May 28, 2008

Have My People Call Your People

I have a question. A very serious question the answer to which I very much need. How do you have sex?

[Okay, upon rereading this, I realize it doesn't quite capture what I'm trying to get at. I mean, how do you have sex? Shit. No. That's not quite right. I don't really want to know how you have sex. That's another post entirely. And I know how to have sex myself. Wait. Not with myself. Well, that too but with a woman. Oops, not just any woman - my wife. I mean, I think I'm quite accomplished at having sex with my wife, at least to the extent that I have two kids which is kinda like proof, right? And that is, after all, the problem I'm trying - and failing - to articulate to you here. Let me try again...]

How do those of you who are parents - or those that aren't that are just really busy or have very needy housepets - find the time to have sex?

I mean, check out the normal weekend schedule. I'm not even going to get into what a weekday looks like but for me it generally starts at oh-dark-thirty and ends with me crawling under the covers into a fetal position muttering something about making the work monsters go away. At least we have a fighting chance to knock boots (not that we wear boots...usually) between attempted naps or visits to grandma's or late in the evening when everyone's finally surrendered to sleep, sweet sleep. Or we've just said fuck it and put the kids in front of the Polka Palace episode of the Backyardigans (yip yip yip yip!) and snuck into the bathroom for a quickie. (We haven't done that. Seriously. Though the Polka Palace episode would be a good one.) And when the situation does actually present itself - when the heavens open and the god of sex (John Holmes) smiles down upon us - I find that I'm smelly and covered in spit-up. Or I haven't shaved in a week. And that's not hot.

Now, I fully realize that Beth asked something similar (but not quite the same) a while back but I'm inherently lazy and want to hear what you think. When do you find time to, you know, do it?

Posted by Chris at May 28, 2008 7:18 AM
Comments

If you find a solution give me some tips for when this one arrives!
Pol x

Posted by: Pol at May 28, 2008 8:02 AM

My husband is quite fond of the "waking the wife up at 2 a.m." method.

Posted by: Sarah at May 28, 2008 8:06 AM

Looking forward to finding out if anyone has any solutions...because dude...there's nothing sexy about us on any given night after 9pm...especially when I know there's a 4am wake-up call. Fun times!

I'm assured by other friends that this WILL change...but the question remains...how?

We do have a vacation planned for August...can that be my answer? I have sex in August.

Posted by: wn at May 28, 2008 8:13 AM

Sadly, we don't. I work days and dh works nights and we are NEVER alone when the boys are asleep. I'd like to hear some suggestions :-)

Posted by: Alissa at May 28, 2008 8:16 AM

We try to dump the kids off on one set of grandparents one evening a month so we can have date night, get drunk and have some fun.

Posted by: Josh at May 28, 2008 8:38 AM

My youngest is 3, so we usually mumble something about needing to do some computer work (computer is in the room), lock the door, and hope that the oldest (13) will have enough sense to stop her if she, say, runs into traffic or tries to light a fire. Our stats are getting better but we still are at about a 42% success rate (the other 58% of the time our lovely plan is foiled by knocks and cries for cereal/juice/that pink toy/etc.).

Posted by: Mymilabean at May 28, 2008 8:58 AM

This may not *actually* help any, seeing as how I only have 1 child (who is 9 months) and he goes to bed at 8 and stays asleep and then on weekends, naps for 2 hours. SO, to answer the question anyway, it's tough to actually do anything at night because one or both of us is exhausted. However, I think we manage it about everyone other night to every 2 nights. The best time is on weekends when he's napping. We're both cognizant and the boy's sound asleep.

This sounds like I am bragging but I assure you I don't mean that. This topic comes up on a message board I frequent and I consider us very lucky because these women report physical contact with their husbands on a basis of maybe 1-2 times a month!

Owen sounds like a good kid; maybe his nap schedule will even out and so too might Mia's. Maybe you just have to be patient. Not that that was the answer you wanted!

Posted by: claire at May 28, 2008 9:11 AM

Not often enough, my friend. Not often enough.

We manage to do the deed about once a week - usually on a weekend night after the kids have gone to bed. We have to "schedule" it - not formally, but more with a strong statement of "we ARE going to have sex tonight, right?" That way everyone is showered and clean and we get the kids into bed a little earlier that night. It's not the most romantic and it's certainly not spontaneous, but it's the best we can do right now.

I will say, that if my husband employed the "wake the wife up at 2 am method" he would face extremely DIRE consequences. And he knows it. I do not recommend most men go that route unless they're 100% sure their wives are OK with it.

