August 7, 2008

Your Momma Dresses You Funny

You might remember that, once upon a time in the Land of Tragic Hairstyles, I had a mullet. Yep, hockey hair. An ape-drape. Kentucky Waterfall. Shorty Longback. Take a minute and soak in the glory of my hair.

I also had, for some inexplicable reason, parachute pants. Which - just when you thought this couldn't get any worse - I liked to wear with one of those English pork-pie hats. I also recall having an endless supply of K-Swiss shoes though I interrupted the trend with a pair of Kaepas, those shoes with the little colored triangles you could swap in and out depending on the color of, well, your parachute pants. Florescent clothing followed. Later came an obsession with beaten up cowboy boots of which there was no shortage since I went through this awkward fashion stage in Houston. At some point, Don Johnson became my personal hero and I, while I couldn't land myself a cigarette boat or a pet alligator, acquired pastel shirts with white jackets. Then paisley prints invaded the fashion landscape and I looked like a hippie's acid trip. Later, grunge - ripped jeans, flannel shirts and long hair.

As it turns out I can blame my mother for my tragic fashion history. I came home the other day to find Owen dressed a little funny.

Me: What the hell did you dress him in?
Beth: That onesie?
Me: Yeah, it looks like a preppie from the 80's threw up on him.
Beth: It's yours.
Me: I'm not that small and I never wear onesies anymore. Well, not that much.
Beth: No, it's yours. From when you were a baby. Your mom gave it to me.
Me: I wore that? Wow.
Beth: Yeah.
Me: That explains a lot.

Compare and contrast. Owen, and me in back in the seventies.

My folks really should have given me a quick shave before they snapped that one. What's your worst fashion faux pas?

Posted by Chris at August 7, 2008 7:09 AM

"Pegging" pants back in Jr. High. Unfortunately, I learned how to peg them a few months after it went out of style. People took notice.

Posted by: harrylips at August 7, 2008 7:39 AM

I think that onsie is adorable. But, what do I know? I used to peg my pants with safety pins the entire length of my legs and matched that with a white leather jacket that had a lot of buckles.

Did you lighten your hair in the mullet photo or did your hair darken with age?

Posted by: Maria at August 7, 2008 7:48 AM

Um. I can't answer that question. I can't seem to focus on anything after seeing that mullet glory. Goodness.

Posted by: Beth at August 7, 2008 8:01 AM

Do you think Beth still would have fallen madly in love with you in your hawt mullet days? We must be about the same age because I vividly remember each of the styles you describe. What the hell was up with the 80s??

Posted by: Shelly at August 7, 2008 8:17 AM

Tube tops. Don't get me wrong, I got a lot of dates, but I look back now and I cringe! What was I thinking?

Posted by: Maribeth at August 7, 2008 8:26 AM

Big shoulderpads in the early 80s. We all looked like linebackers And with the amount of hairspray we were using, we were already wearing helmets anyway.

I was hoping that it would be mullet-sporting Chris wearing the preppy onesie!

Posted by: Teresa at August 7, 2008 8:28 AM

Hahahahaha... Ape drape. I hadn't heard that one before.

Like those who commented above me, I also pegged my pants. And what's a pair of pegged pants without two different colored pairs of socks, scrunched, being shown off beneath them?

Sometimes I have a pair of pants that are too long and I wish pegging was still in because it's easier than hemming.

I also wore a lot of leggings under big sweaters in high school. And dress shorts. I almost held a revolt in my high school over dress shorts.

Posted by: jaime at August 7, 2008 8:36 AM

Oh my hell. My worst fashion faux pas? Remember those plastic madonna bracelets? I had a BUNCH of them. Lots and lots of plastic jelly bracelets. And I wore 'em. Daily.

I'm so glad there seems to be no photographic evidence of it.

Posted by: sarah at August 7, 2008 8:38 AM

I guess I'm too young to know most of the styles you're talking about. I do remember stretch pants in the 90s... and me being way too curvy to pull it off. Beyond that - I probably am the walking definition of fashion faux pas. :)

That school picture of yours is very, very good. I don't think I've ever seen one that came out so well. It's actually got some personality to it, interesting lighting, etc. Just the background and the hair... *shudder* :-P

Posted by: Hannah at August 7, 2008 8:40 AM

That is one of the most tremendous mullets I've ever seen! Cheers!

Posted by: Shannon at August 7, 2008 8:48 AM

My teens predated mullets by a decade or so, but I DID wear bell-bottoms, knee-high zippered boots with 3" heels (and I'm over 6 feet tall), day-glo colors, and all the other things that went along with being an early '70s hippie-type.

