January 15, 2009

Change: A Warning

Politically speaking, there's been a lot of talk of change for the last year and a half. A lot of talk of bringing change to Washington, changing the balance of power, fundamentally changing the priorities of the government. As much as I believe in Obama, I'm beginning to think that change is code for something else, something more sinister.

My job takes me to Monkeytown three or four days a week. And over the past week - especially since the holidays - Monkeytown has been fundamentally transformed. I guess that's what the prospect of a few million inauguration visitors will do. The town itself is braced for impact. Tents are everywhere. Temporary trailers line makeshift streets. Fences are up. Bleachers have been erected along the parade routes. On the day of the inauguration, each and every bridge into the city (and there are lots thanks to the Potomac River) will be closed to automobile traffic. Water taxis will run you across the river but it'll cost you $90 round trip (seriously, I need to rent a boat and get a piece of that action). And among all these preparations is where I think that sinister change is taking root. Driving around the city, it's abundantly clear that the change Mr. Obama has been talking about these many months is code for porta-potties.

Crazy talk? I think not. Just take a look at how easily you can swap porta potties for change in some of Obama's past speeches.

Its been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, porta-potties have come to America.

Senator McCain likes to talk about judgment, but really, what does it say about your judgment when you think George Bush has been right more than ninety percent of the time? I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to take a ten percent chance on porta-potties.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what porta-potties will they see? What progress will we have made?

Porta-potties come to Washington. Porta-potties happen because the American people demand it - because they rise up and insist on new ideas and new leadership.

We are ready to take this country in a fundamentally new direction. That is what's happening in America right now. Porta-potties are what's happening in America.

I don't mean to alarm anyone but porta-potties have invaded Monkeytown. They are literally everywhere and no one seems at all concerned about it. If these porta-potties were, say, angry midgets with slingshots, Sarah Palin clones (war-cry: you-betcha!), or three-armed space pirates from the planet Blagojevich, I bet everyone would be a little more nervous than they seem to be. Porta-potties: the silent, but deadly, invader. On the plus side, for the first time ever, should I suddenly be struck with the immediate need to urinate while stuck in traffic, I'm covered. The entire way home.

So if, on or shortly after inauguration day, a revolution occurs and the streets run blue with that weird blue toilet water stuff, don't say I didn't warn you.

Posted by Chris at January 15, 2009 6:50 AM

Well, of course the Porta-potties are going to invade Washington. It's where the assholes are. Thank you for putting this entire election into a context I can understand. Write on, Chris.

Posted by: Marshall at January 15, 2009 7:38 AM

I think you need more sleep :P Heck, I KNOW you do, but this post is just proof ;)

Posted by: Heather at January 15, 2009 8:09 AM

Yeah, portapotties are bad enough for adults, but throw in a potty-training toddler and they are a recipe for a (disgusting) disaster. That's what our annual-trek-from-12-miles-up-the-road was like for the National Book Festival in the fall. We'll be bunkered down at home on Tuesday, within a few steps from a (semi-) clean bathroom, complete with potty seat. :)

Posted by: morninglight mama at January 15, 2009 8:10 AM

Angry Midgets are actually living in the porta potties...be careful.

Posted by: William at January 15, 2009 8:34 AM

For all the times I've spent walking around the clogged bowels of D.C. in search of a toilet, I kind of wish I was there now to take advantage of the convenience.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at January 15, 2009 8:48 AM

Well, you know, the only worse than too many porta-potties is.....

not enough.

Posted by: J at January 15, 2009 8:50 AM

I've been meaning to ask you if you've been to Monkeytown since all of the inaugural brouhaha has started. Will you be there next Tuesday? Or will you be avoiding the potential blue-rivered streets?

Posted by: Susan at January 15, 2009 8:51 AM

Obama for Port-a-potties! Mila would be afraid, very afraid of the potties! She refuses to use them. She calls them "dirty outdoor potties".

