July 15, 2008

Spamalot

I love spam. Seriously. I love the stuff primarily because it's so absolutely terrible and inadvertently hilarious.

I typically get three categories of spam, if you go by the subject lines. The first category consists of messages that are apparently designed to sell something but are insulting or are targeted to illicit some sort of personal reaction. The second are those messages that contain information that is patently and obviously untrue or seeks to get you to open said message because of some sensationalized event (real or not). The third and final category revolves around penis enlargement. Allow me to illustrate.

Insulting or Oddly Personal:


  • You look stupid rudecactus. Fuck you.
  • You are nominated for an MBA, Rude Cactus.
  • We caught you naked in the shower, Rude Cactus. Dammit! The one time I take a shower with my clothes off, I get busted.

Headline News!


  • 2008 Olympic games will possible not take place.
  • Osama Bin Laden caught finally. Look, pigs are flying too.
  • Saddam Hussein found dead. Uh, not so much.
  • Dan Brown's latest novel.
  • Summer is here - stay tuned. Thanks for the breaking news, chief.
  • Terrible earthquake devastated Beijing. Again, not so much.

All About The Weiner:


  • Warlock, victory is yours when its big. By the power of Grayskull!
  • Power in your pants! Get 'er done!
  • 1 month, 1 inch. I thought the goal was enhancement, not shrinkage.
  • Obtain a perfect genuine erection. As opposed to all those fake erections I usually get.
  • Bragging rights in your pants. Yeah. That's what I'd brag about.
  • Turn your rod into a monster. Growwwl, get a load of my penisaurus.
  • Engorge your organ speedily today. I can just see someone sitting at their desk with a computer and a thesaurus coming up with this one.
  • Update your penis. Penis 2.0 is coming.
  • Stew the love into the soup. What the fuck does that even mean?
  • Enlarge your power and realm of influence. This is either an ad for male enhancement products or the United Nations.
  • Penetrate deeper with longer pole. And thusly another spammer has mastered the laws of physics.
  • Be your own gladiator. I won't even pretend I understand that.
  • If you build it they will cum. Word.

So, what do you do about spam - do you trash it, ignore it or read it and laugh? What's your best one?

Posted by Chris at July 15, 2008 8:00 AM
Comments

I keep getting these spam messages from some guy named Chris Cactus that tells me to read his blog for penis enlargment.

Posted by: William at July 15, 2008 8:25 AM

Y'know, not having a penis and all, I typically avoid the spam folder of my email - except to delete it (though right now, the only thing in my Spam folder is a sale announcement from Franklin Covey). Also, I don't care about hot, horny underage girls (and seriously, men, do you click on that? Because aren't you afraid the police are gonna pop out and get you?!?!), ED drugs, or diet pills - and things that aren't spelled correctly annoy me. I just DEEEEEEEEELETE.

Posted by: sarah at July 15, 2008 8:36 AM

Okay, that last one was a little bit clever. I'll give them that. The spam subject lines I get usually make no sense, just random words randomly put together ... with the word penis thrown in. Of course.

Posted by: Fraulein N at July 15, 2008 8:48 AM

what about the send money to Mr or Ms So and So to Nigeria -- those are a blast and I totally play with these idiots. All the way to the point they want me to mail them a check - so much fun thinking they are going to scam me.

Posted by: zipcode at July 15, 2008 8:58 AM

Here are three that I got at my work email today:
Make Love Like a Barbarian (ouch)
Reach Deep Into Her Hole (ok, A) being a woman, I don't want to reach into ANYONES hole and B) I can't even tell you the visual I have with this one)
The best one so far?
How Stella Got Her Tube Packed

Nice.

Posted by: js at July 15, 2008 9:03 AM

Having had to change my e-mail address (new internet provider) in the last few months, I don't get much spam...yet. I do, however, get several announcements a week for 80% off Viagra. Perhaps they know something about my husband that I don't know?

Posted by: Alissa at July 15, 2008 9:05 AM

I blogged/tweeted my best one last week: "Sperms of Endearment". I typically don't read them but I occasionally get text message spam and THAT pisses me off more than anything.

