February 18, 2009

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Kingdom

I've mentioned this before - Mia loves all things Disney, particularly princesses and fairies. This makes me feel like a slight failure as a parent because it means I have yielded to the pressure of commercialism. The Evil Empire won. But I'm not too concerned because Mia is incredibly creative in her play and she clearly benefits from this obsession.

The other day while we were visiting Pixie Hollow online (if you don't know, don't ask because you don't want to know), we ran across a clip of the second Cinderella sequel, Cinderella III: A Twist In Time. We watched all eight minutes of it and now, whenever she mentions it, she refers to the movie's title in its entirety. Daddy, can we watch Cinderella III: A Twist In Time? or let's play Cinderella III: A Twist In Time. The other day, she even told me that something was coming soon on Disney DVD and Blueray, the exact wording used in the trailers. That scared the shit out of me. It was a clear indication that we've collectively consumed the Disney Kool-aid.

So the last time Mia asked me to play Cinderella III: A Twist In Time I started throwing out alternate sequels which just confused here. They made me giggle, though. Of course, that's not hard. Here are my suggestions for the Disney folks about the future of the Cinderella franchise.

Cinderella IV: Prince Charming Goes Abroad. While Prince Charming travels to remote regions of the empire, Cinderella becomes enamored with stable-boy Phillipe. Sparks and hay fly in this wild animated romp through royal desires. Add this Disney DVD to your collection today.

Cinderella V: Cinderella In Outer Space. Cinderella has pursued Prince Charming across continents and through time but now the adventure travels through another dimension - outer space. See the excitement as Cinderella trades her tiara for a spacesuit and, with help from the Fairy Godmother, finds love in zero Gs.

Cinderella VI: The Return Of The Princess. Never has Cinderella faced such a challenge. Her animal friends are marooned on the forest moon of Endor while, orbiting above, Darth Stepmother is plotting to destroy the moon and all its inhabitants, finally reclaiming the glass slipper for her own. This underdog story will be inspirational for the whole family.

Cinderella VII: Rule Hard. Cinderella is trapped in her castle, which has been overrun with German bandits seeking her riches. Armed with only a magic wand and a walkie-talkie, Cinderella must act stealthily to avoid capture and overcome them before they make off with the royal treasure.

Cinderella VIII: Cinderella Versus Predator. In a smackdown of royal proportions, Cinderella must stave off the apocalyptic hordes threatening her kingdom and the world. Even with the help of her mouse friends and the magical Fairy Godmother, can evil truly be defeated? This charming addition to the Cinderella saga is full of magic, suspense and evisceration.

Cinderella IX: Cinderella Visits Vegas. After a little bump in her happily ever after road, Cinderella finds herself getting the high-roller treatment in Vegas on a drug-fueled binge through seedy casinos and seedier hotel rooms. This inspiring cautionary tale shows that even royalty isn't perfect. The whole family will enjoy. [Warning: Deleted scenes contained on the bonus disc are for mature audiences only.]

Cinderella X: Cinderella Does Belgium. This heartwarming Disney adventure shows what happens when a Princess no longer wants to be a lady. If you know what we mean. Watch Cinderella take on all courtesans and their royal scepters. [Available by mailorder and at participating adult retailers only.]

Cinderella XI: Cinderella, The Revenge. Strung out and left for dead, Cinderella - half human, half cyborg - returns to get revenge. Can Prince Charming appeal to whatever sense of right and wrong she has left? Or will he find himself another corpse in Cinderella's wake. The whole family will love the return of a Disney classic, the first animated feature directed by Quenten Tarantino.

Posted by Chris at February 18, 2009 6:28 AM

OK, first: what meds does your dentist use, because I needs to gets me some of dem.

Second, I had to stop for a moment after I read your first synopsis. See, over in this neck of the blogosphere, we're favouring Beauty and the Beast, and in THAT film, "Phillipe" is a horse.

Uhm, yeah, not what you intended (or was it?)

