September 19, 2008

The Weeklies #54

The Weekly Spam. It's a tie between Turn Your Banana Into A Steel Pole and Hillary To Spend Rest of Campaign in Soundproof Glass Box. Now, if we could turn McCain into a banana and get Palin into that box, I'd be happy.

The Weekly Surreal Moment. Despite all the run ins with strange people, it was last night's trip for ice cream that took the cake. The ice cream cake. Close to our place is a local ice cream place and often at that ice cream place you can find a man with a parrot. That's not a euphemism. It's an actual guy with a parrot. He's a very nice, seemingly normal guy and if you're lucky he'll throw his little superman cape on the parrot, put him on a remote control truck and give him a ride around the shopping center. It is indescribably ridiculous and absolutely hilarious.

The Weekly Read. This week, I slogged through I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. It was a bestseller and got some attention when it was released so I picked it up six months ago and just got around to reading it. Let me give you a piece of advice - don't. Tucker Max is an asshole. He admits to this simple fact in his book almost constantly. The book is nothing but a compilation of stories about getting outrageously drunk and having sex with an endless string of women. Nothing wrong with that, I guess, if that's what you're into. But Max is seriously the most obnoxious, most misogynistic man on the face of the planet. The stories are supposed to be funny but they're just cringe-worthy at best. The funniest part of the book was unintentional - in one story, Max pinpoints the exact moment at which he realized he didn't want a career in law opting instead for life as a writer. Why is that funny? Because the book is terribly written. Sure, he throws in big words but he doesn't seem to be able to settle on verb tenses within his stories and pluralizes things with apostrophes. It reads like a bunch of really badly thought-out blog entries that he printed out on his home printer and had bound by some vanity press somewhere. So, really, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell is a pretty crappily-written book by and about an obnoxious asshole who does nothing but drink and take advantage of women who he thinks are, by default, pretty stupid. Why would you want to read that?

The Weekly Music. Metallica is one of the most overrated bands in history. There, I said it. Throw things at me if you want but I probably won't ever change my mind. That said, Death Magnetic is probably their best album in recent history and shows off exactly why they're so highly thought of. Death Magnetic is a return to mid-80's thrash form, with some really strong song-writing and some great instrumental prowess. What's marred most Metallica releases - and prevented some of them from being really good albums - is production. With Rick Rubin in the producer's seat this time around, the production is clean and crisp. If you never liked Metallica, Death Magnetic won't change your mind. If you've been waiting for a truly decent Metallica album, this one is right up your alley.

The Weekly Photo.

The Weekly Schadenfreude. Oops, look, Sarah Palin's email is right there on the internet where we can see it. Any why, exactly, was she using her Yahoo account for official government business? Because personal email accounts aren't subject to the same data management and auditing as those pesky official accounts.

The Weekly Hypothetical. Someone's making a movie of your life. Who plays you? And who writes the soundtrack?

Posted by Chris at September 19, 2008 5:58 AM

Hmm I have no idea who would play me - it's not as though there are any Hollywood actresses who closely resemble me ;) But I think I'd like Diana Krall to do the soundtrack. Because I like her :)

Posted by: Heather at September 19, 2008 6:45 AM

Your question is kind of spooky, because I was just about to write a post starting with "If someone was making a movie of my life..." but hadn't got as far as casting decisions. I'm thinking someone young, and hot, and preferably without a drug problem. That's ... like, no-one.

Posted by: Missy at September 19, 2008 7:31 AM

Thanks for the review for Metalica - the boyfriends been curious about it!

As for your comment on Palin... I do have to say, some of us at my government building of choice have to use our personal email accounts for our official unclass government work because the SAs screwed up all of our unclass email accounts and we can't recieve emails there anymore. So we've had to resort to using our personal accounts. Granted, that's probably not the case with her, but still. It's kinda lame up here.

Posted by: secha at September 19, 2008 7:44 AM

I heard the new Metallica track on the radio at the gym last week... it honestly sounded like a cover band mashing up older Metallica songs to me. but then... I'm a grumpy ol' bastid who hasn't liked anything they've released since Justice. I'll have to give the rest of the album a listen at some point.

your hypothetical reminds me of that Pavement lyric - "you've been chosen as an extra in the movie adaptation of the sequel to your life"... ;)

Posted by: platypotamus at September 19, 2008 7:54 AM

Reese Witherspoon - and after the movie I will curl up and die happy.