Posted by: claire at July 15, 2008 9:08 AM

Lately I've been reading it looking for good Twitter messages to post. ;)

Posted by: Laura at July 15, 2008 9:23 AM

Personally, I prefer the 419 spam. Sure, it sucks that some people have honestly lost money on it... but they're so transparent, they're hilarous. I enjoy reading the stories that they put together and pulling out the scammer hints.

Posted by: Hannah at July 15, 2008 9:24 AM

Sometimes I read it. Lately though, it's all the same thing. Over and over again. Mostly about pleasing my lady friends, which fine. My lady friends need pleasin', but I don't think I'm the one to give it to them.

But maybe I am and spam is just trying to help!

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at July 15, 2008 9:32 AM

I get almost 300 spam messages a day, not counting the junk stuff in my inbox I don't have time to read.

I delete spam unchecked and unread hoping if anything got in there by mistake the person will email again.

One yesterday wished me Happy Bastille Day.

Posted by: Ann Adams at July 15, 2008 9:53 AM

I just hit delete. I wish I could have some cute clever answer, but that's it.

Posted by: Maribeth at July 15, 2008 10:03 AM

I've been getting a ton of "you look stupid in this picture" or "your face is so stupid" lately.

If you open it, it urges you to look at your "stupid" picture in an exe. file.

I'd say you look at it and the email is right.

Posted by: Lisa V at July 15, 2008 10:08 AM

I've been getting a ton of "you look stupid in this picture" or "your face is so stupid" lately.

If you open it, it urges you to look at your "stupid" picture in an exe. file.

I'd say you look at it and the email is right.

Posted by: Lisa V at July 15, 2008 10:08 AM

I delete before my account catches cooties.

There was once a message line about Helga and fisting. It seared itself into my brain as I clicked the delete button. I closed that email address (read: ignored it forevermore and set up a new one) because clearly, it had been getting around.

Posted by: sunshine at July 15, 2008 10:10 AM

Ok, totally fell out my chair reading these!!

I typically ignore the spam folder but for some reason I get alot of the "look! hot naked chicks!" type spam....

Posted by: Kris at July 15, 2008 10:12 AM

It's not the best, but it is the most recent:

Attractive nude ladies bang with goats and horses

I'm picturing a firing range where strippers fire automatic weapons as barnyard animals watch. That's hott with two 't's, thank you very much.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at July 15, 2008 10:12 AM

When I was 12 or so, spam usually came via the mail or by telephone. One evening a man with a funny accent called. He said he was from the Cana-dien Lott'ry! It's the best in the wer-led!

I liked the funny accent.

So, I let him go on for- no joke- about 45 minutes. It was a little bit boring but as I said, the accent was kinda cool.

At the end of his 45 minute speech I told him we weren't interested. He got really pissed off and hung up on me.

A few years later it came out that the Cana-dien Lott'ry was a hoax after all.

But I can still do the accent!

Posted by: jessica at July 15, 2008 10:21 AM

OK, after checking today's spam I had to come back & add 2 of the more amusing subject lines:

"baller and shoutcaller"
"immense weapon of love"

yeah.....

Posted by: Kris at July 15, 2008 10:43 AM

I love to read the subject lines. One of the recent gems was "Bestow upon yourself this heavenly dick."

Posted by: sarcy at July 15, 2008 10:46 AM

Yesterday, my spam folder told me that I had won the UK national lottery. I'm rich! Drinks all around!

Posted by: GreenCanary at July 15, 2008 10:52 AM

This entire post...thankfully netted me a gem I'm going to use on my husband tonight.

penisaurus

Posted by: Kristy at July 15, 2008 10:54 AM

I laugh too, because I have a good filter. I think the ones that make me laugh are the insulting ones... or anything new really. I like creativity in my spam.

Posted by: Brad at July 15, 2008 10:56 AM

i get the "you look stupid amartell" a lot.

but my all time favorite spam subject...
"moulin splooge"

hahaha

Posted by: ali at July 15, 2008 10:57 AM

I read the titles in my Gmail Spam folder and then I delete them all. You know, I have to get my daily laugh out of their subject lines.

