January 13, 2009

Playing Princess

Over the weekend I reached a milestone - my saturation point for playing "princess." And I'm not all that bright so repetitive stuff usually doesn't bother me. I'm sure I reached this point because by Sunday evening Mia had told me I was mean which simultaneously made me feel like the world's worst parent and broke my heart. The problem is I'm not getting off the princess hook anytime soon. Mia loves all things princess and fairy. That should be obvious from the picture below snapped in her room during her nap.

Later in the evening - after the brief nap pictured above was had - around 6:00 was when I reached that saturation point. Actually, I thought I might be coming down with a fairly serious and profound multiple personality disorder. I'd spent the previous 48 hours playing the roles of Cinderella, the Wicked Stepmother, the Fairy Godmother, Prince Charming, Prince Phillip, Maleficent, Ariel, Prince Eric, King Triton, Scuttle, Aladdin, Ursula the Sea Witch, Queen Clarion, Flora, Fauna, Merriwether, Vidia, Idiressa, Rosetta, Fawn, Silvermist and Tinker Bell. All fairly convincingly, I might add. I said things like touch the spindle! and you'll be human for three days but if you haven't kissed the prince by the time the sun sets on the third day you'll turn back into a mermaid and belong to me! Yet Mia loves it so I was able to stave off insanity for a few more hours. Barely.

There's some weird shit you notice when you're playing Prince Eric for the 432nd time and fighting off a mild case of insanity. For instance, Disney really needs to reevaluate the underwear situation of its dolls. I mean, look, for some strange reason Tinker Bell is sporting boy shorts - which is fine but honestly overkill given the outfit. And I don't recall Tink every wearing boy shorts.

Rosetta, on the other hand, is squarely on the opposite end of the spectrum. She's going commando. And that hardly seems appropriate. Not unless she's a porn fairy. Which, last time I checked, she's not. (She's a garden fairy, thankyouverymuch.)

While Disney gets occasional flack for portraying women as princesses concerned with fashion over intelligence, they're just as bad portraying men. Mia's Aladdin doll is seriously cut. He's got a six pack, good biceps, a toned back and I bet he has quite a package under those little painted on tighty-whities. Honestly, I'm concerned for Princess Jasmine. At some point Aladdin is going to roid-rage out and hopefully she's not in the way when it happens. But shouldn't little girls know that they're most likely going to end up with someone who isn't the perfect physical specimen? Someone with a saggy belly and hair in unfortunate places?

Just some of the things you discover when you're Ursula the Sea Witch for the better part of a day. Consider yourself warned. Oh, and yeah, I took upskirt shots of a plastic fairy. It's a proud moment.

Posted by Chris at January 13, 2009 6:05 AM

Case in point via Erin o"Brien:


Having dated rather little this past year or so, I can vouch for this gut/hair thing though in my age group (45-50) you may add on erectile dysfunction as well, which, for all intents and purposes, I believe Eric and his ilk will never experience.

It is a sad, sad thing. Let Mia believe as long as she can. The reality sucks rusty scissors.

Posted by: Julia at January 13, 2009 6:41 AM

I hold that being a street urchin, Aladdin probably had to be pretty cut. But after being a prince for a few years... yeah, reality bites, to go with a '90's theme.

Never liked princesses. I think Mia's better for it to dream big. :)

Posted by: alektra at January 13, 2009 7:03 AM

Proud indeed!
I still remember some of the bizarre-o things form my barbies as a kid. Namely "Day to Night" Barbie, who wore a suit that could turn into an evening gown. It was....horribly slutty. They should have called her Day Walker Barbie. I have a picture of the look on my face when I opened it Christmas morning - Now I definitely have to post it!

Posted by: FattyLumpa at January 13, 2009 7:23 AM

And we're all proud of you for it.

Posted by: Caleal at January 13, 2009 7:34 AM

LOL is that Mom tattoo on Aladdin? Awwwesome.

Posted by: Heather at January 13, 2009 7:40 AM

I almost snorfed my coffee, thanks a lot, dude. :)

Man, I am so glad I don't have a little girl right now. I have a much higher tolerance for playing pirate/superhero/ninja/Power Rangers than I think I would for playing princess. You get a gold star. The things we do for our kids...

Posted by: gabrielle at January 13, 2009 7:49 AM

Sweetie, I just love the picture of Mia under all her stuff! That is priceless!!!

Posted by: Maribeth at January 13, 2009 7:56 AM

If I were Jasmine, I wouldn't be so much worried about the 'roid rage as I would be about the non-removable underwear. That's gotta be one frustrated princess!

Posted by: Hope at January 13, 2009 8:09 AM

I wonder if there really is such a thing as a porn fairy?

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at January 13, 2009 8:11 AM

I guess we should be happy Tink isn't wearing a thong.

Posted by: Maria at January 13, 2009 8:14 AM

TWO Uniquas? Is it because of the pink?

Posted by: laura gf at January 13, 2009 8:39 AM

Ah, yet another reason to be glad I have boys. I can't hack the princess stuff.

