August 13, 2008

What The Elf


I was in the bathroom (and you know that most of my really good stories start off with those five little words) and I discovered that it is well within the realm of possibility that I work with an elf. At least, I'm pretty sure. I ran back to my desk and Googled elf and, in addition to some pretty disturbing porn involving little people wearing strange shoes, I found a good solid elf reference. According to Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, an elf is:

An imaginary supernatural being, commonly a little sprite, much like a fairy; a mythological diminutive spirit, supposed to haunt hills and wild places, and generally represented as delighting in mischievous tricks

Now, let's look at the evidence:

  • He is wee. He has to be under five feet tall but in no way does he appear to be a dwarf or any of the other myriad of varieties of little people. (And hey, can you believe I actually used the politically correct terminology there instead of just saying midget? Heh, midget.)
  • I have absolutely no insight into his sexual preference nor am I about to ask. So he may or may not be a fairy.
  • He is commonly encountered in the bathroom, at least in my experience. And in my world, the bathroom is a pretty wild place.
  • I don't remember seeing him during the Christmas holidays. Was he with a certain white-bearded, jolly sleigh-driver? Hrm.
  • He looks nothing like Orlando Bloom (sorry ladies) but his ears are kinda pointy.
  • When encountered in the bathroom he's often rinsing out the plastic coffee mug he uses. It is slightly larger than his diminutive little fairy head. I shit you not. He needs a life vest or water wings in case he accidentally trips into his coffee. Little guy could drown in that thing.
  • The shoes this guy wears appear normal at first glance, but look closely enough and you'll realize that these supposed dress shoes taper into points that curl up at the ends. And also, I could just be imagining things but I could have sworn I saw a place to tie some bells on them too.
  • Mischievous? There was that time he though he was alone in the bathroom and lobbed a roll of toilet paper over the stall wall and giggled like a freak. I'd call that mischief. And also, a little fucked up and scary. Regardless, I'd say making coffee disappear from a cup the size of a small swimming pool is quite a trick.

Elf or not, I'm afraid I have to add this to my Great Big Book Of Strange Bathroom Encounters. The book's quite large. I might even have to start a second volume soon. How exactly does one go about demagnetizing their freak-magnet selves?

Posted by Chris at August 13, 2008 6:46 AM

Hey I'm offended. I'm 4'11". (Not really on the offended part.)

Why is it that we short people try to wear shoes that don't make our feel look small? Strange of us, no?

The toilet paper over the stall would have freaked me out.

Carry magnets in your suit jacket?

Posted by: Maria at August 13, 2008 7:59 AM

You need a super secret spy cam tie tack or pen or something so you can take photos of your bathroom adventures without being obvious.

Posted by: Shelly at August 13, 2008 8:33 AM

I'm pretty sure it has been said before, but you really need to compile all your bathroom encounters into a book. I know it would sell, toilet humor and all!

Posted by: Jeff A at August 13, 2008 9:31 AM

Oh my damn. He ... threw toilet paper? Seriously, when are you getting that book published?

Posted by: Fraulein N at August 13, 2008 9:41 AM

Yo, don't be knocking fairies.

The only way to know if you're dealing with an elf or not is to offer him a cookie... a Keebler cookie. Those things are like crack to elves.

Posted by: Tink at August 13, 2008 10:37 AM

It's Cactus and the Sprites! Did you see one? Cactus and the Sprites! Could you be one? Cactus and the Sprites!

Posted by: madmom at August 13, 2008 10:51 AM

It's Cactus and the Sprites! Did you see one? Cactus and the Sprites! Could you be one? Cactus and the Sprites!

Posted by: madmom at August 13, 2008 10:52 AM

if you ever do find a way to de-freak-magnetize yourself, please let me know.

Posted by: kati at August 13, 2008 11:20 AM

Dude. You should just go ahead and publish all of your encounter entries and sell it on Blurb. I'll definitely buy one.

Posted by: oakley at August 13, 2008 11:35 AM

How on EARTH do you keep your composure? Because I? Would walk in there, wide-eyed, total look of shock on my face and be forced to actually ask the question, "Um. Dude? Are you an elf?"

Am classy.

