June 20, 2008

The Weeklies #41

The Weekly Fucked Up News. On Wednesday, the sixth human foot in 11 months floated onto the Canadian coast. No one is quite sure why.

The Weekly Bogus Degree You Can Bestow Upon Yourselves. Get your Internet Diploma! Seriously. Do it. And hang it on your wall. You know you want to.

The Weekly Reads. This week I conquered Lisa Lutz's The Spellman Files. Maybe conquered isn't the right word because that implies that it might have been something of an ordeal. It wasn't. It was a pleasure. Lutz delivered a quirky mystery involving a somewhat odd yet lovable family of private investigators. It's funny, fast-paced and ultimately endearing. Like your friend who insists on wearing grass hula skirts to work every Friday and saying your name in Klingon. Give it a whirl.

The Weekly Music. Admittedly, I've only listened to it once but the new Coldplay album? Meh. It deserves many more spins than I've been able to give it but my first impression wasn't so great. Not that it's bad. It just seems a little boring. Not so for The Hold Steady's latest release (released a month early on iTunes so don't look for it in stores yet), Stay Positive. Craig Finn and company are back with another fantastic album. While their last - Boys and Girls In America - was their breakthrough, I didn't feel it was their strongest (that title goes to Separation Sunday). This one is even stronger. If you haven't already done it, please check out The Hold Steady.

The Weekly Schadenfreude. Oh, Maddie Briann Spears, how we feel for you. Your 17 year old mother is a trainwreck-in-training, learning from the best, your aunt. I have one piece of advice for you. Run! Run like the wind. Run as far and as fast as you can.

The Weekly Hypothetical Question. You have to spend 24 hours as a currently famous person. You're basically living their life for a day. So, what famous person do you choose and what do you do?

Posted by Chris at June 20, 2008 6:49 AM

Angelina Jolie - what would I do? Brad Pitt, of course.

Posted by: Debbie at June 20, 2008 7:20 AM

The Spellman Files was fun. Curse of the Spellmans is also a good read.

Posted by: Carolyn at June 20, 2008 7:22 AM

Music: I haven't had regular access to music in more than a decade. I acquired a Zune player on Sunday and I'm very excited.

Schadenfreude: I could cry for that baby.

Question: David Doubilet (undersea photographer) - go scuba diving. This isn't quite what you had in mind, is it? My alternate answer would be Brittney Spears and I would take care of her babies.

Have a fab weekend, Chris.

Posted by: Maria at June 20, 2008 7:40 AM

I would be Clive Owen and mess with your wife's mind.


Posted by: Knot at June 20, 2008 7:47 AM

I have no idea what celeb I would want to be for a day, because I'm sure there's draw backs to everyone's life. I would probably want to be someone with a relatively laid back existence though - someone known for something cool and not one who is constantly chased by papparazzi. I'm boring.

Posted by: Sarah at June 20, 2008 8:31 AM

I'll be Sidney Crosby for a day because a) I'd love to have some of his hockey skills and b) its the offseason so I'd get to play golf for the day, probably at some really nice fancy course!!

Posted by: Darren at June 20, 2008 8:34 AM

*Loved* The Spellman Files. It felt... fresh. Time to move on to the next one! :-)

Posted by: jaime at June 20, 2008 8:34 AM

Loved the Spellman Files. Laugh out loud funny.

You know there's a sequel right? Now do you-
a)run right out and get it
b)wait, saving it for a "special occasion" when you need a good laugh
c)hesitate, because what if it's not as good as the first

Posted by: Meredith at June 20, 2008 8:40 AM

Hey, about those floating feet. I heard they found four rights and two lefts. So, be on the lookout for at least two more!

Posted by: Jeff St Real at June 20, 2008 8:43 AM

Not to steal Debbie's answer but I, too, must go with Angelina. I can't think of anyone else who would be as cool. (Nor anyone with such a hott husband) I mean, I assume I couldn't be the opposite sex on this one, right? Because that might change my answer.

