February 12, 2009

Inappropriate Things My Daughter Said

My daughter says some wacky shit. I mean, she always has. But lately it seems like there's a higher concentration of wacky. I'm going to attribute it to the fact that she's given up napping during the day and she's downright delusional by the time I get home in the evenings. I like the fact that she's wacky. Fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, and all that. Here are three examples which occurred within 48 hours of each other.

Scene One. I was putting a very tired Mia to bed. She was lying down, under the covers, preparing to read one of the 2,402 books on her bed with her flashlight. Yes, her flashlight. Her room, in the evenings, is wondrous. In one corner are hanging lanterns, surrounded by hand-painted butterflies while a moon and stars hang in another corner. The entire room is adorned in butterflies. And, lately, the ceiling is awash in stars generated by this little mini-planetarium she loves while princess songs waft through the air. While lying there with her, both of us tired and close to snoozeville, she unexpectedly became very animated and very excited. Daddy daddy daddy! she shouted. What what what? I asked. Daddy, I just put nose boogers in my ear! She was so proud. And so classy.

Scene Two. I was getting changed after work, trading in a suit and tie for jeans and a t-shirt. I was in my boxers and socks (sexy) when Mia walked right up to me and - before my manly instincts to protect one's nether regions from uncertainty could kick in - opened up the front flap of my boxers.

Mia: Do you want your penis out?
Me: Um, no. I think my penis is fine where it is.
Mia: Okay, but if you want it out, I'll be here to help.
Me: You know sweetheart, I think I have that covered. But thanks.

At some point we're going to have to have the Private Parts Talk or the Personal Space Talk or the Let Your Daddy Wield His Own Penis Because He's A Professional And Would Rather Not Talk To Child Services Today Talk. But I really hate to spoil the innocence.

Scene Three. The kitchen. Beth is making dinner and I'm playing with the kids. Mia, who often makes up randomly named games the rules to which no one knows - like Hoodle-Heee-Hooo-Pickle which involved screaming the alphabet and kicking a ball - was tossing an oven mitt in the air.

Mia: Hey, let's play a game of Catch-The-Cock!
Me: Mommy and I played that last night.

Posted by Chris at February 12, 2009 6:20 AM

Awesome! I love hilariously wacky kids.

Posted by: Tera at February 12, 2009 7:34 AM

Oh those are too funny!
I've been having similar talks with my boy doggy Arnie. You see his sister is in heat and all he does is stare at her and pant. I keep trying to explain that he must leave her be after all.....
I leave on Saturday to go to Berlin. Will be posting daily on my trip and the progress to get Anneliese knocked up! Lol!

Posted by: Maribeth at February 12, 2009 8:10 AM

"Mia: Hey, let's play a game of Catch-The-Cock!
Me: Mommy and I played that last night."

Oh. My. God. You DID NOT say that?


Sorry. That was just too funny.

Posted by: Jen at February 12, 2009 8:27 AM

Oopps... :) I laughed. Hard. :) At your reactions as much as her comments.

Posted by: Hannah at February 12, 2009 8:29 AM

You never fail to make me laugh before 8:30 AM. Thank you :)

Posted by: Claire at February 12, 2009 8:38 AM

"Mommy and I played that last night" *snort*

Posted by: Heather at February 12, 2009 8:40 AM

Hey, let's play a game of Catch-The-Cock!

Great pick-up line.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at February 12, 2009 8:45 AM

I am laughing so hard my podmates are looking at me like I have lost it. Thanks for making me laugh so much in the morning.

Posted by: Elizabeth at February 12, 2009 9:01 AM

I used to read in bed with a flashlight as well. :)

Thanks for the morning laugh!

Posted by: hope at February 12, 2009 9:20 AM

Classic! Thanks for my morning belly laugh. :)

Kids are so randomly inappropriate (and funny) sometimes. My son unexpectedly reached out and squeezed one of my boobs the other day. In the line at the grocery store. I was kinda surprised (as was the patron in line ahead of us) since he's almost 6 and knows about 'private' body parts and such, and asked him why in the world he had done that. "I just wanted to see if it made a noise!"

I'm still puzzling over that one.

Posted by: gabrielle at February 12, 2009 9:28 AM

One morning, when I was getting dressed for work, Daya came over and pointed to my chest. She said, "Nice!"

I can't argue with that.


Posted by: jessica at February 12, 2009 9:48 AM

Hee, inappropriate children. I think you should probably have that talk with her before she decides to do something in public. That might be kind of tough to explain.

Posted by: Fraulein N at February 12, 2009 9:54 AM

OHMYGAWD...coffee came out my nose on this post!!! I would HATE to by your lawyer talking to local PD and Child Services on this one!

Have the talk before she says she helps her dad at her school! LOL

I have a laughing headache now! Snort

Posted by: Gypsy at February 12, 2009 10:03 AM

Better hope she doesn't suggest that last game while at preschool, or you'll be talking to Social Services anyway!

heh heh

Posted by: ewe_are_here at February 12, 2009 10:06 AM

oh snap!
After all, playing that game is what got you Mia and Owen!

love it

Posted by: crookedeyebrow at February 12, 2009 10:07 AM

When I stop laughing, I'll make a real comment.

Posted by: Sparkle Pants at February 12, 2009 10:11 AM

You will be SO HAPPY one day that you kept a record of these things!!

Posted by: Kalisa at February 12, 2009 10:28 AM

The last one made me loose it. Thanks, Chris. I need the laugh today.

Posted by: Maria at February 12, 2009 10:56 AM

Did Mommy ask if you wanted your penis out too?
Sorry, that was bad. I know. I couldn't help myself.

