October 23, 2008

Freak Magnet or Freak?

Yesterday nearly kicked my ass. Hell, who am I kidding? Yesterday did kick my ass.

I started the day at six in the morning, working from home. I watched, horrified, as thirty emails - ones that I had to pay attention to and do something with - piled up in my inbox from the late night and wee hours. I had two very important back-to-back meetings for which people had been slaving most of the night and into the morning. I answered them, did all the worky things I had to do with them and, around ten, jumped in the shower, threw on my suit and headed to the dentist. No, I wasn't dressing to impress the dentist. Remember, those meetings.

Want to know what happens when you're a lazy son of a bitch and forget to floss all the damn time? You get to have something called root planing done. Sounds evil, doesn't it? That's because it is. Now, to my credit, I've been doing a month worth of hardcore flossing and I was rewarded for it by being absolved of having half the process done. That doesn't mean it didn't suck though. What do they do? Shoot you up with novocaine and scrape like rabid weasels under the gum line. I am so fucking hot. Anyway, it didn't really hurt all that bad and was much less of a big deal than I anticipated. After an hour and a half in the chair, I was done and made a mad dash for Monkeytown so that I'd be there at those important meetings when they happened.

I arrived in time - my compulsively early self was greatly relieved - and the meetings started as scheduled. Sounds like the day, despite the dental work, went okay, right? Not so fast.

What I've neglected to tell you is that, due to all that dental work, the right-hand side of my face wasn't working. I have a really high tolerance for novocaine so the dentist always jacks my ass up on the stuff. Which is great because I can't feel a damn thing. But it sucks because, for a fairly long period of time, I have virtually no control over my face. Hell, I couldn't even feel my nose yesterday. But in I walked to those important meetings hoping no one would notice that half my face was smiling while the other half was a perpetual frown. And no one did. For a while.

At the end of three hours, I thought I had it made. Sure, the feeling hadn't returned to my face but I'd somehow managed to defy the odds and talk like a normal person and I made a reasonable amount of sense in the process. And no one was even looking at me funny. Until the end of the meeting, that is. The end of the meeting when I got up, found a cold spot on my chest and traced it down to what could only have been one singularly extravagant drool puddle on my chest.

I fucking drooled on myself during a meeting. Drooled. On myself. In a fucking meeting. When exactly did I make the transformation from freak magnet to freak?

What's your most embarrassing moment? And sweet baby jesus tell me I'm not the only person who's ever done something like this. Even if you have to lie.

Posted by Chris at October 23, 2008 6:58 AM

I once sat on a mini hershey bar and it looked like I had shit my pants. I had meetings where I had to stand up and present while walking around. It wasn't until I got home that evening that my wife was nice enough to point it out. Apparently, I had sat on it early that morning while I was getting my shoes on.

Posted by: harrylips at October 23, 2008 7:25 AM

Oh, I hate dental freezing for that side effect!

Most embarrassing moment: One day, after losing a relatively significant amount of weight, but not yet taking the time to update my wardrobe to include pants that actually fit, I was running to the bus when my too-big pants fell down to my knees. My underwear and my still-ample ass was on display to the whole neighbourhood. And it was morning rushhour, so that was a whole lot of people...

Posted by: suze at October 23, 2008 7:27 AM

I think it was when I was on vacation on Nantucket and swimming in the pounding surf. I was a young (2nd time)newlywed and wearing a bikini and when I stood up near shore I had NO TOP! NO TOP!!!! I threw myself back in the water and then had to wait for Hubby to bring me something to cover up with.
At 30, after nursing 2 kids my boobs were not the perky things they had once been! Men, women and children went screaming from the beach!
You would a thought it was the second coming of JAWS!

Posted by: Maribeth at October 23, 2008 7:41 AM

Sometimes the worst part about a dental visit is the novocaine injection and the after affects.

Most embarassing? I don't embarass easily. With a mother like mine, I became immune to things that would normally embarass a person.

