September 16, 2008

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Say what you want about people but, if nothing else, they're incredibly entertaining. I mean, I wouldn't have any of those good bathroom stories if people weren't, as a whole, a little off. It seems like at least a few thousand times a day, I find myself asking the question what were they thinking...or at least something similar.

For instance. Watching coverage of Ike the other day, for instance, I was wondering exactly what was wrong with all the people who refused to heed the mandatory evacuation in Galveston. I grew up around there. It's flat. Water gets high, the island floods. It's pretty simple math. And when the Pope gets up and is getting ready in the morning - a routine that I like to think is comprised of being awakened by trained monkeys dressed in Elvis costumes, an aide bringing him a big pile of pancakes and a half gallon of Sunny D, and surfing internet gossip sites - and he walks into his closet, what makes him pick out one of those really, really big hats? McCain's pick of Palin as his running mate led me to the same what the hell question though I pretty much figure he's just run full-tilt into senility. When Tolstoy wrote War and Peace, was he thinking I'm going to write the best piece of literature ever or merely this bitch is gonna be long? And when celebrities go out in public without underwear, what are they thinking? Not to worry, my vagina's invisible.

The reason I bring this up is due to the fact that I had pretty much the defining what the fuck moment in my life yesterday morning.

I'd just walked out of the parking garage at around 7:00 in the morning in scenic Monkeytown. The street-sign told me I'd get run over if I kept walking so I stopped. Also stopped next to me on my right - a mere two feet from where I was standing - was a rather large, hairy shirtless gentleman driving a dark blue Saturn. Yes, it was already a warm morning but still, a shirtless man driving around Washington DC is not something you see all that often, especially that early. As I shuffled around and he inched forward, something else became abundantly clear. His penis. Yeah, that's right. Said fat, hairy gentleman was not merely shirtless. He was completely and utterly naked. It was then - upon noticing that I'd become aware of his flagrant nudity - that he shot me a knowing glance, winked and raised and waived a small American flag then drove off.

Now I ask you - on many, many levels - what the fuck? Who the hell drives around downtown DC with nary a stitch of clothing on? And what was with that whole flag thing? Was he, like, a nudist for America? Was he saluting it in some strange new way? Or was he merely trying to give his old flag a new pole? I suppose I'll never find out. And quite honestly, I'm okay with that.

What are your big WTFs?

Posted by Chris at September 16, 2008 6:32 AM

I love this country. But why can't it be a hot naked chick?


Posted by: Knot at September 16, 2008 7:04 AM

OMG, what a hoot!! I SO needed to laugh this morning. Thank you!!

Posted by: dawn at September 16, 2008 8:11 AM

He was providing proof that DC is going to hell in a hand basket. :-)

I have so many WTFs?! I don't know where to begin. A woman crossing the street against the light while pushing a baby carriage. The crazy lady down the street from me who lets kids ride in the front seat of her car without seat belts. The unusually large crowds of tourists who visited the NYSE yesterday and were back again this morning. The 200+lb. woman who was wearing go-go shorts and tank top this morning on the subway.

Posted by: Maria at September 16, 2008 8:18 AM

Oh my god - I have a lot of WTF moments, but I'm still laughing from the whole idea of the invisible vagina.

Thanks for the laugh... and uh, better you than me? Saturns are comfortable, for sure, but I don't know that I'd drive around in one with nothin' else on. (But I guess he didn't have the weird "where does the seatbelt go" that women might with the whole naked driving thing).

Posted by: Sarah at September 16, 2008 8:25 AM

I have no idea what he was doing, but you seriously are a magnet for freaks!

Posted by: linda at September 16, 2008 8:46 AM

I have these kinds of moments often but the problem is, even though they're crazy, they also seem to be quickly forgotten! It's odd; I'll remember the feeling of being freaked out by the strangeness of the situation but I'll forget the details.

But your WTF moment takes the cake. OR A cake, anyway. :)

Posted by: Claire at September 16, 2008 8:48 AM

The only WTF moment I've had lately is seeing the recent poll numbers on the election. I feel like I'm coming to some realization in my life that America is not comprised of the rational, intelligent people I always thought it had.

The flag WAS a nice touch though. Proud to be free!

Posted by: Brad at September 16, 2008 8:50 AM

just follow the mccain campaign. wtf after wtf.

Posted by: tineke at September 16, 2008 8:56 AM

oy! I have no words for naked saturn guy! lol

my big wtf lately is physics, plain and simple. It melts my brain in a very unenjoyable manner.

Posted by: Kris at September 16, 2008 9:18 AM

First, I guess that gives new meaning to "proud to be an American" !!!
Second, my WTF would be of a more personal nature: Husband's company having a potluck today; we prepped most of the food last night: Olive Garden Alfredo sauce recipe and butter basted, garlic salt/italian seasoned gator meat (yes gator meat!). This morning we made the pasta and I was proud of myself for getting the crock pot, utensils, sauce and pasta into the bag. What's missing? Yes, the gator meat. The center piece of the entire dish.

