April 16, 2008

R-E-S-P-E-C-T (And A Close Encounter of the Papal Kind)

As many bathroom stories as I've shared with you, I've never adequately described the bathrooms at work in which I seem to have so many odd encounters. The bathrooms are large, fully automated - self-flushing toilets and urinals and automatic sinks - and made of gorgeous marble. This last detail is particularly important. You see, sound carries in marble bathrooms. It even carries from other marble bathrooms, particularly ladies' rooms next door.

Yesterday, I was sitting there in the bathroom doing my thing when I heard the loud click-clacking sounds of high-heeled footsteps walking into the ladies' room. Thank the holy trinity it wasn't the mens' room because that shit's happened before too and it wasn't pretty. More click-clacking followed by a stall door closing. What I heard next was a little surprising.

Ooooh! What you want
Baby, I got
Ooooh! What you need
Do you know I got it?
Ooooh! All I'm askin'
Is for a little respect when you come home
Just a little bit
Hey baby
Just a little bit
When you get home
(heel clicking) R-E-S-P-E-C-T! (heel clicking)
(heel clicking) Find out what it means to me (heel clicking)
(heel clicking) R-E-S-P-E-C-T (heel clicking)
(heel clicking) Take care, TCB (heel clicking)

Several observations:
  • Aretha Franklin is the Queen of Soul. Even her worst songs (see Freeway of Love) deserve to be appreciated and performed outside a bathroom environment.
  • Choruses of songs should never be punctuated by farting or any other spontaneous bodily emissions. Unless its actually part of the song as written by the artist. Even then it's questionable.
  • Post-potty dancing - or any choreographed presentation or performance - is never appropriate no matter how relieved one feels afterwards.
  • I seriously need to tie a knot in it and stay the hell away from the bathrooms at work.

To cap off my day, the Pope descended into town at just the right moment, snarling traffic everywhere. At least, I'm assuming he was somehow the mastermind behind the monster motorcade I ran into on my way out of town.

Posted by Chris at April 16, 2008 7:14 AM

The really sad thing is... I could see that happening with some of the women across the hall in my office. Infact, I have heard them singing through bodily functions, just never anything recognizable.

Good luck with the pope thing going on today!! Two of my co-workers are taking a class today and tomorrow in DC, so they're leaving here no later than 630... I still think they're going to be late to class, heh. I actually feel kind of bad for them... They couldn't have picked two worse days.

Posted by: secha at April 16, 2008 7:03 AM

I'm trying to imagine what that woman must've been thinking. Singing while pottying. Hmm. I've sung in lots of strange places, but I draw the line at that.

This pope scares me. It looks like he eats small babies, or like his eyes could bore holes in my chest. *shiver*

Posted by: Kate at April 16, 2008 7:07 AM

Yeah, but you gotta admit that at least the Pop dresses for the occasion! Didn't you just love his red shoes?

Posted by: Maribeth at April 16, 2008 7:17 AM

Shower? Great singing place...
Sitting on the can? Not something that should - AT ANY TIME - be attempted.

Sing while you cook, while you work at the computer or while walking down the hall.

Another singing no-no? Singing with earphones in/on and not being able to hear how off key you are.

I am so sorry you are at the Catholic Ground Zero right now. I'm still bitter about spending years of my life in the church. And the new Pope? HELLO? Hitler's Youth??? Uh, yeah...man of god. Right-O!

Posted by: Holly Selden at April 16, 2008 7:35 AM

I'm dreading the Pope's visit to NY on Friday.

Did I ever mention that my office is directly across from the restrooms? And that I'm in a very old building and sound carries?

My observation? She didn't wash her hands. :-)

Posted by: Maria at April 16, 2008 7:36 AM

The Pope has minions. Minions who can FUCK YOU UP, BUDDY.

He's Emperor Palpatine.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at April 16, 2008 7:38 AM

Erm, I think our beloved (ahem) Prime Minister is also dropping in to your lovely country today. Sorry.
PS: Keep him if you want.

Posted by: Loth at April 16, 2008 7:47 AM

The Pope reads your blog and knows of your inapropriate remarks about Baby Jesus, he just figured since he was intown he could F with you.

Posted by: william at April 16, 2008 7:50 AM

Well yes, that was our Dear Pope arriving with his giant motorcade to snarl traffic. But didn't you know that it was master planned this way to send you a subtle karmic message about your Baby Jesus jokes?

He obviously reads your blog, Chris.

(And I can't think of a better way to begin my morning than to the tune of Word World, a cup of coffee, and a little Bathroom Tribute to Aretha Franklin)

Posted by: chatty cricket at April 16, 2008 7:55 AM

I'd be curious to see how God's earthly representative would are trying to cross the Woodrow Wilson bridge during afternoon rush hour. I wonder if automobiles would part like the Red Sea or if he'd have to rot in stalled traffic like the rest of humanity.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at April 16, 2008 8:07 AM

i dont know why... but your potty stories...are always my faves! lol

Posted by: suicide_blond at April 16, 2008 8:23 AM

My cat does the same thing after he uses the litterbox, only he runs around the house like a loon until he falls over from exhaustion.