I went to a Halloween party one year with my husband (then live-in boyfriend) when we were in our 20s. My devil costume consisted of red tights, leotard, horns, cape, tail, and shoes. I had planned to wear a red mini skirt, but I couldn't find it. My DH assured me that the costume looked fine without it. At the party, I was standing in front of my husband as we stood chatting in a circle of 8 friends. He had his hands around my waist. One friend was telling an animated story in which we were all engrossed and laughing. Out of the blue, my DH moves his hands down from my waist to my crotch. All conversation and laughter stopped. ;-)

Posted by: Maria at October 23, 2008 8:03 AM

Well, my most embarassing moment also involved dental work, but fortunately VERY few people ever knew about it (til now, i guess). When I was 19, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. It didn't go super well, I felt totally sick and as a result, basically didn't eat for the two-three days after... which is why when I was at my then-boyfriend's house and we were in the shower together, I ended up TOTALLY PASSING OUT, and having to be carried OUT of the shower (Oh, he lived with his parents, btw). Yeah, came to in a completely different room with everyone knowing what was going on.

Oh yeah. Fun times.

Posted by: Sarah at October 23, 2008 8:08 AM

That -- had me laughing at loud at my desk!! Which could be embarrassing, except it's early so no one else is here yet.

The most embarrassing thing that pops into my mind (and this is the abridged version) is when I had a gyno appt. and instead of my regular (female) doctor, a really cute resident (male) came in. We had a nice long chat about the history of breast cancer in my family, he did his work and was about to send me on my way. Without a breast exam. After I told him that I don't really self-check and there's an extensive history in my family. Long story short, I had to BEG him to do a breast exam -- which essentially amounted to me feeling like I was beggin a hot guy to feel me up. He was embarrassed, I was embarrassed, and the nurse in the room was laughing hysterically.

Thank goodness that was BEFORE I had kids -- when my breasts were still awesome! (oh, TMI?)

Posted by: Robyn at October 23, 2008 8:10 AM

Unfortunately, most of my most embarassing moments were due to alcohol consumption and I started to type one but I'm actually to embarrassed to tell it. Let's just say embarassing moments? Yeah, I've had a few...

Novacaine -- does your dentist use the stuff that has ephenedrine in it? That works better but I can't use it because it makes my heart race so get the old stuff and it takes alot and forever to work. I too have had root planing around your age and before I started flossing regularly. It sucks and flossing is good for your teeth and your heart so they say.

Posted by: NancyJak at October 23, 2008 8:13 AM

Ooohhh! I just thought of an office moment.

One of the partners was standing just inside my office doorway speaking with me. During the conversation, he farted. His face turned red and I pretended not to notice because he was obviously embarassed. He exits quickly thereafter. Before I could pull out my Lysol, another partner comes into my office. He started to speak as soon as he walked into my office, but stopped and wrinkled his nose. He had a grimace on his face during the rest of our conversation.

These stories aren't really embarassing to me, just funny. Sorry. The only truly embarassing moments for me are any mention of the time I get into the office or when my managing partner recently told me that an Executive Committee partner (whom I'm close to) mentioned to her that I had emailed him at 2:30 a.m. Anything related to my insomnia embarasses me.

Posted by: Maria at October 23, 2008 8:15 AM

I once walked around all day, including teaching a class, with my zipper down. Black pants and bright pink underwear..and no one told me!

Posted by: Lisa at October 23, 2008 8:17 AM

If it makes you feel any better I had a cracked tooth filled Tuesday and, as sometimes happens, even after the maximum allowable number of novacaine shots I couldnt feel my face but still felt the tooth. We went ahead anyway.
I once went to work and, about to take off my jacket, realized I had neglected to put on a shirt. Sadly, true story.

Posted by: That Girl at October 23, 2008 8:36 AM

I had the root planing done a mont ago. When the dentist finished he said "sit up and rinse and spit."

I sat up, took sip of the mouth wash, and it then fell out of my mouth into my lap. I was wearing khakis...the bloody fluid splashed all over my crotch and it looked like I just got my period.

Posted by: William at October 23, 2008 8:38 AM

I can't even imagine that. Not the drooling part, but the part where no one said anything. The place I work is so casual that if something like that had happened during a meeting (even a very important one), everyone would've stopped what they were doing to laugh.

