September 17, 2008

How I Almost Beat A Street Performer With His Own Saxophone

As has been explained many times, I sometimes work in suburban Monkeytown and sometimes in the heart of Monkeytown itself. Yesterday was a downtown Monkeytown day. I ditched my car in the usual overpriced parking garage which, coincidentally, is narrow enough and deep enough to qualify as one of Dante's circles of hell. As I exited the garage, I walked past the metro station and playing in front of it was Bad Street Saxophonist Guy. Now, I know I've mentioned him before but, to briefly recap, BSSG shows up and plays in front of the metro station fairly regularly. His presence is marked by an elaborate keyboard setup powered by a car battery and, of course, his ever-present saxophone. And BSSG is a terrible saxophone player. Like, so bad that if he were the last saxophonist on the face of the earth auditioning for the role of Clarence Clemons in a Bruce Springsteen tribute band, he wouldn't stand a chance.

Seemingly unrelated (I'm trying to weave a rich tapestry of bloggy goodness here people), princesses in my house continue to be a big deal. Mia insists on wearing dresses constantly, even to bed sometimes. Whenever she's home, on go the "glass slippers" followed closely by one of the several tiaras we own. On some occasions, she even insists on being called Ariel or Belle or Cinderella. And god forbid you don't comply. You'll be banished from the castle. We play elaborate games of Cinderella (girl goes to ball, clock strikes midnight, shoe is lost and I track down the missing princess), Ariel (prince - me - goes down with the ship, is rescued by cute mermaid - Mia - and awakened by being sung at) and Aurora (evil stepmother - me - laughs maniacally, princess pricks finger on spindle, three good fairies - me, me and me - arrive to kiss her and wake her up). I've created a much loved mixed CD for her consisting of nothing but music from Disney princess movies which she listens to over and over each night. She insists on wearing princess underwear. There are some times at which I think I've reached the Princess Saturation Point. Like when I realize I've been humming something from Beauty and The Beast for the better part of fourteen hours or when I am asked to drown then be revived for the 17th time in twenty minutes. Yesterday morning as I was leaving my car behind in the parking lot was one of those times. I'd been humming something all morning and it suddenly dawned on me that it was A Whole New World from Aladdin. I tried humming a Zeppelin song (because I'm sure Zeppelin would hold no truck with Disney) and it was working as I made my way up the elevator and into the great wide world. For a while.

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
[Me: Ahhh, yeah. Good song.]
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
[Me: What a nice day out. Oh look, Bad Street Saxophonist Guy is back.]
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
[Me: Man he sucks. What's he playing? That sounds familiar.]
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed
[Me: Noooooooooo! Khaaaaaan!]

What was that sick fuck mediocre musician playing? A Whole New World. It was all I could do to stop myself from wrestling his saxophone from his two hands and savagely beating him over the head with it.

What are your best and worst coincidences?

Posted by Chris at September 17, 2008 7:58 AM

Can't think of any coincidences, but just wanted to let you know that "A Whole New World" is now in MY head, and I'm not altogether happy about it. Gotta get the music going to drown it out.

Posted by: sarah at September 17, 2008 8:21 AM

No interesting coincidences that I can think of but I'm with you on EVERYTHING in your second paragraph. We also have the Princess Music playlist on the ipod and she HAS to listen to it while she showers. My daughter's favorite game is 'True Love's Kiss' in which she falls into a deep sleep and has to be revived by her prince's kiss. Unfortunately, at just 3 years old we've had to tell her that 'True Love's Kiss' is not an appropriate game to play with her friends at day care. Didn't think I'd be having that conversation already. The teenage years might be rough at our house.

Posted by: melissa at September 17, 2008 8:52 AM

That's a crazy coincidence. You should have given him a dollar to stop playing that song.

Coincidences are hard to remember. Most times they are about insignificant events.

Posted by: Brad at September 17, 2008 9:08 AM

oh my God, BSSG has a wicked sense of humor. Want Little Einsteins back? I've had that rolling around in my head for a good month. Take it, please. Seriously.

Posted by: chatty cricket at September 17, 2008 9:08 AM

grr let me try this again...

I'm laughing my arse off at your music karma, you must have angered the music gods for that to happen lol

I recommend Pearl Jam or Placebo to cure what ails you, and if those fail there's always the hair bands. any of them will do.

Posted by: Kris at September 17, 2008 9:24 AM

Chris, that irony is just too bitter to swallow. Let me cheer you up.

First: Glass slippers are MUCH better and preferable to Squeaky Flip-Flops. Trust me on that one.