Since we ride in together, I can't even grovel enough to go get the meat and bring it to him; he has to go get it.

Wifey feels about a foot tall right now and is groveling via email as fast as I can!

Posted by: Michelle at September 16, 2008 9:22 AM

wow. just... wow.

i had a guy ask me, just yesterday, for my worn, dirty underwear in exchange for his web design/development services. he assured me i would be coming out on the 'winning' end of the deal.

i questioned his definition of 'coming out' and 'winning.'

Posted by: jessica at September 16, 2008 9:38 AM

Not to worry, my vagina's invisible.

Put that on a shirt immediately.

Posted by: Pammer at September 16, 2008 9:53 AM

Wow. I'm going to hope, for that man's sake, that he did not have leather seats. How bizarre! Sounds more like something you'd see in NYC than here in DC...

I always think "WTF" when I come across a woman in a public restroom who's talking on her cell phone. It makes me want to make a really big farting noise in close proximity to the woman's clearly VERY important conversation (by blowing on my arm, of course, not the "real" way because girls don't fart).

Posted by: Liberal Banana at September 16, 2008 9:55 AM

seriously, dude, the craziest things happen to you. even crazier than the things that happen to me! heh.

Posted by: ali at September 16, 2008 10:08 AM

Yesterday I saw a commercial ADVOCATING high fructose corn syrup. Paid for by the Corn Farmer's Association.


Posted by: Robyn at September 16, 2008 10:18 AM

OMG that is the funniest thing ever! Nothing like that ever happens to me.

Posted by: Heather at September 16, 2008 10:27 AM

Ok that is funny. I don't think I would have been able to contain my laughter when he winked. How CHEESY can one naked man be?

I seem to have the WTF moments every day. Last week at a photo shoot I did, the "celebrity" wouldn't wear any of the items pulled for him but wanted instead to wear the clothes he wears every day.

Most of the time though ... my WTF moments seem to revolve around our 13 yr old son. Seriously, what is it about teenage boys? It's as if their brain is on vacation sometimes.

Posted by: Kristy - Where's My Damn Answer at September 16, 2008 11:04 AM

a) I think he was coming on to you AND expressing his belief that as an American he's entitled to freedom of expression.

b) okay, that said, I think he's just a big creepy pervert and apparently Florida hasn't cornered the market on those -and apparently not NYC either.

c) living in rural retirementland, most of my WTFs involve old people driving 15 under the speed limit and then honking, waving arms, and cussing ME, when I pass them. But I'm with Kristy about the 13 year old WTFs. I'll never figure out my 13 yr old. He was so good and so normal only a year ago. Now, hormones rule his every moment.

Posted by: ocdcontrolfreak at September 16, 2008 11:14 AM

I live a little south of Atlanta. There are 4 Wal*Mart's in my county alone. My life is one big cluster WTF.

Posted by: mymilabean at September 16, 2008 11:16 AM

There are so many WTFs. But the past few days, they have been Ike-related. I grew up in Houston and don't like to speak ill of the hometown, but all of the ragging on FEMA less than 24 hours after the storm had me puzzled (and ticked). I mean...they tell you to have at least 3 days worth of food and water. Heck, I live in Dallas and I made sure I had at least 3 days worth of food and water. Now, the people without power in Ohio I can give a pass to - who expected that?

And the folks burning up 2 or more tanks of gas driving around Houston looking for a deal on a generator after the storm. Um, if you wanted a generator to use if the power goes out...wouldn't it make sense to buy one during the week that you knew it was heading your way? As the man behing me in line at the WalMart said...if I don't need it, I can bring it back. And this priceless quote from a lady sitting in her SUV, waiting 2 hours for ice: "What are we supposed to drink? Hot water?" Don't get me is important especially if you are trying to save the food you have, and for medicines, etc. But if you have a house still standing without a tree in it, and you have no medical issues, I would think you'd be fine if you had water at all. Even if it's not chock full of ice.

I've got family all over Houston (Galveston evacuees, too) who spent the weekend grilling all the food in their freezers and are now eating from cans. And drinking their room-temperature water.

Okay...I'll stop venting now!

Posted by: Teresa at September 16, 2008 11:27 AM

Honestly, I look forward to those days - the days where I no longer ask myself "WTF?", but rather tell myself "Why the F not?"

Posted by: Peggi at September 16, 2008 12:09 PM

One of my best friends threatened to stop reading my blog and/or talking to me if I continue to voice my opinion about Thai politics that obviously is different from hers.

This is a friend I've had since kindergarten who KNOWS I treasure my freedom to express my opinion so much I had to leave my country to do it. And now it's shut up or lose our friendship because I don't believe the same thing she does.

If that's not WTF, I don't know what is.

Posted by: oakley at September 16, 2008 12:11 PM

Chris. All you have to do is leave the house and these people find you. And apparently think you're safe enough to "understand" what they're about. It's a gift man. A gift.

