January 23, 2009

The Weeklies #70

The Weekly Time Waster. Loops of Zen. You can thank me later.

The Weekly Convenient Juxtaposition. The other day, I drove past an adult bookstore right next to a mattress store. Coincidence?

The Weekly Douchebag. Rush Limbaugh, quoted on Wednesday. "I Hope Obama Fails.' Somebody's gotta say it."

The Weekly Idea That's Going To Make Me Rich Thus Furthering My Quest For World Domination. Beer slurpees.

The Weekly Read. A while back I read The Cleanup by Sean Doolittle. I recall it being good but I don't really remember very many specifics. That's the problem with so many thrillers - they're not memorable and they blend together. I expected the same from Doolittle's Safer but I was immediately proven wrong. Safer was compelling, filled with twists, and finely written. And perhaps the most important thing? It's not easily forgettable. While I was lukewarm on Doolittle after The Cleanup, Safer's forced me to hit Amazon and pick up some of his other novels.

The Weekly Music. Days before my local Tower Records (RIP) closed its doors for the final time, I visited and picked up a whopping 7 CDs for something like $20. The pickings were slim and the whole place was depressing as hell. How the mighty fall. Anyway, I fell in love with one of the CDs almost immediately - Tea and Sympathy by Bernard Fanning. It's rootsy blend of Black Crowes and The Band rock went into heavy rotation. A month or so ago, I was looking through some magazine's list of top albums of 2008 and Fanning's name jumped out at me. Only, in this context, it was as the lead singer of a band named Powderfinger. Holy crap, there's more of this guy out here? I downloaded the band's latest, Dream Days At The Hotel Existence. While it's not quite as rootsy as Fanning's solo album, Powderfinger blends The Crowes and The Band with more modern alt-rock influences to come up with something that sounds like a groovy Stone Temple Pilots with just a hint of INXS. It's good stuff. Oh, and one last musical note (ha) - you've heard of Band From TV, right? Featuring Hugh Laurie from House and a host of other folks you've seen on the small screen, the music is pretty damn good. Much better than you'd expect.

The Weekly Awesome Gadget. Are your breasts chilly? Get the handy-dandy USB bust warmer. Just plug it into the USB port on your computer and you'll be on your way to toasty boobies.

The Weekly Best Spam. Hot Girls Will Fuck With You. You know, including the with there really changes the meaning of that sentence so I'm guessing that was an accident.

The Weekly Schadenfreude. You'd think Chief Justice Roberts could just scrawl the measly 35 words of the presidential oath of office on some note cards to make sure he - and President Obama - got it right. But no. On Wednesday, President Obama and Chief Justice Roberts did a do-over out of an "abundance of caution". This time, Roberts asked the President if he was ready. Obama replied, "I am, and we're going to do it very slowly."

The Weekly Hypothetical. You're the newly elected president of the United States. It's your first night in the White House. What's the first thing you do?

Posted by Chris at January 23, 2009 6:33 AM

It's your first night sleeping in the White House, you've got to break in the bed. That just goes without saying.

Posted by: ktjrdn at January 23, 2009 7:38 AM

I would find the nicest fireplace and get them to bring the most comfortable chair in the place to set before it, and then I would sip brandy with my dackels in front of a roaring fire there and meditate!

Posted by: Maribeth at January 23, 2009 7:54 AM

Hold hands with my wife and jump up and down on the bed like little kids.

Posted by: Shelly at January 23, 2009 7:57 AM

Juxtaposition: That is funny. In the Village, there is an adult store two doors down from a motel/bed and breakfast.

Awesome Gadget: Hysterical. How did you happen upon this one?

Hypothetical: Am I with a hot man? If so, I have sex.

Posted by: Maria at January 23, 2009 7:57 AM

I think the Obama's have a pretty um, healthy, relationship, so I'm guessing they christened the 1st bedroom.

Me, I get home after 2 am after a day of swearing ins and balls and such, I'm sleeping, big time.

Posted by: jodifur at January 23, 2009 8:10 AM

If I have a hot guy in my presence, then we are breaking in every bed in the place...now that would be fun!