Posted by: SciFi Dad at February 18, 2009 7:48 AM

How about something more timely? Cinderella 2009: Cinderella Gets A Honkin' Big Royal Stimulus Package From The Prince.

Posted by: Marshall at February 18, 2009 8:01 AM

So awesome. I might actually want to watch Cinderella 11.

Posted by: Fraulein N at February 18, 2009 10:00 AM

Cinderella vs. Predator sounds like a real classic.

And you knew it was only a matter of time until one of the princesses would be ready for rehab.

Posted by: bad penguin at February 18, 2009 10:05 AM

I was obsessed with princesses for a bit when I was younger and I totally rock out now, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. :)

Posted by: Hope at February 18, 2009 10:24 AM

This is perhaps one of the funniest things I have ever read.

Posted by: Arwen at February 18, 2009 10:27 AM

'Sleeping Beauty' is playing RIGHT NOW (like, AS I READ THIS) for the four hundredth and eleventieth time since we bought it for 'family movie night' on Saturday.

Resistance is futile.

Posted by: s@bd at February 18, 2009 10:39 AM

You are a sick and demented man and should be locked up in an asylum. By the way, there's a nice padded room right next to mine that's open.

Posted by: Jeff A at February 18, 2009 11:01 AM

did you actually make all the little pictures?! because no matter how funny this was, i just can't condone that use of your time :)

Posted by: kati at February 18, 2009 11:10 AM

I bet if you look, there's already tons of Disney porn out there...

Posted by: k8 at February 18, 2009 11:22 AM

I can't help but think about how differently my life would have turned out if you were my dad.

That came dangerously close to being a very naughty comment. Wow.

Posted by: Mr Lady at February 18, 2009 12:20 PM

Hey, I'm over here CRYING with laughter.

Posted by: Wack-a-do at February 18, 2009 12:40 PM

You are a nutter. Thanks for the laughs!

Posted by: That Girl at February 18, 2009 1:22 PM

haha. i thought the same thing SciFiDad did. Phillipe is a horse in beauty and the beast. that made me laugh.

Posted by: ali at February 18, 2009 2:17 PM

Haha! Chris, you are so wonderfully warped ;)

Posted by: Heather at February 18, 2009 4:25 PM

Our kids are going to need the same type of therapists. ;)

You're brilliant though... Fucked up. But brilliant.

Posted by: Nat at February 18, 2009 4:27 PM

you have way too much time on your hands

Posted by: becky at February 18, 2009 4:56 PM

Cinderella X. I would wait in a line that stretched around the block to see that one. Probably even longer if it was Jasmine from Aladdin.

Posted by: Matt at February 18, 2009 4:59 PM

lol dude that is awesomeness. Though should my baby be a girl, I'll be sure and keep her away from your Disney collection. ;)

Posted by: Teenuh at February 18, 2009 9:19 PM

I can't believe:
a) That I rembered where to find this.
b) That I looked for it while my kids were behind me and could easily glance over & say "Hey! Is that Snow White?"
c) I survived 4-6 years of this.
d) I may or may not have lol-ed at this before lol was a thing you did on paper instead of "out loud"

Anyway, I'm going to hell. You're going to be sued. It's a pdf & its on the last page, because k8 was asking for it:

I'm also reminded, for some reason (bottom left corner) of one of my favourite Disney jokes:
- why did Mickey dump Minnie?
- because she was fucking Goofy.

ahhhh... good times.

Posted by: harmzie at February 18, 2009 10:27 PM

I love the sugar-free Disneyade. It cost more, but it doesn't stain the carpet.

Posted by: Whit at February 19, 2009 2:10 AM

I'll take the lot.

Posted by: alison at February 19, 2009 10:18 AM

Don't you have some daddying to go do instead of playing with Photoshop all day?


Posted by: oakley at February 19, 2009 11:18 AM

Wait until you see what I brought her back from disney world. It's princess jewlery.

Posted by: jodifur at February 21, 2009 1:06 PM

You didn't even mention "Night Songs".

Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah at March 1, 2009 9:18 AM