Posted by: claire at June 20, 2008 8:50 AM

Turns out the 6th foot was a hoax. Someone put a skeletonized animal paw and some seaweed in a running shoe and left it on the beach to traumatize some poor seashell collector.

Theories are running rampant: serial killer, plane crash victims, smuggled illegals going overboard, organized crime hitmen with poor body-disposal skills... Weird story for sure.

Posted by: alison at June 20, 2008 9:04 AM

Weekly Hypothetical Answer: Merle Haggard. He has that sexy voice so I'd be crooning in the shower.

Posted by: Poppy at June 20, 2008 9:13 AM

I would be Matthew McConaughey. Wake and Bake and then stare at myself naked. Totally, man!

Posted by: Mymilabean at June 20, 2008 9:14 AM

Give "Viva la Vida!" a second chance...I listen to it almost on a daily basis, and there are some good songs--I think it's pretty eclectic and the songs are all over the place, which is why I think I kind of like it...it has something for everyone :)

Posted by: Liz at June 20, 2008 9:18 AM

I'm just happy being me.

Posted by: Maribeth at June 20, 2008 9:37 AM

I would be George Clooney. The reason being is that I could really use a day at Lake Como, and since I would clearly not be pregnant, I think I would spend the day trolling around the lake in the boat, sitting by the pool and sampling the finest wines in his collection. Also, eating. Lots of eating because you know he must have some incredible metabolism, but even so, by the time the heartburn set in, I'd be well back into my life as Chatty Cricket.

And as for Maddie Briann- someone on the news yesterday referred to Jamie Lynn as the Spears who had it together. Two things:

1. Oh but I beg to differ.
2. How sad, because I can kind of see their point.

Posted by: chatty cricket at June 20, 2008 9:38 AM

Angelina Jolie. Only because she's so smokin' hot I might do her myself. What would I do? Give a bunch of money away and get a massage. Definitely a massage.

Posted by: k8 at June 20, 2008 9:43 AM

Given my recent obsession, David Thewlis. What would I do all day long? Stare at myself in the mirror because I'm so pretty, be British, and write Gary Oldman sonnets.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at June 20, 2008 9:59 AM

i know...another spears baby....sad, really...

Posted by: ali at June 20, 2008 10:02 AM

the 6th foot? a hoax! animal paw stuffed in a sock and sneaker

Posted by: Kathryn at June 20, 2008 10:09 AM

I would be Cameron Diaz OR Jennifer Anniston for a day and I would wake up and go to one of those ritzy bungalow thingies on the beaches of Malibu or some place like that (that I could get to in my alotted 24 hours), I would soak up the sun in the best bikini ever made while knocking back top shelf beverages and eating the best foods that money can buy.

Sounds so delicious!

Posted by: Kelly M. at June 20, 2008 10:36 AM

I could probably pick any rock star an be happy with that one. Let's say... Trent Reznor. I'd put on an awesome show and do wild things with naked people and fruit juice.

Posted by: Brad at June 20, 2008 10:42 AM

it'd be a toss up between madonna or jolie. either way, i'd spend the day donating a WHOLE hell of a lot of their money to children's charities.

Posted by: pea at June 20, 2008 10:52 AM

I'd totally be Matthew Lesko and get me some money from the government.

Posted by: GreenCanary at June 20, 2008 11:00 AM

Debbie took my answer.

But can we wait to switch days until AFTER she gives birth? I've been pregnant with twins and it isn't fun.

Even if you do get to make out with Brad Pitt.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at June 20, 2008 11:07 AM

Wake up as Angelina Jolie at midnight in a lux hotel somewhere in the world on UN mission with Brad next to me.