The bookstore had me giggling, there was a place in CT on the border to where I went to school called Bookends. One day we drove by and there were tons of people protesting porn and that we were all going to hell. So we pulled up 5 girls in a car and my friend Lea Ann marched right in there and bought two playgirls and as girls do when they are young and in college we laughed hysterically at all the protesters and giggled uncontrollably when she came out of the store victorious.

Posted by: Deirdre at January 23, 2009 8:13 AM

Do I need to be the first to say it? Rush Limbaugh is SUCH as asshole.
First night in the white house? Well, I'd like to say inaugurate the bed but in reality it would be stay up all night roaming the house and taking it all in the silence(?) of night.

Posted by: NancyJak at January 23, 2009 8:14 AM

Oh, it's not that my husband and I don't have a healthy relationship. It's just that that seems like a really long day.

Posted by: jodifur at January 23, 2009 8:15 AM

Forget the bed, there has to be plenty more exciting places.

Posted by: steff at January 23, 2009 8:47 AM


Posted by: dawn at January 23, 2009 8:55 AM

SO much to comment on. Mostly way to go Rush - you totally rock. I guess there has to be one asshole in the room, right?!

First night in the white house as new president? Happy dance (oh wait that was me!)

Finally, because why not end with it but I have noticed that around these parts as well - the adult bookstore NEXT to the mattress store... makes me shudder just to think about it!

Posted by: Christina at January 23, 2009 8:57 AM

F in the lincoln bedroom but something tells me Michelle would put the kibosh to that.... I dont wish Obama would fail, thats pretty much wishing we as a country fail...I do wish people would stop putting this guy on such a pedestal. No one knows how he'll do....lets hope he does well and makes good on some promises. Putting so much faith in him so early in the game is dangerous..

Posted by: darren at January 23, 2009 9:00 AM

haha! the beer slurpie is totally mine!!



Posted by: ali at January 23, 2009 9:13 AM

Loops of Zen? Has sucked up the last half hour of my life. Gracias!

Posted by: Becca at January 23, 2009 9:20 AM

It's true, though, hot girls WILL fuck with you.

I like Shelly's suggestion.

Posted by: Fraulein N at January 23, 2009 9:37 AM

Raid the kitchen. I have always wanted to raid the kitchen in the WH.

Second thing I'd do: have a very large drink but holy fucking shit, I'm President.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at January 23, 2009 9:38 AM

Run naked throughout the residence.

Just. Because. I can.

Or maybe, just maybe, walk around naked looking at the paintings of past presidents on the walls while eating twinkies. Again...

Just. Because. I can.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at January 23, 2009 9:38 AM

Loops of Zen = online crack. Thanks, Chris!

Posted by: SpaceCase at January 23, 2009 9:44 AM

Rush Limbaugh is a moron. Let's all ignore him and take away the attention he craves.

The first thing I'd do would be to slide around the White House in my socks, risky business style. And then probably do some of that "christening" the other commenters are mentioning. I'm sure I'd be too excited to sleep.

Posted by: bad penguin at January 23, 2009 9:51 AM

I'd like to think my president shanked his wife. Really. Seriously. We were ALL thinking it, right? After watching that first dance...

Posted by: k8 at January 23, 2009 10:04 AM

uhh...scrub the residence down with bleach?

Posted by: Kalisa at January 23, 2009 10:36 AM

Have sex on my desk in the Oval Office. With my wife (lesson LEARNed).

Posted by: Brad at January 23, 2009 10:56 AM

ok. so the breast warmers. that sounds like an awful idea. remember how electric blankets used to give people cancer? its like if you have a couple badass cells on the fence like "should i go cancer or not?" and then you strap one of those things on while you're sitting in front of your radiation-spewing computer and you're probably on your cell phone, too... those cells are fer sure going to go cancer on you.

Posted by: kati at January 23, 2009 11:00 AM

The Weekly Hypothetical. You're the newly elected president of the United States. It's your first night in the White House. What's the first thing you do?

Raid the kitchen, go screw around in the situation room (flipping switches, etc), maybe check out the bowling alley then hit the sack.