Second: The background: Most mornings on my commute I see a woman on the train who is....well there's a lot wrong with her. She's on a schedule though, because she shows up at the same place and time. And she always gets off the train at 57th street.

Well, I fell asleep on the subway this morning. We got stuck in a tunnel. I was glad; it meant a longer nap. Thankfully I didnt detect this woman's presence; she makes sleep much more difficult. I woke up at 5th Ave, one stop from 57th street. My eyes remained closed. As we pulled into 57th, I heard the woman shout "Move! Hurry!" I opened my eyes just in time to see her run off the train with her pants pulled down, squat, and pee. Then- thankfully- the train left with me still on it! Who knows what other business she had!

Third: Sing with me: I'm Queen Tasha and I rule-the whole backyard!

Posted by: jessica at September 17, 2008 10:01 AM

Eff!!! Thanks for getting that song stuck in my head!!!

Posted by: Poppy at September 17, 2008 10:10 AM

It could only happen to you, dude.

Posted by: Fraulein N at September 17, 2008 10:19 AM

Oh, wow! Crazy stuff! I kinda like when that happens, though. It makes it seem like the Universe is playing with me or something. :)

Posted by: Zandria at September 17, 2008 11:17 AM

I can't think of any off the top of my head, but I just wanted to let you know that the mix CD that you may or may not be putting together for me should NOT consist of any Disney music.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at September 17, 2008 11:37 AM

Did you really just scream, Noooooo Khaaaaaaaan!?

Yup, you're my favorite blogger. Ever.

I am going to tell you this, and then you and I may not be friends anymore. It'll be worth it.

I was reading this, thinking How the hell does Mia know all these details about those princesses? Hell, 3of3 doesn't even know their names? And then I remembered that every night at about 5:30, my kid asks me, Momma, I watcha Bamy Guy?

Bama Guy, in case you're wondering, is FAMILY GUY. Jealous yet?

Posted by: Mr Lady at September 17, 2008 11:54 AM

We (The Boy and I) get coincidences happening all the time. I don't really understand, but I'm happy. If one of us thinks of a friend randomly, we're likely to get an email from that person in a week or less. If one of us has been humming a song all day at work, the other has probably been listening to it on repeat.

Yep, it's creepy. But it's normal after a while?

Posted by: alektra at September 17, 2008 12:02 PM

About Mia and the dresses? Welcome to the world of daughterland! Some girls are girly girls some aren't. Obviously Mia is a girly girl.

Posted by: Maribeth at September 17, 2008 2:22 PM

Not the best coincidences (because none would ever top the weeks the Christian God campaigned for my soul), but this morning as I approached Downtown Los Angeles via 4th street. Over the bridge and round the corner, the iconic skyline came to view and out of my stereo (MP3 CD on random)...

Welcome to the Jungle.

It's effing 6:15 a.m. That's enough cliche to ruin the rest of the day.

Posted by: oakley at September 17, 2008 2:45 PM

Oh and that aforementioned "God campaigning for my soul" week :

Posted by: oakley at September 17, 2008 2:48 PM

No coincidences that I can think of, but did have a bad musician moment very recently. Here,

And didn't you love making the CD for Mia? When I bought Bear a new iPod at Christmas last year I downloaded a ton of music on it myself since he was heading out with his Dad right away. It was so much fun picking out music that I thought he'd love. It was a crazy mix of Nickel Creek, Weezer, Pigorian Chant (no, not a typo), all things I knew he loved, and lots of stuff that was before his time that I thought he'd like. Best of all, he ended up loving it all. I love sharing music with my kid!

Oh, and hey, Pina Colada song.

That better? ; )

Posted by: OS at September 17, 2008 7:47 PM

I feel your pain. I tried to take a niiice relaxing bath on Saturday, but instead ended up being Ariel. Me, in tub trying to relax. Kiddos (namely Mila), in bathroom, telling me I'm Ariel, "now sing Look at this stuff, momma, sing it, siiiiiiing it, now flip your feet, NO! together! FLIP YOUR FEET TOOOOOGEEEEETHEEEERRR!!!, okay, now sing it again and this time throw that tub toy because that is your gadget or gizmo a'plenty". Jesus Frickin Christ.

My coincidence. Cut to me, pre-kids. I'm a little bit of a rebel (and by a little bit I mean a whole fuckin shitload). I live next to a lady who is married with kids and loves Jesus. Baby Jesus all the way to rolled the stone away Jesus. Said neighbor no likely me. Summer's teacher at her Suthun Baptist pre-school? Is old neighbor. Fuck whatcha heard bitch, I'm born again! : )

Posted by: mymilabean at September 17, 2008 10:08 PM