Posted by: Christy at January 13, 2009 8:52 AM

Heh! We've also noticed the um...undergarments. I think it's a Tinkerbell doll that has little panties but they look kind of fish-netty. What exactly is going on in Pixie Hollow?

I'm right there with you on the princess saturation. My daughter asks to watch "Ariel and Melody" every day. Last week she sang "Out to the SEA WE GO!" over and over and over and over... Being brilliant like we are we're taking a trip to Disney in a few weeks so we can continue to feed the obsession!

Posted by: melissa at January 13, 2009 9:11 AM

Haaa, you know all their names! I didn't even know there WAS a fairy named Rosetta.

Posted by: Fraulein N at January 13, 2009 9:30 AM

And now I think I have a massive crush on you for this most awesome post!

Posted by: diane at January 13, 2009 9:33 AM

Hahaha. I sent your post to my husband who, no doubt, will one day need to know all these characters.

Rosetta's totally going to steal away all the princes in all the land. She'll lure them by telling them all she's commando.

Posted by: Pocklock at January 13, 2009 9:34 AM

I'm an awful, mean, mean person. I don't let my kids watch Disney movies very often and they only watch PBS shows on television (less than two hours a day), and I only buy them or allow them to have education toys or more realistic toys like blocks, legos, train stuff, kitchen toys, tool toys, and yes, I actually allow them little people. ;)

I know. My sister tells me that I'm no fun and my kids will hate me later. But, at 4.5 and 2.5, they seem perfectly happy!

Posted by: Jen R. (aaron-n-jen.com) at January 13, 2009 9:36 AM

HA! This was one of my favorite posts from you ever! You're a good dad, Chris...you know more Disney characters than I do! And who the hell is Iridessa and Vidia and all the rest of those guys at the end?

Posted by: La Petite Chic at January 13, 2009 9:52 AM

Bravo on looking up plastic faerie skirts! And photographing them. That aside, this post was hilarious.

I'm holding off on buying Disney toys for as long as possible, but my kid is obsessed with princesses too. *SIGHS*

Posted by: jessica at January 13, 2009 9:57 AM

You totally took a skirt up picture of a fairy. You are my hero.

Posted by: k8 at January 13, 2009 9:58 AM

You should show this post to Mia when she's all grown up and doesn't think you're cool anymore. You're definitely a fantastic dad, albeit one who may be going a little bonkers haha.

My son insists on having me describe his long list of Thomas & Friends characters.

Posted by: Brenda at January 13, 2009 10:07 AM

Hahahaha! Monkey only makes me talk to stuffed animals and Duplo dolls. No Disney YET.

Posted by: Nadine at January 13, 2009 10:13 AM

What's up with Aladdin having the muscle-y chest, but such skinny legs?

I think you're awfully sweet to spend so much time playing Princess. Mia is lucky to have you for a dad.

Posted by: bad penguin at January 13, 2009 10:16 AM

Parenting... IT ROCKS.

Also, why no continuing education courses on this shit??? WTF. I could sure use a course on how to deal with things like Princess Overkill and Creative Story Telling for the Whiny Three Year Old, you know?!

Posted by: Christina at January 13, 2009 10:45 AM

Then again, if you really want to be accurate with Aladdin, I think you're gonna need more body hair...

Posted by: oakley at January 13, 2009 10:57 AM

I'm relieved to see that even though she's gone active and modest with the boy shorts, Tink is still sporting the ever-practical slippers with huge pompoms.

Posted by: pseudostoops at January 13, 2009 11:00 AM

Came in search of Delurking Day and fount it and you, a really groovy dad. ("groovy" is coming back!) Read your bio and this Princess post and you had me rollin' Okay now you're on my list and I'LL BE BACK! :)

Posted by: maryt/theteach at January 13, 2009 11:00 AM

found it - I hate misspellings!

Posted by: maryt/theteach at January 13, 2009 11:01 AM

OK, there is no way in hell I could make this up. I have 2 daughters so, when at home, I am 100% completely dripping with princesses. To make matters worse my co-worker *LOVES* Disney soundtracks. I swear by all that is holy that while I was reading your post I was actually listening to "Poor Unfortunate Souls". For fucking real. In real fucking time. OOOOOOOH the IRONY!

Posted by: mymilabean at January 13, 2009 11:08 AM

I read your extended bio, Cactus. I think I got about a quarter of the way through. I'm printing it and having it bound as a book and I'll continue reading as time allows... :)

I promise I won't leave another comment for at least a day or two.

Posted by: maryt/theteach at January 13, 2009 11:16 AM

I think I should clarify that it was completely by chance that she was playing that song. She thinks I am working instead of commenting your blog. Working, HA! Who can work while listening to, now, "Under the Sea". What she doesn't realize is that is exactly where she will be if she doesn't find a new genre of music to blare from her computer speakers. Under the sea, sleeping with the mermaids.

Sorry, just had to share.