Soundtrack - same people that did You've Got Mail - I just love that soundtrack I love the oldies on it.

Posted by: Cass at September 19, 2008 8:17 AM

From what I've heard it sounds like the usual Metallica stuff. There was one clip that sounded suspciously like early Pearl Jam. (The song Go in fact -- the riffs are almost identical.)

I think they jumped the shark a while back.

Posted by: Nat at September 19, 2008 8:22 AM

My life is sooo not movie-worthy. But if I had to pick someone I'd go ahead and grab a good actor like Clooney and someone with some writing chops like Sheryl Crow for the soundtrack.

Posted by: Brad at September 19, 2008 8:44 AM

Thats a good one!
but i think i would have to research an actress who could pull off my wit, charm, and good looks...and possibly, my sarcasm ;)
As for have to go with Melissa Etheridge

Posted by: shannon at September 19, 2008 8:45 AM

I read that Beer in Hell. Awful.

Posted by: Gwen at September 19, 2008 8:57 AM

Naw, we need to get Joe Biden into the glass box. That poor man takes his foot and inserts it into his mouth daily!
Goodness me, Owen has your eye brows!
Let's see, who would play me in a movie? For looks probably Diane Lane. We are similar types.
The music, well Rachel Portman. She wrote the tracks for The Lake House, and I love her work.

Posted by: Maribeth at September 19, 2008 9:06 AM

That is a seriously cute picture.

As for the hypothetical, I've always been told that David Spade would play my part (which I can't argue with, but always found a little depressing), and while I'd like to think the soundtrack would be written by bands like System of a Down or Godsmack, its much more likely to be They Might Be Giants instead. Sigh.

Posted by: J at September 19, 2008 9:24 AM

Who plays me? Sandra Bullock. Yeah, she's older, and probably cuter, and not the greatest actress - but I can't think of anyone who hates her and she seems like a nice person... so cool.

And who writes the soundtrack? I do...

Posted by: Sarah at September 19, 2008 9:25 AM

OO! Lovely question...

I'd be played by Valerie Bertinelli, and the soundtrack would be written by....toughie. If we're going with "real" soundtrack people, I'd say Alan Silvestri, though if we're going for anything, even possibly impractical choices - I'd say Dave Matthews. :o)

Posted by: Emily at September 19, 2008 9:33 AM

Regarding Palin's email account...the shadyness of having a personal email account does NOT make it okay for someone to hack into it. People keep missing the point to the whole thing, the point being that there was nothing incriminating in her emails...and the fact that people who claim that Privacy is abig issue when it comes to the Govt. spying wire tapping are all now giddy a Governors email was has hacked. It is somehwat hypocritical.

I was actually hoping that maybe she sent pictures to Rich Eisen

Posted by: William at September 19, 2008 9:35 AM

Meg Ryan has to play me since I spent my whole youthhood trying to look just like her. And I think a Dave Matthews/Coldplay soundtrack would suit me just fine.

Posted by: k8 at September 19, 2008 10:05 AM

I'd want Kate Winslet to play me and Sam Beam to do the soundtrack. I had other smart things to say but now I can't remember.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at September 19, 2008 10:05 AM

Great photo!
I would hope to have Rachel McAdams play me (sure, we look absolutely nothing alike) and Lisa Loeb would write the soundtrack. Love her.

Posted by: Katie at September 19, 2008 10:13 AM

Neil Young would write the soundtrack. Who would play me? Well, if I got to choose, I would probably choose Angelina Jolie.

Posted by: Arwen at September 19, 2008 10:19 AM

I had an ex-boyfriend who thought Tucker Max was the coolest thing since sliced bread. That should have been a clue I suppose... :) I read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, because I had read Tucker's blog (also poorly written), and out of morbid curiosity. It never fails to amaze me how stupid people are to get caught up in his nonsense and actually sleep with him!

I *love* Death Magnet, but I agree that they are overrated. This new album is really brilliant. Hooked me with the first track.