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at January 23, 2009 11:02 AM

I would throw on a button-down shirt and a pair of knee-high white socks, turn the music up to epic levels, and go all risky business / guitar hero commercial in the formal living room.

Posted by: Miss Em at January 23, 2009 11:02 AM

I think I'd have a beer slurpee... or two.

Posted by: Kim at January 23, 2009 11:07 AM

Break in the bed.

And the bathtub.

But I bet he was too tired to stand up straight. AND he had to wake up early the next morning.

Posted by: jessica at January 23, 2009 12:12 PM

Oh, I'll thank you now! I'm giving my boss your email! ;-)

Limbaugh...not worth my time.

Albeit it was late when they got back to the WH...so expect there was some hanky panky going on...I would've!

Happy Weekend!

Posted by: cyndy at January 23, 2009 12:39 PM

Loops of Zen??? Try Loops of Crack.

As for the White House, my first thought was jump on the bed, but that's taken :-( Although it's probably what I'd do anyway. As for breaking in the bed(s), they probably already did that when they visited the Bushes several weeks ago ("excuse me, I just have to go 'powder my nose'".... "uh... me too") OK, maybe that would have been just me (or rather, us), too.

So, assuming you've got "people" to change all the sheets & "air the place out" (IYKWIM). I'd carve my initials in the baseboards somewhere. That's pretty low-brow, but don't worry, I'll never be President!

Maybe more realistically, I'd try to figure out how the remote control works.

Posted by: harmzie at January 23, 2009 1:54 PM

That loops of zen thing is awesome.

Posted by: Zandor at January 23, 2009 2:02 PM

Hot Guy Will Fuck With Me my first night in the white house

Posted by: elissa at January 23, 2009 2:04 PM

Good lord, Rush. Do we really need any more years of failure? Weren't the last eight enough?

I think I would jump on the bed with Sasha and Malia. But maybe they're too old? I'm in a very "Five Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" place right now.

Posted by: Laura Svendlor at January 23, 2009 2:08 PM

I just came back to tell you that sometimes the loops of zen make me feel less than zen BUT I CAN'T STOP PLAYING.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at January 23, 2009 2:13 PM

Michelle really is the obvious answer. (Also the correct answer for "Tomorrow you become the newly elected President of the United States... what do you do tonight?")

I'm still high on your Elbow and Hold Steady recs from your end o' year wrap up, but Band from TV and Bernard Fanning will be noted for future listenings. Thanks!

Posted by: bmh at January 23, 2009 2:21 PM

Whatever kinds of money it would take to make Rush Limbaugh go away, I wish it would just happen.

My first night... undoubtedly break in the bed and then order breakfast in bed.

Posted by: Mandy at January 23, 2009 2:40 PM

I'd want the grand tour and time to appreciate/enjoy the first night in the WH. But, that wasn't on the agenda. Who comes up with their silly schedule? Just crazy, a few minutes at each ball and one exhausting day.

If it were me, I'd want to retire early with a quite dinner, a roaring fire, my hubby and a nice bottle of wine.

Posted by: One Mom's Opinion at January 23, 2009 4:01 PM

1) Isn't that just the way hot girls are? Damn them.

2)I heard an interview with one of the daughters of Lyndon Johnson earlier this week. She said she almost set fire to her room on her first night.

Posted by: Gramps at January 23, 2009 4:14 PM

I'm not even going to click Loops of Zen. So there.

And the Weekly Hypothetical: Oh, c'mon. I would totally. I don't even think we'd wait for night.

Posted by: Elise at January 23, 2009 4:32 PM

I would... um celebrate with my significant other...if you know what I mean.

Posted by: Anica at January 23, 2009 5:20 PM

When I was in my late teens, a friend and I would buy Cherry Slurpees from 7-Eleven and add vodka to them...we called them our Vodka Slurpees, of course. I haven't thought about that in a while! :)

Posted by: Zandria at January 23, 2009 7:02 PM

i agree. sex in the white house. (god knows, it probably hasn't seen any in a while. (eewwwww.)

Posted by: Stella at January 23, 2009 7:11 PM

Run from one end of the house to the other screaming "YYYAAAHHHHHOOOO!"

