May 8, 2008

Wrong Number (Confusion In Three Acts)

Act One
Me: Hello?
Her: Hi. When we spoke yesterday you told me you'd be at my house between the hours of 8 and 11. It's 1:45 and I haven't seen you yet. Are you invisible or just late? I need to run some errands including a very important visit to the county offices so I cannot sit around to wait for you to come install my cable. So I ask you, when are you going to be here?
Me: Uh.
Her: Is that your answer young man? "Uh?" I hardly think that's an answer to my question.
Me: Hold the phone. You are somewhere around the 14th irate and, honestly, strange person who's called me today. Apparently I am very late for my appointments. Apparently I'm a reasonably unreliable guy. Apparently I have either woken up in either a different body or alternate universe. Because, apparently, I'm a cable installer. But in this reality, I'm an IT security consultant who knows virtually nothing about cable installation or repair.
Her: Why would I be waiting around for an IT security consultant to install my cable?
Me: I don't think you're quite getting my point.
Her: Which is...?
Me: Your cable installer guy gave you and half the known universe my number, not his.
Her: So you're not going to come install my cable?
Me: I don't think you'd want me to do that. You'd end up with The Weather Channel on every channel. In Spanish.

Act Two
Dear Comcast Subscribers,

If I may be so bold, I can do a lot of things pretty well. I'm darn good at what I do for a living. I take a mean photograph and write an okay song. I play the guitar, bass, piano and drums. I draw, though admittedly I can only draw a few things well. I ride horses and bikes. I can fire a gun with pretty decent accuracy. I write. I can design a computer network. I can design a website. I'm a good husband and probably a better father. The one thing I cannot do is install or fix your cable. So stop calling me. Don't get me wrong - I feel for you. I've been the victim of those maintenance windows and I know how often they're actually accurate. But I'm not the guy who's going to make that right. Blame the guy who gave you my phone number instead of his.

Warm Regards,

Act Three
Dear Comcast Cable Installer Guy,

Hey, asshat! Stop giving out my phone number or I'll have to pull off my diseased left arm and beat you with it.

Yours in Christ,

Posted by Chris at May 8, 2008 6:55 AM

I feel for you. My home number was on the Mount Holly utilities maintenance repair website for about a year. Whenever some poor bastard’s waterline flooded their basement, I had desperate messages on my answering machine. I felt bad for some of them and had to call them back.

Posted by: Bob at May 8, 2008 7:21 AM

Just some more proof that Comcast is the devil.

Posted by: harrylips at May 8, 2008 7:26 AM

Sad. I bet she hung up not knowing that she had been had. Someone working for Comcast would not give out an incorrect number.

Posted by: Maria at May 8, 2008 8:14 AM

Did you see on my blog yesterday that I received a phone call from a doctor's office, which addressed me by name, asking me to call them back? The doctor's office is in Stockton, CA and I never, ever went to a doctor in Stockton while I lived in CA. It was...bizarre.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at May 8, 2008 8:25 AM

that's what she said!

Posted by: chatty cricket at May 8, 2008 8:28 AM

That was funny. I get weird calls all the time at my office. I hate it when they are going a mile a minute and you cant get a word in. When they finally do stop to take a breath and I can explain to them that they have called a retail corporate office, they get offended as if it is all my fault. Go figure

Posted by: at May 8, 2008 8:29 AM

You will not believe this, but my second phone line, (used mostly for my fax machine, but I also use it as my second phone line) gets these sort of calls all the time. Only mine is for this asshat named Blake who once had my number and still gives it out as his own. Apparently said asshat, likes to run up large credit card bills and I get all sorts of calls from collection agencies! There are days I just want to scream! Thanks for the forum to get these feelings out!!!!!!!

Posted by: Maribeth at May 8, 2008 8:35 AM

Ha ha I hate when numbers get mixed. For a time, I had people calling me about the condo I was apparently selling and they were so mad to find I was not, in fact, a landlord and/or property owner.

Posted by: claire at May 8, 2008 8:46 AM

Heh. Good morning, Sunshine!

Want some good news? I was supposed to have jury duty today. The trial was cancelled. Apparently I got all of your karmic lottery winnings today. Thank you!

Posted by: Paige at May 8, 2008 8:49 AM

Oh, no. That's incredibly annoying.

When I was a teenager my parents thought it would be a good idea to get an 800 number for the house so my brothers and I could always call home no matter what (this was before cell phones, of course). Within a month of getting the number, we were getting phone calls from overseas (Germany, mostly, some from France, England, Ireland, and one from Italy) for some international travel agency. And since it was an 800 number, my parents had to pay for them.

They disconnected it shortly after the first month.

Posted by: Alissa at May 8, 2008 9:06 AM

You: You're a dirty dirty whore.
Her: Pardon?!?!?!?
You: You heard me. Ho bag. Tell them the guy from COMCAST said so. *click*

Cue the circus music.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at May 8, 2008 9:32 AM

He's obviously a moron. OR an evil genius. Either way, do these people really want HIM installing their cable?

Posted by: Tink at May 8, 2008 9:35 AM

I love how she didn't get it.