Posted by: mymilabean at January 13, 2009 11:18 AM

i thought we were going to skip over the princess stage with isabella...since she was all about dora and diego and yo gabba gabba and spongebob and winnie the pooh...

but i think i have entered disney hell. stupid tinkerbell movie.

shoot me.

Posted by: ali at January 13, 2009 11:34 AM

I'm going to go home and kiss my little boy tonight and play pirates and heroes and Nemo as much as he wants! I will confess that he likes to wear my Tinkerbell nightshirt though. He calls it his "princess shirt" and you can guess how much his daddy likes THAT. I'm going to have to get him some skull and crossbones pjs just to keep his street cred intact.

Posted by: rebecca at January 13, 2009 11:47 AM

First, kudos to you for being such a good playmate. It's hard to keep it up(and even harder with boys I find).

Second, I'm looking forward to next month's search hits on your site with the terms "upskirt" and "fairy" in the same post.

Posted by: Brad at January 13, 2009 11:56 AM

This is a nice place! Thanks for the shout.

Posted by: Erin O'Brien at January 13, 2009 11:56 AM

Haaaaaaaahahahahahaha. My daughter's room is that exact same color! But hers is all surf-themed now, so fear not, Chris Cactus; this too shall pass.

Posted by: Brooke at January 13, 2009 12:30 PM

I am so glad that I am not the only dad unafraid of playing along. Mikah (3) loves The Little Mermaid, and can recite the whole darn thing, it is amazing, she can't remember what she had for breakfast, but she knows every word of that movie. Luckily, though, she is only obsessed with Ariel and not all of the other princesses. Don't get me wrong, she will watch them if they are on, but she doesn't beg to watch them like she does The Little Mermaid.

Posted by: Chris at January 13, 2009 12:58 PM

ok so I had to go check out the tinkerbell figure I got for Christmas after reading this - she's commando!

I always thought Al was kind of girly. lol

And I think we need to you playing Tinkerbell! and the Fairy Godmother!

Posted by: Kris at January 13, 2009 2:07 PM

Daddy's who play "princesses" are top notch!!

Posted by: Kristy at January 13, 2009 3:26 PM

I have a girl, I am a girl, and I haven't heard of half those characters.

My kid just recently found her new obsession: her brothers' old Rescue Heroes. You're so jealous, you know it.

Posted by: Mr Lady at January 13, 2009 3:59 PM

I'm more concerned with why the fairy skirts are so short in the first place. I mean, even if Tink is wearing modest boyshorts, should we really be able to see them?

Posted by: Becky at January 13, 2009 5:33 PM

wanna curb all things disney?
get that lil girl some hair brushes, bows, ribbons, etc and let her do your hair.

and if you really wanna have fun get that wash out color stuff and let her mousse up your hair with color. omg...she'll totally wanna play hair for days if ya do that.

Posted by: kimmyk at January 13, 2009 6:13 PM

Oh sweet Lord, I'm skeered.

Of far too many things to even list, frankly, but especially that boy doll's painted-on underpants.

Posted by: Elise at January 13, 2009 6:45 PM

You are a plastic fairy perv.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at January 13, 2009 8:02 PM

You forgot to put a wedding ring on the "reality" guy because don't you know all the GOOD ones are taken?

Posted by: whall at January 13, 2009 8:07 PM

yeah ur right.. afterall barbie potrayal makes life hard for gurls too to stand up to ze expectation.. phhfftt

Posted by: Apoo at January 15, 2009 9:51 AM

I only wear boyshorts on Sunday, thankyouverymuch. I'm so impressed that you play "princess" with Mia at all. The only thing MY Dad ever played with me was "Shut the hell up and watch cartoons!"

Posted by: Tink at January 15, 2009 4:20 PM

For better or for worse, I think princesses are definitely starting to seep into your brain. Princess overload, for sure!

Posted by: Zandria at January 15, 2009 4:27 PM

Oh my! My daughter's room looks very similar, tons-o-stuffed animals of all stripes on her bed however. Her latest addition is a 4 foot stuffed bear that she sleeps under. I can't imagine these kids being comfortable under all of that stuff.

Posted by: Super Mega Dad at January 16, 2009 12:42 AM

Someone might have already said this but the Aladdin on the left is gay so don't be fooled by his svelte physique. Our daughter has the same Princess fix with an emphasis on Ariel. Two comments about Ariel, she's very sexual (notice how she jets out of water breasts first) and she's a trouble maker. Neither I'm sure I need my daughter studying. Those Princesses are trouble I tell ya.

Posted by: Johnny Smoke at January 16, 2009 2:07 AM

Oh Chris, you are such a plastic perv. Good post! I don't know how you can play Princess for so long, bless you.

Posted by: Mark V at January 16, 2009 12:10 PM

Wow, I'm glad I dodged the princess bullet by having two boys instead of a girl in the mix. Of course, I pay for it by stepping on Hot Wheels on the way to the can in the middle of the night. Did you know some of those little cars have really sharp edges? Neither did I.

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