Posted by: Kimberly at May 28, 2008 9:21 AM

Oh, I am waiting to see the suggestions on this one! My little sweetie boy is 7 months old and I think I can count on one hand the number of times my hubby and I have had sex since then. Looking forward to hearing what other parents have to say on this topic for sure.

Posted by: craftylildevil at May 28, 2008 9:38 AM

Well you don't want my answer because my boyfriend and I have lived in our home for nine years and we have no children and we are still young so we do it when ever and where ever we want...

I just don't understand why he likes to do it in the middle of the night when I am asleep, I have always wondered what in the hell that man is dreaming about.

Good Luck!

Posted by: Kelly M. at May 28, 2008 9:48 AM

You have to set priorities. Sex or sleep? Sex or shower? Sex or screaming kid? Sex or food? Sex or sleeping wife?

If you pick something else over sex then you must not want it that bad.

Youngsters can’t tell time. Put them to bed at 7:30, put the hard hat on and go to work. Even if they don’t stay in bed, unless the hallway between their room and yours is strewn with concertina wire (which might be a good idea) you’re golden. Keep the door locked and be vewwy, vewwy qwiet.

Posted by: Bob at May 28, 2008 9:53 AM

We've all but given up on sex after dark. Seriously, those hours are reserved for decompressing and sleep. Weekends, days off, work from home days are key for us. We hit it in the mornings before the kids wake up (caution: morning breath) and in the afternoon when the sleepy one is sleeping and the good one is watching a Dora or movie. Lock the door, make it happen.

And if your kid hasn't learned how to be alone for 30 minutes... just keep hope alive (and screw in the shower). She will.

Posted by: Brad at May 28, 2008 10:14 AM

I find this question quite troubling and unsettling. You've had two children. Isn't that enough? We all know sex is ONLY for procreation and you've proved to us you can procrate quite well. I say call it a day and embrace the fact that your parents now. And we know parents DO.NOT have sex. EVER. You hear me? EVER.

ew.

Also, much luck to you in this knocking boots envedeavor. I know, that contradicts what I said above but I have a feeling you're not going to listen to my first piece of advice so I'm just gonna jump on the sexy train and tag along for ride. Wait. That sounded dirrty, didn't it? Eh. I'll stick with it. Because that's how I roll.

Posted by: patricia at May 28, 2008 10:27 AM

It's never been a problem for us actually - as the fact we have 5 kids probably testifies!

he has also tried the 'wake her up at 2' a couple of times and I've (aparently) thumped him!

Posted by: mamacrow at May 28, 2008 10:29 AM

I'll be honest that my husband is never too tired. He'll tell you that unless he has recently (as in the last hour) lost a limb, he's fine with it.

I however, am always too tired these days. So after much gnashing of teeth, I have decided that I'm going to be tired anyway, so what's another 30 minutes (or an hour, you know whatever)

In short, I guess you'd say we just power through it because when we aren't... you know... it's a definite difference in our marriage.

We also rely on Grandma visits overnight every couple months.

Posted by: donna at May 28, 2008 10:39 AM

I don't have children and I haven't had sex in months, so I am no help what so ever.

Posted by: Anonymous at May 28, 2008 10:49 AM

Not often, sadly.

Posted by: Shelly at May 28, 2008 11:36 AM

My hubby travels Mon-Fri, and with a 2 1/2 yr old and a 5 1/2 yr old that is desperately seeking his attention when he is home on the weekends, so it is difficult. It generally ends up cutting into our sleep, reading, or movie watching, but honestly, I would prefer sex over any movie or book.

Maybe if we start seeing less book reviews from you, we would see you smiling a bit more!

Posted by: Jen at May 28, 2008 11:43 AM

well since we're trying for a second child (and can't leave it up to chance with our fertility issues) we have to manage every other day. Luckily our first child is now 2 and so it's easier these days. We just have to make sure we're on the same page (talk about it earlier in the day) and go to bed a little earlier than usual.

But way back when we usually managed by either showering together (while baby was asleep in the swing and with one ear cocked towards the baby monitor) or a quickie right before falling asleep.

Definitely the hour long marathons have been out of the picture for a long time. Who has the energy?!

Posted by: Angela at May 28, 2008 11:51 AM

I'll tell you what I told your wife. You have to make time for it or get up early and have sex. See my response on her site to the same question.

Other than that. Dude, you have to clear your schedules. You make time for all that other stuff, why not your wife? Same goes for her.

Just to let you know, we dropped our daughters off at the mall this weekend - a 15 YO and a 5 YO - and ran home and had sex.


~Jef

Posted by: Edge at May 28, 2008 11:52 AM

With four dogs, (kids are grown and gone) I do this. First ask Hubby if he is in the mood? If I get an affirmative I quickly take a shower, (I'm a clean freak, sue me) then I get the dogs each a rawhide bone grab Hubby and get him into bed (while closing the dogs out of the bedroom as they like to help) and then we just "do it".
After 20 years this is as romantic as it gets! Ha!