The cable guy here usually gives me a three hour window and shows up RIGHT AT THE VERY BEGINNING. I love it.

But that's neither here nor there.

Change your number. :)

Posted by: cassandra at May 8, 2008 9:43 AM

Tell the Comcast people that they called Time Warner Cable instead.

Posted by: jessica at May 8, 2008 9:44 AM

Similiar but different...

Local radio station is running a contest to win free gas. The phone number is one number different than my husbands cell number - he has had a ton of people calling his number to participate in the contest.

Posted by: steff at May 8, 2008 10:13 AM

Just another reason to not like Comcast. It must have been a new guy? I'm still cracking up though about the lady who just didn't have a clue that she didn't actually call the Comcast office.

Posted by: Grace at May 8, 2008 10:15 AM

"Yours in Christ" Peace out man!!!!!

Posted by: mary at May 8, 2008 11:28 AM

"Yours in Christ." Gets me every time. Oh, the chuckles.

P.S. Want to redesign my blog? :-)

Posted by: GreenCanary at May 8, 2008 11:43 AM

Nearly three years after we moved into our house and for some strange reason we're still getting calls for Safeway. . .people call to ask me if the strawberries are on sale this week. They seem very confused when I tell them it's a private residence. We also get mail addressed to the Latin Dance Institute, which is apparently located in our house. Not sure where though, as it's a pretty small abode.

Posted by: Beth at May 8, 2008 11:58 AM

It may be karma dude. Quit using the baby Jesus or references to Christ and He may cut you some slack!

On the other hand, now that you have mentioned Comcast in a post, they should be contacting you any moment now. They called me the next day! Apparently they have nothing better to do than troll blogs looking for references to their crap service!

Posted by: Jeff A at May 8, 2008 11:59 AM

You had me at guitar, piano, bass and drums and completely lost me at diseased arm.

Posted by: Mr Lady at May 8, 2008 12:27 PM

That was awesome. I don't come here nearly as much as I should. Sorry about your GRANDPA had shingles. Heh. So, gonna be here to hook me up or what? I'm missing Maury.

Posted by: Kate at May 8, 2008 12:44 PM

I particularly love the "yours in Christ" . . . classic.

What a PITA.

Posted by: Mindy at May 8, 2008 12:53 PM

Once some guy named "Benny" who has several drunk and half-illiterate friends gave our numbers our to same set of friends. We would get calls at all hours of the night, "Benny there? NO. DUDE. BENNY THERE?!?" in this gruff, alcohol-induced haze.

It was WAY FUN when Bryan started fucking with them! Hooray!

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at May 8, 2008 1:37 PM

Poland Springs (the water co.) once printed my grandmother's phone number in ads that all over the state...they left off the 1-800 part. My family lived with her at the time.

That was fun times right there. Poland Springs gave her a water cooler for agreeing to change her phone number (something she reeeeally didn't want to do). We still have it.

Posted by: Kate at May 8, 2008 2:20 PM

Ahahahhaa....I love how quick and witty you are. I would have just said, " have the wrong number."

And...ouch....beating someone with your own limb is harsh, dude.

Posted by: Lani at May 8, 2008 2:35 PM

When my old white trash roommate moved out of my apartment in college, I started getting lots of hang-up and crank phone calls, so I changed my number to an unpublished one. Apparently, the new number used to belong to a pool service, so instead of getting harrassing calls from my old roommate and her low class friends, I got people wanting to make appointments to get their pools serviced/cleaned, or people ticked because their standing appointments for said services had not been honored.

Posted by: MamaKaren at May 8, 2008 2:46 PM

Last week a woman called my cell phone asking for Brian. Well, that is my husband's name so I asked if I could take a message. She told me to tell him that his wife called. I said that was impossible since I was his wife.
What are the odds that would happen?

People are crazy.

Posted by: kali at May 8, 2008 3:52 PM

Our number used to be one different from the local 7-11. That was fun ;)

Posted by: Heather at May 8, 2008 5:01 PM

i swear this kind of shit, along with the strange bathroom scenarios, happen to you because of the splendidly entertaining way you manage to tell the stories. you make it all worthwhile. well, for us, at least.

also, when is "You can call me, 'Sir'" gonna start a blog? gracious sakes, i have a feeling it would be totally boss.

boss? yeah, i guess....

Posted by: jessica at May 8, 2008 10:27 PM

And my question is did the guy purposely give out the wrong number? or was he just retarded?

Here's my similar story, my husband was interviewing applicants for a job, and there was one person he liked so he tried to call him. The number on the resume was wrong, and went to the guys old job's cell phone. Apparently he was still giving out resumes with a phone number he hadn't had in almost a year.

Did I mention this job was for a phone tech?? LOL

Posted by: Steph at May 9, 2008 12:22 PM

I agree with Lani, you're much faster on your feet than I am about that sort of thing.

About a year after I got my cell phone, I started getting calls for Ralph, who had stopped paying all his bills, judging from the number of calls I got. I got tired of saying, through clenched teeth, "this STILL isn't Ralph!", so I just changed my voicemail message to say that and stopped answering my cell.

Posted by: Rachel at May 10, 2008 1:22 PM