Posted by: mymilabean at January 15, 2009 8:54 AM

They make a wonderful backdrop to the monuments, don't they? I don't know if you noticed or not, but they are all padlocked. I feel sorry for the poor soul that has to go around this weekend and unlock 6000+ porta-johns!

Posted by: Mel at January 15, 2009 9:00 AM

I love it! I mean really, aren't porta-potties the answer to life's complicated questions?
Where did we come from?
Why are we here?
What's for dinner?

Hmm, ok, maybe I took that analogy a little too far.

Posted by: SassyPants at January 15, 2009 9:10 AM

Let's hope it's JUST that blue toilet water stuff. Otherwise, well...

Posted by: Fraulein N at January 15, 2009 9:27 AM

This is why I continue to read.

Posted by: k8 at January 15, 2009 9:58 AM

The worst part is, I heard some statistic that there will only be 1 porta-potty for every 250 people or something. There are going to be some long lines!

Also, I don't understand the bridge closings. They aren't closing the roads into the city from MD. Why close the bridges from VA?

Posted by: bad penguin at January 15, 2009 10:27 AM

I'm frightened! I am! They will come to life and take over the world!

Posted by: lumpyheadsmom at January 15, 2009 12:04 PM

Caution! It's the new American Dalek!


Posted by: heels at January 15, 2009 12:15 PM

we both did political posts today! there must be something in the blue water.

Posted by: Aimee Greeblemonkey at January 15, 2009 12:41 PM

*gasp* it's true, we've been had!!!! Is that the winds of change I smell? Well, sorta...

Posted by: Jess at January 15, 2009 2:47 PM

1. You ARE going to take pics of the porta-potties, right?

2. Will the porta-potties increase your already freakish attraction to strange bathroom encounters?

3. This post is some seriously funny shit. (No pun intended.)

4. This post actually makes me appreciate the madness of working in Times Square in comparison to Monkeytown during inaguration, and that says a lot.

Posted by: jessica at January 15, 2009 3:49 PM

One of my co-workers (huge Obama fan) is traveling by bus to attend the inauguration. They are stopping in VA and taking the train in. I have a feeling she has no idea what kind of crowd issues she's getting ready to encounter. But, there's no way she would "not" go. I told her I'd have a much better view from my vantage point. Of course, I'll be at work, so it won't matter anyway. But I'll be able to see it on the news!

Posted by: coolchick at January 15, 2009 8:46 PM

I think Nostradamus predicted something about that, didn't he? He didn't know what a porta potty was at the time....he just kept pointing frantically at some drawing of one that Da Vinci had done. I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong.

Posted by: matt at January 15, 2009 8:47 PM

I think Nostradamus predicted something about that, didn't he? He didn't know what a porta potty was at the time....he just kept pointing frantically at some drawing of one that Da Vinci had done. I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong.

Posted by: matt at January 15, 2009 8:47 PM

OMG, you scared the sh-- out of me. I totally thought I was going to read a post that was going to keep me up all night. Because, what the cactus says, is TRUTH. Oy, wait. So, this might keep me up all night. Because what if the Porta-pottie invasion takes CANADA??

Posted by: Haley-O at January 15, 2009 10:19 PM

This post stinks.

Oh, also you can replace the word "change" with "pants" just like you can with Star Wars quotes.

I find your lack of pants disturbing.
I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
These aren’t the pants you’re looking for.
Judge me by my pants, do you?
TK421, why aren’t you at your pants?


Posted by: whall at January 17, 2009 2:15 AM

Apparently portapotties are under attack in San Francisco.
So far 18 have been set on fire this year.
A little Bay Area trivia for you.
I don't know anything more, just heard it on the radio.

$90 water taxi's?
I suppose those who can afford to attend, can afford to arrive.

Posted by: Zip n Tizzy at January 17, 2009 2:41 AM

Quelqu'un peut-il me dire comment obtenir les avatars peu à montrer dans ma section des commentaires? merci!

Posted by: Lancel at November 18, 2011 4:51 AM