Why midnight? How else could I get Brad in bed twice? ;-)

Posted by: oakley at June 20, 2008 11:07 AM

Marlee Matlin the Deaf Actress. I would love to be not just "deaf" she is such an inspiration. My son is 5 months old now and he has perfect hearing (thank god) with a deaf mother. Marlee has hearing children as well...I would love to spend a day in her "souped up for the deaf" house with all the gadgets!!
Have an awesome weekend "McHottie" *smirk*

Posted by: Cheryl at June 20, 2008 11:11 AM

Marlee Matlin the Deaf Actress. I would love to be not just "deaf" she is such an inspiration. My son is 5 months old now and he has perfect hearing (thank god) with a deaf mother. Marlee has hearing children as well...I would love to spend a day in her "souped up for the deaf" house with all the gadgets!!
Have an awesome weekend "McHottie" *smirk*

Posted by: Cheryl at June 20, 2008 11:31 AM

Dennis Miller. You get to be funny, brilliant, and have a great laugh all at the same time. I'd round up as many of his comedian friends I could find and buy a few cases of beer. I'd have a fresh supply of clean pants available to replace those that I would inevitably wet.

Shifting gears...

Because of my past experience with ID theft via trojan horse/keylogger, I find that I now have award-winning paranoia to the point of searching, deleting, and wiping free space on the hard drive. Taking your profession into account, I was wondering if you had any recommendations regarding heavy-duty software that seek, destroy, and wipe clean this stuff for paranoid pukes like me.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at June 20, 2008 11:55 AM

Correction: The sixth foot in as many weeks has washed up on MY Canadian coast.

Family beach trip this weekend? CANCELLED.

Posted by: Mr Lady at June 20, 2008 1:30 PM

I want to be JJ Abrams or Jon Stewart for a day. JJ Abrams because I want to know how LOST ends. Jon Stewart because it looks like he has so much fun at his job.

Or, how about somebody who doesn't have to run upstairs to tell toddler who is supposed to be napping why we don't strip down and take our diapers off because we still don't use the potty. OMG.

Posted by: sunshine at June 20, 2008 2:19 PM

Hmmm, Michael Chabon, and I'd guest-post on my own blog. :)

Posted by: Jess at June 20, 2008 2:49 PM

I would spend 24 hours as George W. Bush and use that 24 hours to correct as many mistakes as possible. It may be a stretch though.

Posted by: Rengirl at June 20, 2008 3:18 PM

Like so many of the ladies, I think I'd be Angelina as well! I think the UN ambassador stuff would be really cool.
The foot thing is definitely tres weird.

Posted by: Heather at June 20, 2008 3:20 PM

I'd be Oprah and write myself a big check for the me I'd be going back to being the next day. But while I was there I'd enjoy the day of being a totally empowered woman with the world at her fingertips.

And I was seriously disappointed in the new Coldplay, too. I preordered it even, I was so looking forward to it. Have listened to it twice through. Can't even muster up the urge to give it one more try. Very disappointed.

Posted by: OS at June 20, 2008 4:05 PM

I just heard someone say that he would like to be Jon BonJovi for a day. I kind of have to agree. He seems pretty down to earth, has had a couple of decades of fame and is very pretty to look at. I would get to keep what I, as Jon, look like naked in my head for the rest of my life :)

Posted by: Melissa at June 20, 2008 4:47 PM

I would be the pope and have an excathedra moment where I declared women can be priests and all priests MUST either marry and take vow of "no ownership" or be clebate and own things. How you like them apples?

Posted by: That Girl at June 20, 2008 4:50 PM

Alison Sweeney--she gets to be the bad guy/girl on a soap and then inspire people on "The Biggest Loser", and she's a beautiful lady ad wonderful Mom also. :-)

Posted by: Krush at June 20, 2008 4:53 PM

I would be Angelina Jolie and it has nothing to do with Brad Pitt (althought that would be a DIVINE bonus benefit.) I want to be heavy with child(ren)and feel them move. I also want to be the great humanitarian that she is.

I used to think she was a gigantic freak, but the more I hear about her and her good works, the more I love her.