Posted by: Kate at September 19, 2008 10:45 AM

my son always says I look like Audrey Hepburn (I don't see it), but I don't think she's available any more.

Posted by: cassie-b at September 19, 2008 10:52 AM

Me movie be played by Parminder Nagra (Bend it like Beckham) and scored by Randy Newman. Yarrr.

Posted by: oakley at September 19, 2008 11:23 AM

Hmm, I'd like to say Natalie Portman, 'cause she's quirky - probably a lot quirkier than I am, but actually I could see her pulling off quite a good 'me'.

And Pink would have to do the soundtrack.

That pic of you and the kids is just adorable :)

Posted by: starrynite at September 19, 2008 12:52 PM

I totally agree on the Metallica thing. And you know I actually had to turn of the NPR this week, I has to catch my breath a bit from all the political coverage. Then came back to it and heard about the emails this morning. That woman jsut makes my head hurt.

The movie? My vanity wants Catherine Zeta Jones. But ah, reality . . . Valerie Bertinelli pre-Jenny? Soundtrack has to be Harry Connick Jr., but only if he's in a happy place. He's a sad sack sometimes . . .

Posted by: OS at September 19, 2008 1:03 PM

I want Anne Hathaway to play me. No, we look nothing alike, but I like her.

Soundtrack? Annie Lennox. All the way!

Posted by: Mindy at September 19, 2008 2:07 PM

thats a no-brainer...Selma Hyack!

Posted by: punk rock mom at September 19, 2008 3:49 PM

thats a no-brainer...Selma Hyack! And soundtrack by Los Lobos

Posted by: at September 19, 2008 3:50 PM

I can't tell you how pissed the Sarah Palin Yahoo thing gets me. I am so glad all our tax dollars go to buy fancy firewalls and shit to protect sensitive govt interchanges so people like her can think they are above the law and put themselves on YAHOO of all places. Go Sarah!

Oh, and people say I look like Lisa Loeb, but I just think it's the glasses. When I do those face comparison widget thingees, it always comes up as James Spader. So, I guess I will have James Spader play me and Lisa Loeb write the soundtrack.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at September 19, 2008 4:01 PM

usually Metallica makes my ears bleed...but their new single? surprisingly GOOD>

Posted by: ali at September 19, 2008 4:21 PM

I love the picture!

Posted by: Dianna at September 19, 2008 7:12 PM

Sarah Jessica Parker because, while she's taller and skinnier, I think we have a similar look. And voice. Danny Elfman will write the score because I love him.

Posted by: Kelly at September 19, 2008 10:03 PM

Hmm, good question. I remember someone saying that I look like Molly Ringwald (in 16 candles days), but I'm not sure that I want her playing me.

As for the soundtrack - the folks that do the music for Grey's Anatomy, they do an awesome job.

Love the whole email thing - apparently she's about as smart as a box of doorknobs.

Posted by: Mandy Lou at September 19, 2008 10:38 PM

For all the bands to travel for, I am actually going to Seattle for the Metallica concert in December. It MIGHT have something to do with a promise to visit a friend before 2009, but hey, two birds, one stone?

For the younger me, Kirsten Dunst, since I used to get that a lot. (I always say I'm her older, ugly sister.) Older, probably Trisha Yearwood, since that's more dead-on. For the soundtrack, Liz Phair. Think what you will...

Posted by: alektra at September 20, 2008 9:39 AM

Pretty sad that someone who writes poorly can get published. And then become a best seller. Adorable photo!

Posted by: Heather at September 20, 2008 11:51 AM

The photo is absolutely darling... If you forget about the fact that you kind of look like you're evil in it.

Then again, maybe you are. ;)

Posted by: Jessa at September 21, 2008 8:40 PM

I remember reading Tucker Max's website way back in the day--and I think you've discovered him to be just who he is: a drunken, disrespectful womanizer. I will admit that it was funny for a little while but then it just got... old. And disappointing. And sad.

It never ceased to amaze me how many fans he had, though. And all of these women offering to sleep with him--so they could be ridiculed on his blog? No sense.

Posted by: Angela at September 23, 2008 4:41 PM