Posted by: Pocklock at August 13, 2008 11:45 AM

Probably didn't work for you...but I became less of a freak magnet when I started sporting my wedding ring. Seems the freaks are a bit scared of a husband. :-) Up until then, the freakier they were, the more the wanted to talk to me.

Posted by: Krush at August 13, 2008 11:47 AM

Fantastic! What better birthday gift for me than a bathroom story! Thanks, Chris!

You seriously need to write a book about this.

Posted by: zanie at August 13, 2008 1:13 PM

In reference to your choice of language in recent posts...

Actually, you can get your point across in several more effective ways. A blog (usually read by similarly minded people - otherwise what is the point of reading it in the first place?)serves as a ego boost for the needy authors who control them. Writing your complaints here with readers of the like-minded backgrounds or approaches servers absolutely no purpose other than a rant. If you truly felt as though the girl (whose service was sub par) needed to learn a lesson, a complaint to management would have sufficed. The girl gets fired, she learns a lesson. You write here, you get a pat on the back. The use of the language you chose simply discredits your story and makes you look the ass that needs to be fired. If you had a real job writing articles of opinion and criticism of establishments, then you would have been fired (or at least edited) to correct your obnoxious behavior.

The girl was probably insufficient in the role she was hired to do. You are a crass idiot (notice the word chosen does make a point but does not describe a population of people with which to compare your inadequacies) and would do well to reevaluate your job - even if you can't get fired or paid for what you do.

By the way - there are now fewer readers of your blog. So in effect, we have fired you.

Posted by: dude at August 13, 2008 1:47 PM

I'm afraid you are doomed, dear Cactus. You are a weird bathroom encounter magnet!

Posted by: Maribeth at August 13, 2008 3:09 PM

I was going to post a comment about please, don't turn off the freak magnet, because then where would I read these funny stories and other blather.

And then I read dude's comment to you. And now I feel compelled to tell you "you are hired!"

But I can't pay you anything . . . so . . . whatever.

Posted by: Mindy at August 13, 2008 4:44 PM

So I had something to say and then I was totally side tracked by 'dudes' comment above. And I'm biting my tongue really really hard.

Okay, back on track. Your bathroom adventures are hysterical. You really should consider that book thing.

Posted by: Jen at August 13, 2008 5:09 PM

Wow. Someone really likes angsty teenaged girls.

*ahem* really could have left that Orlando Bloom part out. You would have if you cared about us, you crass idiot. ;-)

Posted by: Mr Lady at August 13, 2008 5:26 PM

I can't pass up on the comment from "dude" above. Hasn't it been like a week since all that hub-bub was over? Seriously......

I think you may have seen an elf in the bathroom, but apparently you have a troll here on your blog.

Posted by: Jen at August 13, 2008 6:04 PM

Freaks are attracted to nice, kind people who they sense will accept them. So you could de-magnetize yourself by becoming an asshole. I sense, however, you'll stick to the kindness route.

Posted by: Laura at August 13, 2008 6:14 PM

Sorry to be so late to the party - but I thought that you needed to know that I almost drowned, while reading this. No water wings would have helped as it had everything to do with laughing while drinking diet coke. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go clean my monitor.

Posted by: Mandy Lou at August 14, 2008 1:40 PM

You are hilarious. I like you, its a compliment..

Posted by: Sway Fatale at August 15, 2008 9:46 AM

You are hilarious. I like you, its a compliment..

Posted by: Sway Fatale at August 15, 2008 9:46 AM

Wear some iron. I hear it scares the SHIT out of fairies.

And you're already in the bathroom, so he can't really complain!

Posted by: alektra at August 15, 2008 10:04 AM

Would not comment on the dude thing, but that our local NPR station this week (I believe) spoke of how our state's legislature had just removed some antiquated and offensive language from our laws. "idiot" was one of those words, as well at moron and several others. Formerly terms used by the medical community. Who knew? Apparently not dude . . .

And, seriously, you should put together travel packages, little weekend excursions, with a stop at that bathroom. Like those people who will take you on vacation to watch for Nessie at the loch. Only maybe less scenic. Wild place. Gonna snicker over that all day.

Posted by: OS at August 15, 2008 11:56 AM