April 7, 2008

The Dangers of Peeing Standing Up

This weekend was a smidge underwhelming. This was largely due to the work-week stress I carried over into the weekend. Turns out I've got a lot of stress. Which explains the tightness in my shoulders. I need a massage. That's beside the point. Anyway, I had a marginally shitty attitude part of the weekend. This bubbled up when a) the lawnmower broke and b) I installed the second ceiling fan in as many weeks. I still haven't resolved the lawnmower issue (I'm thinking fuel pump) but the ceiling fan is up despite the terrible placement of a ceiling joist.

There was this one thing that contributed to the overall weekend suckage (not that the weekend was a loss, but still...). It involves my daughter. Because she is a little person who will one day grow up to read, blame her parents for everything, and feel truly embarrassed by her father, I shall not mention this thing here. Suffice it to say there were several things we had to do this weekend - in the interest of her health and well-being - that were excruciating for all of us. But it could have been worse. I could have peed on her head. I came close.

Mia has this habit of accompanying me into the bathroom. Like most men, I pee standing up. Like most little girls, she likes to crawl between adults' legs. These two activities should never be combined. She now know this. I have conveniently diagrammed the issue below.


The resulting move I pulled off was something Fred Astaire never dreamed of. It involved yelping "no", swinging one leg back over Mia's head while doing my best to, uh, stem nature's tide, so to speak. I nearly fell ass over teakettle into the shower but it worked. Somehow. But it was a near thing.

So that was my weekend - a bad mood, stress, a ceiling fan, a broken down mower, the unmentionable, and nearly peeing on my kid's head. That said, it turned out pretty well. Although I could use another couple days. I might be coming down with something...wink wink, nudge, nudge.

Posted by Chris at April 7, 2008 6:06 AM

Your head is oddly disproportionate to your body.
You should get that looked at, which will require many days off.

Posted by: Caleal at April 7, 2008 7:14 AM

As a male you must always assume the "safety position" whether it be in the living room, bedroom or bathroom.
I love the technical drawing! Visual aids!

Posted by: Maribeth at April 7, 2008 8:03 AM

I couldn't help but notice that you have a WIDE STANCE.

Posted by: william at April 7, 2008 8:11 AM

Work screwed up my weekend too. My wife and I tried to have date night. 5 minutes into the movie we went to see, the Bat (Work) Phone rang and we had to run out of the theater, speed to work and save the world. Bad news, we only got to see 5 minutes of a movie we paid 24 bucks to see. Good news, purchased a $5 bottle of wine on the way home after saving the world.

Posted by: Josh at April 7, 2008 8:15 AM

I can't help but giggle :)

Posted by: Peggy at April 7, 2008 8:18 AM

Buahahahahaha! That's the kind of story that you tell your grandkids!

Posted by: Hope at April 7, 2008 8:30 AM

Your graphic made me LOL.

Sorry for the craptastic weekend. Maybe you could sneak a little somethin' in your coffee...

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at April 7, 2008 8:35 AM

You should have drawn you hands farther down to make it look like you were hung like a horse. At least that is what I would have done in the diagram.

Posted by: harrylips at April 7, 2008 8:38 AM

My cat Georgie learned this lesson the very hard way with my ex.

She also jumped into a dirty toilet bowl a couple times. Gosh, it's fun washing cats covered in pee...

Posted by: Poppy at April 7, 2008 8:48 AM

I am really sorry your weekend sucked. I'm glad Mia was spared. My cousin peed (sp) on her sisters head once, but it was totally on purpose (we were like 5). She kept threatening to do it and we all thought she was kidding. Suffice to say, we all leave Angie the hell alone now!

Posted by: Mymilabean at April 7, 2008 8:50 AM

Totally cracking up over the diagram and near miss! I'm sure she'll be in therapy over that one! ;)

And I'm always ready with a shot, and neckrub - no guarantees on that long nap though :D

Posted by: Kris at April 7, 2008 8:59 AM

My weekend slash attitude has been similar as of late. If it makes you feel better, Zach recently peed on his kitten's head when she did pretty much the same thing.
(The bathroom door now gets firmly shut, as she has not *quite* learned her lesson)
Kittens are quick. And curious.
Apparently so are 2 year olds.

Posted by: Caitlin at April 7, 2008 9:16 AM

oh dear. BIG oh dear.

My son thinks we can pee at the same time (perhaps he has tried this at Daddy's?). Don't think I could even attempt to draw a pic for that!