Posted by: zanie at June 20, 2008 5:36 PM

I have nothing to do with the feet. I just want you to know that.

Ok, does the famous person have to be currently living? Because if not, I would be Mr. Rogers. But not in his current state. His living state, of course.

Alive, I guess I'd be Neil Gaiman. Because I like his brain. Plus he keeps bees. Which is awesome. I love bees.

Either way, I get a penis for a day. Cool.

Posted by: Jodi at June 20, 2008 6:29 PM

Turns out the 6th foot was a prank..


Hard to believe someone would do that, huh.

Posted by: Lani at June 20, 2008 6:45 PM

1966 Bob Dylan. I would just walk around being 1966 Bob Dylan and people would wanna smoke pot with me and have sex with me and I would be very difficult when it came to the press. O my God I wanna do a whole post about being 1966 Bob Dylan. Awwwwww How does it feeeeeeeeel (to be 1966 Bob Dylan)?

Posted by: Black Hockey Jesus at June 20, 2008 6:46 PM

I see people have already let you know that the sixth foot is a hoax. However, five feet is still strange enough...

Poor little Maddie has no idea what kind of family she's been born into...

As for the celeb for the day part - so many people have said this and so I feel like a copy cat, but Angelina Jolie. The doing Brad Pitt option is too tempting...

Posted by: suze at June 20, 2008 10:05 PM

Wow, the famous person question is tough. I would love to be Stephen Hawking and just sit around understanding wickedly complicated stuff. Or any number of basketball players with high verticals so that I could run, jump and shoot real hoops for a day. Or some famous opera star so that I could sing really amazingly for a day. Wow, I could sit around thinking up this list for a day. Maybe I need a bucket list...

Posted by: Amy at June 21, 2008 2:09 AM

6th foot is a hoax. animal bones in a running shoe. :P but the other five?? WEIRD.

famous person.... angelina. i just wanna talk to her
i want to be friends with her. she's hot, sure, but it's more about HER as a person.

Posted by: colleen at June 21, 2008 5:02 AM

The whole human foot thing is just weird!

What famous person would I be? Sure, she's only famous by association, but I'd choose Stephanie Slemer. Why? She's Mark McGwire's wife. 'Nuff said.

Posted by: coolchick at June 21, 2008 12:04 PM

I have no idea what celeb I'd want to be. I'm so boring! I think I would get so annoyed by paparazzi that before the end of the 24 hours I'd be begging for my old life back.

Posted by: angela at June 21, 2008 5:00 PM

Re:..."the sixth foot"...story goes...it could also be a sick person in a funeral home....I know...I live here....and we have plenty of sickos!

Posted by: Lujza at June 22, 2008 12:54 AM

I thought about Angelina but she is about to be birthing twins and my luck, that would be my day.

I thought about Jennifer Garner because her life is so normal and loving but with unlimited income. Would be fun for a day. But I'm not that into Mr. Affleck.

And then I had it. I'd be Posh Spice. Here's why:
1) Beckman, mmmm Beckman
2) Unlimited income to play with for a day
3) Cool british accent
4) I'd get to see WTF is really up with Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
5) Fake boobs of my very own
6) Did I mention Beckman? Mmmm, Beckman

Posted by: SassyPants at June 22, 2008 11:03 AM

I'm so getting an internet diploma!

Posted by: sandra at June 22, 2008 5:06 PM

Easy - I'd be Bono the night of a U2 concert, and I'd see what it felt like to perform in a rock band in front of a huge stadium full of fans. I can't imagine a bigger rush.

Posted by: Gayle at June 23, 2008 5:17 PM

What Debbie said, ROTFLOL!

I would be Steven Spielberg and hire Nadine as the main star in all my upcoming billion $ movies.

Posted by: Nadine at June 25, 2008 5:12 PM

I took 1 st home loans when I was a teenager and this helped my family a lot. Nevertheless, I need the commercial loan over again.

Posted by: MonroeAlyce28 at March 20, 2011 8:43 PM