P.S. Am loving the map. The map made my day. Now if you can create a Jib-Jab with the Pope's head, I will be your adoring fan forever and ever, amen.

Posted by: GreenCanary at April 16, 2008 8:24 AM

I love that your crazy bathroom experiences aren't limited to the men's room. That's swell.

But I have to speak up in favor of post-potty dancing. (Not during, though.) Sometimes, the relief you feel just calls for some sort of (private) celebration. TMI?

Posted by: Fraulein N at April 16, 2008 8:30 AM

No wonder Mia calls that place Monkeytown.

Posted by: Jules at April 16, 2008 8:48 AM

I have a sweet tooth for song and music. This is my Polish sin.”

Pope John Paul II

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at April 16, 2008 8:54 AM

Rachel likes to sing on the toilet. But she's five, so I think we can overlook that. And it's in our bathroom at home.

I've never been embroiled in a papal traffic jam, but once I was stuck in traffic on a bus when the RCMP closed off the street I was on (I was heading up to the Airport Parkway) so that the King or Prime Minister or whatever of Finland could make his plane on time. It was cool how choreographed the motorcycle cops were and how practiced they seemed at motorcade management. I had to wait until I got home to check out the flag that I'd seen on the limo of the motorcade, and it was Finland. Cool.

Posted by: alison at April 16, 2008 8:55 AM

He totally was the reason. And he'll be NYC's reason on... Friday? Friday.

Posted by: Poppy at April 16, 2008 9:21 AM

haha. on the radio this morning it said, "the pope turns 81 today and it's the first time he's seeing Bush" no lie. i pretty much haven't stopped laughing at that all day.

Posted by: ali at April 16, 2008 9:25 AM

oh, thank you SOOO much for that. I needed a laugh.

bathroom. peepee. papal. too close.

Posted by: Holly at April 16, 2008 9:38 AM

You know the Pope would probably get a lot more respect if he didn't look like the evil monk from The Name of the Rose.

Just saying..

Posted by: Nat at April 16, 2008 9:59 AM

I think Rickie Lee is much better for getting the ol' plumbing working than Aretha.

Dow-ow-nstairs at Danny's All Star Joint
They got a juke box that goes (plop plop)

Posted by: Mr Lady at April 16, 2008 10:13 AM

I don't think you COULD make this stuff up. So, so weird.

Posted by: Heather at April 16, 2008 10:35 AM

Wow. This was definitely worth delurking for. I seriously just about snorted Zazz (flavored selter) out of my nose. Great way to end my lunch break.

Posted by: Beth at April 16, 2008 11:56 AM

Wow. This was definitely worth delurking for. I seriously just about snorted Zazz (flavored selter) out of my nose. Great way to end my lunch break.

Posted by: Beth at April 16, 2008 11:56 AM

I have encountered bathroom singing as well! WTF? I do not have the urge to sing while going. Particularly not in public restrooms for crying out loud.

Posted by: bad penguin at April 16, 2008 11:56 AM

ahh give the pope-man a break. Its his B-day!

Posted by: punk rock mom at April 16, 2008 12:18 PM

You know what would have really freaked her out? If you had sang backup. :P

Posted by: Tink at April 16, 2008 12:34 PM

I'm pretty much at a loss here (not to say that you've offended me) - I just have no sane response to that. It does, however, make me glad that I no longer work in a situation that has large public restrooms!

Posted by: Mandy Lou at April 16, 2008 2:39 PM

I think you should just use your empty starbucks cups for other uses. Your bathroom is getting to be a dangerous place! Although it does provide massive amounts of blog fodder.

Posted by: k8 at April 16, 2008 3:19 PM

That's even better than our on air talent forgetting to turn the mic off . . . it's good to work in a comedy rich environment, ain't it? Makes all the management standing on the neck bearable. And best blog art I've seen all damn year. Hands down.

Posted by: OS at April 16, 2008 9:53 PM

Dude, who poops in a public toilet? Also, I feel your pain as the Dalia Lama was in Seattle and shut down the fucking freeway for days as he traveled around. My question is why do they have to reroute traffic if the Pope is in the Popemobile? It is bomb safe, WTF? Why mess up everyone's life who doesn't give a damn? Just sayin' "we aren't all catholic or do-gooders".

Posted by: Kim at April 17, 2008 12:02 AM

LOL! You work in a mental institution, right?

He got you stuck in traffic? He should only be allowed to travel by his pope-o-copter.

Posted by: Nadine at April 17, 2008 4:32 AM

You can't stop using the bathroom at work, these stories are the best!

While this certainly can't beat your story, I used to work with a guy who either was narcoleptic or just simply didn't get enough sleep. At least once a week, and sometimes more frequently, I'd walk into the bathroom and take a stall only to realize that he was in the stall next to me, snoring away on the john. He used to fall asleep in meetings and his cube too but sitting on the toilet was the best. I couldn't help but giggle as while hearing loud snoring coming from the stall next to me.

Posted by: Garth at April 18, 2008 8:14 AM

Freaking HILARIOUS. I have quoted you too. ::g::

However, I do understand the freakout factor. Far out!!

Posted by: Meg at April 21, 2008 2:42 AM