And I'm not sure what it says about me but I don't really have a most embarrassing moment, at least not one I can think of right now. Although I don't think my brain is fully awake yet because I can't even think of a slightly embarrassing moment.

Posted by: Leah at October 23, 2008 8:42 AM

Mine too is dentist related! I was getting a root canal done and as you, I have a high tolerance for Novocaine...and he had to keep giving me pick shots through the process..

Anyway he kept telling me that he needed to see my hand if at anytime I felt the "procedure" so to speak...the drill came down and my hand flew up and I gave the hygienist a black eye.

Needless to say I was mortified after it was over and couldn't look at her....it was a really bad one too.

And no, I never went back to that office!

Posted by: Michelle at October 23, 2008 8:47 AM

Ugh. I was at a concert in South Florida. I met up with an old friend there who I had not seen in quite some time. She had a new man, and was RADIANTLY GLOWING. She looked more beautiful than I had ever seen her. And? She had this wee belly.

Yeah, I asked her if she was pregnant. She replied with "Oh. No! haha! I have just been eating VERY well. Jon is a GREAT cook!"

I wanted to disappear. Her little tummy was so perfectly round. Did NOT look like pudge. It looked like baby.

Of course, I learned the lesson of 'NEVER ask a woman if she is pregnant. EVER!' the hard way.

Posted by: Jen at October 23, 2008 8:49 AM

That story is worthy of my admitting to my most embarassing moment.

Some years ago I was a classroom trainer in a brokerage firm. I was teaching a class one day, and all the participants were male. We were doing some kind of game and I divided the class into 2 teams and told them to choose names. one team decided to call themselves The Teabags.

Being a huge fan of tea (the plant/drink) and being narrow-mindedly focused on getting through the class I didn't catch it. I did, however, repeat it several times through the remainder of the class. Probably wrote it down somewhere too.

Afterwards a manager actually came up to me and talked to me about it.

Posted by: jessica at October 23, 2008 8:53 AM


Posted by: Gwen at October 23, 2008 9:03 AM

Moral of the story: Don't have meetings.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at October 23, 2008 9:15 AM

I am having a craptastic morning and I am sorry but the drooling on yourself thing just made me snort and laugh out loud. Oy, how mean. I have had so many moments like this I cannot even begin to tell you just one but thanks for laugh :)

Posted by: Christina at October 23, 2008 9:22 AM

OK, that is AWESOME! Seriously, I just got off the train where I was crammed in like a sardine while some unwashed miscreant rubbed up against me. I needed a good laugh. Thanks!

Posted by: erin at October 23, 2008 9:34 AM

oh I am so sorry but I cannot think of my moment because I am too busy laughing at yours. just the way you explained it is priceless...

Posted by: Holly at October 23, 2008 9:38 AM

I was scheduled for a job interview one day, and right before leaving the house, I got very insecure about my outfit and decided to change. I had been wearing a red suit and black blouse, but remembered hearing that wearing red for an interview makes you come across as too arrogant (it's a subconscious thing, apparently), so I grabbed a tan suit and pink sweater from teh closet.

What I didn't do was change out of the black bra, and I had spent the majority of the day running around the office without my jacket on, and the bra was nicely visible through the pastel colored sweater...

Posted by: MamaKaren at October 23, 2008 9:49 AM

I walked around all day with my shirt on inside out. To work. To three stores. To the post office where I stood in line for 40 minutes. Out to dinner. And then home. Where I walked into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and almost screamed with the horror. INSIDE OUT. ALL DAY. And very obviously inside out. And nobody had the BALLS to tell me. At least you had an excuse for your drool. My moment was just sheer stupidity.

Posted by: April at October 23, 2008 9:58 AM

I don't usually read all of the comments but todays are awesome!!

I gave my son (at the time was a senior in H.S.) a shirt. He always used to joke that he wanted to have a pet monkey someday. The shirt said, "My monkey made me do it" which I thought was so cute. Until my son explained what the shirt meant as he laughed his ass off at his stupid mother...

