December 2, 2008

Escape Velocity

Dear Target -

I've long been a fan of your pajamas. I have a dark green pair that I've worn to the point of being nearly threadbare. They're wonderful. My only complaint is that the material is slightly form-fitting, especially in the crotchal region. Since I wear these in the comfort of my own home, this isn't really a big issue. Everyone here has seen my junk. But it did prove slightly uncomfortable when I wore them in the hospital when Mia was born. I caught more than one nurse trying to see what kind of package was in the mail. So to speak.

The perfection that is these pajamas forced me back to your fine establishment to find more. And I did. Two pairs to be exact - one black, one gray. Unfortunately they weren't exactly like my previous pair. It seems they've been slightly re-engineered with a bonus design flaw. Unlike the previous pair that assumes absolutely no gender or need for peeing standing up, these most recent pairs have four inch slits down the front, apparently designed for easy wang access. Unfortunately, said hole also allows wangs the freedom to flop around all willy-nilly on the outside of the PJs, having sought and found freedom. Despite the fact that I wear these only around the house, I've already been trapped in several interesting and compromising positions. This weekend, for example, I felt a decided nether-region chill and looked down to see that Willy was free. While preparing breakfast for my daughter later that morning, I was abruptly asked, "what's your penis doing?" Gazing south, I was immediately able to confirm that the little general had launched an air assault past the front lines.

I, for one, am not a fan of the whole easy access idea. But I don't presume to speak for all men. Allow me, instead, to suggest a happy medium - zippers, buttons, snaps or even velcro (though velcro may have some unpleasant side-effects depending on one's grooming habits). Regardless of the mechanics, there should be a way to prevent the rocket from leaving the launch pad unless lift-off is the goal.

Yours in Christ,
Chris Cactus and the Commander-In-Pants

What are your most embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions?

Posted by Chris at December 2, 2008 6:07 AM

I'm thankful you write for us every day. :-) How difficult would it have been for them to add a button or two to the front?

Not exactly a wardrobe malfunction, but a funny story none the less. My husband and I were both home from work one sweltering summer evening. I ran upstairs to change out of my suit before jumping in the shower. He went into his office to play with his computer. My clean clothes were in the basement, so I decided to shower downstairs. In my underwear, I put a towel around my neck and walked downstairs to his office. In the 5 minutes I was upstairs, his friend had stopped by. :-)

Posted by: Maria at December 2, 2008 6:43 AM

Dear Mr. Cactus:

Thank you for your purchase of our new pajamas. We are sorry to hear many of the new features are not working out for you. We truly apologize, but would like to offer some suggestions that may aid you in your dilemma.

First, is your wife/SO/sister/butt buddy buying these pajamas for herself or for you? As you may have noticed, women love to wear men's clothing, as such we must now accommodate ALL people in these the aughts.

Second, how do I put this, we have a very nice men's underwear aisle stocked with boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, tighty-whiteys and maybe an occasional man-thong. Ummm .... sometimes "junk" stays in pajamas when wearing these. It may sound like a marketing ploy to sell said man panties, but, this is one of our greatest defenses against premature junk launching.

Finally, if neither of these two options seem to be acceptable, might we suggest a very effective apparatus that has been around for years. Most houses have them somewhere hidden in a junk drawer - no pun intended - or attached to most dry cleaning. It's called a safety pin. You could use that to secure the family jewels neatly inside our fine line of pajama pants.

In conclusion, I want to again say thanks for the purchase of our comfortable unisex pajama bottoms and we're glad the nursing staff of Monkey Town General Hospital benefited from your free advertising - both of the pants and your parents genetics. We have spoken with your wife and she agrees the easy access is ideal for her. We're sorry this has caused you undue pain and suffering, but in her opinion that is greatly outweighed by her ... ummm ... female pleasure.

If there is anything else we can do, besides help you expose yourself to your young female child, we are always here to help.

Sincerely and with the love of a thousand virgins,

Large Conglomerated Marketing Estrogen Powerhouse Target.

Posted by: Knot at December 2, 2008 7:16 AM

Oh, dear God.

My most embarrassing wardrobe malfunction is also the most embarrassing moment of my entire life (thus far, of course).

I was 18 and working as a secretary for a friend's accounting software company. Our offices were on the third floor of the American General building in Houston, a high-rise structure with a huge, glass-walled cafeteria in the center of the ground floor. From the seating area, you could watch the lobby and elevator banks.

Our floor didn't have potties, so in order to make a ladies' room run, one had to head for the first floor, come out of the elevator, and walk past the cafeteria to the far end of the lobby.

