April 25, 2008

The Weeklies #33

The Weekly Contribution to Going Green. If I just become independently wealthy and stop going to work, think of all the pollution I'll stop generating.

The Weekly Strangest First Paragraph of a News Story I Read. "Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft." Note to self: Remove "Congo" from list of places to visit.

The Weekly Reads. In an effort to move through some of the books I've had on my "to read" shelf for a while, I picked up The End of Vandalism by Tom Drury. I read his novel The Black Brook a few years ago and it was excellent. This one, well, I'm not sure about. Don't get me wrong - it was wonderfully written. Despite being peddled as a comic masterpiece, I didn't really think it was all that funny. And I'm not sure that anything truly happened. It was less a novel and more a collection of glimpses into the life of a small town in the middle of nowhere. Strangely enough, parts and pieces of the story were heavily excerpted in The New Yorker a decade ago. So, it was good, yes, but didn't function well as a novel.

The Weekly Schadenfreude. Hillary won Pennsylvania. This means we'll all be subjected to an even more protracted fight for the Democratic nomination. The more rocks they throw at each other, the more dented they'll be when one of them has to face off against McCain. I'm concerned.

The Weekly Observation. When one is standing at a urinal doing ones thing, there is never a good reason for ones pants to be around ones ankles.

The Weekly Hypothetical Question. A comet is hurtling towards earth and, in two months, will destroy everything. A special project has been established to send a probe into space containing five items that best represent mankind. What are they?

Posted by Chris at April 25, 2008 6:28 AM


And chocolate.

Posted by: Missy at April 25, 2008 6:49 AM

Make sure the Chipmunks Sing the Beatles makes is aboard!

Posted by: harrylips at April 25, 2008 7:13 AM

Strangest: Steal? Shrink? Strange indeed!

Question: Duct tape and photographs.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Posted by: Maria at April 25, 2008 8:09 AM

I first read that news story as "Police in Chicago." Ned. More. Coffee. Obvs.

How about Richard Simmons as an example of the enduring human spirit?

Posted by: chatty cricket at April 25, 2008 8:55 AM

My shrunken penis from the congo.
(sorry... Friday, very little sleep).

Posted by: martin at April 25, 2008 8:58 AM

5 Items for the probe:

Politics for Dummies
Toilet Paper
A Science Text Book
A History Text Book
A Laptop Computer

Posted by: NotAMeanGirl at April 25, 2008 9:08 AM

Silly Putty, a towel, a Slinky, a copy of Fox in Socks and a running tape of the monkey that sticks his finger in his butt, smells it and falls out of the tree.

Posted by: Bob at April 25, 2008 9:19 AM

After this morning's commute, I'd say a six-pack of Colt 45 with one missing can.

Posted by: J at April 25, 2008 9:25 AM

1. Literature book - some kind of mixrd anthology including works from Ancient Greece to now, poems to short stories, etc...
2. A photobook of a newborn babies (is this not the most beautiful thing that humans create?)
3. A science textbook (involving biology, chemistry, astronomy)
4. A copy of Larousse Gastonomique - because seriously, creating phenomenal food and wine is something quite unique to humans over other life forms on earth.
5. Human DNA samples

Posted by: Jen at April 25, 2008 10:16 AM

Crap, I accidently hit post before proof-reading! I meant "mixed" anthology and "A photobook of newborn babies." I hate trying to type with a 2 1/2 yr old in my lap.

Posted by: Jen at April 25, 2008 10:19 AM

I'm not concerned about the Democrats yet. The way I see it, their story is totally overshadowing the Republicans. At this point, McCain would have to drop dead to get the kind of coverage Clinton and Obama are getting.

I've got nothing for the hypothetical. My brain is simply not functioning today.

Posted by: Alias Mother at April 25, 2008 10:54 AM

Shouldn't we be sending a nuke and Bruce Willis out there to STOP the comet? In that case, that probe should contain nukes x 5. Otherwise...'

1. Bacon. Perfect food.
2. Cambozola cheese. Perfect blending of brie and blue.
3. Guinness. Perfect beer.
4. LOST DVDS. That would keep the aliens guessing about the true nature of our species.
5. DNA of Sophia Loren. We have to send up the BEST specimen, right?

