June 10, 2008

Deferens of Opinion

Beth: So, you're not going to like this conversation but I have a question.
Me: Oh goody. I love questions that start off like that.
Beth: If I die tomorrow...
Me: This is a crappy subject.
Beth: ...I'd want you to be happy and get remarried and stuff. And if that happened, do you think you'd want to have kids with whoever it is you remarry?
Me: Uh. You don't expect me to have an answer for that right now, right?
Beth: Why wouldn't you?
Me: Well, seconds ago we were sitting here all married and stuff watching House Hunters and now you're dead and I'm shacking up with some chick I'm pondering having kids with. I've got a small case of mental whiplash.
Beth: Focus. So, would you?
Me: Can I ask why we're talking about this?
Beth: Because I'd hate to push the whole vasectomy thing if you might actually need that ability again.
Me: Crap. I hadn't thought of that nor did I want to but now I'll have to.

I left the question unanswered because a) mental carcrash without an airbag b) holy hard question, Batman and c) that's fucking depressing. The question required a lot of theorizing that I'd rather not do plus it's a cascading questions - a question that requires many other questions to be answered and may cause your head to explode. Like, how the fuck do I keep my shit together much less Mia and Owen, should something happen to Beth? Does New Wife have kids? Do I want more? Does she want more? Is she hot (I know, off topic but the mind wanders)?

Beth and I are done having kids. In fact, if we had any more, you'd find me in my darkened basement in a fetal position rocking back and forth mumbling pointlessly and helplessly cursing our virulent and highly productive nether regions. Our hands are full, both literally and metaphorically. So I noodled the vasectomy thing around in my head for a while and came to the firm conclusion that I was going to buy a few bags of frozen peas and go under the knife. I mean, neither I nor my scrotum are thrilled by the idea but it's the least I can do. Beth endured two major surgeries to bring Mia and Owen into the world. Getting a snip in the ball sack is the least I can do to hold up my end of our reproductive (or non-reproductive) bargain. Though I will admit I recoil when I think about it too hard. But really those better be magic peas made from a spell cast by genital-free wood nymphs with the power to rid balls of all pain. Or there better be good drugs available.

What I'm trying to say is that - regardless of the what ifs in life - I don't think I'm going to change my mind and do an about face. My vas deferens aren't going to get a last minute reprieve. But Beth's question is a good one. Because having a ball-sacectomy has a certain implication of permanence. Kinda like the tattoo artist who, back in 1986, asked you, "do you really want a full body tattoo of the band Night Ranger because one day that might be kinda uncool?"

Given similar circumstances, what would you do? And if you go the way of Elvis (assuming he's dead which I'm not sure I buy), what do you hope happens after you're gone?

Posted by Chris at June 10, 2008 7:17 AM
Comments

my husband's uncle had 2 teenaged kids and a vasectomy...his wife left...he married a much younger woman...she wanted kids... she "made" him reverse it... (what magic did this woman possess?) every month she didn't "miss" she made him miserable (even tho she was informed at that time the odds were maybe 60/40 of it "taking")... after 2 years...and adopting a korean baby, they had success! the reversal i'm told was much worse than the first cut... maybe you could save some in a jar? in case...

as for me? this bitch was spayed at a very young age when asked the same hypothetical question as your wife put to you? my answer was...if i discovered later that i indeed wanted children, i would purposefully look for someone who had them... there are so many out there who are alone with children... who hope the person they are seeing wants children and especially theirs ya know? my mom was in that boat... and it never happened...until both my brother and i were way long gone from home.

Posted by: the unicorn at June 10, 2008 7:32 AM

This is another difficult, awful question - but you should consider it - what if something happens to both your kids - do you and Beth want to have more?

I won't even attempt to provide advice...not having kids yet I don't think I'm qualified to answer that question...

Posted by: Amy at June 10, 2008 7:50 AM

I should probably shut it since I don't have kids and too old to have any now, but you asked. :-)

I would focus on the positive (that nothing will happen to my spouse and we'll grow old together) and go for it. It is reversible if it ever comes to that.

When I am gone, I hope my husbands remarries a sexy young thing and has the time of his life.

P.S. I have a wee crush on Beth now for starting this conversation and for her POV.

Posted by: Maria at June 10, 2008 8:05 AM

Why? Why would anyone who was married once...after all the hard work and what not get married again?

Keep the Sac intact is what I say.