Posted by: Holly at April 7, 2008 9:18 AM

This is why the Meester pees sitting down. That and it avoids a mess.

Posted by: statia at April 7, 2008 9:27 AM

The gargantuan size of your head in the diagram keeps making me laugh. Your cranium is bigger than your entire toilet.

Posted by: GreenCanary at April 7, 2008 10:23 AM

this story was made way better by your use of a diagram. hahah. love it.

Posted by: ali at April 7, 2008 10:33 AM

No fly zone. He he heh.

Posted by: samantha jo campen at April 7, 2008 10:40 AM

That's nothing ... try to navigate the "pee standing up" routine with toddling twins!

I swear I need a goalie with me in the bathroom at times

Posted by: Jase at April 7, 2008 11:02 AM

Your design skills are extraordinary...I should have you redesign my banner.

If it's any consolation, I have a deep hatred of ceiling-fan installation. Something about holding a bladed apparatus above my head while delicately threading wiring to avoid electrocution feels sorta Abu Ghraib to me.

Posted by: croutonboy at April 7, 2008 11:31 AM

I can almost picture the Fred Astaire moves with the stream flying all over the place and the element of surprise makes it really hard to "turn it off." You make me laugh.

Sorry for the crappy weekend. The sunshine and roses will someday return....

Posted by: k8 at April 7, 2008 11:47 AM

Ah, kids. LOL. I have to say I really, really respect that you don't share very potentially embarrassing things about Mia on the net. Unlike some more famous bloggers like Dooce and others whose child is going to get seriously picked on for the things that her parents share with the world, Mia is going to be just fine. She may have yellow stained hair but she'll be fine.

Posted by: Michele at April 7, 2008 12:08 PM

Seriously Chris - that's quite a melon. Maybe it's a "toomah" (channeling my inner Arnold... and coming up short, thank god). Maybe you oughta stay home a few days and see if you can get your noggin back to a regular size ;)

Posted by: Sarah at April 7, 2008 12:20 PM

So funny!

Hubby once had a yorkie jump into the stream. That was gross. He also had said yorkie crawl into and procede to sleep in his pants that were around his ankles while taking a #2. Maybe he should start closing the door.

Posted by: Mommy 2 Hope at April 7, 2008 12:56 PM

Love the diagram. May have to borrow it to explain things to Little Dude, someday.

The Hubby is totally troubled because I've told him he has got to show Little Dude how to use the toilet someday. Maybe this will help him get a start.

Posted by: RC at April 7, 2008 1:23 PM

I am so sorry about your weekend, but that was by far the funniest thing I have read all morning. Thanks for the laugh.

Posted by: linda at April 7, 2008 1:52 PM

oh man, that graphic is hi-larious!!

Posted by: punk rock mom at April 7, 2008 1:55 PM

Dude, that graphic is hi-larious. My hubby does not have this problem. He pees sitting down. Oh the joys of piercings!

Posted by: punk rock mom at April 7, 2008 1:56 PM

I know what you're talkin' 'bout with Mia, and my sympathies go out to all three of you! (Four even, if Owen was somehow also traumatized :P)
It's been a while since you busted out with a schematic - I really appreciate it! Even your ginormous head heh. I hope this week goes quickly for you! (And for me!)

Posted by: Heather at April 7, 2008 2:31 PM

judging by your diagram, i'd say that "thing" you're coming down with is affecting your cranium, as well. are those little ridges? on either side of the toilet bowl? oh my... it's the cranium. for sure.

Posted by: jessica at April 7, 2008 6:19 PM

Hysterical and I must say Chris you have too much time on your hands. A diagram. You outdid yourself on this one.

My hubby peed on the floor and missed entirely once over the weekend. He usually stands, but occasionally sits and things went wrong. At first, he thought the toilet was leaking and then, realized I have too quickly clean this up, but not before the wife wondered what was going on in the other room and had some explaining to do.

Posted by: Diane at April 7, 2008 7:03 PM

My friend Doug had a little girl who liked to run under daddy's legs. She'd start at one end of the hall, and charge to the other end, and Daddy was the Bridge in the Middle.


Daddy was the Commando Bridge in the Middle one day. The girl ran, and was indeed short enough to clear the important bits, but decided to stop for a rest right under the bridge.

And he totally tea bagged his kid. Accidentally, and horrifyingly.

They never did play that game again.

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If it did, i apologize right now for the google searches it's going to land you.

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Posted by: KrisFarley22 at February 7, 2011 10:39 PM