April 23, 2008

You Ask, I Answer

Last week I asked you to ask me some questions. Some of you did. Without further ado (whatever the hell that is), here are my answers.

Okay, do all of these truly strange bathroom scenarios really happen, or are you just an story telling genius?
I'm a freak magnet. Sure, I may tweak a detail here and there and if there's a conversation involved, I'll give myself a funnier line which proves me to be wittier than I actually am but for good or ill all this crap happens to me. One day I'll learn to harness this power and use it for good. Or sell it. I could use the extra cash.

What is the funniest/most absurd thing that ever happened to you?
It's called life, my friends. Specifically, my life in bathrooms. Hey, that sounds like a great book title. One specific event stands out though. When I was in second or third grade, my mom and I were packing up the car getting ready for picking up the kids in our carpool. It was my birthday. My mom made cupcakes. From out of nowhere came a gigantic boxer (a dog not, say, Muhammad Ali) jumped in the backseat and sat squarely on the box of cupcakes. And it wouldn't move. For, like, an hour. Nothing we could do would move the dog which was, coincidentally, twice the size of my mother and I. Eventually, it left, the cupcakes were hopelessly screwed up and we went about our merry ways. I'm not sure that's overly ridiculous but it was slightly absurd.

And what day would be complete without talk of midgets, sex toys and the baby Jesus?
Don't forget seal clubbing. As one intrepid reader mentioned, I frequently forget the comedic value of clubbing baby seals.

So, are you writing a book? What's it called?
Writers Block: I'm Fucked. No, seriously, I'm not writing a book. I barely have time to breathe.

Do you ever regret yours and Beth's decision for her to stay at home?
No. Not one single bit. Sure, money's tighter than it was when we were both working but you can't quantify the benefits of having a mom at home with her kids. I realize there's great debate and differing opinions about day care. Everyone has to make the decisions that are right for them without fear of judgment. But I'm glad Beth is able to stay home because, personally, I wouldn't want it any other way.

What is the hardest thing that you've ever had to deal with and have you ever been brought close to the edge of doing something permanently disabling like, let's say, suicide?
I'm not sure I have a really good answer to this one. I'm lucky. I haven't had too many opportunities to face the kinds of adversity a lot of people have. Dealing with my own depression and anxiety issues were probably the hardest but even those pale in comparison to some of the hardships people endure.

Boxers or briefs?
Neither. Assless chaps.

What is your fascination with putting things on your head?
I have many fascinations with no apparent reason. Take for instance my never-ending quest to find Midgetville, Virginia, the 70's run of the series Love Boat and the band Journey. Some things can never be explained.

I really want to hear more about your vegetarianism (since I'm into that right now). Why? For how long? Is Mia vegetarian??
We've been vegetarians for a number of years. I forget exactly how many. Neither Beth nor I ever really enjoyed eating meat so one day we just decided we wouldn't. As for Mia, she hasn't ever consumed meat but it's not for lack of opportunity. She's free to eat meat or not. That's her call. I'm not going to impose our beliefs on her.

If two trains are traveling in opposite directions at 55 and 78 mph respectively, at what point will the Baby Jesus meet the crack-smoking midget hooker and lay hands on her/him to heal her/him of her/his genital herpes/sex change operation?
10:32 AM, December 12th in Flint, Michigan.

What do you believe to be the single greatest invention in history?
Tivo.

If you were in a sinking boat with sweet baby jesus, a midget and crack whore who would you sacrifice for your own life? And why?
Gotta be the crack whore. The midget's only issue is that it was short. That;s no reason to be condemned. And the baby jesus? Well, let's just say that I'm not 100% sure the whole religion thing is crap. I'd like to hedge my bets. Regardless that couldn't be good karma.

So you see, all you have to do is ask. Now whatcha got?

Posted by Chris at April 23, 2008 6:34 AM
Comments

I was actually curious about the vegetarianism thing myself... More so, with Mia. My ex's parents were both vegetarians, and they had no problem if their son's ate meat, either, but they refused to buy it for them, or cook it for them. Which, I can understand in a way, but when they're only 11 and 12, I'd think it would be kind of rough. o.O Especially when they couldn't reach the stove or grill, hehe.

Posted by: secha at April 23, 2008 5:48 AM

Ditto on the Tivo! I'm not sure how I lived my "TV life" before it. Seriously. I even find myself wishing there was a Tivo for radio, and even live conversation. I'm worried for myself...

Posted by: ironic1 at April 23, 2008 5:58 AM

Regarding the Vegetarian thing: When you go to the parents house, what do they fix for dinner? Do they support your vegan life-style? Are you really healthier or do you just eat french fries and pop tarts all day?

Posted by: Debbie at April 23, 2008 6:16 AM

Ah Chris, I love you. (Do I need to explain that it's in a nice amused platonic way? No? Good :P)
You have the greatest stories, and it's always a pleasure to join in for a little bit of crazy.
And assless chaps? How could you subject my poor brain to that image? Please tell me those aren't the pants you keep wearing to work that make your butt look good ;)

Posted by: Heather at April 23, 2008 6:42 AM

I think you missed your chance to find Midgetville, Chris. Everything I've read said it was torn down in March to make way for "big people houses". I think they are going to call the area Wedderburn Estates.

Bummer.

Posted by: Mel at April 23, 2008 6:54 AM

I'm a little scared that many of the questions involved midgets, crack whores, and baby Jesus.

My question's lame but I love to ask people this: what's your dream job?

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at April 23, 2008 7:43 AM

just write a book already. I think the topic of assless chaps would be nice. eek.