Posted by: William at June 10, 2008 8:07 AM

The husband and I have had this conversation and my feeling is "bank 'em" Start a little residence at your local sperm bank and call them the "just in case" family. This way if the time comes you've got options and hopefully it never happens.

Posted by: Cass at June 10, 2008 8:07 AM

From the POV of the second wife who wanted a child of her own, even though I love his two children from his first marriage, I am very happy he didn't get the big V. That said, if we are done having babies, and that's a whole other subject in our house, he will be asked to get it done now. When we first started getting serious and talked about this stuff, it would have probably been a deal breaker for me if he wasn't willing/able to have a child with me.

Posted by: kmum at June 10, 2008 8:16 AM

Mental whiplash...no kidding! I would be on the save 'em and snip wagon, I think.
If I were gone, I'd want my spouse to be able to find someone else, eventually...after a suitably long and very, very sad period. (I can only wish sadness since I don't know this person yet, so it's not so bad as wishing sadness on someone you already love, I think?)

Posted by: Heather at June 10, 2008 8:22 AM

I know very little of the medical specifics, but as far as I understand it, a vasectomy is reversible, so if having the Big V means you'll be "getting some" more often/easily/comfortably/whatever, then maybe it isn't such a difficult choice.

Ultimately, though, this points to a larger question: will you (do you) make decisions now on a contingency for something happening in your marriage, be it death or divorce? (Because really, it's the same net impact if she leaves you through natural means or legal means.) Or do you live your life with the belief that, for as far as you can see into the future, you're set for eternity with Beth?

Posted by: SciFi Dad at June 10, 2008 8:26 AM

My husband asks me sometimes if I would remarry and I never want to talk about it either. BUT, in this situation, we are also considering him a vasectomy after #2 and if I were to somehow kick it, I would definitely want him to remarry. The good thing is that there's a pretty good chance that a vasectomy can be successfully reversed. So in the case that he may want to breed after I'm gone, he'd have that option.

Posted by: claire at June 10, 2008 8:29 AM

My husband and I had the very same conversation last night. Good to know Beth and I share a brain, b/c I was using the same logic.

Posted by: jodifur at June 10, 2008 8:36 AM

Damn.

My husband already had one when we got together, and he's pretty overwhelmed with his 1 plus our 2 - in fact we had the appt for the snip set before the littlest was born!

I think if I croaked somehow, though, he'd be left with our two kids and he'd be so overwhelmed he would be thanking his lucky stars he couldn't further procreate.

Posted by: sarah at June 10, 2008 8:39 AM

Duh. When I said he already had "one" - I meant a kid, not a vasectomy. Vasectomy came later.

Posted by: sarah at June 10, 2008 8:40 AM

I never wanted my husband to have anything like that done because you just never know what could happen and after our second child his gallbladder and appendix freaked out all before that childs first birthday so I did not want him getting any more procedures done.

Posted by: Steff at June 10, 2008 9:00 AM

Funny you write about this because I'm sure it will come up in my life in the next few years...

Here's my ten cents, my two cents is free. My feelings are this, should my wife die tomorrow, I don't think I would ever get remarried. What happens if you get remarried and then you die...your child now lives with someone that really has no blood connection to them. Will the treat them well, take care of them as you would? If you don't remarry you can set it up where in case you die, your children can go live with a relative that you trust and know would raise them as you would...

my 2 cents

Posted by: darren at June 10, 2008 9:08 AM

Okay, I'm not sure if I were a guy and I had a V, and then my wife died, yada, yada, I'm just not sure I would want to go through MAJOR SURGERY to have the V reversed. One doc told me this: Having your tubes tied is the best bet for a couple, because if she ever changes her mind they can always harvest her eggs and she can have the baby.
If you do do this, I'll send popcycles for after the operation. And they aren't to eat!

Posted by: Maribeth at June 10, 2008 9:19 AM

I don't know what to tell you. My thinking is that if you two happy people don't want another child now, then your not going to suddenly want more children if and when the other one is gone.

I think kids are great, but his and her kids with later marriages is difficult work and the statistics back it up.

Lynn got fixed 6 months or more ago, but he hasn't followed up with his doctor to ensure that it all took. So, I'm still on birth control.

Posted by: Diane at June 10, 2008 9:24 AM

this is so funny...we had friends over last weekend and he said he'd never get a vasectomy. his reason? in case his wife dies and he wants to have more kids. i swear!
i had never heard that argument before!