My favoritest? "You are naked, Ironic1!" Oh really? I hadn't noticed! Thanks for pointing that out...

Posted by: ironic1 at July 15, 2008 11:32 AM

I ventured into the spam folder of my university email just for this...it was SCARY.

Most recent: Your woman does not want to jazz it with you for reason of your device size. (Obviously only a disgruntled technical writer would refer to "device size").

Worst grammar: Contrary to common opinion the man much more sensitive of the women. And if them something does not suit in itself they can become very much closed. (What is "them"? And who is "they"?)

Creepiest foreign mistranslation: From scientific researches we know, that penis at the man grows and to its most death develops. (No one wants to hear penis and death in the same sentence).

My favorite: Yanking the crank like a champ.

Go penisaurus!

Posted by: rebeccaeee at July 15, 2008 11:57 AM

I love spam, too. I peak in my Junk folder whenever I need a good chuckle. I just got a new one today:

Entire Yankees team killed in bus crash

The text of the e-mail had something about Obama carelessly leaving a suitcase where children could trip over it.

I also win the lottery every few days. It's a shame I can't convince my bank of that.

I work in the railroad industry and we have lots of word usages that send regular e-mails into the junk folder. My favorite was a string of e-mails from about a year ago that had the words, "Hard Rock Empties" in the subject line.

Posted by: picturefool at July 15, 2008 12:30 PM

I thought it was going to be about Spam, the luncheon meat. I grew up on the stuff and was jumping for joy when you said you loved it.

Sadly, it was not about my beloved Spam luncheon meat. I don't read Spam. The less I see, the better I feel.

Posted by: k8 at July 15, 2008 12:40 PM

I honestly can't even think today (I spelled too "yoo" 3 times in a row, deleting, mispelling again and so on and so forth) because of a migrane but that? I just cracked my one and only smile of the day and it hurt like a sonofabitch. Thanks!

Posted by: Mymilabean at July 15, 2008 1:36 PM

"Rip her in two with your elephant cock" is one that sticks in my memory as a visual I could have done without. I'm sure the ladies adore the idea of being torn asunder by oversized penises.

Posted by: cyniclite at July 15, 2008 4:05 PM

hehehe. too funny. i get these all the time. they typically sneak through the spam filter at work, on my school email. so much for that pristine image i used to have at work. nothing elicits furiously pink cheeks like a pop up from my email with the header: "Give her a mind blowing orgasm" or "Enlarge your penis". My 13 year old students LOVE those.

My current favorite though was this one...
"Angelina Jolie dies in plane crash"
REALLY?!? Yes! I mean NO, no, that's horrible.

Posted by: jen at July 15, 2008 5:40 PM

"We caught you naked in the shower, Rude Cactus" - time to switch to never-nude-ism!

I use Gmail and I never get spam.

Posted by: Rengirl at July 15, 2008 7:00 PM

I personally love "Stew the love into the soup." I am going to try and use this three times tommorrow, at random, and then walk away.

Hehe.

Posted by: Kelly M. at July 15, 2008 8:13 PM

You are so awesome lol. I get these too, of course - today, I'm being told that "Angelina Jolie had triplets!" and that I can enlarge my penis by 3". Oh, and "two hard core sluts public threesome with sexy guy." Yes, thanks, I'll take that for my bedtime story?! Oy.

Posted by: Heather at July 15, 2008 9:15 PM

Just in now...fuck my sister :) The smile makes it all the nicer don't you think?

I always scan before deleting and almost every time have a little chuckle at one.

Posted by: Beth at July 15, 2008 11:53 PM

Just scanned today's spam folder. My favorites since this morning:

The truth about virginity. (Intriguing!)

We are calling for nomination. (I've been nominated for something? So exciting!)

Elton John dies in rocket ship. (Funny, my daily email from US Weekly mentioned nothing of the sort.)

Weapon used to make love. (Ouch.)


Posted by: Gayle at July 16, 2008 12:35 AM

haha I like the personal ones the best

Posted by: geek-betty at July 16, 2008 10:57 AM

haha I like the personal ones the best

Posted by: geek-betty at July 16, 2008 10:57 AM


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