Posted by: oakley at April 25, 2008 10:58 AM

1. A fictional book that conveys a message of who we are at our best and reveals that we're not always that way.

2. A picture of a multi-racial project.

3. An example of our explorations into space.

4. Our best computer, loaded with everything from wikipedia and more.

5. Frozen eggs and sperm from our best humans.

BTW, I used to think that the Democratic fight was hurting them. At this point I think it's just giving them more quality face time with America. They're not beating each other up too bad, really. Not nearly as bad as they would if they spent all of this time going against a Republican group. It might actually work out better. Man, I hope so.

Posted by: Brad at April 25, 2008 11:11 AM

A cricket paddle/racket/whatever, some coucous, a Hummer, a bongo and Focus on the Family.

Posted by: Mr Lady at April 25, 2008 12:26 PM

i cannot understand why a man would need to drop his drawers all the way to floor. ew.

Posted by: ali at April 25, 2008 12:29 PM

1. A laptop.
2. An Ipod.
3. A camera.
4. A cellphone.
5. A television.

That should answer alot of questions about us that they have been pondering...keep in mind though I only own one of the five things that I mentioned above. But I am a technology snob, hate it! I think we would all be alot better off without any of the modern convieniances we have now.

Posted by: Kelly M. at April 25, 2008 2:39 PM

1. beer
2. one of those finger things people put on their hands at sporting events
3. a wii
4. a dog
5. porn

I love my society, I really do.

Posted by: Poppy at April 25, 2008 2:52 PM

Are these our best five or the five items that most accurately represent us? Off the top of my head . . .

Best? 1. An account of the work of Doctors without Borders with a sample of Plumpynut, 2. School in a Box kit, 3. Selection of children's art projects, 4. An account of the Special Olympics, 5. Nature photography of everywhere in the world, maybe that documentary, Planet Earth.

Truth? 1. Wii, 2. SI Swimsuit issue, 3. Viagra literature, 4. Comparative study of professional athlete salaries to school teacher/firefighter/police officer salaries, 5. Full set of Jane's literature

Wow, didn't know I was so bitter . . .

Posted by: OS at April 25, 2008 3:19 PM

1. The Chipmunks Sing The Beatles
2. A pez dispenser (with pez)
3. A button with a smiley face on it
4. The punk rock versions of the Schoolhouse Rock songs
5. DVDs of every season of the British TV show Father Ted

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at April 25, 2008 4:20 PM

A Chinese finger trap, a whoopee cushion, and a flower that shoots water.

Because today I'm feeling like the human experience is kind of a big mind f*ck, and I'd like to pass it along.

Posted by: julie at April 25, 2008 4:20 PM

Cell phone, everyone eventually caves and gets one
T.V. Because Americans are obsessed
Silicon breast implants
Oprah's 20 year celebration DVD, because most people do not think anymore, if Oprah says it is so, so it shall be
Happy meal from McDonalds

It would appear that I have lost a little faith in mankind

Posted by: Shannon at April 25, 2008 5:29 PM

Couldn't care less, just pass me the chocolate and keep the champagne flowing!

Posted by: Maribeth at April 25, 2008 6:43 PM

Light Bright, Legos, Haribo Cola Bottle Gummies, iPod, and the new purple Dorito's... At least that is what I would send... :)

Posted by: Jennie at April 25, 2008 7:05 PM

Listen, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to pay attention....

This was probably the best post I have read in a while. I don't know why, but I superliked all that you wrote. Good mix of funny, intelligent, insightful and provocative.

Good Job, Chris.

Posted by: melati at April 25, 2008 7:08 PM

Hey! Some of us here in the great Northwest Territories would like to actually vote, and you know, have it COUNT or something!

Posted by: Aurora at April 25, 2008 7:22 PM

A grande Starbucks cup with a lid and sleeve.

A ticket to a Rollings Stones concert.



Chris Cactus.

Posted by: Stella at April 27, 2008 1:59 PM

A grande Starbucks cup with a lid and sleeve.

A ticket to a Rollings Stones concert.



Chris Cactus.

Posted by: Stella at April 27, 2008 1:59 PM