Posted by: ali at June 10, 2008 9:25 AM

Read this: www.mattlogelin.com
Makes you want to hug your family and never ever let go.
On to the V-question: Go for it.

Posted by: Dee at June 10, 2008 9:27 AM

My husband has his appointment set for August and I'm actually the one having second thoughts. I know I don't want more children, but since I have had a serious illness in my past, I sometimes think I should be getting the procedure done. Except it's much more complicated for me than it is for him and he assures me he's done having children as well. I'm still sort of struggling with it, but give you all the credit in the world for following through with it if you so desire.

Posted by: Susan at June 10, 2008 9:35 AM

Oddly enough, my wife and I had almost the same conversation a few months back. She's now wishing that she had had her tubes tied when she had her c-section for the 2nd baby. I have no doubts that I'll be having the frozen-pea experience myself, but I'll probably be waiting until next year, when I can put the surgery cost on my health-care spending account.

Posted by: Ross at June 10, 2008 9:42 AM

Reversible.

REVERSIBLE!

Wait, what's the percentage of successful reversals?

I don't have any vas deferens to snip, so I can't tell you what I'd do. I wouldn't get my tubes tied, though. (Although, never say never.)

Posted by: Poppy at June 10, 2008 9:43 AM

We knew that after Kate was born David would have one. Our family is perfect with our three girls and he is certain that he doesn't want more children even if I die. He just scheduled it for next month.

It doesn't sound pleasant but at least they use some sedation to get him through it (and here I find myself unable to add: this was certainly not the case with my three distinctly unpleasant c-sections).

Posted by: Laura GF at June 10, 2008 9:45 AM

I'm in the same boat, I'd made up my mind to go under the knife and then we started thinking. Not only crazy stuff about car crashes and kids with my second wife, because I'm not going there, period -- not making plans based on a potential castrophe -- but thinking things like, hell... what if we won the lottery? Who knows what we're going to want in five years? I know if 'we' got pregnant right now I'd be looking for a tall bridge to jump off but who knows what five years down the road will bring?

But my wife is down with hormonal pills and I'm not wearing rubbers ever again. So this Friday she gets a five year IUD that puts out a tiny tiny amount of progestin or something, it last five years and is statistically more effective then a vascetomy -- don't ask me how that could be but that's what they say. Then in five years with a little time and perspective on life with two kids we'll think about it again.

Posted by: Aaron at June 10, 2008 9:48 AM

This is something I had a hard time with as well...despite the fact we had 4 kids in roughly 5 years!! We knew in theory we didn't want any more but I especially was young, what if I changed my mind? What if in 5 yrs we were better off and everything was hunky dorey, then what? Or what if we split up, remarried, and our new sig. others wanted one of their own & Not just my demon spawn?! So many "what-ifs" and quite frankly I still wasn't certain when I went under and had my tubes tied

but I felt better after he had it done and one of the girls head butted him right in the sac 10 mins after he walked in the door! >:)

We both got done b/c fertility is def. not a prob in my family - my mom had her tubes tied & 4 years later, had my sister!! We weren't taking any chances lol

Good Luck to you & your sac Mr Cactus ;)

Posted by: Kris at June 10, 2008 10:05 AM

My cousin married a man who had had a vasectomy after having 3 kids with his first wife. He had it reversed and they just had a baby about 6 months ago. Granted, it took a long time and some fertility treatments, but it's not entirely out of the question to de-permanentize it, should the unexpected happen.

Posted by: Amy at June 10, 2008 10:13 AM

Beth may not love my response, but as I am also done having kids, I got the Mirena IUD. Stays in place for 5 years and you virtually quit having periods which is a BONUS. Very safe and effective. She might look into that if neither of you are comfortable with a permanent option.

Posted by: kalisa at June 10, 2008 10:25 AM

You can still rock in America.

Posted by: Annie at June 10, 2008 10:29 AM

I know I've been reading your blog for awhile when I recall the days you were first considering fatherhood and now you're considering the idea of a snip --

Very considerate of you to have this done. Good Cactus!

Posted by: dianne at June 10, 2008 10:41 AM

First, great title.

Second, I'm done. If Jen dies tomorrow and years later my wounded heart is partially (c'mon, it'll only be partially mended, ever) mended by a very hot girl in her mid 20s, she'll have to understand that I'm done having kids. It probably means this is my last marriage too, but I'm ok with that too.

Geez, I guess I just made my decision huh... It's one I've been pondering. Hey... would you go do it first and tell me about it because I trust you to be honest.