Posted by: k8 at September 16, 2008 12:58 PM

I live in NYC now. The WTFs are my daily reality. ;)

Posted by: Poppy at September 16, 2008 1:16 PM

Dude. I live in hippietown, PNW. It's a constant freak show up here! I feel so at home!

Posted by: bhd at September 16, 2008 1:20 PM

What I'm wondering is does that guy walk naked to the car? or does he take off his clothes once he's in the car? What do the neighbors think seeing him walk naked to the car? "Oh, there goes Joe forgetting his pants again....?"

Posted by: Wendy at September 16, 2008 1:47 PM

Maybe it was his version of a flagpole?


Posted by: dianne at September 16, 2008 1:48 PM

And maybe I should stop laughing and finish reading your post before I post a comment --

You didn't mention how you reacted upon seeing him... I somehow get the image of you standing frozen, on a streetcorner... lol.. Thank you for the laugh! :-)

Somehow these freaks just seek you out ;-)

Posted by: dianne at September 16, 2008 1:56 PM

I've seen many naked people. I spent my 20s in Berkeley, California, dontchaknow. But that's the best.naked.guy.story.ever. Patriotism at it's finest!

Posted by: Laura at September 16, 2008 3:03 PM

My ex-husband got arrested a few weeks ago for writing a bad check. This is his third offense for the same thing in the last six months. Now I see that on the public records website that he is claiming an alibi. How does one have an alibi for passing a bad check? What is going to claim? "I was in Australia so I couldn't have passed this bad check?" This makes me think W.T.F.?

Posted by: Kristy at September 16, 2008 3:06 PM

I'm with Diane, we want to know what your reaction was. I'm picturing you standing there, as you watch him drive away you have the blank stare look and you slowly bring your hand up to wave back at him. Slight pause, you look at the person standing next to you and blurt out "WTF!!"

Thanks for the laugh!

Posted by: Samantha at September 16, 2008 3:28 PM

I think you've got to have been born under some seriously wicked planetary alignment, 'cause man, they just flock to you, huh? I work with a girl who has that same thing. It'd be funny if you shared a birthday. She comes in the office at least once a week with a great one to tell. "Today at the gas station a woman walked up to me and said 'I've seen a dead body.' What the hell?" My favorite of my own, in line at Wal-mart to return something. Person in front of me is returning these three items:

Animatronic Elmo in a yellow chicken suit. Side wtf? This is like the Buffalo Bill Elmo, who has killed Big Bird and is now wearing his skin. It said it was Chicken Dance Elmo, but whatever.

D Batteries

Six pounds of lard . . .

Posted by: OS at September 16, 2008 3:43 PM

And now? I have to go back to the doctor to have my hernia repair and gall bladder removal incisions re-stitched, thanks to the hearty laugh you just provided. (But don't stop just because of me!)

I've decided that you must have some sort of chip inserted subcutaneously somewhere in your body that sends out a signal to freaks, and ONLY freaks, and commands them to present themselves to you. In various forms of freakitude. WOW.

My latest WTF is more personal -- as in I had to ASK for pain medication while in the hospital and -- WTF?!?? -- the nurses never showed their faces until I was back in full pain because the last dose wore off. The doc finally came in, realized what was going on, and ordered me a PCA pump (pain med pump) STAT. But until that pump arrived with its happy little button that I could push every 10 minutes, I was totally like "WTF??!???!?!?"

Posted by: ironic1 at September 16, 2008 3:48 PM

It's the waving of the American flag part of that story that kills me! Thanks for the laugh!

Posted by: Katie at September 16, 2008 8:40 PM

All I could think of is of course you saw his penis! If you want to wave the flag, you need to hoist it up the pole.

Makes sense to me. :D

Posted by: Jacqueline at September 16, 2008 10:20 PM

Wow, crappy way to start the day! And it didn't even occur in the bathroom... Totally a WTF thing!

Posted by: Dianna at September 16, 2008 11:26 PM

Oh my. Isn't that a way to start the day?

My WTF is a dude I call Kneeling Guy. He's always kneeling--marriage proposal style--on the same place on the sidewalk everytime I drive past. I drive past at all hours. He's also usually smoking a pipe. What's with that?

Posted by: Sphincter at September 17, 2008 12:29 AM

Just for you:

Posted by: steff at September 17, 2008 10:06 AM

Okay I just laughed so hard out loud in my office that I'm glad there are only a few people here because I think I would have been in some serious trouble and been hard pressed to hide the fact I'm not actually working yet. LOL
Oh my gosh that was so funny to read.

Nudists for America...really though...that is what I call some true Patriotism right there. HOLY SHIT!

Posted by: Dee at September 18, 2008 7:13 AM

You seriously have the best random encounters. When I move to DC I'm going to follow you around just for the amusement factor.

Posted by: Annie at September 18, 2008 11:17 PM