Then I would join the kids and jump on all the beds, and play a righteous game of hide-and-go-seek.

Mainly because, the new president will be so overwhelming busy for the next several months, it might be the most fun he/she has for quite some time.

Posted by: Jen at January 23, 2009 7:13 PM

I'm not the first to think it and won't be the last, but it was the first thing that came to mind... .
First night in the White House?
Jump on the beds!
On the night before a flight to Cancun, my ex and I had a comp night at a Hilton (?) in Portland, ME. Cushiest bed pillows EVER. This little mama had great fun laying the pillows on the King sized bed then standing on the bed and collapsing backwards into them. Ahhh.

Posted by: Karen at January 23, 2009 7:35 PM

Oh my gosh - I love that game!

Freaking Rush Limbaugh. I blogged about him, too. Mother Fucker.

And wow, my boobs rarely get cold. Maybe in colder climates?

I'd play hide and go seek with my kids and eat dinner in front of the fireplace. I imagine it's AWESOME for hide and go seek!

Posted by: Mindy at January 23, 2009 7:40 PM

Powderfinger and Mr Fanning have been enormous in Australia for years - you'll want to check out Odyssey Number Five, it was HUGE. The track "Like a Dog" was about our nasty former Prime Minister - the one who just had to stay in Blair House so there was no room for the Obama's . He used to like to say he wanted Australia to be 'relaxed and comfortable' - and repressed, racist and riding GWB's coattails.

Posted by: Jo MacD at January 23, 2009 11:27 PM

Bernard Fanning and Powderfinger are HUGE in Oz. I've been living there for 5 years and they're very recognisable. Glad they finally made it your way.:0)

Posted by: Aurelia at January 24, 2009 9:11 AM

I always learn so much when I'm hear. First of all. Limbaugh? DOUCHEBAG (that was perfect) -- somebody's gotta say and I'm glad it was you, Chris.... heh.

Second? Beer slurpees? AWESOME.

Third? The weekly schadenfreude? Also AWESOME. As were all he other weeklies. THANKS.

Posted by: Haley-O at January 24, 2009 10:01 AM

Oh my gosh, that game is totally addicting!

Posted by: Dianna at January 24, 2009 5:53 PM

The hypothetic would be to "christen" a room or two then have the chef make us a late night breakfast. Bacon and pancakes!

As for the gadget... Toasty boobies. That's something everyone needs, yes? ;-)

Posted by: motherofbun at January 24, 2009 6:13 PM

The hypothetic would be to "christen" a room or two then have the chef make us a late night breakfast. Bacon and pancakes!

As for the gadget... Toasty boobies. That's something everyone needs, yes? ;-)

Posted by: motherofbun at January 24, 2009 6:13 PM

You know if you ever change the anti-spam work I'm going to be terribly confused as to why my comments won't work. I never actually look at it, I just assume it says "miabean" each and every time.

lol @ the bust beauty pad- I've always wondered how to make my bust more beautiful and warm while sitting at my desk! Now I know.

Posted by: Debra at January 24, 2009 6:18 PM

Chris, now I know why I come round here and visit each and every day. You are a great dad. Funny. Write great posts...AND now, well now, I see that you listen to and like Australian music! I love, love, love love tea & sympathy and you will really like Powderfinger. They are an institution here...go through some of their older stuff for some really good up loud in the car driving by yourself tunes!

Posted by: Beth at January 26, 2009 4:12 AM

Powderfinger are legends, definitely check out their back catalogue - Odyssey Number 5, The Internationalist, Vulture Street etc - if you get a chance.

Posted by: Jo at January 26, 2009 11:48 AM

Duh, you jump on all the beds and order a 3AM sandwich!

Posted by: jessica fantastica at January 27, 2009 5:51 AM

omg. ta-ta-toasties.

Posted by: Holly at January 27, 2009 10:44 AM

Smoke a cigar?

Wait, no.

Smoke a pipe.

Posted by: Poppy at January 31, 2009 8:59 PM

The mortgage loans are useful for people, which want to organize their company. As a fact, that is not really hard to receive a car loan.

Posted by: Mendez35Saundra at May 23, 2010 9:59 PM