Posted by: Brad at June 10, 2008 10:45 AM

I'm 44 with 4 kids and I had a vasectomy last August. Best thing ever. The urologist managed the pain very well and I went home with some good drugs for later. Never needed the peas! I'm done having kids.

Posted by: Jame at June 10, 2008 10:58 AM

My hubby got the snip when our youngest (also named Owen) was 2 months old. We only wanted 2 children, and considering the complications I had with my emergency c-section with Owen, the snip was much easier than me getting fixed.

He would warn you though, make sure you are plumbed with the tubing at the surface, not behind things. My poor hubby's one side was hidden behind "things", not on the surface, so the doc had to dig/move parts to tie the tube off, which caused MAJOR pain. If he'd been normal (where tubing is right on the surface on both sides) he would've gone right back to work. But no, he spent a full day doped up on Vicoden and with ice on his sack.

I truly respect men that go through this procedure for their family. It shows maturity and respect for their wives.

Now about the death stuff, hubby and I are both done with children, unless something horrific happens to our 2 boys. Even if we would re-marry after divorce or death, neither want more than our boys. Just our choice.

Posted by: Katie at June 10, 2008 11:09 AM

Mostly I would just hope that if he remarries he does not need to marry a woman who ends up being a stepmother like the ones from Hansel & Gretel.

Posted by: Christina at June 10, 2008 11:17 AM

When I was pregnant with Lil Joe (baby #3), Hubby and I discussed how to deal with our situation. We had planned for two children, and while this 'bonus' child was fine, neither of us was thrilled with the prospect of another change to plans. Hubby, in no uncertain terms, let me know that the only logical solution was for me to have my tubes tied while I was on the operting table for the planned c-section, since he wanted to keep his fertility in the event that any tragedy took us away from him and he faced the prospect of remarriage.

While the final conclusion was reasonable enough (each of my pregnancies became progressively more difficult, so I'm not inclined to have another one; I was already planning to have surgery, so it made little sense for him to go through surgery as well), I have to say that the timing was bad. My pregnant brain heard "my swimmers are too precious to be dormant, and I need the ability to replace you with a trophy wife when you die."

Posted by: MamaKaren at June 10, 2008 11:24 AM

This has little to do with this post, but did you look at the picture on the wikipedia page that you linked to?

It appears that the male equipment is built into the leg of that unfortunate individual! That and he has a seriously saggy butt!

Posted by: Jeff A at June 10, 2008 11:33 AM

I personally know someone who had his vasectomy reversed successfully when his new wife wanted children. Not that I'm wishing that on you or anything, but just so you know it's not always permanent.

Posted by: heels at June 10, 2008 11:44 AM

This is easy-- I would never ask hubby to do something I'm not willing to do myself. Since I don't plan on getting my tubes tied or uterus removed any time soon, no matter what happens to him or our son, no way would I ask him to get snipped. Of course, I'm still having trouble convincing him to make baby #2!

Posted by: rebeccaeee at June 10, 2008 11:50 AM

First, the title of this post makes me proud! Heh. PUNS FOR EVERYONE!

Second, can I point out that often vasectomies can be reversed should you, for some reason, decide you want more underlings. :)

Third, if I go first I would HOPE husband would find someone else to love.... AFTER A WHILE!

Posted by: NotAMeanGirl at June 10, 2008 12:04 PM

Whoa - that's a lot of comments. Couldn't read through them all, so I hope I'm not reiterating anything that 30 others have said.

You can't live your life for the "what if's". You and Beth are the right now, Mia and Owen are the right now. You guys feel complete, so you are. Have the vasectomy. Otherwise you might be dealing with the "what if" third baby in your house. And if you were in the basement cowering in the fetal position, I wouldn't get my Cactus fix every day. And that would be sad.

Posted by: Latte Mommy at June 10, 2008 12:11 PM

I'd go with the Night Ranger tattoo.

Also, I'd get snipped. Two semi-clones of one person is enough, contrary to that show 'Eight is Enough', which was obviously infested with Catholic overachievers.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at June 10, 2008 1:05 PM

Funny, Zach and I were talking about this recently. I would want him to be happy -- whatever that meant. And the thing about a vasectomy and all that -- you just never know. I mean, there are so many more questions. If it happens when you're 60....then you probably won't want more kids. But if - god forbid - it happens in 5 years? 10 years?
Hard stuff to think about, but having witnessed the very unexpected death of a young-ish family member who did not have his affairs in order, and witnessing what happened to his wife and kids after....it was misery. Some of these questions can't possibly be answered until you're in that moment.
As for the rest? At least just make sure your will is current and signed. The rest will work itself out.

