Noelle at April 1, 2008 12:22 PM

You actually had me up until the Tibet part. Although I was sort of wondering before that, figuring you would have put more detail into the two ruffians.

Watch out for eBay. Since they raised the seller % they take, it looks like you'll make more profit if you sell your body parts through an Amazon store.

Posted by: Ross at April 1, 2008 12:31 PM

You'll get more for your kidney. Just sayin', vital organs and what not.

Posted by: caleal at April 1, 2008 2:01 PM

Maybe tomorrow you'll get something good in your breakfast cereal box.

Posted by: julie at April 1, 2008 2:27 PM

I used to keep a copy of Alexander's No Good etc Day in my desk drawer at work. When someone was having areally bad day, I lent it to them to read.

Posted by: jessica at April 1, 2008 4:40 PM

Come on down to Australia - it's fabbo! It's supposed to be autumn but we have a sunny 29 degrees today and it's beautiful. BTW never commented on your blog before but think you are your Mrs are so funny and clever and you have a delightful little family. Ok gushing over for now. Hope the week gets better.

Posted by: Beth at April 1, 2008 4:57 PM

Australia is awesome! And we drive on the other side of the road!

Posted by: E :) at April 1, 2008 7:05 PM

You do realise that no-one in Australia will get the reference, because over here, our "Alexander's THNGVB Day" version has the Timbuktu option!!

Posted by: jeanie at April 1, 2008 7:34 PM

Not that I will ever admit it, but I have dinged 2, yes 2, side view mirrors. Ummm...not my own =)

Better day tomorrow for you I hope!

Posted by: Amber at April 1, 2008 7:58 PM

Unless the car is spiffy new, just throw the full sized spare on one, and maybe get a junkyard spare for the second wheel. Drive slowly, and after a while, faster. If it doesn't handle funny or shake like heck, you should be fine. At least long enough to take it to a independent garage for eval.

In case you want to save a few $$$

Yes, DC curbs are no fun. I have a story involving a robot, the White House, the Watergate and homeland security. And crazy DC streets and curbs.

Posted by: at April 1, 2008 9:51 PM

Yuck! I hope tomorrow is better and that the car repair only costs you half a nut?! At least you're done with the making of kids now, so if you *do* need to sell...you could even sell them as "proven useful for making babies!" Okay. I'll shutup now haha. I need sleep!

Posted by: Heather at April 1, 2008 11:03 PM

No dude, you do not want to move to Australia. There are WAY too many (deadly) spiders there!

Sorry about your car!

Posted by: Nadine at April 5, 2008 11:52 AM

Houses and cars are expensive and not everyone is able to buy it. But, loans was invented to support different people in such situations.

Posted by: AidaSuarez at August 24, 2011 12:10 AM