Posted by: Maribeth at May 28, 2008 12:59 PM

I find that if you wait till the youngest turns 5 you have a fighting chance then. So you only need to wait, what, 5 years!

Posted by: Jeff A at May 28, 2008 1:28 PM

By that schedule looks to me you guys are golden about 9:15p. Even you can stay up an extra 30 minutes, right?

(Stay up -- heh heh)

Posted by: Pammer at May 28, 2008 1:53 PM

As the mom of a 10 and 5 year old - I am one of the lucky ones. This was just never a problem. My boys have always went to bed at 8:30 (yes, even when they were infants. God blessed me with sleepers) and slept until around 7. Both napped until they were 5 - and there was always time during nap time - even if the oldest was watching a movie - to take a little "nap" ourselves. We were rarely too tired and we had a "not in the mood isn't a valid excuse" rule. Of course, there were exceptions, but normally, a few minutes of snuggling and whoever wasn't in the mood to begin with - was. It worked for us. Well - until it didn't work. But that's a different story all together.

Posted by: Mindy at May 28, 2008 2:09 PM

Regarding putting the kids in front of the TV or fooling around when they are napping: be warned that whilst you are doing the wild thing on the living room couch, your precious toddler may be finger painting the contents of her diaper all over her bedroom walls. Not that this ever happened to us in the very distant past. I just heard this rumour...

Posted by: Procrastamom at May 28, 2008 2:28 PM

With twins it was not easy and most times the sleep vs. sex ended in delirious, sweet, sweet.... sleep! Now that they are older (19 months) we are of the scheduled variety (not romantic, but it gets the job done). Weekends mostly and we plan ahead. Showers, shaving, etc. are all done while we're both home and then WHAMMO, the minute the kiddos are in bed asleep we're ready. We can sometimes squeeze in a mid-day napper, but with naps being so inconsistent, that is not a sure thing.

You have lots of family in town - I say take advantage as much as possible. And sad to say, resign yourself to the fact that for the next couple of years sex gets pushed to the backburner more than you would like. =)

Posted by: lesley at May 28, 2008 2:58 PM

Except for the rare occasion that you and Beth might be able to take a vacation, rent a hotel room for the night or ditch the kids with grandparents for a night, the days of totally HOT sex are over for quite a while. Hopefully you two can make up for it on the occasions mentioned above. Ya just have to take the opportunities to have sex when you get them.. hot or not. If the level of funkyness is just too much to bear, then I'd suggest shower sex.

Posted by: Suzy at May 28, 2008 2:59 PM

i don't understand. sex occurs, um, every single night in our house. but i guess my kids are older. and they are all in bed by 8. and then my door gets closed. and the husband comes home between 8-11...and it gets done somewhere in there.

maybe you just need to work some quickies into your calendar there...

Posted by: ali at May 28, 2008 3:30 PM

Maybe if you read just one fewer book a week? I don't know... books don't care if you smell.

Posted by: Jodi at May 28, 2008 4:07 PM

What's the matter with you people?!

It takes about 15 minutes of your time!

Posted by: Phil at May 28, 2008 4:47 PM

We've put the two oldest, 5 and 3, in front of the TV watching Blue's Clues. The youngest wasn't around for that.

Now that there are 3 of them, it usually happens when all of them are sleeping during the day, and more likely than not after everyone is in bed.

Posted by: Rex at May 28, 2008 9:13 PM

We only have the one, he's 7 and a sounds sleeper. Sort of, you know, night time. The running interferes with the nookie more because we are too zonked for sex.

It'll get better.

Posted by: Nat at May 28, 2008 9:18 PM

Okay, one time where being a single parent makes it easier. I don't plan on nookie unless the ex has the kids. Ever. And yes, even though he's a loon I agreed to joint custody. If not, I wouldn't have sex until the youngest (three) was in college. I decided fifteen was a bit long to wait.

Posted by: Foilwoman at May 28, 2008 11:00 PM

Ok this sounds horribly unromantic (and I didn't read through to see if anyone does this) but we schedule it. Every Tuesday night, whether we want to or not! Somehow it always works out though. :)

Posted by: tulip at May 28, 2008 11:18 PM

The boyfriend and I have issues because, well, we live in my parents house, he works midnight shift, and I work a normal shift. Oh, and we don't share bedrooms and when he is in my room, my door is to remain open. (I'm 21 for cripes sake) so we're lucky for once a week. I'm still trying to figure out how to solve our delima. If I figure a way, I will help with yours, too. =)

Posted by: secha at May 29, 2008 6:48 AM

Offer to do one of your wife's normal household chores in exchange for equal time in the sack. I guarantee you'll get laid much more often.