Posted by: gilahi at August 7, 2008 8:56 AM

oh...the rat far the worst! And it was really long too! My parents hated it!

Posted by: Michelle at August 7, 2008 8:57 AM

I would say that any of the homemade clothes from my elementary school years were the worst but I know for a fact that I should have known a lot better when, in the late 1990s and early 2000s, I was guilty of wearing all black and those big "floaty" pants. Add in a chain wallet and Manic Panic blue hair dye and really, I couldn't be more embarrassed.

Posted by: Claire at August 7, 2008 8:59 AM

Business in the front, and party in the back! You rock that mullet. ;)

Probably my stirrup pants and sidepony tail that I use to wear daily in middle school...

Posted by: secha at August 7, 2008 9:04 AM

Pegged pants and huge scrunched socks. And really big sweaters. Now I'm cringing....

Posted by: diane at August 7, 2008 9:12 AM

Did you play hockey?

Posted by: Darren at August 7, 2008 9:13 AM

Mine, by far, is my BIG "Joe-jah" (Georgia to those not of the "suthun bay-ell" variety) hair. My hair was so large that I could've easily passed for one of the B-52's.

Love the mullet, but my large bangs could've kicked your bangs' ass any day of the week!

Funny thing is that my "hair stage" right after that was the stick straight, parted down the middle 'do. My hair is sooo bi-polar!

Posted by: Mymilabean at August 7, 2008 9:14 AM

I totally had some shoes like that. But I don't remember the brand.

My worst... a pair of bright blue - and I mean BRIGHT. FUCKING. BLUE. jeans. Turquoise, if you will. That I wore all the time. Regardless of what kind of top I was wearing.

Also, a rainbow array of stirrup pants.

Posted by: caleal at August 7, 2008 9:20 AM

My Dexy's Midnight Runners phase back in the 80's. That last all of a week.

Posted by: J at August 7, 2008 9:28 AM

I had a puke-green hypercolor T-shirt which turned bright yellow in all the wrong places... when I matched that with sweatpants patterned to look like blue acid-washed jeans and I was the hottest (read: permafrost-level heat) dressed guy in school.

Posted by: (slightly) less cynical at August 7, 2008 9:34 AM


oooo, hooo hoo ha ha ha ha, haaaaa. Ah, ha ha, whew!

For this, you are my favorite blogger. Heeeeeeeeeee.

Posted by: chatty cricket at August 7, 2008 9:35 AM

I'm laughing outloud at work. How do you come up with this stuff? Oh yeah. It's your LIFE!

And do you have an earring in that picture???? I wasn't allowed to pierce my ears until I was 18 and by then I didn't want to anymore. I'm such a nerd like that.

I'd just like to say that I adore my lovely friends in AA very, very much. But let me tell you, there is no shortage of mullets TODAY in those rooms.

And the fashion faux pas? Big, big plastic framed glasses with permed hair and bangs. Oh, so cruel the 80s were.

Posted by: k8 at August 7, 2008 9:49 AM

Oh this is so funny. I think that onesie is cute! I thought five-inch-tall bangs were cool, but in retrospect, it made me look like a constant cresting wave.

Posted by: kirida at August 7, 2008 10:03 AM

Oh man, the memories! At my *whispering* 20 year class reunion last month, I was remembering with an old friend how we used to dress to go to the local teen club on the weekends. My most coveted outfit was a pair of pink pants with the elastic on the end to go around the foot to hold the pants down in place and a huge pink sweatery type shirt to match. Just mix and max massively large belts worn loosely, add a little aqua-net and blue eyeshadow and the ensemble was complete. I just love seeing some of the fashion popping up lately, many of it is sooooo 80's. I love it! And I loved the big head picture! I can see now Owen takes after his mother!

Posted by: Hiyscus at August 7, 2008 10:12 AM

Oh, how I miss the 80's. I used to do my hair with the Vavoom hair spray in one hand, blow dryer in the other. I see your mullet and raise you one just had an Acme product blow up in my face Looney Toons hair style. I also had a rat tail that was dyed hot pink for awhile. My worst ever was puke green Hammer pants. Oh, the humanity!

Oh! And I've got a picture of me with Bozo the clown wearing homemade red bell bottoms and peasant shirt. Moms are mean . . . and funny as shit!

Posted by: OS at August 7, 2008 10:24 AM

Jeans that came up WAY too high (I'm short-waisted anyway) and tucked in t-shirts. It was bad, very bad, which I didn't fully realize until I saw the videos.