Posted by: Debbie at October 23, 2008 10:05 AM

I was in an OfficeMax in a small town. The cashier and I had been making small talk, and suddenly she looks in my direction and says very distinctly "You are Soooo Pretty". I was so caught off guard, I just said "Thank you" and then, because it was so weird, a shaky "Okay?" came out. I blushed profusely. As we were walking out of the door, I saw the little girl across the store that she had been talking to. She must've thought I was an arrogant ass -- I have gone 30 miles to the other Office Supply store because I'm so embarrassed!

Posted by: Jane at October 23, 2008 10:06 AM

Oh my god. And no one SAID anything? I mean seriously, that's just good conduct. "Um... yeah... did you know you were drooling?" Common courtesy, but I'm laughing my ass off nonetheless.

Posted by: k8 at October 23, 2008 10:19 AM

After "novocaine" and "going into a meeting", I immediately thought "Gee, I hope Cactus doesn't drool while giving a presentation."

Well, what d'ya know!

And yesterday must be a universal of all things embarrassing day. First, the zipper on my pants broke around 10 a.m. Thank god I carry giant safety pin. Thank GOD I drove so I had extra pants in the car to change in to.

And then, I dropped my wallet when I got out to Thrill the World practice last night in a park. Someone found it and returned the whole thing to the police substation in that same park. That's not really embarrassing, but as much as it's been a cosmically weird day, I was also exceptionally fortunate.

Posted by: oakley at October 23, 2008 10:54 AM

OMG that was funny...I too have sat in chocolate - amazing how one little bit can look like a whoooole bunch of poo. Also had pantyhose fall down as I was walking into church once. Let's see... had a tray holding a hot dog with the works slide off the seat back tray when I was on Amtrak from NY to DC...just as we had left NY. Hrm.. I know there's more..

Posted by: Sue R at October 23, 2008 10:59 AM

I'm sorry, but that is the funniest thing I've heard all week. Better you than me. ;-)

As for me? When I was a cheerleader in HS, I did a jump and the back of my skirt didn't come all the way down, so I stood there for a whole quarter with my butt on display to the entire school. Yes, I had those cheerleader underwear things on, but still . . . my butt! Uncovered! Entire school in attendance! Ack!

Posted by: Kimberly at October 23, 2008 11:16 AM

Okay...I'm so sorry, but that made me laugh so hard I totally forgot every embarrassing moment I've ever experienced! Again, sorry, but thanks! ;-)

Oh, and been there...had that dental work done...not so bad, but not something I would recommend! And, my chin was numb for like 10 hours after! My husband made fun of me!

Posted by: cyndy at October 23, 2008 11:26 AM

Okay, that made me laugh!

So a long time ago in a galaxy far far away I worked as a writer for a small intranet company created and horrifically run by a group of young men. We would occasionally have meetings where I would be filled with loathing for the words coming out of their mouths.

I have a nervous habit of rubbing my lips when I am in an uncomfortable situation and typically I have on some sort of lip therapy to rub into them while I am rubbing.

That particular morning I had gotten moderately dressed up and even put on lipstick, red lipstick.

Of course I forgot this fact and during the meeting began to rub on my lips. My good friend Patrick was sitting across from me and started to look at me funny. I noticed this and then saw my finger covered in lipstick.

"Did I just rub lipstick all over my face?" I asked.

"Um, yeah..." answered Patrick.

I excused myself to wash my face and to this day I buy the lipstick that you can't get off even when you try.

Posted by: Amy at October 23, 2008 11:29 AM

Oh my god, I'm sorry but I had to laugh over this because with all the dental work I've had recently, I have totally been there! Thankfully, not in a meeting though!

Posted by: La Petite Chic at October 23, 2008 11:41 AM

I had almost the exact same experience- had the deep root scaling (same as root planning) done before going out with friends. I drooled red wine out of my mouth at dinner. TOTALLY HOTT.

Posted by: chatty cricket at October 23, 2008 12:00 PM

First, I need to apologize for laughing so hard I had tears coming down my face. I'm sorry.