Posted by: Monica at May 30, 2008 8:53 PM

You know, I knew Rude Cactus sounded familiar. You've actually been a Flickr friend of mine for years. I went under the name "Lizzola" and now go under "Sinksanctity". In fact we're friends on facebook, heh. (I'm Elizabeth Moorehead.) Anyway, I had no idea we lived in the same area. We're actually moving from the evil suburbs back into the District, my hometown in a little under two months. :)

Anyway, enough of that.

As for finding time for sex... sometimes it gets hectic. Sometimes it's not possible. When things get insufferable, we try not to aim TOO high. I'll give him a quick fellating, or we'll just do quick make outs. Something sexual to make us feel wanted, and then when sexy time finally does arrive, it doesn't feel like forever since we've shown each other that we want the other.

I don't know if that helps.

Posted by: What Liz Said at May 31, 2008 1:15 AM

You know, I knew Rude Cactus sounded familiar. You've actually been a Flickr friend of mine for years. I went under the name "Lizzola" and now go under "Sinksanctity". In fact we're friends on facebook, heh. (I'm Elizabeth Moorehead.) Anyway, I had no idea we lived in the same area. We're actually moving from the evil suburbs back into the District, my hometown in a little under two months. :)

Anyway, enough of that.

As for finding time for sex... sometimes it gets hectic. Sometimes it's not possible. When things get insufferable, we try not to aim TOO high. I'll give him a quick fellating, or we'll just do quick make outs. Something sexual to make us feel wanted, and then when sexy time finally does arrive, it doesn't feel like forever since we've shown each other that we want the other.

I don't know if that helps.

Posted by: What Liz Said at May 31, 2008 1:16 AM

Until my son was in 6th grade and started peewee football practice, it was always at night, very quietly (the kid had hearing like a hawk!). I think it also had something to do with turning 40 (life DOES begin at 40!) Once sports started it was "damn the torpedos, full steam ahead!". Now that he's 17 with a more active social life than I ever had, we have the house to ourselves regularly.
Since after 21 years of togetherness with my husband my advice is this: keep the love alive, keep the romance going, give your relationship priority over your children (because some couples throw themselves into their kid's lives so much they become strangers) and above all, BE PATIENT because you WILL find down the road the time to have sex when ever and where ever you want to, you just have to continue to maintain the relationship to both want to be there when it happens!

Posted by: NancyB at May 31, 2008 9:03 AM

Life with kids is tiring and sleep is my friend. In my world, a 'quick game is a good game!'

Posted by: del at June 1, 2008 8:30 AM

Life with kids is tiring and sleep is my friend. In my world, a 'quick game is a good game!'

Posted by: del at June 1, 2008 8:30 AM

Life with kids is tiring and sleep is my friend. In my world, a 'quick game is a good game!'

Posted by: del at June 1, 2008 8:30 AM

According to Bryan, we don't.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at June 3, 2008 5:34 PM

We have four kids ages 10,7,4 and 2. We can manage to have sex three times a day if we want to. My husband's job is very demanding mind you. We'll our house is close to his work place so lunch time is always a good time. And whenever all the kids are home we just tell them daddy and mommy will have sex do not disturb us. They're kind of use to it. The three of them tease us a bit. But it's just natural for them that mom and dad should not be disturb because we are doing you know what.

Posted by: Mary at January 21, 2011 7:54 PM

We have four kids ages 10,7,4 and 2. We can manage to have sex three times a day if we want to. My husband's job is very demanding mind you. We'll our house is close to his work place so lunch time is always a good time. And whenever all the kids are home we just tell them daddy and mommy will have sex do not disturb us. They're kind of use to it. The three of them tease us a bit. But it's just natural for them that mom and dad should not be disturb because we are doing you know what.

Posted by: Mary at January 21, 2011 7:55 PM

Owen sounds like a good kid; maybe his nap schedule will even out and so too might Mia's. Maybe you just have to be patient. Not that that was the answer you wanted!

Posted by: isis draw at August 25, 2011 9:50 AM

Maybe if you read just one fewer book a week? I don't know... books don't care if you smell.GooD Luck!

Posted by: Morgan Freeman at September 12, 2011 9:01 AM

I think, this theme is quite actual now. This sounds like I am bragging but I assure you I don't mean that. This topic comes up on a message board I frequent and I consider us very lucky because these women report physical contact with their husbands on a basis of maybe 1-2 times a month!

Posted by: Camarad at September 14, 2011 9:54 AM


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