Posted by: Amy at August 7, 2008 10:31 AM

I think you & I must be about the same age.

In the 80s, I liked to dress like the girls in the ZZ Top "Sharp-Dressed Man" video. I was especially fond of mini skirts and pumps w/ lace ankle socks. Which would have gone fabulously w/ your parachute pants, I'm sure.

Posted by: kalisa at August 7, 2008 10:34 AM

it looks like you and my husband could have a well-matched middle-school-fashion contest. he rocked the 80's and early 90's gear very well, too. although he never had such a fabulous mullet. he made it through with no mullet at all... if he had, i'm sure it would have been fabulous. myself, i remember LOVING my black acid-washed denim jacket and haurache sandals.

Posted by: kati at August 7, 2008 11:08 AM

Purple hair for a little while during my senior year. And that perm that went horribly wrong. I looked like one of Marge Simpson's sisters.

Posted by: Amy at August 7, 2008 11:33 AM

It has to be the ill-advised perm. I ended up looking like one of Marge Simpson's sister.


Posted by: Amy at August 7, 2008 11:36 AM

It has to be the ill-advised perm. I ended up looking like one of Marge Simpson's sisters.


Posted by: Amy at August 7, 2008 11:36 AM

Poodle perm. Circa 1982. Truly scary. I blogged it last November. I totally looked like a 15th century woodcut of Sir Isaac Newton. Seriously. And I thought I looked hot.

Posted by: alison at August 7, 2008 11:43 AM

For some inexplicable reason, I thought this was a cool look in 1986:

Long sweater (probably black)
Watch plaid pajama bottoms, cuffed at bottom
White socks
Black penny loafers

Maybe I thought it was some mod, Cure-inspired look. God knows. Yet I now shudder at the thought.

Posted by: Gayle at August 7, 2008 11:49 AM

Frizzy, permed hair
Long, unmanageable hair that was rarely cut or layered when I was much younger.
Pants with crazy designs/patterns that I thought were attractive and were in style during the late 80s.

Posted by: Diane at August 7, 2008 12:08 PM

WORST fashion faux pas would HAVE to be running around in boxer shorts as shorts. In public.

Owen is freaking adorable. I LOVE that belly.

Posted by: Mindy at August 7, 2008 12:08 PM

I wore black leather pants in high school.

Posted by: Stephanie at August 7, 2008 12:35 PM

I refuse to admit an fashion faux pas on my own part but I'm more than willing to rat out the woman I saw at the dentist office today wearing Jelly shoes!!!!! Like seriously? I stopped wearing those when I was 10, maybe 12.

Posted by: Kris at August 7, 2008 12:57 PM

I refuse to admit any fashion faux pas on my own part but I'm more than willing to rat out the woman I saw at the dentist office today wearing Jelly shoes!!!!! Like seriously? I stopped wearing those when I was 10, maybe 12.

Posted by: Kris at August 7, 2008 12:57 PM

Oh. My. Gawd.

Oh, how I love your Mullet Pic!!! Seeing it never gets old. Never.

I was guilty of pegging my pants, wearing the colored socks below said pegged pants, matching fugly earrings (same color as socks), stirrup pants (WHO ever came up with THAT idea?!?)... oh, and can't forget the jeans that I wrote on with markers. You know, band logos like Poison and Pink Floyd, sayings, etc. There was the obligatory hole in the knee, of course. And, pegged, naturally.

Those 80's sure were a miserable time for fashion. And let me tell you, I joined the masses as an 80's Fashion Victim. Ugh!

Seriously though... Love. The. Mullet!

Posted by: ironic1 at August 7, 2008 1:16 PM

Wow, that's one scary mullet!

My more questionable fashion trends include wearing a black velvet hooded cloak in college.

I had issues.

But I also went to art school, where people were a little wacky to begin with.

Posted by: jessica at August 7, 2008 2:53 PM

Ooo, I had one of those fabulous denim skirts where the top was denim (ending midway over the butt and umm, the same place respectively in front) and the bottom was white cotton (men's dress shirt type material). The seam where the denim met the cotton was of course unfinished and fraying. Add to that some awesome lace Madonna gloves, blue mascara and bangs that stood up like a rooster tail. Oh yes, I was definitely HOT.

Posted by: SassyPants at August 7, 2008 3:12 PM

Since you evidently grew up in Austin Powers' house, I'd say this is to be expected.

Posted by: julie at August 7, 2008 3:30 PM

when i demanded pics of you wearing said outfit on beth's site...this isn't exactly what i'd had in mind...