One day, right at 12:30, when the cafeteria was, of course, packed to the gills, I made a potty run. While waiting for an elevator, with my back to said packed cafeteria, I noticed a couple of maintenance guys staring and obviously discussing me. Animatedly. Finally, the younger of the two walked over. To inform me, in a mortified whisper, that my long, flowing, silk skirt was firmly tucked into the top of my pantyhose.

I was not wearing undies. Just sheer-to-waist nude-toned hose.

About 200 people had watched me walk from the ladies' room, all the way across the lobby, and then stand, for a full two or three minutes, virtually nekkid from the waist down.

Fortunately, at the time, I had a world class, 18 year old surfer girl ass. Tan lines and everything. Still. I gave notice that afternoon.

And you know what? It's been almost 30 years, and while I can laugh about it now, reliving that moment still causes me to hurl just a little.

Posted by: Elise at December 2, 2008 7:35 AM

I think the worst was when I got my new puppy 12 years ago. I'd never had this certain breed of dog before and knew very little about them. Well, we were taking a long trip with her to New Hampshire (at the time I was living in FL) and I was sitting with her on my lap in the airport terminal waiting for my flight. Several children charged over to see the puppy and the next thing I knew something smelled really bad! This sweet little dog, in her fear, had expressed her anal glands onto my beautiful pure wool LL Bean skirt! I tried to blot it off, and the oils only got worse. Seems wool likes oils! For the rest of the day, until I was reunited with my clothing, I smelled like dog sh*! and there was nothing I could do about it, except smile when I got "the look"!

Posted by: Maribeth at December 2, 2008 7:45 AM

I did fall out of a top once during a date... It was a tight fitting crop top. I didn't have the abs to be wearing it even then.

The Man has a pair of Calvin Klein pants that have a button to prevent escapes. (I've also heard of people stitching them shut.)

Posted by: Nat at December 2, 2008 8:06 AM

oh wow. nice.

my moment? bending over at my friends' house to pick up something and my jeans splitting clear in the ass. oh yes. thank goodness for a full underwear day. LOL!

Posted by: Holly at December 2, 2008 8:31 AM

and ow, thanks for making me laugh and the ensuing explosion of pain in my head.

Posted by: cri at December 2, 2008 8:32 AM

Simple really, drunken college weekend night. Naked in the Hardee's drive-thru...

without a car!


Posted by: JackassJimmy at December 2, 2008 8:58 AM

While I can not think of my own personal wardrobe malfunction, I am thinking I might need to re-check the pajama pants I bought from Target for my husband for Christmas. I don't seem to recall a flap in the front but now, I'm making a note to double check them when I get home today!

Posted by: Claire at December 2, 2008 9:06 AM

2001 - Halloween

I had a Harley Quinn costume (from the animated Batman series). My friend was complaining of VPL (visible panty lines) and tried to convince me not to wear underwear with the costume. Being somewhat of a prude, I did wear said underwear. We went to a concert that night, and I was having a really good time. The bouncer was a huge Batman fan and let me in for free when he realized I could do the voice.

Of course, when I was dancing, the crotch ripped WIDE open. Um, thank GOD I'm a prude?

There are others, though, many other embarassing stories. Sigh...

Posted by: alektra at December 2, 2008 9:20 AM

Can you or the missus sew a couple of buttons on that puppy?

I don't have any major wardrobe malfunctions, but I do manage to regularly flash bra strap.

Posted by: Fraulein N at December 2, 2008 9:41 AM

16 years old, first day on the job at a movie theater. New black skirt, as black and white were the uniform, and as I was getting out of the car, RIP! I was MORTIFIED.

Posted by: jane at December 2, 2008 9:43 AM

HILARIOUS!! I actually laughed out loud at this entry, multiple times! :) Needed that this morn!

Posted by: Kell at December 2, 2008 10:05 AM

that is hilarious. I love how the nurses were checking the package in the mail. HILARIOUS!!!!

Posted by: La Petite Belle at December 2, 2008 10:16 AM

Hang on a sec what's Beth's take on all this? In a theoretical situation where I am happily married I can't see the problem with this situation unless the PJs were pink or had wacky pics on them because that's not so sexy.

But if you want to play hard-to-get just velcro the tent shut. You can find velcro in the drugstore, usually near the sewing stuff.

Hee hee

Posted by: jessica at December 2, 2008 10:17 AM

My husband just bought some pj bottoms from Target last week and we're noticing the same issue. I'm going to be sewing a button on there for him because that stupid fly won't stay shut. Though he does wear boxers underneath, so there haven't been any malfunctions of the free Willy type. Yet.