I was about 7 months pregnant, and I was out to dinner with my ex, several of his business associates, and the top dogs from the company that was having the convention at my ex's hotel. The CEO, a very conservative man in his mid 70s, leans over and says "You have something on your bosom."

I look down - and I have a perfectly round wet spot, the size of - oh - a large orange, on my boob. I hadn't dropped anything. My boobs just started leaking. There was absolutely nothing that I could do about it. When it dried, it left a ring. After dinner we went to a show, after the show we went out for drinks (entertaining while pregnant sucks ass) - with well meaning people telling me I had something on my blouse all evening.

Posted by: Mindy at October 23, 2008 12:13 PM

you are asking the wrong person, chris. embarrassing things happen to me, um, daily.

but i haven't drooled on myself in a meeting. yet. heh.

Posted by: ali at October 23, 2008 12:42 PM

Chris, THAT was AWESOME!!! I wish I could top it but will offer up this relatively tame tidbit instead:

When my son was in elementary school, I did volunteer work at the school and occasionally stopped in to chat with the principal on my off days.

One day after a chat with her, I went back to my car, got in, and glanced in the mirror. Apparently the ketchup from the burger I had eaten prior to going into the office had gotten on my cheek in a small blob and I managed to sit and talk with the principal for about 15 minutes with this blob on my face.

The killer is obvious - she didn't say a word about it! I was so mortified that I didn't go back to chat with her for a LONG time.

Posted by: zanie at October 23, 2008 12:42 PM

My dentist recommends swishing orange juice in your mouth to help the novacaine wear off faster. You should try it next time, it really works.

Posted by: Jaimie at October 23, 2008 12:44 PM

Oh... I'm so sorry. Except not really. Because while that may have been awful for you, it made me laugh out loud at school today. And I've had precious little to laugh about lately because being old at school really sucks balls sometimes. And all that learning. {shudder} Anyhoo, I've had plenty of embarrassing moments, none of which I will recall for you right now. BUT! Thank you for the giggle!

Posted by: sunshine at October 23, 2008 12:49 PM

I can't say that I've ever done that. I mean, yes I sometimes drool on myself, but never in public, thankfully.

Also, I hate it when your nose is numb. Especially when it's cold outside.

Posted by: statia at October 23, 2008 1:39 PM

It was bound to happen. *snicker*

When I was doing chemo, I would attend staff meetings with a wet paper towel over my eyes (burning eyes was the only side-effect I had). It would have been helpful if I'd had an assistant let me know, that one time, about the unbalanced buttoning of the blouse. Meh.

And the tucking the skirt into the back of the pantyhose after a bathroom break? Yeah.

Posted by: bhd at October 23, 2008 1:45 PM

The only story that specifically comes to mind is when I was 11 and felt something squishy in my pastel purple pants but didn't go to the bathroom to check it out until I got home from school and found I had Become A Woman that day.


(You asked for a story...)

Posted by: Poppy at October 23, 2008 1:45 PM

Oh my. That was really, really funny. You had me crying with laughter.
Thanks, Chris.

Posted by: Wack-a-do at October 23, 2008 1:48 PM

Remember when I wrote about dressing up as Harley Quinn from Batman many moons ago?

The crotch ripped in the costume, completely.

Luckily, I hadn't listened to my friend, who was telling me my underwear lines were dumb and I should go without.

Posted by: alektra at October 23, 2008 3:03 PM

I have nominated you for an award, my cactusy friend. Check out my blog :-)

Posted by: GreenCanary at October 23, 2008 3:27 PM

No, I'm the same way with novocaine it takes a lot which means lots of shots. I got smart this last time though when I needed a cavity filled and just told him to forget it. I can't stand the shot in the gum which oddly enough is much more painful than having your tooth drilled.

Posted by: Dianna at October 23, 2008 5:00 PM

Oh man. That's unfortunately hilarious.

Praying that my dentist appointment tomorrow is not that eventful. I'm a 3-4 shot Novocaine girl.

I've blocked out all the highly stupid and embarrassing things that I've done so well that I can't think of anything worth retelling at the moment.