Posted by: ali at August 7, 2008 3:51 PM

thanks for the laughs. I cant stop laughing over that groovy background in your "baby" picture!

Posted by: punk rock mom at August 7, 2008 4:11 PM

He looks just like you!

And I had this haircut. So I won't be judging you.

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at August 7, 2008 5:06 PM

I think the biggest might have been the white spandex leggings, over-sized red, black and white shirt (school colors!) with black and white checker collar, high tops, and two pairs of coordinating scrunched socks I wore my first day of sixth grade. Oooooor it could've been the phase I went through where I wore my mother's sweaters over black stirrup pants. Keep in mind that at the time I was in 6th grade and my mom was overweight, so her sweaters were like wearing a tent to school.
Ooooor it could've been the awesome spiral perm I had in 5th grade.
Ooooooor it could've been the friendship bracelets I used to wear that went from wrist to elbow, paired with three hemp necklaces and tye died everything. And no I did not use drugs. :)

I am in LOVE with your mullet. It's a thing of beauty.

Posted by: Kate at August 7, 2008 5:32 PM

Love the mullet and earring!
OMG I don't even know where to begin with my fashion faux pas:
In the 80s I wore: Big red glasses like Sally Jessy Raphael wore; perms when one was definitely NOT needed; stirrup leggings worn with turtlenecks and long sweaters.
In the 90s I wore: turtlenecks with jumpers, tights and clogs - I looked about 14! Yikes!

Posted by: NancyJak at August 7, 2008 6:18 PM

Are you sure that isn't Hillary Swank's high school picture?

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at August 7, 2008 7:26 PM

Dude. That is awesome. Business in the front--party in the back.

Posted by: Mitch McDad at August 7, 2008 7:34 PM

Dude. That is awesome. Business in the front--party in the back.

Posted by: Mitch McDad at August 7, 2008 7:34 PM

Definitely my "snap in the crotch" unitard/shirt thing. Sadly, I saw some in H&M a few weeks ago. Apparently, camel toe is making a comeback.

Posted by: Katie at August 7, 2008 10:41 PM

haha, that's awesome. i vaguely remember wearing stirrup pants with long t-shirts tied in a knot at the side. i was born in '84, so this was cool in, like, 2nd grade. with long dangle earrings and 4 inch bangs. with a side ponytail. oh my.

Posted by: Tiffanie at August 8, 2008 12:27 AM

Totally, totally my Minnie Mouse Sweatshirt. It came down to about mid-thigh. I wore it once a week, spring, summer, fall, winter, for about four years.

There are MANY pictures of me in that shirt. What the HELL was I thinking?

Oh, yeah. That it was so comfy.

Posted by: alektra at August 8, 2008 9:13 AM

ANYTHING neon! Snap-bracelets. Feathered hair. Scrunchies that matched every outfit. I was a disaster.

Oh and those shirts that when you touched them, the heat from your hand left a handprint in another color. What the heck were they called?

Posted by: Pocklock at August 8, 2008 10:20 AM

I grew up in the 80s. I have a whole list of fashion faux pas including:
- A dress with ruffled sleeves that were bigger than my head
- Leggings and giant t-shirts
- Gigantic, neon plastic earrings
- Fingerless lace gloves a la Madonna <--yes, yes I did.
- Pegged pants
- Wearing leggings with boxer shorts OVER them. (WHY?)
- Gigantic teased hair

I could keep going.

Posted by: Kimberly at August 10, 2008 3:05 PM

Crimping my hair in 1985?
Blue eyeshadow, green mascara, hot pink lipstick (together) in 1986?
Flipping my head and hosing it with Aqua Net in 1987?
Stretch jeans with go-go boots and flannel and teased bangs and a very pissed off look in 1988?
The shorty-short homemade cut-offs with black or re opaque tights, doc martens, and a flannel shirt over a tee or long sleeved shirt in 1992?

Posted by: Karen at August 18, 2008 8:30 PM

Umm, or one night this June when I got soaked by rain during a run and wore this dripping ensemble into Wawa also wearing ratty bedroom slippers I had hanging around the car (not wanting to put my bare and now dry feet back into my sopping socks and sneakers)
Yep, sopped shorts and tank, dripping hair, smeared mascara, and tiger print bedroom slippers.

Posted by: Karen at August 18, 2008 8:37 PM

I propose not to hold off until you earn enough amount of money to buy all you need! You can take the mortgage loans or just short term loan and feel yourself comfortable

Posted by: TannerHilary22 at June 6, 2011 12:20 PM