And PS -- No of course it's not you! ;)

Posted by: Caitlin at June 10, 2008 1:29 PM

Funny, Zach and I were talking about this recently. I would want him to be happy -- whatever that meant. And the thing about a vasectomy and all that -- you just never know. I mean, there are so many more questions. If it happens when you're 60....then you probably won't want more kids. But if - god forbid - it happens in 5 years? 10 years?
Hard stuff to think about, but having witnessed the very unexpected death of a young-ish family member who did not have his affairs in order, and witnessing what happened to his wife and kids after....it was misery. Some of these questions can't possibly be answered until you're in that moment.
As for the rest? At least just make sure your will is current and signed. The rest will work itself out.

And PS -- No of course it's not you! ;)

Posted by: Caitlin at June 10, 2008 1:30 PM

The decision, as I see it, is do you at any point in your life want to have more children. If in any circumstance the answer is yes, then don't have a vasectomy. That's the question. While there are many cases of it being reversible, our doctor said not to count on that as an option. It's much more painful and much more stressful.

You can't live your life on what-ifs. As a friend of mine says, if she meets Mr. Wright and he wants kids -- he's not Mr. Right. (She's divorced with two kids.) Me, I'm done. No more kids. Ever.

The Man had one. Rather than peas, get a gel pack. (They gave him one post-op.) He took a day off work. No fuss, no muss.

Posted by: Nat at June 10, 2008 1:34 PM

Huh, tricky one. I guess you could get it reversed if you really needed to but the banking option sounds easier to me.

Posted by: Jess at June 10, 2008 1:50 PM

I'm going to agree with those who said...don't waste your time thinking about "what ifs". Cross that bridge when you come to it.

You have a beautiful wife and two adorable children. If you feel your family is complete, get the vasectomy.

Dex had a vasectomy 4 years ago (before I knew him) and will be undergoing a reversal this winter. They are quite common and the chances of being able to conceive again are high. But he doesn't regret getting one in the first place. It was the right decision at that time in his life.

Posted by: Lani at June 10, 2008 1:59 PM

Any chance she was reading my last post?

Posted by: JuJuBee at June 10, 2008 2:05 PM

All I know is that if anyone, ANYONE, ever knocks me up again, f'ers going down, yo.

I don't care if it's God.

Posted by: Mr Lady at June 10, 2008 2:06 PM

I have one kid (toddler) and am no longer married. I wish *I* could go get fixed because I never never EVER want any more kids. (And NO don't start lecturing that I'll change my mind. I hate that. It's fucking ANNOYING. Why do people do that? I know myself. Better than anyone else does. And I DO NOT want any more kids. EVER.) If I ever have another remarriage prospect and he wants kids he'll have to go find himself another lady.

Oh, my advice to you? Get snipped. 2 is enough. If you don't want more with Beth you wo't want more with anyone else.

Posted by: jessica at June 10, 2008 2:08 PM

My husband and I had the same issue to deal with. We elected to wait a few years after our second was born because I always worried "what if something happened to one of our kids?" I know it's a morbid thought, but I figured we might want to have a another child if one died early. Now our youngest is five and my husband had his vasectomy in January. Plus we are getting up there in years (39, 37), so it was time. I say wait a little while and use another form of birth control!

Posted by: Fabs at June 10, 2008 2:42 PM

Ok I'll do the TMI thing. Married young, young, young. 2 kids. Figured we were done. Had lots of trouble with birth control. Turned into just not having sex (duh) but that was because everything was going to shit. Ex husband finally gets the big V, I think mostly to placate.

Fast forward to divorce, and my pending remarriage. I'm actually thinking about another baby. He can't, even if he chose to.

He's bitter.

Was it the right thing at the time? Tough to say....but you've got to go with your gut. Better the V, which is potentially reversible, than the much more invasive female procedure. Then again, there are 5 year birth control options which certainly buy you time to see where life takes you.

Disclaimer - not at all suggesting my miserable decisions should impact anyone else.....