Posted by: Holly at April 23, 2008 8:22 AM

Here's one for you:
You look out your front door and see your neighbor fighting with his identical twin. How do you determine which one is the android and which do you shoot? Or do you just chalk it up to natural selection and hope the android will mow the lawn more frequently than the neighbor did?

Posted by: J at April 23, 2008 8:27 AM

Here's one for you:
You look out your front door and see your neighbor fighting with his identical twin. How do you determine which one is the android and which do you shoot? Or do you just chalk it up to natural selection and hope the android will mow the lawn more frequently than the neighbor did?

Posted by: J at April 23, 2008 8:28 AM

Of course, THAT had to double post on me. sheesh.

Posted by: J at April 23, 2008 8:29 AM

This post has more midgets and crack whores and midget crack whores and allusions to the baby Jesus than any I think I've ever read. What kind of screwed up people read and comment here, anyhow (me being excluded of course...I'm obviously the lone sane voice screaming into the night. Obviously.)? Also, nothing good ever happens in Michigan, so that thing about healing the midget crack whore is just so over-the-top.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at April 23, 2008 9:49 AM

AMEN to Tivo being the best invention!

Posted by: Mymilabean at April 23, 2008 10:25 AM

Ok although I didn't give you anything to work with, thank you for the baby Jesus/midget references this morning. Just what I needed to start my day.

And I stole your idea (but gave you a shout out in all fairness) because I'm totally out of being original - and I hate to send my readers into spontaneous napping.

Posted by: Sharon at April 23, 2008 11:09 AM

Ok although I didn't give you anything to work with, thank you for the baby Jesus/midget references this morning. Just what I needed to start my day.

And I stole your idea (but gave you a shout out in all fairness) because I'm totally out of being original - and I hate to send my readers into spontaneous napping.

Posted by: Sharon at April 23, 2008 11:09 AM

Hmmm, this box ate my comment. Hater.

I can safely assume that we ALL will be waiting for the Assless Chaps FlickR page. Like, with bated breath and shit.

Also, Flint, Michigan? Nicely done.

Posted by: Mr Lady at April 23, 2008 11:19 AM

So tell me, why it is better for a parent to stay home? I am a career mom. I love it! My kids get both quality and quantity care from me.

Our daycare choices rock. They literally are, a home away from home for my boys.

Posted by: Amber at April 23, 2008 11:36 AM

There IS a Midgetville in Long Beach, CA and it's a gated community. (It's not called that, obviously.) We've been to the gate. Apparently it is a super secured place with tight security and everything.

When y'all come out to Disneyland one day, we'll take you there. ;)

Posted by: oakley at April 23, 2008 11:41 AM

Help! Work's getting in the way of blogging! Now...tell me if there's a movie out there that you've seen that disturbed you so much you'll never be able to watch it again. And I'm talking about a GOOD movie...but disturbing or upsetting nonetheless.

Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at April 23, 2008 12:12 PM

Pssst, Chris, Journey will be in Ottawa on Aug. 10. They're backing up Def Leppard and Styx. Lots of 80s goodness. Too bad I haven't been able to get tickets, I was all ready to get another curly perm and some iridescent green eyeshadow...

Bring your quest north. Who knows what kind of weird bathroom encounter you could have up on this side of the border while finding the band.

Posted by: alison at April 23, 2008 1:11 PM

Boxers or briefs?
Neither. Assless chaps

I just read that in the middle of the SANS Internet cafe and burst out laughing. It's like a library in here, so everyone glared at me. Thanks for that. ;)

Posted by: Poppy at April 23, 2008 2:46 PM

The most important question of all of course is IF YOU FOUND Midgetville, Virginia, the 70's run of the series Love Boat and the band Journey WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THEM??

Posted by: Amy at April 23, 2008 6:27 PM

Yeah!! Let's hear it for clubbin' baby seals!
Glad you enjoyed the suggestion. Next week, we'll talk about....um.....uh,,,,,, _______.
Nothing.
Because NOTHING is funnier than clubbing baby seals.

Posted by: Caitlin at April 23, 2008 9:10 PM

I keep picturing all the people that will wind up here from all their widely varying searches, like for crack whores, assless chaps and vegetarianism and the baby Jesus. You bring people together, man. That's so cool. And the dog and the cupcakes?! Thanks for the best snort laugh moment of the day.

Posted by: OS at April 23, 2008 10:05 PM

Yes, yes. We know you run around the house in bare-assed chaps and you don't eat animals and you have creepy bathroom tales. But how do we know the difference between putting the lime in the coconut and more importantly when do we mix it all up?

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at April 23, 2008 11:35 PM

Os: Yeah! Chirs does bring it together, but... I would SO book a flight to Virginia for a Vegan Midget Crack-Ho Jebus Believers party. So, Chris, when is it???? I can cook ya know. For a huge party, even. Vegan if necessary. Get a tent. Invite everyone you know. We can roast midget vegan cocktail weenies.

*cough*
*sputter*

Maybe I will even meet the love of my life in your bathroom...

*sigh*

Posted by: Julia at April 24, 2008 5:50 AM

Hmmm, apparently I shouldn't post before coffee any more than I should create ab online dating profile after several drinks... Your quest will still be unfulfilled - it's *Styx* backing up Def Leppard. Journey remains lost somewhere. (You can understand the confusion though, can't you?)

Posted by: alison at April 24, 2008 8:24 AM

Okay, since the bathroom scenarios actually happen, then may I suggest you write a book about these experiences and then title it something like "A Good Laugh For Those Quiet Bathroom Moments...Or Remember...You Are Never Really Alone!"

Posted by: Maribeth at April 24, 2008 8:36 AM

Aren't chaps by their very nature assless?

Posted by: Karen at April 24, 2008 12:17 PM


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