Posted by: Leah at December 2, 2008 10:32 AM

I went to the symphony with my friend Steve and was so excited to wear my "Christmas" dress last month. It's a year old and you can't wear them to just anything, you know.

Well, the girls have gotten decidedly bigger since last year, but I tucked them in a wore my dress proudly.

Until I looked down during the second half and noticed that my nipples were about to jump out. Brown cow out there for the world to see. And because I'm classy, I just shoved my hand down the front and tucked them back in.


Posted by: k8 at December 2, 2008 10:54 AM

haha. this week my inlaws dropped by late on saturday night. we had been dealing with a sick isabella and gabe was wearing boxers and a tshirt. a feverish appendage can make you HOT. when his parents left, he lifted isabella off of him to get up and walk them out. and, erm, well, something popped out. GAH. i almost died.

Posted by: ali at December 2, 2008 11:10 AM

"What is your penis doing?" should be your new tagline!

Posted by: Susan at December 2, 2008 11:10 AM

what a hoot! The one I remember best - wasn't that long ago - I was wearing some comfy, older khaki pants to work - we were moving boxes around that day. We stopped for lunch - one of my co-workers was sitting at about eye level with my crotch - and kept getting redder. Finally he was able to mutter something about my fly. I looked down and the zipper on my old, comfy pants had given way and my hot pink undies were very visible. GAH!

Posted by: Sue R at December 2, 2008 11:57 AM

Tee hee hee.

Posted by: Heather at December 2, 2008 12:08 PM

I once had a dress that zipped all the way up/down the front. A friend thought it was just decoration and gave the zipper a nice big pull during class. Yeah.

Posted by: Amy at December 2, 2008 12:34 PM

A suggestion...could you get Beth to sew them closed? My hubby volunteers for the fire department, and I have done this for several pairs of pj's he wears there.

Posted by: Kris H at December 2, 2008 1:07 PM

Hoop has a pair of shorts like that. He never wore them after our dog mistook his escaping willy for something to play with. That was a baaaaad day for both Hoop and the dog.

Posted by: Tink at December 2, 2008 2:43 PM

i was once running down a manhattan street to catch a bus. when i got on people were staring at me. i soon realized almost all the buttons on my blouse were open and the girls were on full display. in a bra of course but not a very concealing one. and of course the bus was crowded.

Posted by: madmom at December 2, 2008 3:13 PM

Okay, here is my story of shame.

It was the summer of my 12th year. I was totally in love with this boy named Richard. He was the Brad Pitt of the 6th grade and I lurved him. We went swimming one very hot day at the lake down the road. It was THE PLACE to be that summer. I had on my very cute one piece bathing suit. It was new and as of yet untested. I was hoping to lure Richard with my beauty. As we were all swimming I stood up in the water and everyone stopped talking. This is when that little shit Richard who is probably bald and very fat now yelled out "Man your boobs are really small!!"
My bathing suit had slipped.
Fun stuff there. heh.

Posted by: dawn at December 2, 2008 3:59 PM

That is definitely a "milk coming our of my nose" piece of writing. I can't stop laughing.

Posted by: Jess at December 2, 2008 4:56 PM

One thing a gal NEVER wants to ask whilst having her breakfast is "what is your penis doing?". This is very funny. Alas I cannot think of anything for myself...but thanks for the laugh!

Posted by: Beth at December 2, 2008 4:59 PM

Dude I spit water out my nose ..."what's your penis doing" funny kid, funny story! Can you sew?

Posted by: Alexandra at December 2, 2008 5:29 PM

Laughing my ass off. Thanks.

Okay -- I was in my early twenties and went to the theater with my Mom. She was working for a local paper and was reviewing the play. During intermission one side of my string bikinis broke, so I took them off, stuffed them in the trash and finished watching the play. We went to lunch afterward. I dropped Mom off at the restaurant, turned left and into a parking lot across the street. I waited patiently for the light to change, as Mom was waiting patiently across the street outside the restaurant.

Cue huge guest of wind, blowing my skirt up over my head, flashing my vajayjay to the 30 or so cars at the toplight. And my Mom.

Posted by: Stacy at December 2, 2008 5:38 PM

OMG that was so funny I have tears running down my face and my 6 year old daughter keeps on asking, "what's so funny TELL ME NOW" and that's making me laugh even harder. I was in a bad mood before too, so thanks for making my evening a little cheerier :)))))))

Posted by: Shannen at December 2, 2008 5:55 PM

OMG that was so funny I have tears running down my face and my 6 year old daughter keeps on asking, "what's so funny TELL ME NOW" and that's making me laugh even harder. I was in a bad mood before too, so thanks for making my evening a little cheerier :)))))))

Posted by: Shannen at December 2, 2008 5:55 PM

I'm laughing my ass off reading this!