Posted by: SassyPants at February 12, 2009 11:22 AM

I am seriously dying over here!! So nice of her to offer to help you w/ your man parts!

And someday when some silly boy tries to use the line "let's play a game of catch-the-cock" on her, I hope she slugs him good!

Posted by: Kris at February 12, 2009 11:24 AM

Oh my! This is hilarious!

Posted by: Magnolia Mom at February 12, 2009 11:44 AM

Dontca just love kids!

Don't feel bad, I have 2 boys, age 2 & 3, and I've already had flashes of inappropriateness from both of them already! I foresee myself in the principal's office when they spring that stuff on their female classmates! Lord help me!

Posted by: Katie at February 12, 2009 12:46 PM

Um, this is Children's Protective Services. We would like to speak to you.

Posted by: Heather at February 12, 2009 1:18 PM

I hear you. My kid is obsessed with buttcracks right now. And everything is about seeing someones buttcrack.

Posted by: elissa at February 12, 2009 1:18 PM

....aaaaand now I have to explain to my coworkers why I peed in my chair. Thanks Mia!

Posted by: Procrastamom at February 12, 2009 1:49 PM

At least she knows what it's called. Somehow, that vital information was not given to me for a long, long time.

Posted by: k8 at February 12, 2009 1:51 PM

Mia is a hoot! And yeah, I think it's safe to say that the apple did not fall very far from the tree at all!

Posted by: La Petite CHic at February 12, 2009 4:04 PM

Send her over to us. She can sing turnip songs with my boys. She'll fit right in.

Posted by: Loth at February 12, 2009 5:15 PM

Mr fiance has been mooning his second cousin since she was an infant (I've never understand his fascination with mooning people, but have just kind of gotten used to it). She is now 14 months old and smacks his butt and laughs when he moons her (umm, nobody call DYFS, m'kay?)
I'm waiting for the day her four-year-old self pulls down the pants of some unsuspecting stranger in the middle of a store, and smacks him on the butt.

Posted by: Karen at February 12, 2009 7:30 PM

Comedy gold!!

Posted by: Jessica at February 12, 2009 8:22 PM

Ha. Those are great.

Posted by: Zandor at February 12, 2009 9:09 PM

Oh my god, those cracked me up. I can't wait til Dahlia can talk!!

Posted by: carrster at February 12, 2009 9:09 PM

I quite possibly might have busted something inside of me from laughing so hard reading this post. Particularly the penis story. That might be the greatest story ever told.

Posted by: Jessa at February 12, 2009 9:29 PM

seriously, she says the funniest things. i had to share these with my husband, and even HE laughed. :)

Posted by: tiffanie at February 12, 2009 9:52 PM

ROFL! Oh wow! I dunno if I would even be able to type that second one... I mean, are you sure your penis doesn't want to be out? *shakes head laughing*

Posted by: Debra at February 12, 2009 10:16 PM

Oh. My. Gawd. Those are too damn funny. I laughed especially hard at Scenes Two and Three. Ahhh, ignorance IS bliss, isn't it??? Thanks for sharing!

Posted by: ironic1 at February 12, 2009 10:47 PM

At least she didn't put the nose booger in YOUR ear!

Posted by: Mom On The Run at February 12, 2009 11:19 PM

WAY cute.

Posted by: texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana at February 13, 2009 10:15 PM

New fan here; I'm so glad I stumbled you! Hilarious!

Posted by: LizB at February 14, 2009 11:50 AM

New fan here. I'm so glad I stumbled you. Hilarious!

Posted by: LizB at February 14, 2009 11:51 AM

I've tried several times to tell you how hilarious this is, but uh, your comment box isn't cooperating. If you get 3 or 4 comments from me, I'm not a stalker.

Posted by: LizB at February 14, 2009 11:54 AM

OMG I just laughed so hard I peed myself a little AND shot beer out of my nose at the SAME TIME!

And to continue the fun things kids say: recently my 5 year old was talking about his schemes for world domination via control of Walmart. Awesome.

Posted by: soosha_q at February 14, 2009 8:15 PM

mia cracks me up!

and uh "mommy and i played that last night" good one. smooth that's what you are.

Posted by: kimmyk at February 15, 2009 8:21 AM

My child is also extremely goofy and wacky. One day she grabbed her crotch and says "Mommy is I am hard?" IDK where the hell she gets some of this stuff but it's absolutely hilarious and creepy at the same time. Another time, she was taking a bath, I was sitting on the floor reading a magazine while she played one of her weird games of "The horse can talk underwater" and she says "Mommy!" I say "What honey?" She grabs her nipples (which were at attention from her standing up out of the water) and she says "Are my nipples are awake?" Needless to say I was hysterical. lmao

Posted by: Krista at February 15, 2009 3:06 PM

ROFLMAO!! Things kids say, eh?

Posted by: Tammy at February 16, 2009 10:18 PM

I love wacky kids. I am a wacky kid. I stole tons of money from my Aunt. I'm in my forties but I just love lying and stealing.

I don't ask about penises being in or out of shorts. I ask about embezzlement and how much fun it is. I love that I put my aunt in debt to $500K. and ruined her credit rating and stole from her kids, too.

Posted by: Kandygirl at February 18, 2009 6:08 PM

Your daughter is quite brilliant! This gave me a great laugh. I just love the crap that comes out of my son's mouth as well.

Posted by: Kaytee at February 22, 2009 2:21 PM

Comment to "Kandygirl": are you posting from prison? If not, you should be. What you posted is terrible and illegal and you should be ashamed of yourself. What are you, a nut or something? Shame on you!

Posted by: Maggie M at February 23, 2009 6:50 PM


That's adorable :D

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That's adorable :D

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