Posted by: Sharon at June 10, 2008 2:53 PM

Well, this is going to sound awful, but I don't want him to ever move on if anything happens to me. I mean, realistically, he would. And I don't want him to be miserably alone either... but for as much as we've been through together, as much as I've learned about swallowing my pride, inner fortitude, patience, etc etc etc by loving him and staying with him all these years... I guess I'm selfish... I can't imagine his heart belonging to anyone else, because I feel like I've earned it.
I do actually doubt he would want more kids, as he tends to really need his "me" time and having more than 2 kids would really infringe on that. As for myself, in an ideal world, if the hubby and I were perfectly aligned in how we view the world and the decisions we've made in raising our children thus far, I'd love to have more. But we are not... and at every stage there's been a major struggle with some issues. We have a good balance now, and a happy family, I don't know that I'd want to start over again, seeing the battles we have ahead of us. We are just very strong willed people.
So, with that being said. I wish he saw things the way you do and would get snipped as part of his reproductive responsibility. As it is, he dances around the issue because "it will hurt". I must admit that after carrying 2 children, and laboring and birthing them unmedicated, I really have no sympathy for that argument. So for the moment, we're at an impasse.

Posted by: varinia at June 10, 2008 3:06 PM

My husband so hates these kinds of conversations (death). We only have the one, but he says he is done, no matter what the future holds (me being there or not). Anyhow, I've told him that he would have to do the vasectomy, as I don't feel I can say I'm done.

I won't push for another one, if he is truly set against it, but, and I hate to think this way, if something were to happen to him or us, and if I did remarry, I want to leave that an option for me.

Posted by: RC at June 10, 2008 3:07 PM

I had the big V done a few months ago, and it was no big deal. I've had dental work that was far more painful. Cut Friday, back to work Monday. Interesting bruising, though.

I think if you have your hands full now with two kids, why would you feel any different with a different wife?

Posted by: Steve Boyko at June 10, 2008 3:45 PM

Hmmm. Depressing. I would want Mike to move on and get married and do whatever he needed to in order to be happy and to keep the kids happy.

Snipping can be reversed or they can even go in with needles and retrieve the good stuff for baby making - so even though it's "permanent", it's not insurmountable.

BTW - they DO give you good drugs. And peas are a good call.

Posted by: sunshine at June 10, 2008 3:51 PM

Well, this is actually a very easy question to answer. If it were me, I'd make you get a vasectomy, too.

See. Easy-peasy lemon-squeezey.

I slay me. My pregnant wife is going to have a tube-tying when the twins are born, so...this is a question I apparently won't have to tackle. Yay me!

Posted by: David at June 10, 2008 3:56 PM

It's an impossible question, really. If (God forbid) something happened to my husband, I'd be such a different person, there's no telling what I would want.

It's smart of you to discuss it, but I guess the best thing about a vasectomy (at least for purposes of this conversation) is that it is reversible.

Posted by: julie at June 10, 2008 4:07 PM

I don't think I can add much more than the others have contributed to this. You might consider freezing some little swimmers. That'd be a nice little insurance policy to have in place, should you and your new wife or even you and BETH decide you want another child. I know, I know! I'm just sayin'!!

Posted by: Suzy at June 10, 2008 4:21 PM

If I'm not mistaken, you have have a clip placed cutting off the flow of the tube, instead of having it cut and cauterized. This procedure is just as effective, but it is much easier to reverse the effects should something happen. Also, if you have your hands full with 2 now, would you really want to have kids with another wife?

Posted by: Whitney at June 10, 2008 6:33 PM

Out of the two options, I understand that the 'v' is a simpler procedure than tying tubes. At some point, I suspect we'll consider it here...

Posted by: ewe_are_here at June 10, 2008 6:36 PM

I won't disclose how I know this, but there exists a great urologist in Austin who does vasectomies.

name?

Richard Chopp..

Posted by: whall at June 10, 2008 8:05 PM

Well, let me start off by saying that I am done having kids. I'm a Type I diabetic and I've been for over 20 years. I was lucky to have 3 fairly decent pregnancies.. So I didn't want to push it. :)

But If I were to die, I would want the husband to eventually remarry, or at least be able to find companionship with someone. I'm ok with the idea that he would be able to move on, and I honestly don't think he'd love someone else the way that he loves me. (awwww..) As far as kids.. as long as he would putting our kids into consideration, I guess go for it.. I'm the one fixed.. not him. ;)

Posted by: Molly at June 10, 2008 8:21 PM

OK, in theory I agree with the train of thought that you live for the now and deal with the 'what ifs' if they ever arise. That being said, we are done procreating, why hasn't man-child had the snip? Oh that's right, we are intrinsically lazy and would rather cross our fingers and hope for no more 'what ifs'.