Seriously, "what is your penis doing?" - best line ever!

Posted by: Kris at December 2, 2008 6:51 PM

Too funny! Am forwarding the link to this post to my boyfriend. Thanks for giving me a laugh in the middle of a research paper!

Posted by: Dianna at December 2, 2008 8:45 PM

Ok, seriously? I almost fell off the chair laughing at this because I BOUGHT THE SAME PANTS. Simon loves the Target pj pants, but he ripped his last pair, so I thought I would buy another for him. He put them on that night and walked out saying, "Uh... I think there's something missing on these." I ended up sewing them shut because there was no way he could walk around the house with my family in those!

Posted by: Jessa at December 2, 2008 8:48 PM

You have the best euphemism ever. And sewing them shut might be a good solution :)

Posted by: Heather at December 2, 2008 8:50 PM

I have to say thank you for this post because the entire thing had me smiling and the closing had me on the floor laughing. Yours in Christ...oh sweet mother of moses I am totally signing some e-mails that way this week. Thanks!

Posted by: Cass at December 2, 2008 9:45 PM

I don't have a wardrobe malfunction that springs to mind (possibly if there was one it was so traumatic I blocked it out!) but there are 2 that I can share that belong to friends of mine :-)

One was a good (male) friend of mine. We were still in high school at the time and he was spending the weekend at my house. It was hot summer so he was sleeping in a t-shirt and sleep shorts, but, um, the sleep shorts had the slit in the front as those pants you just bought from Target, so of course Willy went in search of fresh air. Now, he was a really shy and conservative guy so that little exposure incident just about killed him - especially because my mom saw as well :-)

The other incident was when I was helping out at a self-defense course. We were busy going through the warm up and we do a stretch where you squat down really low. One evening as we did this, the one guys pants just ripped right down the back - the room was silent at the time so that rip was deafening. Needless to say it resulted in everyone (including the guy, who thankfully had a good sense of humour) laughing themselves silly :-)

Posted by: Delia at December 3, 2008 12:07 AM

I'm dying - so funny!

My worst wardrobe malfunction was a bikini top that flew off twice in the same day. It had amazing rubber band like qualities too - I mean that sucker just flew off my body. Needless to say, I never wore it again.

Posted by: Kimberly at December 3, 2008 11:45 AM

I'm crying from laughing so hard (silently) in my shared office right now…

See, I wondered if there were any men who didn't want easy access.
My husband (also Chris) has two pairs of sleep pants, both with the slit, but there are 2 buttons. Funny thing is, in spite of the ability to just whip it out, he still insists on pulling them down when going to the bathroom.

Posted by: Beth at December 3, 2008 2:35 PM

I've been absent I know why my life seemed so shallow and worthless. It's posts like this that make life worth living really.

Posted by: The Stilettom Mom at December 3, 2008 5:55 PM

LOL! OMG this is sooo funny. Found it on StumbleUpon and it was exactly what I needed this evening. Although the original letter was hilarious enough (esp. the comment from your daughter), these comments make it absolutely hilarious. =) Tink and Stacy, thank you for making me laugh so hard I about fell off my chair.

No horrifying stories like that about me, but I've also had bikini tops come off and slip while around my crush. =(

Posted by: Ashley at December 3, 2008 6:43 PM

"willy nilly" Snort!
Does it count as a wardrobe malfunction that my husband once got ready for work in a hurry and in a meeting discovered that what he had thought was a handkerchief when he pulled it out of the laundry basket was in fact a pair of my knickers? He discovered this when he pulled said "handkerchief" out in front of 12 assembled lawyers.

Posted by: Loth at December 4, 2008 8:12 AM

oh dear God, that's funny. between you and knot, I just woke up my husband, laughing so hard.

no wardrobe malfunctions here - I have a phobia about that...I quadruple check the clothing before anyone sees me.

seriously, get a needle and thread and sew that business shut.

Posted by: jen at December 6, 2008 12:12 AM

My worst wardrobe malfunction?

Flashing my butt to thousands on Main Street USA in Disneyland when my skirt got caught up in the waistband.

Oh least a stranger said I had "cute cheeks" and as far as I know, nobody took a pic and posted it on the Internet.

How about just sewing up the slit?

Posted by: Scatteredmom at December 7, 2008 3:00 PM

Specialists claim that home loans help a lot of people to live the way they want, because they can feel free to buy needed stuff. Moreover, some banks present car loan for different persons.

Posted by: RosarioGreen at September 20, 2010 4:34 PM