Posted by: Jen at October 23, 2008 8:20 PM

I used to get super-nervous when I had a voice recital. I'm introverted anyway, and when you add the pressure of performing, well, many a times I was shaking like a leaf waiting to begin.

That all changed the day my bra came unhooked during an especially tricky song. It was a cheap bra, but I wore it because it was thickly-padded and therefore modest. It fastened in the front and, alas, came undone after one particularly large exhalation. I sang the rest of the song with the two halves of my bra slowly sliding apart.

Twenty years later, I'm still blushing a little. But from then on, the prospect of a merely mediocre performance never bothered me.

Posted by: Laura at October 23, 2008 8:47 PM

that made me laugh out loud and i actually read it to my husband! sorry to laugh at your embarassment, but that is classic! i now feel its only fair to share a quick humiliating moment from my book of memoirs. being the computer guy you are you will appreciate this. a few months ago I was emailed a document that was to be printed on legal sized paper. well when i opened the document the text was vertical instead of horizontal. so being the computer savvy fabulous person I am, I took the laptop and turned it on its side so it looked like an open book so i could read it. well my husband came in and took one look at me and laughed his ass off. he then showed me how to change to format so that i could read it with the laptop being in its correct position. he loves to tell that story and does so any chance he gets.

Posted by: madmom at October 23, 2008 9:05 PM

Haha oh man, poor guy! My *most* embarrassing moment involved family discovering...toys. And then mentioning them while we were out to dinner. And then I died.

Posted by: Heather at October 23, 2008 9:08 PM

At least you go to dentist. I think I have dentist phobia....

...and OMG I laughed my ass off at that story. :P How embarrassing!

Posted by: Scatteredmom at October 23, 2008 10:51 PM

Oh you poor thing, that was too funny!

My moment was more embarrassing for someone other than me, I found it mostly hysterical. My in-laws were visiting from out of town. MIL and I were running errands, came across a very busy garage sale, & started browsing. I looked up in shock when I heard her yell "HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR THIS DILDO?!?!?!?!" She had found it tucked away in a box under some other crap. The homeowner was horrified. She grabbed it away from my MIL and stammered that it wasn't for sale. We left very quickly and laughed our asses off all the way home.

I can't really think of anything that's happened to me personally, except maybe the time my mom left us kids in the van while grocery shopping, and returned WITH the bag boy only to find us all playing doctor. Of course, now that I tell that story I realize that once again, it was more embarrassing for someone else.

Posted by: Peggi at October 24, 2008 1:44 AM

Most recent was yesterday...client meeting...my daughter threw up everywhere! Beats dribble everyime.. (long story as to why she was there) but I was mortified. More details here...http://littlereginald.blogspot.com/

Posted by: Beth at October 24, 2008 5:17 AM

Oh.My.Gawd. That? Is downright hilarious. I've always worried that I've drooled on myself after I've had novocaine, but I've never actually done it. I think you might be in the top 0.005% of the population who has done that.

The closest thing I've come to that sort of embarrassment was when I was, uh, changing a certain female 'protection' product and I dropped the, uh, empty used applicator, and it rolled underneath the closed door, out into plain view of the kids in the clinic and the secretaries in the office. I was fucking *mortified*... but I hurried my ass up, opened the door, retrieved said item, and practically ran my ass out of that area. I didn't want to know if anyone saw anything. I was absolutely mortified. How do you explain that to a few second graders?!??

Posted by: ironic1 at October 24, 2008 7:25 AM

Please tell me that you were able to explain the reason for the drool spot to everyone?

Posted by: Zandria at October 26, 2008 11:18 PM

I've been so busy that I haven't been by here several days. What was I thinking!?!?!?!? Drool. ah aha ha hha ha. classic. You would have totally made the last week so much easier to tolerate. I was in a three day meeting once with our entire IT and marketing staff. On day three, I simultaneously nodded off to sleep and recieved a call on my cell in my pocket which I had forgotten to turn off. Hey, everybody, look at me! Mortified. Oh, and the person who called's ringtone is an entire scene from Conan the Barbarian. Uh, yah . . .

Posted by: OS at October 28, 2008 8:08 AM