Don't forget the 'End of Manhood' party that must precede the big v. Those that man-child has attended he has raved about for months - blokes sitting around a campfire with copious amounts of beer, cigars and of course generous man-sized steaks. Of course, whatever occurs around the campfire, stays by the campfire. Enjoy

Posted by: del at June 10, 2008 9:34 PM

Mind reader.....my husband and I are discussing the pros/cons of a vasectomy for him versus the Essure coil system for me. One of the questions was which was more reversible if something were to happen or change in the future. Turns out the vasectomy has a higher reversibility rate, plus insurance covers more on that procedure. Now we just have to actually take the steps to doing it.

We just dealt with another early pregnancy miscarriage that helped confirm that we need to do this. I just don't think I can deal with another loss. We have 2 healthy, beautiful children and I think we should be happy with what we have and move on to the next step of our lives.

Posted by: Jen at June 10, 2008 9:47 PM

My personal opinion is that you shouldn't make decisions today based on a future which you can only imagine. I gotta say that I LOVED that my husband was willing to get the vasectomy when many of my girlfriends husbands were being enormous babies about the whole thing. It was over quick and he swears that it was no big deal. (He could be lying but I'd like to believe he's telling the truth.)

Posted by: Shannon at June 10, 2008 10:03 PM

Best of luck to you and your scrotum. You're a good husband.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban at June 11, 2008 12:08 AM

Well...we're done having kids and even if one of us croaked tomorrow, neither one of us would want to (or...uh...could since he's been neutered) want to have any more. But I get why it's a problem for others.

Posted by: apathy lounge at June 11, 2008 12:23 AM

I think if I died first I would just want him to be happy. That being said....I am the one who is snipped.....since I had a c-section and I was already open.......
I am at the age where it would be too hard for me to have any kids now....and two is quite enough.

You are a good husband and all I can,finally, says is....stock up on your frozen peas. According to Dad Gone Mad that is the best thing for your goolies.

And I love Night Ranger.....they are always cool!

Posted by: kali at June 11, 2008 4:50 AM

My husband and I also had a similar conversation before our youngest child was born. I -know- that I am done having children. Three is enough for me so I had my tubes tied. If I could have had them double-tied just to make sure they won't come undone, I would have.

Posted by: anna at June 11, 2008 10:48 AM

Something else to think on, you two should get your financial affairs in order. This is going from someone that did just that. We setup a trust for Harley.

Posted by: Diane at June 11, 2008 11:15 AM

I personally do not want any more children. I would have stopped with Mila but then *suprise* your birth control really should be taken every day and, no, it's actually not all that effective when you triple up on Monday after a weekend away, and then there was Summer.

J won't get snipped even though he maintains that he doesn't want any more kiddos. I will not get fixed b/c he and I aren't married so I'm pretty much figuring that when Josh Hartnett or my best friend's hot brother sweep me off my feet they will probably want to pro-create. I have an IUD that works for 10 years and protects against pregnancy (but not STD's, which means no impromptu sex with said hott brother, DAMNIT!).

Posted by: Mymilabean at June 11, 2008 2:05 PM

So I'm a little late to the party on this one... But I think it's awesome you are willing to do this because Beth has already been through so much to give you babies. Way to be a man! And just think about the pleasant dinner conversation you will have when you serve those peas to guests. And if you really don't like peas I've heard corn niblets work well too. I've promised my husband all kinds of post recovery "favors," but he is too squeamish about sharp objects invading manland. And every idiot friend he has has told their side of the horror story. So good for you Chris. I'm impressed.

Posted by: April at June 11, 2008 2:30 PM

Well, since I have actually participated in this conversation I can tell you this:

I volunteered to get my tubes tied because I was sure no matter who I was married to I never wanted to be pregnant again as long as I lived.

He had the vasectomy anyway.

It's really an easy decision when you have 11 month old twins that haven't slept through the night yet.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at June 11, 2008 9:16 PM

I just can't leave the number of comments at 69.
My husband flatly refuses to get the snip.
And a friend of mine did get the snip only to impregnate his wife 6 months later!
Regardless, if there is even a remote chance you'd want another child with Second Beth I'd wait it out a bit. But you seem pretty content with the two you have...so...good question.

Posted by: Jessica at June 12, 2008 4:23 PM


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